What a range of emotions we are feeling right now. I'm reading posts on social media from across the whole range. I've read posts from those who are overjoyed that things will eventually return to normal and that we can now see our friends and family, hug them, spend time with them and laugh again. I've also read posts from those who just feel broken after this long period of struggle. It feels like at last they can fall apart. 

Tears and falling apart, sobbing, extreme tiredness and also rage are all emotions we've had to keep in check, especially in front of the kids. We try so hard to be strong for them and it's hard to find somewhere to let all that emotion out. We are scared too. What if we can't get it back together afterwards? 

I've worked with a lot of women over the last months who feel they have to protect their family, support everyone, love everyone even when they are being insanely annoying or inconsiderate, unkind and just plain impossible. We have to be above all that as parents and especially as mums because having given birth to them we tend to feel responsible and their pain is our pain. We take responsibility for their feelings, wanting them to be happy and when they are not, we feel we have failed. When they are sad and angry we take the feelings on for them and empathise. But we have no control. We don't control Covid or Lockdown and maybe we don't even agree with the rules but in this case, we can't do anything so we feel helpless. 

In a few days they will be back at school. Promise me you will take the opportunity to allow yourself to fall apart a bit, cry, shout, rant and rave and then......................gently put yourself back together in whatever way you need, do what you need to do for yourself. The 'to do' list can wait. Maybe you just want to do nothing at all. This is the time to allow yourself to 'be' after a long period of 'doing'. The 'be' is your female energy and it is about nurturing yourself (even if you are a man, you have some female energy) just accepting what is and being there for whatever comes. 

You are enough, you are good enough just as you are. 

I've been reading a lot about attachment theory because after empty nest stage and hubbie retiring I found myself a bit adrift; unsure who I was as a woman and unsure who I was as a wife. We met fairly late in life when I was 30yrs old and we had our children straight away so we didn't have a long period together as a couple. So when the kids no longer really needed me as a mum, I started wondering what my role was. My hubbie is very self-sufficient and found my constant need for attention, stifling and he rebelled. This caused me to be even more anxious and I felt quite unloved. I started to read up on everything I could find and like most therapists, I sought therapy for myself. 

My learning has made a profound difference in my life because I realised that right from childhood, I had the potential to have anxious attachment. There were lots of very happy social times and I had lots of friends but I was very sensitive to fallouts or conflict, taking them very personally. 

In a nutshell, here are the descriptions (taken from Attached - Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller) 

Secure attachment - you are comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
Anxious attached - you crave intimacy and are preoccupied with your relationships and tend to worry about your partner's ability to love you back
Avoidant attached - you equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness

Although mostly (75%) we acquire our attachment style during childhood, we can find that as a result of our early romantic relationships during adolescence, we can switch attachment style. 

The healthiest attachment style is clearly 'secure' and that's happily what I have now and this style influences so many areas of ones life. Here are some of the benefits of working towards secure attachment.

- no longer needing to react defensively in an argument
- more flexible reaction to criticism, willing to think again
- feel more confident about expressing needs, knowing they will be heard
- no interest in 'playing games'
- more able to connect intimately because I feel safe
- quick to forgive

Another book I read which helped me enormously was Greg Baer's book 'Real Love' which emphasises the need for children to experience unconditional love from their parents so that they feel safe and free to make mistakes, knowing they will still be loved. 

You can check your attachment style using the link in the Attached book or there are lots of online quizes you can try. 

Remember, I can help you if you'd like some coaching on your relationships. 
​Call me