When your children squabble, argue and shout at each other they are following a pattern that is echoed throughout the animal kingdom and human families the world over as the pack fight for the parent’s attention and to dominate the rest of the pack. As the parent steps in we see a triangle develop, one which has been termed The Drama Triangle. When we understand the dynamics of this triangle we learn how to address sibling rivalry and I’ve taught this in numerous workshops and in individual client sessions. It works, so have a go yourself next time your kids start fighting.
Here’s how it works. Think of Fairy Stories; Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Rapunzel and so on. In each of them there is a victim (Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Rapunzel) there is a persecutor (the wolf, the ugly sisters, the witch) and there is a rescuer (the woodcutter, Fairy Godmother, handsome Prince). Let's place them like this.
Here’s how it works. Think of Fairy Stories; Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Rapunzel and so on. In each of them there is a victim (Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Rapunzel) there is a persecutor (the wolf, the ugly sisters, the witch) and there is a rescuer (the woodcutter, Fairy Godmother, handsome Prince). Let's place them like this.
The victim is the 'poor me', 'it wasn't my fault', 'she started it', 'ow it hurts' and so on. Do you start to recognise this? Body physiology is hunched up, shoulders rounded, belly in, head drooped.
The persecutor exists because there is a victim. You will hear ' she started it', 'it's her fault', 'you should tell him off', 'I hate you'. There will be shouting, finger pointing, accusations, belly out, head up, shoulders back.
Then we have the rescuer who wades into the battle wanting peace and calm, but also wanting to take responsibility for something that wasn't their issue because it's 'their job' to be the rescuer. They want to feel valued and useful, important, relied upon. Voice tone will start placating and physiology will be nurturing.
But what happens next? Battle continues. Rescuer gets annoyed and moves into Persecutor role blaming, shouting and finger pointing. Or they move into victim role 'poor me, I'm only trying to help'. As Rescuer moves, so does former Victim and Persecutor. But essentially the Drama Triangle continues but just with different people in each role.
The persecutor exists because there is a victim. You will hear ' she started it', 'it's her fault', 'you should tell him off', 'I hate you'. There will be shouting, finger pointing, accusations, belly out, head up, shoulders back.
Then we have the rescuer who wades into the battle wanting peace and calm, but also wanting to take responsibility for something that wasn't their issue because it's 'their job' to be the rescuer. They want to feel valued and useful, important, relied upon. Voice tone will start placating and physiology will be nurturing.
But what happens next? Battle continues. Rescuer gets annoyed and moves into Persecutor role blaming, shouting and finger pointing. Or they move into victim role 'poor me, I'm only trying to help'. As Rescuer moves, so does former Victim and Persecutor. But essentially the Drama Triangle continues but just with different people in each role.
The pattern repeats itself again and again so how do we change this and break free of it?
You stop rescuing. It's as simple as that.
When you stop rescuing and let your children take responsibility themselves, you allow them to learn how to do it in school and in life. If you always step in to 'protect them' they believe they can't do it alone, they need you to fight their battles. How confident will they be? Not very.
So they will be at the mercy of all those persecutors out there in the playground because they can't stand up for themselves.
So start to notice who plays victim, who is persecutor, who is the rescuer. How does it switch? What happens then? Is there a pattern? Experiment with stepping out of the Drama Triangle and see how they take responsibility for themselves. Teach them some simple techniques.
1. Victim - make it clear when their sibling has gone too far by giving eye contact, stand tall, belly out (that's where your energy is) and say 'stop' . They can add a hand up to indicate where their personal space is to show it's being invaded.
2. Victim - they can suggest a solution, compromise or win win.
3. Persecutor - remind themselves that they have more than one choice, other options are available such as walking away, playing with something else etc
4. Rescuer - ask yourself why are you rescuing? Is this your responsibility or theirs? What are you adding by rescuing? What are you taking away? How will they learn in future?
You stop rescuing. It's as simple as that.
When you stop rescuing and let your children take responsibility themselves, you allow them to learn how to do it in school and in life. If you always step in to 'protect them' they believe they can't do it alone, they need you to fight their battles. How confident will they be? Not very.
So they will be at the mercy of all those persecutors out there in the playground because they can't stand up for themselves.
So start to notice who plays victim, who is persecutor, who is the rescuer. How does it switch? What happens then? Is there a pattern? Experiment with stepping out of the Drama Triangle and see how they take responsibility for themselves. Teach them some simple techniques.
1. Victim - make it clear when their sibling has gone too far by giving eye contact, stand tall, belly out (that's where your energy is) and say 'stop' . They can add a hand up to indicate where their personal space is to show it's being invaded.
2. Victim - they can suggest a solution, compromise or win win.
3. Persecutor - remind themselves that they have more than one choice, other options are available such as walking away, playing with something else etc
4. Rescuer - ask yourself why are you rescuing? Is this your responsibility or theirs? What are you adding by rescuing? What are you taking away? How will they learn in future?
Stephen Karpman wrote the Drama Triangle in 1968 and it is largely based on the work of Eric Berne in Transactional Analysis. There is a chapter on it in my book Self Esteem Workbook and Secrets of the NLP Masters and of course there is a chapter on Sibling Rivalry in 'Be a happier parent with NLP'. If you think your child needs help with confidence issues read 'Confidence for Kids' or the Engaging NLP series of Workbooks. You'll find them all on my website www.nlpkids.com
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