Sharing my podcast on sleep issues. 
If you'd prefer to read about it, read on........

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​Who has the sleep problem? It is important to first decide whose problem it is because I have sometimes been told that a child has a sleep problem only to find that the child is reluctant to resolve it because the benefits are more attractive than the problem.
 
Now I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation and sometimes things can start one way, with the child simply enjoying that extra time with Mummy or Daddy or it can start another way with a genuine nightmare or being scared of the dark or being alone, but when things have continued to become a pattern we need to examine quite closely whose problem it is. It is then up to that person to do the work.
 
I’m going to cover working with a parent and working with a child here so you have both.
 
First, though, I want you to think back to the first time the behaviour happened. What was going on at that time?
 
Children will be sensitive to situations in the family or in your relationship, that you may think you’re covering up really well. Death of a grandparent, for example, can affect a child more than you’d expect. Their world is very small and their parents and grandparents are people of influence so they will have a huge impact. If, when a grandparent dies, they feel they can’t express their grief because they can see you are upset, they will find other ways to get the extra attention they need. If this behaviour and the associated attention gives them that comfort, the habit may continue       because it’s now become a pattern that feels reassuring.
 
So, think about when it started. What happened just before? You may need to spend time discussing that with them and allowing them time now to express that grief or loss.
 
What happens is that a situation, issue or event can get associated with a behaviour such that until the issue is resolved, the behaviour will continue.
 
Children get stuck in patterns of behaviour that become reassuring because they are familiar and they can’t imagine another option. We can use visualisation to help with this. First, it’s helpful to know if your child is visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. A visual child notices what they see, they have great imagination, tend to be very creative and will be the first to notice if you change your appearance in any way. An auditory child will be more verbal, chatty, will probably love music and notice sounds and what’s said rather than what they see. A kinaesthetic child is active, fidgety and wants to be on the move.
 
Their language patterns will be different. Even if you find your child may have aspects of all three – visual, auditory and kinaesthetic – they will have a preference. Visual children tend to use words like look, see, imagine, watch, notice. Auditory preferences will be; sound, noise, hear, listen. Kinaesthetic preference will be any action or ‘doing’ word. Kinaesthetic children tend to be more physical too, wanting touch and cuddles. Comfort is very important so being too hot or cold in bed will affect them.
 
The reason I’m telling you about this is that it will help you know what to say to reassure them and to know what their focus is likely to be. An auditory child will notice every little creak and noise in the house. A visual child is likely to be more aware of the dark or indeed, light coming through a blind or curtain in the summer when they are trying to sleep and a kinaesthetic child will notice an uncomfortable bed, being too hot or cold or will want the extra cuddles.
 
When reassuring them, pay attention to their language pattern, for example:
 
Visual child
-       I’d like to see you tucked up in bed with the light off when I look in on you later
-       Have a look at your clock when you wake up, if it’s a number smaller than 7, read your book or draw a picture and I’ll look at it when I see you
 
Auditory child
-       I can hear that you are not in bed yet, I told you it’s time for bed, did you hear me?
-       Can you tell me when you’re ready for me to say goodnight
 
Kinaesthetic child
-       Get into bed, get a move on, you can do it! I’ll come in for a cuddle when you’re in bed
-       How quickly can you get ready for bed, shall I time you?
 
Obviously you know your own child so you can create your own versions with which to experiment.
 
Do your children believe you when you either threaten them or bribe them? Do they take you seriously when you tell them you want them to go to bed?
 
I’ve noticed that parents talk very differently to their children than to colleagues at work and of course they do, it’s natural. However, when your child is not listening or is not doing what you’ve asked, it’s a good idea to test out your work voice! After all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got. The difference is the belief behind the voice. Your work voice is delivered with the belief that you will be heard and what you ask will be done. Is your home voice asking your child to go to bed, delivered with the belief that it won’t be listened to and what you ask will be ignored?
 
Have a go at this yourself.
 
Use the voice recorder on your smartphone and record various versions of an instruction regarding the going to bed routine or the waking up during the night and not going back to sleep routine, whichever you have problems with.
 
Version 1 – How you normally say it (you may want to check with your partner if this is how you say it).
 
Version 2 – How you would say it, if you were asking someone to do something at work.
 
Version 3 – With the belief that you deserve to be heard and that you expect to be obeyed.
 
Listen back to your recordings. What do you notice? Experiment with them and perfect the most effective rendition.
 
Remember, making good eye contact is important and combine it with your child’s preferred language pattern.
 
Do you tell them what you DO want or what you DON’T want?
 
Example
 
I had a client who came to see me, very tired. Her daughter came into their room every night, got into their bed so she ended up sleeping on the floor because her daughter’s bed was too small.
 
She said, “Every night when I put her to bed, I tell her DO NOT COME INTO OUR ROOM, but every night she does.”
 
“What do you want her to do?” I asked.
 
She repeated that she did not want her to come into their room.
 
I then said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. But still she insisted that she did NOT want her daughter to come into their room.
 
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, focusing on what you don’t want and it can be hard to change.
 
I had to make it really clear before she eventually got it. I said, “I know you don’t want her to come into your room, but what DO you want instead?”
 
At last she realised and said, “I suppose I want her to stay in her own room”. I asked if she’d ever asked her to do that and she admitted that she hadn’t.
 
The next day, she sent me an email confirming that her daughter had stayed in her own room for the first time and everyone had woken up feeling refreshed for a change.
 
It is much easier for children to follow what we call a ‘towards’ instruction of what we DO want.
 
If you don’t believe me…
 
…DON’T THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS!
 
What are you thinking about?
 
Exactly.

There's a whole chapter in the book about how you can help your child including activities and EFT tapping scripts. Happy #worldsleepday 

You can buy my book on Amazon of course, bookshops and Book Depository. 

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you are struggling with something so easy? 

I do. 

It could be something like trying to thread a needle, work out how to use a new piece of software or how to express yourself in a difficult email. Maybe you're looking at competitive quotes for utilities or insurance? My hubbie has been doing that recently and I could hear him getting very annoyed at complicated it was. 

My current struggle is with some writing software called Scrivener. No I know that plenty of writers use it, there are lots of helpful You Tube videos and a tutorial on the website but nevertheless I am struggling to work out how to create new documents and where to put the website links for research. My novel is set in Victorian England and I have lots of research resources I want to access easily. 

I look at it, but in no time I want to give up. 

This morning I was out cycling with one of my cycling group, Paul, and we were discussing electric bikes and the idea of my getting one in order to help me up some of the steeper hills. It occurred to me that this was a nice easy (if expensive) option. 

But Paul said "You always seem to get up even the steepest hill" to which I replied "yes eventually". Then I thought about how I do this. 

One of the NLP principles is that we have our model of success somewhere, we just need to find it because 'we already have all the resources we need'. 

So how do I manage to cycle uphill?

The thing to do is to look at the structure and break it into steps.

1. I go down to the lowest gear I have.
2. I focus on the road just in front of my front tyre - if I looked at the top of the hill I would probably give up! I need to take it in baby steps. 
3. I maintain an even rhythm and listen to the sound of the tyres on the road or track, like it was music.
4. I might even make up a little song or rhyme to jolly myself along.
5. I notice how well I'm doing and imagine how great I'll feel when I get to the top and join my cycling pals.
6. I get there and have some water, enjoy the view and thing how amazing I am! 

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​That's not me by the way! I wish! 

So how can I take this model of success and apply it to understanding how Scrivener works? 

Instead of giving up, deciding it's too complicated and feeling I'm hopeless, useless and incompetent, I could apply this model from cycling. 

1. Set myself up into a slow gear.
2. Make a list of what I'm trying to do so it's clear in my mind.
2. Focus on one small task at a time. 
3. Celebrate each new task completed
4. Imagine how great I'll feel when I feel I've got the files in some sort of order
5. Celebrate, a new skill learnt. 

You may need to learn a new skill due to changes as a result of the pandemic. Maybe you're starting your own business, going freelance, becoming self. Perhaps you're supporting a friend or one of your children to learn something new? 

Use this approach. 

Ask them where in their life have they overcome a challenge, learnt a new skill, persevered despite obstacles. What was the structure of their success in that situation? 

Children are always learning new skills, like the boy in the image above, putting on socks for themselves, laces, doing long division, multiplying fractions, spelling three syllable words and so on. Right now they are struggling with changes in their schooling just as you have been struggling with home schooling or managing to share the house with a family with different needs who all feel fed up. 

Once you believe you have the skills and just need to figure out where you have them, you have the answer. 

Sometimes it will help to ask someone else who may have the answer. This in NLP terms is called modelling. We grab someone else's model and apply it for ourselves. Look around you. Perhaps someone in your family can help. Rather than asking them to do it for you, ask them to talk you through their structure. You need 

a) all the steps
b) the belief that underpins them

Because - you won't succeed in doing this thing with your existing belief that 
- it's complicated
- you can't do it
- you're not techie

As I know now! 

Notice the finger pointing in this image below and the way Cinderella puts her hand to her heart in a 'what me?' pose? 

Here we have what Stephen Karpman calls the 'Persecutor' and 'Victim' roles. The 'victim' is a role we choose to adopt when we feel helpless and hopeless, we have no power at this time and in this situation. The person or situation we hold responsible for feeling like this, is the persecutor. In the case of the Cinderella story, it would be the ugly stepsisters and the stepmother. The finger pointing and the shouting indicate the 'persecutor' role. The persecutor role can also be occupied by a situation or condition such as 'covid', 'having ADHD', 'exams', 'lack of money' and so on. 

The third role in the triangle is the 'rescuer'. Like the 'persecutor' the rescuer has power. The 'rescuer' is the 'fixer'. They choose how to resolve the problem, taking power away from the 'victim' and although initially the 'victim' may be relieved and grateful, they soon realise that they now feel even more useless, having had their problem fixed rather than persevering and finding their own solution. 

Notice in the image below how the 'rescuer' is being comforting and the 'victim' is at a lower level, with her head in the lap of the 'rescuer'. 

The triangle is called a 'two up, one down' triangle, reflecting where the power is held.  

So why am I explaining this triangle to you? 

Have you ever felt like the 'persecutor', getting angry perhaps, shouting, pointing your finger, blaming? 

Of course you have. 

So have your children at one time or another, haven't they? 

But what happened just before they stepped into that role? 

Usually we experience 'victim' just before. 

Think about it. You've done everything for the family, you feel tired and stressed. It feels like no-one appreciates all you're doing. In that moment, we feel like Cinderella don't we? Our 'ball' may be a cup of tea with a friend, a relaxing bath, some time at the gym, an evening out with friends' but we can't go. We may blame 'covid' or 'the situation' but we're feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

In that place, it doesn't take much to trigger us into feeling angry. We move into 'persecutor' and shout, slam a door, or whatever we can do in that moment to be seen and heard because that is our basic human need.

The kids or your partner, move into 'victim' - "what did I do?' (see first image) and you feel guilty for losing your temper and move into 'rescuer' to apologise and may give them a hug (second image).

Another common situation is where your child steps into 'victim' saying they can't do their schoolwork, don't have any friends, miss their friends, feel bored and fed up perhaps. As loving parents, we step into 'rescuer' to fix this, coming up with suggestions, making plans, solving the problem. At some level they are thankful but may then become annoyed at your attempts and stomp off to their room, moving into 'persecutor'. We may bring them a cup of tea saying "I was only trying to help" (rescuer). But they may say 'go away" and you then move into 'victim' feeling sorry for yourself, after all you meant well. 

Your own family situations will vary of course but the essence is that 
- we move around the triangle
- we can occupy any of these roles in any situation
- no-one actually gets their needs met

I hope the diagram below shows this.

My new book, 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents', shows how to do something different. By accessing the relevant chapter; anxiety, anger, change, fear, friendships, learning struggles, sleep and so on, you will find a range of coaching tools to enable you to help your child without fixing. By guiding them through a exercise, explained in full, you give them the power to resolve their problem and feel good about themselves. They can now step away from the 'victim' role and feel confident and resilient, proud of themselves. You become a coach rather than a 'rescuer' and you meet your own needs of helping your child but in a different way that enables them to feel empowered, not have power taken away. 

This book will be a great reference book for parents of school-age children. 

I have attended a number of Author interviews with The London Writers Salon, The Society of Authors and The Guardian Live and they all discuss whether they are 'plotters or 'pantsers'.  I thought you might enjoy doing the quiz I found online. 

The plotter is someone with a plan and sticks to it, working methodically through it ensuring there are no unforeseen problems. They are risk averse and wary of last minute changes to a schedule. Flexibility is not 'their middle name' so to speak! 

​A pantser is one who 'flies by the seat of their pants' . They go with the flow, take changes in their stride and have a more general broad brush idea of what they have in mind. 

Although I write non-fiction, I am a pantser in that my ideas flow thick and fast about my overall intention but the details get fleshed out along the way, often with structure forming much later in the process. 

When I thought about what kind of writer I am, I wondered if the principles also applied to life in general. Are there plotter parents and pantser parents perhaps? 

I am pretty sure I was a pantser parent, feeling my way, day by day and focusing on more general things such as 'is my child happy' but over breakfast this morning my hubbie was talking about an article he read about parents struggling with getting their children to bed and ensuring they had enough sleep. The article said that they were surprised to find that having a routine made all the difference. He commented that this was amazing that they didn't realise this and that we had always had such a routine. So clearly my perception does not quite match reality. We did indeed have a very specific and military bed-time routine even to the extent of lowering our voices, slowing our movement and using a monotonous tone to imply that staying awake with us was the most boring thing they could do. We would choose books to read that offered a gradual slowing down and less and less action based read, with fewer funny voices so they gradually succumbed to sleep as our voices reading the stories became more and more soporific. 

Other aspects of parenting were more pantser-like though as we tended to be quite flexible about activities depending on whether it seemed the children needed to let off steam or whether a more arty crafty activity would fit their mood best. 

So this got me thinking. Maybe we simply need to be aware of the two ways of being and have the discussion with our co-parent, as to which we should be plotters about and which we should be pantsers about because I imagine co-parenting with someone without having had these discussion would lead to a very confused child. 

Also, on the basis that our children tend to pick up our way of being, it might be better for them to have that flexibility to decide which approach best fitted what they needed to do. Because having a 'pantser' approach to homework, revision and so on would probably not be the best approach, a 'plotter' approach to making friends may be a bit restricting. 

I'm now thinking about dating...... well not me personally of course! But any of you who are.... are you plotters or pantsers on the dating scene? Do you make a list of attributes and plot to date someone who fits as many of these as possible or do you fly by the seat of your pants and date more by intuition and hope you'll connect with someone you enjoy being with? 

Sooo what do you think? 

What a range of emotions we are feeling right now. I'm reading posts on social media from across the whole range. I've read posts from those who are overjoyed that things will eventually return to normal and that we can now see our friends and family, hug them, spend time with them and laugh again. I've also read posts from those who just feel broken after this long period of struggle. It feels like at last they can fall apart. 

Tears and falling apart, sobbing, extreme tiredness and also rage are all emotions we've had to keep in check, especially in front of the kids. We try so hard to be strong for them and it's hard to find somewhere to let all that emotion out. We are scared too. What if we can't get it back together afterwards? 

I've worked with a lot of women over the last months who feel they have to protect their family, support everyone, love everyone even when they are being insanely annoying or inconsiderate, unkind and just plain impossible. We have to be above all that as parents and especially as mums because having given birth to them we tend to feel responsible and their pain is our pain. We take responsibility for their feelings, wanting them to be happy and when they are not, we feel we have failed. When they are sad and angry we take the feelings on for them and empathise. But we have no control. We don't control Covid or Lockdown and maybe we don't even agree with the rules but in this case, we can't do anything so we feel helpless. 

In a few days they will be back at school. Promise me you will take the opportunity to allow yourself to fall apart a bit, cry, shout, rant and rave and then......................gently put yourself back together in whatever way you need, do what you need to do for yourself. The 'to do' list can wait. Maybe you just want to do nothing at all. This is the time to allow yourself to 'be' after a long period of 'doing'. The 'be' is your female energy and it is about nurturing yourself (even if you are a man, you have some female energy) just accepting what is and being there for whatever comes. 

You are enough, you are good enough just as you are. 

I hope this short video goes some way to introducing myself to you so you learn what I do, what is important to me and what I bring to my writing, training and coaching. 

I have been very busy over the last year writing two books, I can hardly believe it myself! 

The first came out in November and it is primarily aimed at those of you who work professionally with children who are experiencing problems. 

You'll find chapters on every NLP and EFT technique, how to use Art and mix it up with EFT to do picture tapping. Every exercise and technique is explained in detail and I've included examples to show how I've used the techniques with children and teens. 

If you are a parent this book will also be helpful although if you're not so interested in the NLP and EFT theory and want to simply help your child with fear or anxiety, anger, low self-esteem or coping with change, learning etc then my next book is for you! 

It's called 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents.' The first part covers more general parenting use of NLP and EFT to improve communication with your child or teen. The second part takes every issue, a chapter at a time and talks you through techniques that will help as well as tapping scripts for each. 

I don't have any copies of this yet but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Once I have copies you can buy it from my bookshop. 

If you're looking for workbooks that your children can use to learn basic NLP and EFT techniques to help them with confidence, learning, resilience, anxiety and so on then buy them the Engaging NLP workbooks. You'll find each one gives you an extract so you can decide if they will be able to understand and enjoy the material.  

I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them.

Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.

Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.

We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will, of course, find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do, but others will find it hard some days.

It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.

In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.

However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.

When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok, they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need to tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.

Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast. The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when there might be a sabre tooth tiger around the corner, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.

Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question sends them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened.

Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say, ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.

So now we understand and can help children understand, what can we do to help them?

1. Remind them that they are brave and resourceful. Focusing on when they are anxious and looking at them in that concerned and loving way we do as parents, simply draws attention to a state of mind that they don’t want. We are people of influence so what we do shows them where they also need to out their attention. Instead, mark out times when they are brave, smart, resourceful, creative anything positive.
2. Make a mindfulness jar. Take an empty jam jar and fill it with water. Invite them to choose different colour glitter for each of their thoughts – worrying thoughts, sad thoughts, happy thoughts, cross thoughts and so on. They can add the colour glitter representing each emotion into the water. Close the top and shake. Sit and watch as the glitter whirls around like their busy worried mind and then watch quietly as it settles just like their thoughts will do when they breathe deeply and slowly, noticing the worrying thoughts but letting them settle.
3. Self-compassion break. Invite them to put their hands on their chest and tune in to how they feel (this is a great one for you too!)

“I feel……………..”
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say:
“Children/Mums/Dads/Teachers all over the world are feeling this right now.”
Then take your hands back to your chest and say:
“And what I need now is……………”
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.

1. Five finger breathing. Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Encourage them to write in it every day before they go to bed. Ask them to make a short note of what they are grateful for from that day. Many children are struggling with sleep at the moment and it is worse at night, alone in the dark worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I like to ask them to write three things to encourage them to be curious to find things they’re grateful for and ideally something specific not simply ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ but something they specifically noticed and were grateful for. Again you might like to do this too. Remember they will pick up on how you are… no matter how much you think you’re hiding it!

About the author
Judy Bartkowiak is an International NLP and EFT Trainer for parents, teachers and existing Practitioners/Coaches/Therapists. She shares her passion and skills in working with children and teens through training and has written myriad books on the subject. Judy owns and runs NLP & EFT Kids, which is a family coaching practice in Berkshire, England. Clients are typically children aged four to 18 years, their parents and sometimes the whole family.
Understanding Children & Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers & Coaches By Judy Bartkowiak

Today in my Facebook group I have a guest speaker talking about her My Mood Stars which are used my parents and teachers to encourage emotional literacy in children from the youngest age. We are used to using emoticons in our messages and social media posts and these small squidgy faces are brilliant for children because without having to use words, they can recognise the emotion and show mummy and daddy what they are feeling. Many takes Sleepy star to bed with them or snuggle up with Sad Star. You can play games with them, hiding them or asking children to name the emotion and Wendy has written lovely books to accompany the Mood Stars. 

But how do we get our mood in the first place? 

Here's a diagram showing the NLP Communication model. 

Let's start with the 'external event' this is something you see , hear or feel, touch, taste or smell. 

That experience has to be filtered otherwise we'd be in 'overdrive' all the time trying to figure out how we feel about it. So we 'generalise' by comparing it to other similar events we've experienced, maybe deciding that whatever it is doesn't matter because 'mummy always says that'. We 'delete', pay more attention to certain parts of the event (the parts that matter to us) and we 'distort' which means that we make a belief or a decision based on the event that may or may not be a fair representation such as 'mummy loves my sister more than me' or 'my brother is mean'. 

Other filters are called metaprogrammes and these are ways we prefer to process the information; maybe we like to have choices but we aren't given one so that makes us cross. Maybe we like to know the detail about the homework assignment but we've just been given an essay title so we are confused and don't know what to do. You can read all about these in my book 'Understanding children and teens' see the link below. 

After all this filtering, each child will create their own internal representation of what that even means to them. This will be unique to them based on their filtering and also their previous experiences and memories of similar events. 

From there they express a physiology and that is where the mood stars come in, this will be a facial expression and a body stance. 

This then morphs into a behaviour and this becomes the next external event. And so it goes on. 

The kids have gone back to school and you're so proud of the way they've handled it. So you want to tell them so. Maybe you say "I'm so proud of you" or "You've done so well" but wait! What do they take from this? 

In order for feedback to be effective, it needs to be labelled. By this I mean, imagine your child's mind is like a filing cabinet. There are a number of folders in there. Each one is labelled with one of the values you want your child to espouse; family values. These might be: perseverance, being brave, kindness, honest, sharing, generous, sensible and so on. In order for children to understand what these are and live by these values, they need examples. So when you give feedback to them you need to tell them which folder it belongs in. With folders full of examples, it's easier for them to repeat that behaviour you want to see more of. So you'd say "You were brave today when you ....(give precise example such as, when you walked in and waved me goodbye). "  or "I noticed that even though you looked a bit nervous you persevered." "That was kind of you to show Max where to go.".

We've all heard of the feedback sandwich and this is the way we help children by cushioning the feedback between two positive statements so they receive both the good response from us as parents but gently contained within it is our feedback as to what they could do more of or less of next time. Although this can be delivered as a question, "how do you think you can make this even better next time?". 

Here is a list of tips for delivering feedback.

Feedback to children needs to be

1)Immediate – there’s no point in spending days thinking about it and then expecting them to remember what they did. Children have very short memories and will have forgotten what they did, what they did it and wonder why you’re talking about it days later.

2)Specific – you need to draw their attention to the specific thing they did or said and what exactly they need to do more of or less of because they won’t be able to read your mind. They need to know what you want from them.

3)Sincere – the feedback needs to reflect what you think and what you believe and be something they can see is of value to you. Use ‘I’ to show that it is what you think and don’t bring other people into it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Keep this between you and your child.

4)Short – avoid long sentences and lengthy explanations about why you feel like this it isn’t helpful. Use the KISS principle – keep it simple stupid.

5)What you do want – avoid the word ‘don’t’ tell them instead what you want them to do; either more of something or less of something.

6)Avoiding the word ‘but’ because your positive start will be forgotten once you use the word ‘but’. Replace it with the word ‘and’.

7)Accepting because you are not a mind reader so don’t presume to know what their intentions were. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt and look for their positive intention. For the most part, children want to please you but their map of the world is different to yours with other more pressing priorities such as playing!
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8)Focused on the behaviour rather than being a personal attack on their identity.

I want to share with you a number of ways you can tackle anxiety for yourself and help your children and teens.
 
1. You are brave
 
Anxious children are not anxious all the time in every situation, although they often believe they are. I’ve even had children arrive for an appointment announcing that they are anxious as if it’s their name! ‘Hello I’m anxious’. When they are like this, they expect to be anxious and it becomes their norm such that they don’t even notice the times when they are not. They delete that evidence and simply talk about all the times they are anxious because those examples fit their persona. I’ve had children who when something happens at school to make them anxious, they consciously think to themselves ‘I must remember to tell Mum when I get home’ even though it might have just been fleeting. But think, they’re dwelling on it all day as they want to remember it to recount when they get home.
 
If you think your child might be doing this, start to pay more attention to when they were brave. Ask them when they get home from school “when were you brave today?” and they will start to look out for examples of this during the day and think about those positive experiences instead ready to tell you when they get home.
 
Imagine how different their day will be and how this new pattern will start to make changes in their neural pathways!
 
2. Create a brave anchor 

Continuing on this theme and remembering that the word you’re focusing on does not have to be ‘brave’ it could be ‘confident’ or ‘calm’ the important thing is that you are focusing on the positive desired state rather than the state you don’t want. It’s called ‘towards thinking’ and we are taking responsibility for the outcome we want and putting it out in our energy field as in The Law of Attraction (which children totally ‘get’).
 
So how do we create an anchor?
 
When your child does the thing they want to do more of, decide on a sign that will mark it out so a thumbs up sign perhaps. Encourage them to use that sign each time they experience that positive state. After a while that becomes associated with it such that when they need to find that positive state, by using the sign they can instantly create it.
 
3. Five finger breathing
 
Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand , finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
Breathing is a very effective way to change state. Your breath affects every part of your body and increases the oxytoxin as you take in more oxygen and breathe out more carbon dioxide.
 
4. Colour breathing
 
What is the colour of your child’s anxiety? That might sound a strange question but actually they will be able to answer it quite easily.
 
Ask they to breathe out that colour from wherever they hold their anxiety in their body, often the chest or stomach area.
 
What colour would they like to breathe in? What does that colour represent to them? It might be a colour for ‘calm’ or for ‘relaxing’, for ‘confident’ or just ‘being ok’. If they don’t know what the colour represents that doesn’t matter. The idea is that they breathe in a colour to ‘lighten and brighten’ the anxiety, whatever colour they choose is right.
 
5. Visualisation 

Sometimes when children get stuck in a rut of anxiety, it becomes difficult to see another way. So ask them to visualise a positive outcome. Ask them to imagine what they’d like instead. I like the phrase “What would you like to have happen?” This gets them out of the rut to consider other options.
 
It often helps to suggest they look up when they are imagining as this connects us to the visual part of our brain. It also takes us out of our feelings which may be negative. When we look down we can become a bit reflective and by looking up it encourages us to have new more positive ideas.
 
6. EFT Tapping 

I teach my clients how to tap when they feel anxious. I also run free children’s tapping groups only via the Time to Tap Facebook group. Do join us! There’s one for children, one for teens and one for mums and dads.
 
7. Gratefulness Diary 

When children go to bed recording three things they are grateful for on that day, they find it easier to get to sleep, are less likely to wake up during the night with worrying thoughts about the day ahead and feel more positive when they wake up in the morning.
 
Some children like to write them down but it isn’t necessary so long as they ask themselves before they settle for the night ‘what are the three things I’m grateful for today?’.
 
8. Mindfulness 

I expect your child has learnt mindfulness at school. There are plenty of great mindfulness youtube videos, apps and downloadable scripts. I like the basic Body Scan as it’s so easy to do and children seem to like it. Get in touch if you’d like me to send you the MP3 or talk you through it.
 
9. Self – Compassion break 

Put your hands on your chest and tune in to how you feel
 
“I feel……………..”
 
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say
 
“Children all over the world are feeling this right now”
 
Then take your hands back to your chest and say
 
“And what I need now is……………”
 
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.
 
10. A mindfulness jar 

Take an empty glass jar and put some water in it. Now take a selection of different colour glitters. Tell your child to imagine that each colour represents a feeling. Ask them to out as much of each feeling into the jar as they have. They are to name the feeling as they put the glitter in the jar.
 
When they have finished. Put on the lid and shake the jar.
 
Explain that this is like their head full of all sorts of thoughts ; angry thoughts, sad thoughts, frustration, envy, jealousy and so on. They get all jumbled up and agitated. But when you sit quietly and watch, they all gradually settle on the bottom of the jar and the water becomes clear. When we are calm and still and wait, our bad thoughts settle and we can soon feel clear again.
 
If you have a child who is experiencing anxiety at the moment please get in touch and we can have a chat. I charge £50 for a 45 minute EFT Tapping session or £85 for a one hour therapy session. The Time to tap group tapping sessions I mentioned earlier , are free.
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