Manifesting or Law of Attraction is all about wanting to draw to you what you want more of. 

It seems quite straight forward doesn't it. Ask the universe for what you want. 

Yet so many of us don't. 

Instead we worry about what might happen, expect the worst and experience anxiety as we dwell on what happened last time, fearing that the same thing will happen again. 

I work with a lot of clients who live in fear of what could happen. They are hyper vigilant like a meerkat on the look out constantly for what might be 'out there' ready to 'get them'. 

It could be a client who will not pay or be a 'no show', be difficult or over run. It could be a patient who will complain about their care or even attack them. Maybe the teacher will pick on them at school or someone will be mean to them in the playground. Your child will get a detention because you got in traffic. You won't get a parking space. You'll be late for your meeting. 

The list is endless isn't it? 

When we focus on our fears and our negative expectations, that's what we are visualising and what we focus on is what we get more of. Our brain is trying so hard to create that picture of what we don't want. 

What if instead we focus on what we DO want?

 When you catch yourself thinking about what you don't want, when you start to feel anxious, just STOP and ask yourself.

"Is this thought helpful?"

"Does this thought make me happy?"

"Will this thought have a positive outcome?"

And if the answer to any of these is 'no'. Ask yourself instead,

"What would a better thought be?"

​As you turn these unhelpful thoughts into helpful ones, positive outcomes, you will find that they actually do happen. Yes really! 

A lot of teens feel they are different, don't fit in. They want to fit in of course. They are seeking their 'tribe' but this takes time, perseverance and the confidence to know when they need to step away from those in their group with whom they don't feel comfortable. 

Many find themselves in codependent relationships, agreeing with a friend rather than risk losing them. This leaves them feeling like there's something wrong with them. They may fight the feeling and convince themselves that even though this person is treating them badly, it's what they deserve. 

Teens will voice this as anxiety and each of them experiences their anxiety differently but the pattern is actually often very similar when we look at the underlying belief. Here are the ones I encounter most often. 

"I'm not good enough" 

"I'm not important"

"They don't like me"

"I don't fit in"

"I'm different" 

"I'm wrong"

"It's my fault"

Here's a video I made for TikTok, I hope you're able to access it here. 

I have a channel on TikTok called @tappingforkids perhaps your teen would find it helpful

I know loads of youngsters have exams right now and will find it useful to have a tool to help them manage their anxiety. I recorded this video last year when the lockdown situation was also a worry but whatever the concerns, EFT Tapping will definitely help............and fast! 

I'm presenting a talk on EFT at the annual International NLP Conference tomorrow and have to own up to being pretty anxious myself. It is my first time presenting to my peers and this somehow makes it more scary! I shall definitely be doing some tapping myself. 

You can tap on any feeling you don't want and if you can't actually give it a name then you can just tap on "these feelings" or 'feeling bad" or whatever word they give it. You can even tap on "I don't know what I'm feeling" and you can tap silently if your child would prefer not to share what they're feeling. 

If you teach or assist in a school, consider tapping silently with the class. Here are the tapping points. We start at the top of the head and work down, continuing the process until they feel calm. You can see on the video above how to do it. 

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My books give you a much more detailed description of both the process, variations for different issues and an explanation as to how it works. 

I think the best one for exam stress and anxiety is probably 'Empower your Kids! but if you're a teacher of coach, then 'Understanding children and teens' may be another good choice. 

I recorded a podcast on exam stress as well so this might also be helpful. 

Get in touch if you'd like to book a free 30 minute tapping session for your anxious teen. They don't have to use their camera or mic they only need to see me and mention in the chat the words that are coming up for them so I make sure the tapping addresses what they are feeling. 

When children or teens first come and see me, they feel stuck, like being in a cocoon. It's as if they know there is someone beautiful in there somewhere but whatever they're doing just isn't working for them in one part of their life. 

I can see this and trust that together we will work it out. I trust the process and I trust my skills and their desire to change. 

In our first session , we explore their world using a sand tray. It's a child-like approach designed to show them that there are no right or wrongs with me and that by going back to play and childish things, we can playfully explore their world. 

Using dinosaurs, moshi monsters, sea creatures and shells, they show me their family, school, home, friends and where they fit in. They can't be judged, I don't know any of these people so they are completely free to allow a dinosaur to represent a teacher, parent or sibling. I simply ask them to tell me about their world and each piece they've used to represent people in it. 

I then explain that we can use the time we have together to recreate it in the way they'd like. We can't change their external environment but we can change how they perceive it. Beliefs are not facts. 

They then recreate their world in the sand tray, removing dinosaurs perhaps and replacing them with maybe a dolphin or a moshi monster and they move pieces around, perhaps moving some people closer together. Again I ask them to describe this new world of theirs. We then talk about how they can make the changes needed. I describe some of the ways we might do that together. Then I talk to the parent about how many sessions to allow, usually 4 or 6, although sometimes we may come back together for a few more once the changes they've made in their lives have been implemented. I also factor in some sessions with mum and dad and sometimes a family session. 

Working with children is all about being creative, positive and trusting that solutions are there when we explore and when we believe in possibilities. 

I have a wealth of experience and knowledge of a great many techniques which I happily share with my students. If you think you might be interested in training with me, get in touch. I regularly run free sessions for you to learn more about the work I do. 

If you'd like to read more about it, check out my new books. 

We still have some weeks left of the school holidays and those of you with children going to secondary school in September will be aware that more and more, they are expected to take responsibility for their own property, homework and their behaviour. Each new school year brings new challenges and they need to step up a little bit more each term. 

Maybe you have children making decisions about subject choices, University or College, jobs or apprenticeships. 

As parents we want to help them, advise and organise so that we give them all the support they need. But, just check that you aren't taking over and doing too much for them such that they feel you don't trust them to organise their own life. 

When we do that, what we're saying is that we don't trust them to do it 'properly' or that they might make the 'wrong' decision, one that they might regret. It is important to give them the trust that they know best and can make important decisions for themselves. 

'The map is not the territory,' this is one of the NLP Presuppositions which means that our teen and indeed our child is really the only person who knows their own environment and experiences it first-hand. They are therefore in a good position to judge the best course of action so at least ask them what they think they should do rather than deciding for yourself. 

In my experience as a coach, children often don't tell parents when things are difficult because they don't want them to take action and draw attention to them. They want to try and sort it out for themselves. This is to their credit and builds confidence even if they make a few mistakes along the way, they get some learning as well. 

In the videos below, you will see me first talking about the Drama Triangle so you understand what I'm saying. Then the second one is a tapping script for those of you who find it difficult to step back from fixing things! 

If you always do what you’ve always done then you will always get what you’ve always got

This is a great place to start, isn’t it? What this addresses is the premise that certainly I as a parent believed which was that if you keep doing something, eventually it will work. This is a trap we can all fall into at one time or another, often without even realising that we are repeating the same pattern. As parents we may be particularly prone to this as we may follow the pattern we used with our first child with child number two and wonder what’s wrong when they don’t automatically respond in the same way. But our children are different and may each need a different approach. Continuing to repeat the same pattern won’t suddenly begin to work. It’s us who need to think of another way for that child which will be more appropriate for them.

As teachers, when children don’t understand one way you might be explaining a concept, you need to find another way, you can’t just repeat the same explanation hoping that the penny will eventually drop.

Many children expect their parents or teachers to change. ‘It’s all their fault!’ is what they’ll say. What this NLP pre-supposition says is that if the result (what you get) is not what you want, then it is YOU who has to change.

For many children this is a new way of thinking, a new way of taking responsibility.

Do something different.
If you do something different you will get a different result.

This is an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one? 

I love this expression and use it frequently,
‘What would you like to have happen?’

Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps. If you have a very young child, ask them to draw what they’d like to see happen. Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result a reality. Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.

You may find some resistance. After all, this may be a pattern that’s been going on since early childhood. I find using hypnotic embedded commands quite useful here.

‘I’m wondering what you could do to change this?’
‘I’m curious about what you can do to make this change happen?’
‘I’m wondering when you’ll find another option in this situation.’

Clean Language is useful here as well, especially using the time sequenced phrases. This enables them to understand what happens in order so they can see the structure of the behaviour.

‘…and when you’ve done something different, what happens next?’
‘…and when you do something different before, what happens then?’
‘…and that xxxx… tell me about that.’
‘…and when x does y…. what happens next?’

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An activity I also find useful for this belief of excellence is using Story Cubes. Of course, you can simply get them to tell a story about a sequence of events that keeps recurring that doesn’t give them the result they want. However, I find switching to a right-brain activity such as drawing, storytelling or other creative activity helps shift them into a more imaginative frame of mind where they are more open to other options and changing a behaviour pattern. With the Story Cubes, you can ask them to tell you a story of what normally happens and then repeat the exercise telling the story in other ways to get the result they think would work better for them.

If you’re doing this in a school, it would make a great drama activity as groups of students create different outcomes for common playground misunderstandings. You could also set it up as an art activity creating different scenarios or ask students to take videos to show this.

I like the idea of writing a letter from the future to their younger self.
‘Imagine you have achieved this thing and you are writing a letter or text telling your younger self, your x (their current age) year old self, how great it is to be doing it.’

The idea of future pacing is to get the brain imagining and creating that outcome in the future where it has already happened. It’s like mapping your neural pathways ahead of doing the thing you want to do, so they know where they have to go. 

If you'd like to know more about how to use NLP to help your kids, here are a few things you can do that are completely FREE.

- Like my Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/NLPEFTKids
- Join my mailing list for lots of tips https://judybart.substack.com/
​- Listen to my podcast 'Understanding children and teens' Judy Bartkowiak

I would also recommend my latest books (well I would wouldn't I?!)  'Understanding children and teens' and 'Empower your kids!' . You can get a signed copy from me of course or buy from any of the usual places. 

Clearing childhood trauma

​I find EFT Tapping so good for clearing those subconscious blocks that talking therapies don't reach. We can go round and round in circles, trying to figure out why we can't seem to move on. By tapping on specific points on our body and tuning in to where that resistance is and where it has come from (often way back in our childhood) we can clear it and feel free and in flow. 

​The problems we encounter in our life, occur because we hold beliefs about ourselves, about others and about 'life' in general, that are preventing us from achieving what we want. Those beliefs were formed before we were six years old and you're right, we can't even remember what happened. This is because it was what we call a UDIN. It was: 
unexpected
dramatic
isolating
and we had no strategy to cope with it

As a result we went into 'freeze' locking the memory in our subconscious because we could neither fight or flight in that moment. We made a belief or decision at that time about ourselves. It may be that 'I am unlovable' or 'I am stupid' or 'I'm not important' or something similar. We then spend our lives attracting evidence of this belief because it is trapped and we can't access it consciously. 

We may also create attachment strategies such as being 'avoidant attached' - keeping ourselves safe emotionally, what we might call 'emotionally unavailable' because we learnt in our early years that we couldn't trust ourselves to love. We might adopt an 'anxious attachment' style where we were needy and constantly needing reassurance that we were loved. This of course pushes the avoidant attached partner away yet we find lots of partnerships with this push me pull you relationship which makes both partners unhappy. The ideal is a secure attachment and I can help you achieve this. 

If we didn't get unconditional love as a child, we seek the love of others and can't self-soothe. We put ourselves down, constantly apologise and never achieve all that is possible because we have low self-esteem. I can help with this too. I have had lots of clients who marry, thinking they will get the love they didn't have as a child but soon find that in the hurly burly of parenthood and married life, that their needs are not being met and they even lose sight of what their own needs are. 

I have a huge range of skills, expertise, activities and insight to help you with whatever you are struggling with so get in touch for a free consultation to meet me and decide if you'd like to work with me. If you do, then we have an initial 90 minute consultation, at the end of which we form a plan of what we want to focus on, where we want to get to and set up the appointments. You can choose a package of 4 for £300 or 6 for £400. 

Book your FREE 30 minute consultation here to have a chat and decide whether you'd like to work with me. 

Sharing my podcast on sleep issues. 
If you'd prefer to read about it, read on........

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​Who has the sleep problem? It is important to first decide whose problem it is because I have sometimes been told that a child has a sleep problem only to find that the child is reluctant to resolve it because the benefits are more attractive than the problem.
 
Now I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation and sometimes things can start one way, with the child simply enjoying that extra time with Mummy or Daddy or it can start another way with a genuine nightmare or being scared of the dark or being alone, but when things have continued to become a pattern we need to examine quite closely whose problem it is. It is then up to that person to do the work.
 
I’m going to cover working with a parent and working with a child here so you have both.
 
First, though, I want you to think back to the first time the behaviour happened. What was going on at that time?
 
Children will be sensitive to situations in the family or in your relationship, that you may think you’re covering up really well. Death of a grandparent, for example, can affect a child more than you’d expect. Their world is very small and their parents and grandparents are people of influence so they will have a huge impact. If, when a grandparent dies, they feel they can’t express their grief because they can see you are upset, they will find other ways to get the extra attention they need. If this behaviour and the associated attention gives them that comfort, the habit may continue       because it’s now become a pattern that feels reassuring.
 
So, think about when it started. What happened just before? You may need to spend time discussing that with them and allowing them time now to express that grief or loss.
 
What happens is that a situation, issue or event can get associated with a behaviour such that until the issue is resolved, the behaviour will continue.
 
Children get stuck in patterns of behaviour that become reassuring because they are familiar and they can’t imagine another option. We can use visualisation to help with this. First, it’s helpful to know if your child is visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. A visual child notices what they see, they have great imagination, tend to be very creative and will be the first to notice if you change your appearance in any way. An auditory child will be more verbal, chatty, will probably love music and notice sounds and what’s said rather than what they see. A kinaesthetic child is active, fidgety and wants to be on the move.
 
Their language patterns will be different. Even if you find your child may have aspects of all three – visual, auditory and kinaesthetic – they will have a preference. Visual children tend to use words like look, see, imagine, watch, notice. Auditory preferences will be; sound, noise, hear, listen. Kinaesthetic preference will be any action or ‘doing’ word. Kinaesthetic children tend to be more physical too, wanting touch and cuddles. Comfort is very important so being too hot or cold in bed will affect them.
 
The reason I’m telling you about this is that it will help you know what to say to reassure them and to know what their focus is likely to be. An auditory child will notice every little creak and noise in the house. A visual child is likely to be more aware of the dark or indeed, light coming through a blind or curtain in the summer when they are trying to sleep and a kinaesthetic child will notice an uncomfortable bed, being too hot or cold or will want the extra cuddles.
 
When reassuring them, pay attention to their language pattern, for example:
 
Visual child
-       I’d like to see you tucked up in bed with the light off when I look in on you later
-       Have a look at your clock when you wake up, if it’s a number smaller than 7, read your book or draw a picture and I’ll look at it when I see you
 
Auditory child
-       I can hear that you are not in bed yet, I told you it’s time for bed, did you hear me?
-       Can you tell me when you’re ready for me to say goodnight
 
Kinaesthetic child
-       Get into bed, get a move on, you can do it! I’ll come in for a cuddle when you’re in bed
-       How quickly can you get ready for bed, shall I time you?
 
Obviously you know your own child so you can create your own versions with which to experiment.
 
Do your children believe you when you either threaten them or bribe them? Do they take you seriously when you tell them you want them to go to bed?
 
I’ve noticed that parents talk very differently to their children than to colleagues at work and of course they do, it’s natural. However, when your child is not listening or is not doing what you’ve asked, it’s a good idea to test out your work voice! After all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got. The difference is the belief behind the voice. Your work voice is delivered with the belief that you will be heard and what you ask will be done. Is your home voice asking your child to go to bed, delivered with the belief that it won’t be listened to and what you ask will be ignored?
 
Have a go at this yourself.
 
Use the voice recorder on your smartphone and record various versions of an instruction regarding the going to bed routine or the waking up during the night and not going back to sleep routine, whichever you have problems with.
 
Version 1 – How you normally say it (you may want to check with your partner if this is how you say it).
 
Version 2 – How you would say it, if you were asking someone to do something at work.
 
Version 3 – With the belief that you deserve to be heard and that you expect to be obeyed.
 
Listen back to your recordings. What do you notice? Experiment with them and perfect the most effective rendition.
 
Remember, making good eye contact is important and combine it with your child’s preferred language pattern.
 
Do you tell them what you DO want or what you DON’T want?
 
Example
 
I had a client who came to see me, very tired. Her daughter came into their room every night, got into their bed so she ended up sleeping on the floor because her daughter’s bed was too small.
 
She said, “Every night when I put her to bed, I tell her DO NOT COME INTO OUR ROOM, but every night she does.”
 
“What do you want her to do?” I asked.
 
She repeated that she did not want her to come into their room.
 
I then said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. But still she insisted that she did NOT want her daughter to come into their room.
 
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, focusing on what you don’t want and it can be hard to change.
 
I had to make it really clear before she eventually got it. I said, “I know you don’t want her to come into your room, but what DO you want instead?”
 
At last she realised and said, “I suppose I want her to stay in her own room”. I asked if she’d ever asked her to do that and she admitted that she hadn’t.
 
The next day, she sent me an email confirming that her daughter had stayed in her own room for the first time and everyone had woken up feeling refreshed for a change.
 
It is much easier for children to follow what we call a ‘towards’ instruction of what we DO want.
 
If you don’t believe me…
 
…DON’T THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS!
 
What are you thinking about?
 
Exactly.

There's a whole chapter in the book about how you can help your child including activities and EFT tapping scripts. Happy #worldsleepday 

You can buy my book on Amazon of course, bookshops and Book Depository. 

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you are struggling with something so easy? 

I do. 

It could be something like trying to thread a needle, work out how to use a new piece of software or how to express yourself in a difficult email. Maybe you're looking at competitive quotes for utilities or insurance? My hubbie has been doing that recently and I could hear him getting very annoyed at complicated it was. 

My current struggle is with some writing software called Scrivener. No I know that plenty of writers use it, there are lots of helpful You Tube videos and a tutorial on the website but nevertheless I am struggling to work out how to create new documents and where to put the website links for research. My novel is set in Victorian England and I have lots of research resources I want to access easily. 

I look at it, but in no time I want to give up. 

This morning I was out cycling with one of my cycling group, Paul, and we were discussing electric bikes and the idea of my getting one in order to help me up some of the steeper hills. It occurred to me that this was a nice easy (if expensive) option. 

But Paul said "You always seem to get up even the steepest hill" to which I replied "yes eventually". Then I thought about how I do this. 

One of the NLP principles is that we have our model of success somewhere, we just need to find it because 'we already have all the resources we need'. 

So how do I manage to cycle uphill?

The thing to do is to look at the structure and break it into steps.

1. I go down to the lowest gear I have.
2. I focus on the road just in front of my front tyre - if I looked at the top of the hill I would probably give up! I need to take it in baby steps. 
3. I maintain an even rhythm and listen to the sound of the tyres on the road or track, like it was music.
4. I might even make up a little song or rhyme to jolly myself along.
5. I notice how well I'm doing and imagine how great I'll feel when I get to the top and join my cycling pals.
6. I get there and have some water, enjoy the view and thing how amazing I am! 

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​That's not me by the way! I wish! 

So how can I take this model of success and apply it to understanding how Scrivener works? 

Instead of giving up, deciding it's too complicated and feeling I'm hopeless, useless and incompetent, I could apply this model from cycling. 

1. Set myself up into a slow gear.
2. Make a list of what I'm trying to do so it's clear in my mind.
2. Focus on one small task at a time. 
3. Celebrate each new task completed
4. Imagine how great I'll feel when I feel I've got the files in some sort of order
5. Celebrate, a new skill learnt. 

You may need to learn a new skill due to changes as a result of the pandemic. Maybe you're starting your own business, going freelance, becoming self. Perhaps you're supporting a friend or one of your children to learn something new? 

Use this approach. 

Ask them where in their life have they overcome a challenge, learnt a new skill, persevered despite obstacles. What was the structure of their success in that situation? 

Children are always learning new skills, like the boy in the image above, putting on socks for themselves, laces, doing long division, multiplying fractions, spelling three syllable words and so on. Right now they are struggling with changes in their schooling just as you have been struggling with home schooling or managing to share the house with a family with different needs who all feel fed up. 

Once you believe you have the skills and just need to figure out where you have them, you have the answer. 

Sometimes it will help to ask someone else who may have the answer. This in NLP terms is called modelling. We grab someone else's model and apply it for ourselves. Look around you. Perhaps someone in your family can help. Rather than asking them to do it for you, ask them to talk you through their structure. You need 

a) all the steps
b) the belief that underpins them

Because - you won't succeed in doing this thing with your existing belief that 
- it's complicated
- you can't do it
- you're not techie

As I know now! 

Notice the finger pointing in this image below and the way Cinderella puts her hand to her heart in a 'what me?' pose? 

Here we have what Stephen Karpman calls the 'Persecutor' and 'Victim' roles. The 'victim' is a role we choose to adopt when we feel helpless and hopeless, we have no power at this time and in this situation. The person or situation we hold responsible for feeling like this, is the persecutor. In the case of the Cinderella story, it would be the ugly stepsisters and the stepmother. The finger pointing and the shouting indicate the 'persecutor' role. The persecutor role can also be occupied by a situation or condition such as 'covid', 'having ADHD', 'exams', 'lack of money' and so on. 

The third role in the triangle is the 'rescuer'. Like the 'persecutor' the rescuer has power. The 'rescuer' is the 'fixer'. They choose how to resolve the problem, taking power away from the 'victim' and although initially the 'victim' may be relieved and grateful, they soon realise that they now feel even more useless, having had their problem fixed rather than persevering and finding their own solution. 

Notice in the image below how the 'rescuer' is being comforting and the 'victim' is at a lower level, with her head in the lap of the 'rescuer'. 

The triangle is called a 'two up, one down' triangle, reflecting where the power is held.  

So why am I explaining this triangle to you? 

Have you ever felt like the 'persecutor', getting angry perhaps, shouting, pointing your finger, blaming? 

Of course you have. 

So have your children at one time or another, haven't they? 

But what happened just before they stepped into that role? 

Usually we experience 'victim' just before. 

Think about it. You've done everything for the family, you feel tired and stressed. It feels like no-one appreciates all you're doing. In that moment, we feel like Cinderella don't we? Our 'ball' may be a cup of tea with a friend, a relaxing bath, some time at the gym, an evening out with friends' but we can't go. We may blame 'covid' or 'the situation' but we're feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

In that place, it doesn't take much to trigger us into feeling angry. We move into 'persecutor' and shout, slam a door, or whatever we can do in that moment to be seen and heard because that is our basic human need.

The kids or your partner, move into 'victim' - "what did I do?' (see first image) and you feel guilty for losing your temper and move into 'rescuer' to apologise and may give them a hug (second image).

Another common situation is where your child steps into 'victim' saying they can't do their schoolwork, don't have any friends, miss their friends, feel bored and fed up perhaps. As loving parents, we step into 'rescuer' to fix this, coming up with suggestions, making plans, solving the problem. At some level they are thankful but may then become annoyed at your attempts and stomp off to their room, moving into 'persecutor'. We may bring them a cup of tea saying "I was only trying to help" (rescuer). But they may say 'go away" and you then move into 'victim' feeling sorry for yourself, after all you meant well. 

Your own family situations will vary of course but the essence is that 
- we move around the triangle
- we can occupy any of these roles in any situation
- no-one actually gets their needs met

I hope the diagram below shows this.

My new book, 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents', shows how to do something different. By accessing the relevant chapter; anxiety, anger, change, fear, friendships, learning struggles, sleep and so on, you will find a range of coaching tools to enable you to help your child without fixing. By guiding them through a exercise, explained in full, you give them the power to resolve their problem and feel good about themselves. They can now step away from the 'victim' role and feel confident and resilient, proud of themselves. You become a coach rather than a 'rescuer' and you meet your own needs of helping your child but in a different way that enables them to feel empowered, not have power taken away. 

This book will be a great reference book for parents of school-age children.