If you always do what you’ve always done then you will always get what you’ve always got

This is a great place to start, isn’t it? What this addresses is the premise that certainly I as a parent believed which was that if you keep doing something, eventually it will work. This is a trap we can all fall into at one time or another, often without even realising that we are repeating the same pattern. As parents we may be particularly prone to this as we may follow the pattern we used with our first child with child number two and wonder what’s wrong when they don’t automatically respond in the same way. But our children are different and may each need a different approach. Continuing to repeat the same pattern won’t suddenly begin to work. It’s us who need to think of another way for that child which will be more appropriate for them.

As teachers, when children don’t understand one way you might be explaining a concept, you need to find another way, you can’t just repeat the same explanation hoping that the penny will eventually drop.

Many children expect their parents or teachers to change. ‘It’s all their fault!’ is what they’ll say. What this NLP pre-supposition says is that if the result (what you get) is not what you want, then it is YOU who has to change.

For many children this is a new way of thinking, a new way of taking responsibility.

Do something different.
If you do something different you will get a different result.

This is an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one? 

I love this expression and use it frequently,
‘What would you like to have happen?’

Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps. If you have a very young child, ask them to draw what they’d like to see happen. Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result a reality. Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.

You may find some resistance. After all, this may be a pattern that’s been going on since early childhood. I find using hypnotic embedded commands quite useful here.

‘I’m wondering what you could do to change this?’
‘I’m curious about what you can do to make this change happen?’
‘I’m wondering when you’ll find another option in this situation.’

Clean Language is useful here as well, especially using the time sequenced phrases. This enables them to understand what happens in order so they can see the structure of the behaviour.

‘…and when you’ve done something different, what happens next?’
‘…and when you do something different before, what happens then?’
‘…and that xxxx… tell me about that.’
‘…and when x does y…. what happens next?’

​
An activity I also find useful for this belief of excellence is using Story Cubes. Of course, you can simply get them to tell a story about a sequence of events that keeps recurring that doesn’t give them the result they want. However, I find switching to a right-brain activity such as drawing, storytelling or other creative activity helps shift them into a more imaginative frame of mind where they are more open to other options and changing a behaviour pattern. With the Story Cubes, you can ask them to tell you a story of what normally happens and then repeat the exercise telling the story in other ways to get the result they think would work better for them.

If you’re doing this in a school, it would make a great drama activity as groups of students create different outcomes for common playground misunderstandings. You could also set it up as an art activity creating different scenarios or ask students to take videos to show this.

I like the idea of writing a letter from the future to their younger self.
‘Imagine you have achieved this thing and you are writing a letter or text telling your younger self, your x (their current age) year old self, how great it is to be doing it.’

The idea of future pacing is to get the brain imagining and creating that outcome in the future where it has already happened. It’s like mapping your neural pathways ahead of doing the thing you want to do, so they know where they have to go. 

If you'd like to know more about how to use NLP to help your kids, here are a few things you can do that are completely FREE.

- Like my Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/NLPEFTKids
- Join my mailing list for lots of tips https://judybart.substack.com/
​- Listen to my podcast 'Understanding children and teens' Judy Bartkowiak

I would also recommend my latest books (well I would wouldn't I?!)  'Understanding children and teens' and 'Empower your kids!' . You can get a signed copy from me of course or buy from any of the usual places. 

I hope this short video goes some way to introducing myself to you so you learn what I do, what is important to me and what I bring to my writing, training and coaching. 

I have been very busy over the last year writing two books, I can hardly believe it myself! 

The first came out in November and it is primarily aimed at those of you who work professionally with children who are experiencing problems. 

You'll find chapters on every NLP and EFT technique, how to use Art and mix it up with EFT to do picture tapping. Every exercise and technique is explained in detail and I've included examples to show how I've used the techniques with children and teens. 

If you are a parent this book will also be helpful although if you're not so interested in the NLP and EFT theory and want to simply help your child with fear or anxiety, anger, low self-esteem or coping with change, learning etc then my next book is for you! 

It's called 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents.' The first part covers more general parenting use of NLP and EFT to improve communication with your child or teen. The second part takes every issue, a chapter at a time and talks you through techniques that will help as well as tapping scripts for each. 

I don't have any copies of this yet but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Once I have copies you can buy it from my bookshop. 

If you're looking for workbooks that your children can use to learn basic NLP and EFT techniques to help them with confidence, learning, resilience, anxiety and so on then buy them the Engaging NLP workbooks. You'll find each one gives you an extract so you can decide if they will be able to understand and enjoy the material.  

I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them.

Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.

Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.

We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will, of course, find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do, but others will find it hard some days.

It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.

In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.

However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.

When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok, they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need to tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.

Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast. The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when there might be a sabre tooth tiger around the corner, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.

Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question sends them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened.

Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say, ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.

So now we understand and can help children understand, what can we do to help them?

1. Remind them that they are brave and resourceful. Focusing on when they are anxious and looking at them in that concerned and loving way we do as parents, simply draws attention to a state of mind that they don’t want. We are people of influence so what we do shows them where they also need to out their attention. Instead, mark out times when they are brave, smart, resourceful, creative anything positive.
2. Make a mindfulness jar. Take an empty jam jar and fill it with water. Invite them to choose different colour glitter for each of their thoughts – worrying thoughts, sad thoughts, happy thoughts, cross thoughts and so on. They can add the colour glitter representing each emotion into the water. Close the top and shake. Sit and watch as the glitter whirls around like their busy worried mind and then watch quietly as it settles just like their thoughts will do when they breathe deeply and slowly, noticing the worrying thoughts but letting them settle.
3. Self-compassion break. Invite them to put their hands on their chest and tune in to how they feel (this is a great one for you too!)

“I feel……………..”
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say:
“Children/Mums/Dads/Teachers all over the world are feeling this right now.”
Then take your hands back to your chest and say:
“And what I need now is……………”
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.

1. Five finger breathing. Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Encourage them to write in it every day before they go to bed. Ask them to make a short note of what they are grateful for from that day. Many children are struggling with sleep at the moment and it is worse at night, alone in the dark worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I like to ask them to write three things to encourage them to be curious to find things they’re grateful for and ideally something specific not simply ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ but something they specifically noticed and were grateful for. Again you might like to do this too. Remember they will pick up on how you are… no matter how much you think you’re hiding it!

About the author
Judy Bartkowiak is an International NLP and EFT Trainer for parents, teachers and existing Practitioners/Coaches/Therapists. She shares her passion and skills in working with children and teens through training and has written myriad books on the subject. Judy owns and runs NLP & EFT Kids, which is a family coaching practice in Berkshire, England. Clients are typically children aged four to 18 years, their parents and sometimes the whole family.
Understanding Children & Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers & Coaches By Judy Bartkowiak

I have a new book coming out very very soon, November 9th in fact. 

A bit like having a baby (I had four!) I'm nervous and excited at the same time. It was enjoyable writing the book but I'm not a huge fan of social media and marketing which you have to be nowadays I'm afraid to say. 

I'm going to have some books you can buy from my website which I will sign for you. It's great if you can support your local bookshops of course, especially in these uncertain times. 

So let me tell you about the book. 

When I started to write this book, pre Covid-19 in January 2020, it was my intention to share with you all my experience and learnings so that you would have a wide range of tools and modalities at your fingertips as professionals working with children, teens, parents and families. It had not been my intention to write for parents as I had done with Be a happier parent with NLP.  

Then Covid-19 turned our lives upside down. We all had to face almost wartime restrictions on our liberty, our finances and our ability to work. Schools closed and children were home-schooled while parents tried to continue working with nobody able to draw on extended families and friends for support. Many of us lost our jobs, homes and livelihood. Thousands lost loved ones. It would be fair to say that we all struggled, along with other families, all over the world.

As I was writing the book, parents were telling me how they and their families were suffering, how they were experiencing mental and emotional problems they hadn’t had before and they didn’t know what to do. I realised that what I was writing for professionals was also relevant for parents, many of whom would, in any case, be working in a professional capacity with children. I also recognised that teachers were also facing extreme challenges and would continue to do so for many months or even years. So, parents and teachers, this book is very much written with you in mind.

Whether you use these exercises for your own children or for those you work with, they are all fun to do and yield great insight. They enable healing through showing children and teens that they have other possibilities. They are no longer stuck and can change their patterns.

My guiding principles when working with children are:
-       Observe the body language
-       Listen and notice the language patterns
-       Listen specifically for the limiting beliefs
-       Be curious about where they might have the skills to overcome them
-       Find their models of excellence
-       Help them ‘join up the dots’
-       Make the learning and skills ‘portable’ so they don’t need me
Joining up the dots may be through:
-       Reflecting back using ‘clean language’
-       Feedback of a pattern you’ve noticed
-       Guiding them in an exercise which enables them to disassociate and see the pattern for themselves
-       Addressing a limiting belief through a technique from NLP or EFT
 
 
The analogy I use is this:
Imagine your client is stuck in the mud. They can’t get out on their own, and by holding out your hand to them, they can make their first few steps until they are back on the dry ground where they can run and play again.
You will have your own metaphor or analogy of how you work with your child clients or with your own child, and I think it’s helpful to have one, because there can be a tendency when you love children to ‘rescue’ them rather than coach them. As parents, we do still need to have access to that inner coach as children move towards independence. This is a time when you can’t be ‘fixing' or ‘rescuing them’ and they need to be forming their own coping strategies.
Finally, it is my intention that this book contains all the skills and expertise I have acquired over the last 20 years or so while working with children. We continue to learn all the time, and I share what I know with my students. You can book training courses with me via my website www.nlpfamily.com and I have listed resources at the back for modalities that I mention but in which I am not an expert.
 
Please support me and use this book to support your children.