Self-esteem is the extent to which you feel you are OK, a valuable person in your own right.  It is a measure of the opinion you have of yourself in all respects; your physical appearance, how well you perform in your work and sport, whether you feel you are popular and get on with people you meet and how well things are going for you at home with your family. Only you are the judge of your self-esteem, no-one else can make it greater or smaller. When you lack self-esteem no amount of well-meaning flattery will change this feeling unless you believe it to be true for yourself.

Self-esteem is a feeling and it can change throughout the day, over the week, month and years. You may be someone who measures it visually by what you see and the images in your mind, what you say and how you say it or your inner voice or how you feel in yourself or what you do. However you measure it, self-esteem is not tangible, it is not a fact. You cannot weigh it or measure it and it cannot be proven yet it can affect your sense of well-being and your sense of who you are in the world.

You cannot measure anyone else’s self-esteem either in fact they may seem very successful and confident to you, yet may be feeling very different inside and have low self-esteem but be very experienced at hiding it from others.

Here are some of the feelings and thoughts you might experience when you feel low self-esteem.

 " I can't do this. I'm useless."

"Everyone else is better than me."

"No-one seems to listen to what I say."

"Why do people keep criticising me?"

"I'm just a ............."

 Here are some typical thoughts you may experience when you are feeling high self-esteem.

  "My views are important, people listen when I speak."

"I get on pretty well with most people."

"When I make a mistake, I don't mind admitting it."

"I think it's important to be yourself."

"I'm OK with how I look."

Exercise 1
Here are some questions to ask yourself and think about. You might find it helpful to give yourself a score out of ten for each sentence so you can look at them after you’ve read the book to see how you have changed.

Q1. How well do you take criticism?  
Q2. Do you feel valued by your colleagues or those you interact with daily?
Q3. How often do you say what you really think or do you just agree with the majority view?
Q4. Do you get what you want from your relationships?
Q5. Do you take it personally if someone doesn’t agree with you?
Q6. Are you envious of what others have and think they’re doing better than you?
Q7. Do you sometimes feel unloved?
Q8. Do you feel embarrassed about your appearance?
Q9. Do you sometimes feel like a victim?
Q10. Do you feel you’re not good enough?

This was taken from my book 'Self-Esteem Workbook'. If you'd like to receive the first chapter free, just sign up to my newsletter. 

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1. In the morning when you’re getting dressed, imagine what a great day you’ll have. Think of the skills and qualities you’ll need and imagine putting them on as you dress, like your armour, to keep you safe and strong. You have a great many skills and qualities. If you find yourself thinking of an activity rather than a skill, ask yourself “so what skills must I have to be good at that thing?” and the same if you mention a school subject, “so what skills do I have that make me good at that subject?”.
2. As you have breakfast, imagine stoking up on positive energy. Calibrate how positive you feel on a scale of 1-10 and start thinking of things that make you happy that can take it up the scale.
3. On the way to school, list the things you’re looking forward to; making new friends, seeing old friends, meeting new teachers, exploring new topics, learning new sports, enjoying familiar sports and so on.
4. As you walk into the school playground, make eye contact with someone you know and walk over for a chat. Someone on their own will be very glad you did. If there’s a group, join in their conversation rather than starting a new one.
5. Everyone’s a bit nervous on the first day, so go easy on yourself and others. Be friendly. If you don’t get a good response, it may not be about you. If you haven’t said or done anything wrong, it may just be nerves on their part. Give them another chance.
6. If you feel a bit overwhelmed, which is perfectly normal, take yourself somewhere quiet and breathe. Breathe in for 6 and out for 6. Moving your breath around the body is the fastest way to ease any anxiety.
7. Smile, laugh and respond positively when you can. It eases the tension everyone will be feeling on the first days. Be agreeable. You may not support the same football team or like the same music, but you are all in the same situation, probably missing home, feeling sad the holidays are over and worrying about anything and everything so look for what you have in common, not the differences.
8. You will feel resilient when you take responsibility for yourself. Make a note of your homework, what you need each day and focus in the lessons. It’s so hard after weeks of not having to, so go easy on yourself and get some early nights and eat well. It’s called self-care.
9. If things really haven’t gone well here’s what to do to build yourself up for tomorrow. Fine a quiet place and put your phone on silent. Now do that breathe in for 6 and breathe out for 6 (it’s called heartmath breathing). Then think of one thing that has gone well. Now think of what one thing you want to do more of or less of tomorrow and imagine yourself doing it. Then remind yourself what you’re grateful for even if it’s just the chance to do better tomorrow.
10. To help you get to sleep do a body scan. Lie in bed and imagine a beam of energy from your eyes to your big left toe then imagine that beam going across your toes and under your feet. Feel the bedclothes under them. Then travel that beam up your body, squeeze and relax each muscle as you move towards your head. Then take the beam back down the right side of the body, again squeezing and relaxing each muscle along the way.

 

If I can help you in any way, give me a call or email. Check out my workbooks for children, tweens and teens.....parents and teachers. 

-As parents or teachers, carers of children, you have a very important role to play in giving them feedback. Feedback is a gift of love that shows you care about them and have an investment in their personal development. Can there be anything worse than being ignored? Children need to know that you’re paying attention to them and they want to know where they need to make changes because that’s your job as a parent, to guide them so they can achieve all they can in life.
Encourage children to give themselves feedback. We all, even children, have a nagging little inner voice that gets cross and tells us off but it needs to learn how to give feedback in a way that we can learn from it, not feel permanently stupid and lose confidence.
Here’s how to do it:

1. What specifically went well today? (3 things)
2. What could have been better? (1 thing)
3. How could I do that better next time?
4. Overall, what lessons have I learnt?

You can teach this to pre-school children upwards. Encourage them to ‘read’ feedback non - verbally so ask them how they know something went well. What were the signs? Were they noticing what people said or how they looked or what they did?
We have a tendency to have a preference whether visual, auditory or kinaesthetic so if your child generally tends to notice people’s visual response to them, encourage them to also listen to what is said and what I done so that you can open their minds up to all three types of feedback. 

Feedback to children needs to be

1. Immediate – there’s no point in spending days thinking about it and then expecting them to remember what they did. Children have very short memories and will have forgotten what they did, what they did it and wonder why you’re talking about it days later.
2. Specific – you need to draw their attention to the specific thing they did or said and what exactly they need to do more of or less of because they won’t be able to read your mind. They need to know what you want from them.
3. Sincere – the feedback needs to reflect what you think and what you believe and be something they can see is of value to you. Use ‘I’ to show that it is what you think and don’t bring other people into it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Keep this between you and your child.
4. Short – avoid long sentences and lengthy explanations about why you feel like this it isn’t helpful. Use the KISS principle – keep it simple stupid.
5. What you do want – avoid the word ‘don’t’ tell them instead what you want them to do; either more of something or less of something.
6. Avoiding the word ‘but’ because your positive start will be forgotten once you use the word ‘but’. Replace it with the word ‘and’.
7. Accepting because you are not a mind reader so don’t presume to know what their intentions were. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt and look for their positive intention. For the most part, children want to please you but their map of the world is different to yours with other more pressing priorities such as playing!
8. Focused on the behaviour rather than being a personal attack on their identity.

 
The giving and receiving of feedback is how we learn. As parents we can be inclined to jump in and do things for our children, take responsibility for organising them and their free time, even decide when and where homework should be done. Allowing children to take responsibility from an early age means that they will make mistakes and our job is to allow them to do that and let them get the learning so that the next time they do it, they do it better. The best way to show them how to respond is to pause, be curious about the learning and thank the giver of the feedback.

Give feedback to your children with love and focus on how they can learn from it and become the excellent human being you want them to be. 

It’s that time of year again. I feel I’ve had school age children forever! My eldest is 29 and youngest 16 so I’ve long been programmed to think of this time of year as the ‘New Year’ and I start getting my ‘resolutions’ or ‘goals’ sorted out ready for the off.

NLP goal setting tends to be referred to as ‘setting compelling outcomes’ and I do this with my child clients. A compelling outcome is one that:

• they really really want
• is specific and ‘small chunk’ so they know what they’re aiming for
• they have the skills to achieve
• will make a significant difference in their life
• is so real they can imagine it happening

Let’s take these in turn.

Choosing the goal 

•  It’s no good suggesting what children should choose as their goal. It’s tempting to pass on goals their teacher has suggested from their end of year report. Maybe you’ve discussed things they could work on. However, the very best, most compelling goals are those they come up with themselves. Even if they say their goal is to be in the 1st team for football, working towards that goal will build skills and confidence they can apply in all areas.
• They need to list all their ideas and get them all out for inspection. Then go back through them
  • Are they all worded as ‘towards’ goals – what they do want not what they want to avoid
  • Is each one realistic, can they actually do this?
  • Is it in their control?
• If they give each a score out of 10 for how much they want this goal, which would score 10 out of 10?

 
Chunking down the goal 

• When we word our goals in a vague way e.g. “I want to get better marks in maths” it isn’t specific. There’s no clear sense of what ‘better’ will be and when they will have achieved it. Instead, set a specific goal that is small enough to go for with confidence that it is achievable, then set another goal afterwards.

  
The skills to achieve 

• What skills do they need to achieve the goal? They need to make a list.
• Where do they have these skills? They might have them in their sport or hobby or in another school subject.

 
Making a significant difference 

• We want our children to be happy, don’t we? In order for it to be compelling, the goal needs to make them happy. If it won’t, then choose another goal.

 
Visualising the goal 

• Ask them to close their eyes and look up to the right (this connects with the future in their brain) and picture themselves having achieved this goal. Encourage them to hear what they hear, see what they see and feel what they feel as they achieve their compelling outcome. If they can’t imagine it then it is not as compelling as they think.
• What would it be like to achieve their goal? Can they find a picture to reflect it? Use that as their phone background to remind themselves daily of how great it will be to achieve their goal.
• Strike a power pose to integrate the goal through their body – like Usain Bolt. 

I make different sets of goals. They can too,

• Personal goals (hobbies and sport mostly)
• Work goals
• Relationship goals

If you feel your child or young person would benefit from a guided Skype session for goal setting or if you’d like me to help you with this, you can book a one-hour session with free follow-up using this link http://www.nlpfamily.com/consultations.html

I’ll also be running workshops on Friday 1st September and Saturday 2nd email for details judy@nlpkids.com

If you’d like to train as an NLP Kids Practitioner with me, find out more. http://www.nlpfamily.com/practitioner-training.html

​Buy my workbooks for children, tweens and teens (parents and teachers too!) http://www.nlpfamily.com/engaging-nlp-series.html

NLP is rich in ideas for improving rapport and this is what we need in order to communicate well with our children. 
 
VAK is the name we give to the visual, auditory and kinaesthetic preference that is usually the starting point for any NLP discussion on communication because it is the basic structure of the language patterns we choose. Visual is of course what a child chooses if they are visually aware and think in images. Auditory preferenced children like to talk, listen and enjoy sounds in preference to pictures. Kinaesthetic children are more physical and active and more sensitive to atmosphere and temperature. Listen for the words used when they are talking to you and use their pattern to make the best connection. A quick way to check out which your own child is, is to ask them a simple question such as "What was your favourite lesson today?" Then listen to how they tell you. Are they talking in pictures or sounds or more action and feelings? Use the same words back to them to encourage them to tell you more. For example:

Child - we did a really funny thing in class today (did is an action word - kinaesthetic)
Parent - what did you do?

Child - you should have seen the teachers' face (seen is a visual word)
Parent - what did it look like?

Child - the teacher told us about the Vikings? (told is an auditory word)
Parent - what did he/she say? 

Mismatched responses would be:  
Parent - what did you see / hear?
Parent - what did he/she do?
Parent - what did they look like?  
 
NLP Meta Programs are the way your mind works and includes patterns we’ve talked about a lot such as :

• associated/disassociated (connecting with your own feelings or standing apart and viewing them like a fly on the wall)
• away from/towards (avoiding something or positively aiming for something)
• matching/mismatching (looking for similarities or differences)
• internally / externally referenced (checking in with your own values or looking for the approval of others)
• big chunk/small chunk (big picture or detailed thinking)
• choices/ process (options or plans)

 
Listen for the thinking pattern and match it for achieving rapport.
 
Then there are filters we use that get in the way of clear and clean communication such as:
 
Distortions – assumptions about someone’s thinking or behaviour
-mistaken cause and effect i.e the idea that someone makes you feel something (no, you choose to feel it)
Deletions – vague statements, vague comparisons (i.e better than, worse than)
Generalisations – everyone, no-one, never, always, must, should
 
When your child uses any of these you need to challenge them to get clarity. The easiest and least offensive way is simply to repeat what they’ve said with an upward inflection at the end to imply a question and emphasise the generalisation. For example, they say “No-one likes me, I don't have any friends". You say "no-one likes you at all?" and "you don't have any friends?" and they may then amend the generalisation to explain that they do have one or two. This way you have a more interesting conversation, when information is more accurate and you achieve rapport.
 
You will improve rapport by matching verbal language in terms of pace, volume, rhythm, tone and pitch. Correctly done it will seem as if you speak the same language and have so much in common but do it parrot fashion or like an actor without sensitivity or good intention and it could be seen as mocking and insulting.
 
Non verbal language , how you stand, how you hold your head and your whole body posture needs to match the child you’re talking to so that you are mirror images of each other. This again improves rapport.
 
Think of people you know who communicate well and copy what they do. 

Ever since I first learned about NLP from Sue Knight back in the early noughties I instantly knew that it would change parenting for me. At that time I had four children aged from baby to teenager. I was also working from home as a children's market researcher for TV production companies. Life was hectic and it felt as if I was lurching from one drama to another. I felt overwhelmed and useless. None of my own mother's advice was helpful because she hadn't worked nor would she have allowed us to have a different opinion yet alone voice it. I loved my children, yes, but I wasn't sure I actually liked them that much. They seemed to have no respect for me. 

As I learned over the two day introduction course about how NLP worked and about the beliefs of excellence, I realised that what needed to change was me, not them. I needed to show by my own behaviour what I wanted from them. I needed to speak differently and choose my words more carefully so I was clear about what I wanted to happen. I had to stop telling them what not to do and think about what I did want them to do and communicate it clearly and succinctly. 

I started to use some of the learning immediately and noticed changes so I signed up for the Business Practitioner course (there wasn't a family focused option then) then the Master Practitioner. So impassioned was I that I started writing a book about how I was using it and making a difference in our family life. Luckily for me, Hodder and Stoughton liked the idea and soon a I was a published author and more books followed. 

I then did the Trainers' Training so I could not only continue to run workshops and deliver children's therapy but also train existing NLPers in how to work with children using the techniques they'd learned for the workplace. 

My training is currently individual over Skype if you're an NLP newbie or did your NLP course a long time ago and want a refresher. That way I can really focus on you and your learning, your own life situation and make sure you really know how to use the NLP techniques confidently. If you are able to come and stay with me here in Burnham near Maidenhead, then we can do the work in four days rather than the 12 one hour sessions and homework. There are opportunities to share practice in our private students' Facebook group and I am planning to run regular meetups via Skype or Zoom. 

If you are an existing NLP Practitioner or Trainer then we work in small tutorial groups of 4-6 where there is a discussion each week (12 weeks) based on notes and case studies from my children's therapy practice. You will have to do some research and homework to prepare for each session so I'm spacing them two weeks apart to make sure you have enough time. 

In January I'm launching a downloadable course for those who prefer to study in their own time and at their own pace. Similarly there will be a private Facebook group for sharing experiences and learning. 

Feedback is an essential part of all learning and you have access to me at any time to discuss how your learning and applications of learning are going or even if you just want to sound me out about something that's going on at home or with a client. 

This is not an accredited NLP Practitioner course because it is not residential so although I am qualified and accredited as a trainer, these courses are essentially experiential and practical because as a parent myself I know this is important. I know that you want to be the best parent or teacher that you can be or the best NLP Practitioner so I'm here to help you be the best you can be just as you want that for the children and young people in your care. 

Please get in touch for timing etc but prices are on my website.