Stories get to the parts that other words don’t reach. They speak to you at an unconscious level. They enable you to convey information indirectly, to pace some’s current reality and then lead them on to a new one. To move away from problems to different outcomes. To open up new possibilities” Romilla Ready and Kate Burton.

Are you using stories to help children discover new possibilities? Children love the story cubes. Here are some ideas.

Fear of failure - tell a story where someone makes a mistake and learns something from it
Sibling Rivalry - tell a story where your brother/sister is the hero of the story
Anger - tell a story where someone nearly got angry but managed to stop themselves
Anxiety - tell a story about someone who managed to be brave
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I'm sure you get the idea. Make sure the child is projecting onto someone else. This isn't a story about them......or is it? That's how it works, by the child projecting from their own unconscious.

Exams are stressful, for adults and for children. The pressure to succeed, to get good results can put even the hardiest of grownups in a spin. Below are my NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) tips and techniques to help your child through the exam period avoiding the pitfalls of stress, doubt and anxiety.
 
Anchor a good learning state
Children (and grown-ups) can tend to get themselves in a state and having the ability to change that state is a very useful tool! Teach them how to Anchor a good state.
Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a moment they were really pleased with life or proud of themselves and ask them to squeeze their earlobe and capture the moment. Tell them that every time they are feeling on top of the world, then when they are feeling stressed or sad they can repeat that physical action and it will remind them what it’s like to feel good about themselves again. Details here.
 
Feel Confident
One reason why children don’t always feel confident is that they compare themselves with other children, usually ones who are better at something then them. Encourage them to compare themselves with how they were last month, or last term, so they can see how much they have improved in something. 

Remind yourself of your skills
Children very easily notice someone who can do something they can’t do, getting top marks or doing a handstand. They don’t so easily notice what they themselves do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.
Ask your child what person they want to be like, and then ask in what ways are they already like them? “If you can spot it, you’ve got it” is an NLP saying. It means we can easily recognize qualities in others that we have in ourselves. Point this out to your child where and when you have observed this quality in them.

Talk ‘Positive’
Switch their negative talk to positive. Children are inclined to use generalisations and distortions such as ‘everyone is better than me’. Ask them ‘Who exactly?’ and ‘How are they better?’ to encourage them to see the situation more realistically. Another way to switch to more positive orientation is to notice whether they talk about what they want or what they don’t want. Working ‘towards’ rather than ‘away from’ things tends to result in a more confident result.
 
 How does your child learn? Revamping revision strategy
Working out how best your child learns can really help them build confidence and get results.

Visual learners tend to speak fast, remember what they saw not heard, notice their surroundings, are good at thinking ahead, good readers, tend to doodle, like reading themselves (rather than being read to) answer questions briefly, would rather be shown than told, sometimes stumble over finding the right words, are not really bothered by noise.
Revision Tips: Visual children should use sticky notes, mind maps, lists, read and make notes. This will help them visualise the exam.

Auditory learners can be easily distracted by noise, like to read out loud, speak well, find writing difficult, learn by talking, love discussion, talk to themselves, more musical than arty, tend to speak in rhythmic patterns, are good mimics, can spell better out loud than by writing it down.
Revision tips: Auditory children should get a revision buddy to rest them verbally. This will help recall what they said as the answered the questions.

Kinaesthetic learners respond well to physical rewards, stand close when speaking to someone, learn by doing, want to act things out, move hands when speaking, speak slowly, like games, have messy handwriting, use action words, are physical and fidgety.
Revision tips: Kinaesthetic children should use computer programs for bite size revision. Interacting and testing themselves – the act of physically doing something- will help reinforce the facts they need.

Chunk down, to avoid overwhelm
Children, just like adults, have a preference for information presented either in details (small chunks) or in general (big chunks). If you present it in the ‘wrong’ way it can be difficult for them to process. Be aware of your own preference (too much detail! Not enough details) and see how your child responds. Perhaps they chunk differently to you. Then apply this to revision, help them split up the learning they need to do into a format that works for them.
 
 
Overcoming limiting beliefs
If your child is adamant they can’t do the exam, that they will fail then we can challenge that limiting belief and overcome it. Argue with the negative voice and question it. Sit down with your child and ask them ‘What if you could?’ Follow this with other phrases that focus on achieving their goal ‘What would it look like?’ What would it sound like?’ What would it feel like?’ By asking these questions of our children we associate with their goals. This means we get them to acknowledge that not only that they can happen, but that they will, because they can only happen if we visualise them. If we can imagine it happening then it will happen.

Mindfulness to ease anxiety
 
Children and teenagers need to learn how to mindfully choose what to focus on rather than allowing themselves to get distracted by worries and fears, anger and stress.
Mindfulness can enable you to stand back and review your patterns, the way you respond to situations that may not be terribly helpful. In a sense you are giving yourself therapy but it isn't about talk, it's silent meditation where your breathing is your focus and anchors the calm state where you can notice the thoughts, name them, accept that your mind will wander, and gently and kindly without judgement, bring yourself back to the present.
If you're interested in having a go and experiencing mindfulness - download the free Headspace app. 
 
If you’d like to know more about what I do or my new Exam Stress Buster courses, which consist of 4 x skype sessions please get in touch. judy@nlpkids.com  07917 451245

The metaphor of an anchor is very appropriate because when we feel adrift, lost, confused and overwhelmed by parenting it is helpful to put down an anchor to stabilize ourselves and find a calm place in my mind and body. We can rely on the anchor because it is heavy and solid and it won’t let us down.
From there we can access our resources to move on in what we’re doing. We use anchoring to achieve a sense of control and resourcefulness in any situation. As parents we might use it when:

• The baby’s crying and you’ve done everything (changed nappy, fed her, cuddled her etc). You want to cry too.
• School holidays and the kids are screaming at each other they are bored and you’re clean out of ideas.
• Your toddler’s has just refused to eat his food again and you’ve cooked it just the way he likes it.
• Your boss wants you to do a presentation but it’s on your son’s sports day and you feel torn

The sense of calm you get from anchoring can help you find that inner resource and bring it out when and where you need it. You can anchor anywhere at any time and it takes seconds.

And you can teach this technique to your child or young person. 
 
 What is it?
Your anchor could be an image or a picture (if they are visual), a sound or piece of music (if they are auditory) or an action (if they are kinaesthetic). If they're not sure, there is a quiz in NLP for Children 

Help them choose an anchor that they can easily access anywhere because you need it to be something that doesn’t draw attention to themselves at school or with their friends. If they are in the playground or park, a friend’s house or a birthday party they won’t want to be doing anything strange that their friends will notice.

Good anchors are natural actions such as picturing you or their pet if they are visual, quietly humming some music if they are auditory or maybe a 'thumbs up sign'  if they are kinaesthetic.
  
Step 1 – Establishing the anchor
Ask them to close their eyes and think about a time or situation when they feel calm and relaxed, strong and in control.  Suggest they imagine themselves there now. Maybe they'd like to go there, draw it or talk about it. 
Ask them - What can you see? Describe the scene as if they are there now, maybe they are actually there.  Suggest they increase the brightness and focus on everything in their picture.
What can they hear? Is there music, are people talking?
What are they doing? What is happening? Is it hot or cold, how do they feel?
When they are really feel associated into the situation and as calm and confident as you think they could possibly be, fire the anchor. Do the thing you have decided to do as your anchor.

Step 2 – Break state
When they seem to have lost the calm state - you can tell because they might open their eyes or start fidgeting, ask them to pretend to sneeze on an imaginary ice cream. This is a great way to 'break state' .

Step 3 – Fire it again
Repeat step 1 and ask them again to make the images, sounds and feelings very strong before they fire the anchor.

Step 4 – Break state
Change their state for a minute

Step 5 – Fire it again
Repeat the process. It will probably be quite quick by now.

Now they have their anchor, suggest they use it whenever they need that resource. You can help them establish different anchors for other resources.

Even very small children can quickly anchor a feeling of being brave. You will need to help them recall when they were brave and describe it to them as they establish the anchor. Use the same words each time as this helps them remember it for themselves. 

​If you want any help with this process please email me and I'll go through it with you one on one. 

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it. 

In a family situation it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

In the family you would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.

Parents need to know how to give choice when there is none because offering choices is not always an option when you want your children to get dressed to go to school by a certain time, eat healthy meals or do their homework. If you have older children you may not want to give them choices about what time to come home or where they go and with whom.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

There is always a choice, not just in terms of the ‘how’ but also a choice in how you ask. You can speak in rapport, using your child’s preferred language pattern – visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. If they are talking about what they don’t want e.g. “I don’t want to put on my shirt” mention something you don’t want in order to match them “and I don’t want to be late for the bus.” If they say ‘yes but’ or ‘no’ this is a mismatch pattern which you can still match for rapport by using the same pattern ‘yes but homework needs to be done first’ or ‘no, it has to be done first, then TV.

Learning about NLP means that we have choices based on more knowledge about ourselves and how we see our world and a better understanding of the other person’s world. We can then choose how we want to communicate with them.
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Even when there appears to be no choice in the ‘what’ that we have to do, there is always a choice in the ‘how’. These choices give us flexibility which puts us in control if we choose to be. 

​Have you heard the expression “Don’t think about pink elephants!” What do we find ourselves doing? Thinking about pink elephants of course. In order to make sense of the instruction, we first have to get a picture in our head of a pink elephant. So we have now done exactly what we have been told not to do even though it wasn’t our intention. That’s how negative goals work too. As we focus on what we don’t want, inadvertently we are actually getting it.
​
Thinking about what you don’t want is problem thinking whereas thinking about what you do want is outcome thinking.

It happens sometimes with children doesn’t it? You say ‘Be careful not to fall!’ and then they do just that. It’s because subconsciously they’ve heard the instruction to fall and they’ve focused on that word.
 
It may seem obvious to focus on what you want but the meaning of the communication is the response it elicits. I recently had a client who told me that every night her daughter comes in and wakes her up several times during the night. She said “I tell her every night ‘do not disturb me during the night’ and yet she does it again. I don’t know what to do.” She has told her daughter not to come in, not to wake her up or disturb her but she hasn’t told her what she does want instead. How much more effective, and what a much clearer communication to tell her daughter to stay in her room until the morning?
​
It’s not just about what we say and how we think, it’s the way we live our life and what we notice. When we notice what’s going well, the good decisions and choices we make and notice the steps we are making along the road to our goal rather than pouncing on the disappointments and false moves, that we will find ourselves closer to our goal.
 
Focusing on what we do want rather than on what we don’t want is a matter of thinking first what we really want, imagining what it will be like and taking it on as our identity. 

-As parents or teachers, carers of children, you have a very important role to play in giving them feedback. Feedback is a gift of love that shows you care about them and have an investment in their personal development. Can there be anything worse than being ignored? Children need to know that you’re paying attention to them and they want to know where they need to make changes because that’s your job as a parent, to guide them so they can achieve all they can in life.
Encourage children to give themselves feedback. We all, even children, have a nagging little inner voice that gets cross and tells us off but it needs to learn how to give feedback in a way that we can learn from it, not feel permanently stupid and lose confidence.
Here’s how to do it:

1. What specifically went well today? (3 things)
2. What could have been better? (1 thing)
3. How could I do that better next time?
4. Overall, what lessons have I learnt?

You can teach this to pre-school children upwards. Encourage them to ‘read’ feedback non - verbally so ask them how they know something went well. What were the signs? Were they noticing what people said or how they looked or what they did?
We have a tendency to have a preference whether visual, auditory or kinaesthetic so if your child generally tends to notice people’s visual response to them, encourage them to also listen to what is said and what I done so that you can open their minds up to all three types of feedback. 

Feedback to children needs to be

1. Immediate – there’s no point in spending days thinking about it and then expecting them to remember what they did. Children have very short memories and will have forgotten what they did, what they did it and wonder why you’re talking about it days later.
2. Specific – you need to draw their attention to the specific thing they did or said and what exactly they need to do more of or less of because they won’t be able to read your mind. They need to know what you want from them.
3. Sincere – the feedback needs to reflect what you think and what you believe and be something they can see is of value to you. Use ‘I’ to show that it is what you think and don’t bring other people into it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Keep this between you and your child.
4. Short – avoid long sentences and lengthy explanations about why you feel like this it isn’t helpful. Use the KISS principle – keep it simple stupid.
5. What you do want – avoid the word ‘don’t’ tell them instead what you want them to do; either more of something or less of something.
6. Avoiding the word ‘but’ because your positive start will be forgotten once you use the word ‘but’. Replace it with the word ‘and’.
7. Accepting because you are not a mind reader so don’t presume to know what their intentions were. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt and look for their positive intention. For the most part, children want to please you but their map of the world is different to yours with other more pressing priorities such as playing!
8. Focused on the behaviour rather than being a personal attack on their identity.

 
The giving and receiving of feedback is how we learn. As parents we can be inclined to jump in and do things for our children, take responsibility for organising them and their free time, even decide when and where homework should be done. Allowing children to take responsibility from an early age means that they will make mistakes and our job is to allow them to do that and let them get the learning so that the next time they do it, they do it better. The best way to show them how to respond is to pause, be curious about the learning and thank the giver of the feedback.

Give feedback to your children with love and focus on how they can learn from it and become the excellent human being you want them to be. 

What this says is that if the result you are getting such as your children’s behaviour is not what you want, then you must change your own behaviour in order to get a different result.

We tend to think as parents that it is their behaviour that must be changed and we carry on telling them off, shouting at them and getting cross.

So here is a new way of thinking.

Do something different.

If you do something different you will get a different result.

The first way to do this is to decide what result you want. There could be any number of results such as children doing what they are told, not throwing things, shouting and so on. Think of a situation that occurs frequently in your family that you’d like to change and write it down.

Now think instead about what you would like to happen. What is your desirable outcome? Write that down now.

Look back at what you’ve written.

When you decide on what result you want, you need to be quite specific and get to the detail. What exactly do you want, from whom, when and in what way? If you aren’t precise how will you know when you have achieved it? Write down exactly what you want now.

The more specific you can be about what you want to happen, the easier it will be to decide how to change what you are currently doing in order to achieve it. You will also be able to recognise it when it happens.
Note that I said ‘when it happens’ not ‘if it happens’. The word ‘if’ is a toxic word because it implies that there is a choice and that you doubt it will happen. Instead believe that it will happen by saying ‘when’. This applies to all instructions to children e.g. “When you have eaten your veg”, “When you have gone to bed nicely”, “When you have done your homework.”

Your current behaviour pattern is dictated by your beliefs. Do you believe that your children will do what you ask them? ‘If’ suggests you don’t. The reason you are shouting or using the words you are using is because you believe this works. Does it?

If it doesn’t then you need to think again. Does this belief stem from your own childhood and how you were brought up, what you consider to be of value and important about how to bring up children. This may also have come from the mores of the culture you are from, the area or region and who you spend time with in your environment.

When what you are doing is not working then look at the underlying belief for this behaviour. Are you sure your underlying belief is sound? Could you be carrying forward into the present a belief that belongs in the past? Look back at the situation you have written about and list all the beliefs that underpin your thinking.

• What do you hold in your head about what should happen in that situation?
• Where have those beliefs come from?
• Are they valid for you today?
• Are they serving you well or making life more difficult?
• Could you re-think a belief so that you could make other choices of behaviour?

Whenever you find yourself thinking ‘I should do….’ - change it to, ‘I could do…’ so that you give yourself permission to do something different.  How often do we mums run about doing all the things we believe we ‘should’ do and leave no time for us to do what we want to do? We end up feeling resentful and tired. Whose fault is this? Whose responsibility is it to change the underlying belief? Yes – YOURS!

Do your beliefs limit your choices of behaviour?
Increase your options and change your behaviour to get the result you want.
This is of course an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one? They have the same choices as you.
 
 Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps. If you have a very young child, ask them to draw what they’d like to happen. Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result happen for them.

Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.This process requires that they step into the shoes of the other people involved in the situation rather than just look at it from their point of view. This is an enormously powerful tool that they can learn as a toddler and apply throughout their life.

Extract from Positive Parenting with NLP available on Amazon. 

I've been reading so much in the newspapers recently about Trump making U-turns or Theresa May. It's always written as a negative thing. It is something apparently to be avoided. It shows a lack of sincerity, a lack of conviction or commitment to a view or process. It is not something to be admired but something to be jeered at and scorned as a sign of bad character. It's certainly not something we should be encouraging in our kids. Or is it? 

As you know, I deliver life skills courses and therapy as well as writing lots of books. One of the character traits I find most limiting in children is the belief that they are right and that whatever they're doing is OK and it's everyone else who should change. In other words they absolutely should not make a U-turn. So they continue to repeat the same behaviour, continue to find it hard to make friends, continue to be bullied, continue to be told off at school. They think it's everyone else who needs to change. Even though undeniably their behaviour is not making them happy, they're stuck in a rut and can't see any other alternatives. 

Coming to therapy enables them to look at situations another way. They are invited to consider patterns that do work well for them and become curious about those that don't. We use their insatiable curiosity and imagination to experiment with other possibilities. We use Lego, clay, drawing, role play, music to generate ideas and we sometimes even play football. For a boy, balls really hit the spot so what better way for them to experiment with changing behaviour. 

If you want to have a go yourself, put a waste paper basket on the floor and give your child some tennis balls. Ask them how many different ways they can think of to get the ball into the basket. Let's say they can find 6 different ways. Ask them what they've learned from the exercise. Then ask, can you think of 6 different ways to respond to x ? X being the bully in the playground, a subject they find difficult or being told off etc. 

"The person with the most flexibility controls the system. " This is one of the NLP Beliefs of Excellence or Pre-suppositions. When Bandler and Grinder developed NLP they found that successful people were exceptionally flexible. That didn't mean that they just caved in under pressure, nor that they said they agreed with things they didn't agree with. It was about finding other ways to express themselves, other ways to get the outcome they wanted. 

The beliefs we hold are what we hold to be true in the moment. As we discover more information through reading, discussion, experiment and by increased knowledge then we need to flex our beliefs to take on board the new knowledge. 

So encourage your children to make U-turns, encourage them to think differently. Be supportive of changes of belief about their life. They are growing and learning and having the flexibility to adapt constantly will make them stronger and happier. 

If you want to know more about beliefs of excellence or NLP take a look at my bookstore or get in touch. 

It’s that time of year again. I feel I’ve had school age children forever! My eldest is 29 and youngest 16 so I’ve long been programmed to think of this time of year as the ‘New Year’ and I start getting my ‘resolutions’ or ‘goals’ sorted out ready for the off.

NLP goal setting tends to be referred to as ‘setting compelling outcomes’ and I do this with my child clients. A compelling outcome is one that:

• they really really want
• is specific and ‘small chunk’ so they know what they’re aiming for
• they have the skills to achieve
• will make a significant difference in their life
• is so real they can imagine it happening

Let’s take these in turn.

Choosing the goal 

•  It’s no good suggesting what children should choose as their goal. It’s tempting to pass on goals their teacher has suggested from their end of year report. Maybe you’ve discussed things they could work on. However, the very best, most compelling goals are those they come up with themselves. Even if they say their goal is to be in the 1st team for football, working towards that goal will build skills and confidence they can apply in all areas.
• They need to list all their ideas and get them all out for inspection. Then go back through them
  • Are they all worded as ‘towards’ goals – what they do want not what they want to avoid
  • Is each one realistic, can they actually do this?
  • Is it in their control?
• If they give each a score out of 10 for how much they want this goal, which would score 10 out of 10?

 
Chunking down the goal 

• When we word our goals in a vague way e.g. “I want to get better marks in maths” it isn’t specific. There’s no clear sense of what ‘better’ will be and when they will have achieved it. Instead, set a specific goal that is small enough to go for with confidence that it is achievable, then set another goal afterwards.

  
The skills to achieve 

• What skills do they need to achieve the goal? They need to make a list.
• Where do they have these skills? They might have them in their sport or hobby or in another school subject.

 
Making a significant difference 

• We want our children to be happy, don’t we? In order for it to be compelling, the goal needs to make them happy. If it won’t, then choose another goal.

 
Visualising the goal 

• Ask them to close their eyes and look up to the right (this connects with the future in their brain) and picture themselves having achieved this goal. Encourage them to hear what they hear, see what they see and feel what they feel as they achieve their compelling outcome. If they can’t imagine it then it is not as compelling as they think.
• What would it be like to achieve their goal? Can they find a picture to reflect it? Use that as their phone background to remind themselves daily of how great it will be to achieve their goal.
• Strike a power pose to integrate the goal through their body – like Usain Bolt. 

I make different sets of goals. They can too,

• Personal goals (hobbies and sport mostly)
• Work goals
• Relationship goals

If you feel your child or young person would benefit from a guided Skype session for goal setting or if you’d like me to help you with this, you can book a one-hour session with free follow-up using this link http://www.nlpfamily.com/consultations.html

I’ll also be running workshops on Friday 1st September and Saturday 2nd email for details judy@nlpkids.com

If you’d like to train as an NLP Kids Practitioner with me, find out more. http://www.nlpfamily.com/practitioner-training.html

​Buy my workbooks for children, tweens and teens (parents and teachers too!) http://www.nlpfamily.com/engaging-nlp-series.html

The pattern repeats itself again and again so how do we change this and break free of it?
You stop rescuing. It's as simple as that.
When you stop rescuing and let your children take responsibility themselves, you allow them to learn how to do it in school and in life. If you always step in to 'protect them' they believe they can't do it alone, they need you to fight their battles. How confident will they be? Not very. 
So they will be at the mercy of all those persecutors out there in the playground because they can't stand up for themselves.
So start to notice who plays victim, who is persecutor, who is the rescuer. How does it switch? What happens then? Is there a pattern? Experiment with stepping out of the Drama Triangle and see how they take responsibility for themselves. Teach them some simple techniques.
1. Victim - make it clear when their sibling has gone too far by giving eye contact, stand tall, belly out (that's where your energy is) and say 'stop' . They can add a hand up to indicate where their personal space is to show it's being invaded.
2. Victim - they can suggest a solution, compromise or win win.
3. Persecutor - remind themselves that they have more than one choice, other options are available such as walking away, playing with something else etc
4. Rescuer - ask yourself why are you rescuing? Is this your responsibility or theirs? What are you adding by rescuing? What are you taking away? How will they learn in future?