Self-esteem is the extent to which you feel you are OK, a valuable person in your own right.  It is a measure of the opinion you have of yourself in all respects; your physical appearance, how well you perform in your work and sport, whether you feel you are popular and get on with people you meet and how well things are going for you at home with your family. Only you are the judge of your self-esteem, no-one else can make it greater or smaller. When you lack self-esteem no amount of well-meaning flattery will change this feeling unless you believe it to be true for yourself.

Self-esteem is a feeling and it can change throughout the day, over the week, month and years. You may be someone who measures it visually by what you see and the images in your mind, what you say and how you say it or your inner voice or how you feel in yourself or what you do. However you measure it, self-esteem is not tangible, it is not a fact. You cannot weigh it or measure it and it cannot be proven yet it can affect your sense of well-being and your sense of who you are in the world.

You cannot measure anyone else’s self-esteem either in fact they may seem very successful and confident to you, yet may be feeling very different inside and have low self-esteem but be very experienced at hiding it from others.

Here are some of the feelings and thoughts you might experience when you feel low self-esteem.

 " I can't do this. I'm useless."

"Everyone else is better than me."

"No-one seems to listen to what I say."

"Why do people keep criticising me?"

"I'm just a ............."

 Here are some typical thoughts you may experience when you are feeling high self-esteem.

  "My views are important, people listen when I speak."

"I get on pretty well with most people."

"When I make a mistake, I don't mind admitting it."

"I think it's important to be yourself."

"I'm OK with how I look."

Exercise 1
Here are some questions to ask yourself and think about. You might find it helpful to give yourself a score out of ten for each sentence so you can look at them after you’ve read the book to see how you have changed.

Q1. How well do you take criticism?  
Q2. Do you feel valued by your colleagues or those you interact with daily?
Q3. How often do you say what you really think or do you just agree with the majority view?
Q4. Do you get what you want from your relationships?
Q5. Do you take it personally if someone doesn’t agree with you?
Q6. Are you envious of what others have and think they’re doing better than you?
Q7. Do you sometimes feel unloved?
Q8. Do you feel embarrassed about your appearance?
Q9. Do you sometimes feel like a victim?
Q10. Do you feel you’re not good enough?

This was taken from my book 'Self-Esteem Workbook'. If you'd like to receive the first chapter free, just sign up to my newsletter. 

Whether you are returning to work in your pre-baby role, looking for alternative more child-friendly work or starting your own business, you will find these tips very helpful. They are based on NLP (neuro linguistic programming) and on the premise therefore that how we think, our beliefs and values, affects what we say and do. Most of the time we get the results we want but when we don’t we need to do something different. Flexibility is key to making different choices. Be curious about whether these tips will work for you to get the results you want.

1. What beliefs do you have about going back to work/starting a business or whatever you are thinking of doing? Where do these beliefs come from? Are they working for you or against you? If your current beliefs about being a mummy are not helpful, rethink them. Maybe a new belief will suit your current circumstances better. Beliefs are not values; after all, you don’t believe in Father Christmas any more I suspect!
2. Who are you? After having a baby our identity shifts and we become a ‘mummy’ and sometimes that work identity gets lost for a while. You may need to ask yourself the question “Who am I when I am a working person?” and recall all the skills and strengths you have with that identity. Make a list to remind yourself of all the resources you have.
3. Are you visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Do you think in images, sounds or action? Now is a great opportunity to rethink what you want to do in your working life. Set some goals and a compelling vision for the work you’d like to do.
4. Visions and goals need to be worded in the positive and state what you do want not what you don’t want. Visualise yourself doing what you feel passionate about.
5. Self-esteem often plummets after you’ve had a baby so build it up by thinking about all the things you do well and what that means you can also do well, the skills you have that enable you to do it well and how else you could use these skills in a work context. It will help to also add those things that other people say you do well.
6. If you spot it you’ve got it. As mummies we often admire other mummies and compare ourselves with them, often unfavourably. Whatever you notice in another mummy, you also have; that’s how you are able to recognise it. So when you admire someone else’s skill ask yourself “and how do I also have this skill?” maybe it’s not identical but you will have the structure of that skill.
7. Avoid words like ‘should’ and ‘can’t’, ‘but’ and ‘try’ they are all limiting beliefs so challenge them by saying “and what if I could?” Just DO IT!

Judy Bartkowiak is the author of Teach Yourself: Be a happier parent with NLP (Hodder Education) and the Engaging NLP series of workbooks including NLP for New Mums and NLP for Back to Work, NLP for Children, NLP for Parents, NLP for Teachers and NLP for Teens. You can buy her books here or on Amazon.  Join her Facebook Group – Family NLP  for exchanging views on parenting using NLP.