How we judge others is that shadow part of us. When we criticise others, find fault, get cross, feel angry with people based on what they've said or done, it has triggered something in us about the same thing.
So when you think -
That was mean - ask yourself, how am I sometimes mean?
What was my belief at that time when I was mean?
Think back to the last time you did something similar.
What was your positive intention on that occasion?
Could there be a similar positive intention in this situation?
Does this give you greater compassion and clarity?
I met someone at a local business event who told me about his teenage son who was expressed extreme anger, throwing things around his room and shouting. He told me that he had punished the boy and taken his X Box away as a result and things had got so bad that the boy was throwing things out of his window and they were embarrassed the neighbours would see.
I asked him "Can you think of a time when you were that angry yourself?"
Initially he said "no, never" but then he remembered that a long time ago he had been overlooked for a promotion that 'should' have been his. He was very angry.
I asked him "what was your belief at that time?"
"It was so unfair." he said.
This brought clarity. Fairness was a value he had brought his son up with and so it was highly likely that this was underpinning his anger.
"Is there anything happening at the moment at home that your son may feel is unfair?' I asked.
"Oh yes" he said. "I know exactly what to do and I'll talk to him when I get home."
I am currently in Australia staying with my son, his lovely wife and baby daughter. Their way of life is understandably very different from mine as we don't have any young children at home any more. They like to keep surfaces clean and clear, safety gates need to be kept closed and noise kept to a minimum after baby has been put to bed. On several occasions I have slipped up and my son has been annoyed. I found myself feeling hurt because I hadn't meant to be careless but his positive intention was to keep my granddaughter safe and in her routine.
Here's an exercise for you.
That was mean - ask yourself, how am I sometimes mean?
What was my belief at that time when I was mean?
Think back to the last time you did something similar.
What was your positive intention on that occasion?
Could there be a similar positive intention in this situation?
Does this give you greater compassion and clarity?
I met someone at a local business event who told me about his teenage son who was expressed extreme anger, throwing things around his room and shouting. He told me that he had punished the boy and taken his X Box away as a result and things had got so bad that the boy was throwing things out of his window and they were embarrassed the neighbours would see.
I asked him "Can you think of a time when you were that angry yourself?"
Initially he said "no, never" but then he remembered that a long time ago he had been overlooked for a promotion that 'should' have been his. He was very angry.
I asked him "what was your belief at that time?"
"It was so unfair." he said.
This brought clarity. Fairness was a value he had brought his son up with and so it was highly likely that this was underpinning his anger.
"Is there anything happening at the moment at home that your son may feel is unfair?' I asked.
"Oh yes" he said. "I know exactly what to do and I'll talk to him when I get home."
I am currently in Australia staying with my son, his lovely wife and baby daughter. Their way of life is understandably very different from mine as we don't have any young children at home any more. They like to keep surfaces clean and clear, safety gates need to be kept closed and noise kept to a minimum after baby has been put to bed. On several occasions I have slipped up and my son has been annoyed. I found myself feeling hurt because I hadn't meant to be careless but his positive intention was to keep my granddaughter safe and in her routine.
Here's an exercise for you.
When we judge our children or our partner, parent or parents-in-law, take a moment to consider how we may be doing this very thing as well. There's an NLP pre-supposition that goes
'If you spot it, you've got it'.
The reason we notice it (the behaviour) in others is because it is familiar to us, it is also our pattern.
Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP and EFT Practitioner, coach, trainer and author. If you feel she could help you with an issue you're currently struggling with, get in touch. You can read about the NLP Presuppositions in 'NLP Workbook' and 'Be a happier parent with NLP'.
'If you spot it, you've got it'.
The reason we notice it (the behaviour) in others is because it is familiar to us, it is also our pattern.
Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP and EFT Practitioner, coach, trainer and author. If you feel she could help you with an issue you're currently struggling with, get in touch. You can read about the NLP Presuppositions in 'NLP Workbook' and 'Be a happier parent with NLP'.
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This new Teach Yourself Workbook doesn't just tell you how to use NLP. It accompanies you every step of the way, with diagnostic tools, goal-setting charts, practical exercises, and many more features ideal for people who want a more active style of learning. The book starts by helping you identify your own preferred styles of learning and communication. It then helps you set specific goals to improve on; as you progress through the book, you will be able to keep checking your progress against these goals. Specially created exercises, using the tools and techniques of NLP, will help you boost your skills and communication so that you can reach your potential in any situation.
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