We still have some weeks left of the school holidays and those of you with children going to secondary school in September will be aware that more and more, they are expected to take responsibility for their own property, homework and their behaviour. Each new school year brings new challenges and they need to step up a little bit more each term. 

Maybe you have children making decisions about subject choices, University or College, jobs or apprenticeships. 

As parents we want to help them, advise and organise so that we give them all the support they need. But, just check that you aren't taking over and doing too much for them such that they feel you don't trust them to organise their own life. 

When we do that, what we're saying is that we don't trust them to do it 'properly' or that they might make the 'wrong' decision, one that they might regret. It is important to give them the trust that they know best and can make important decisions for themselves. 

'The map is not the territory,' this is one of the NLP Presuppositions which means that our teen and indeed our child is really the only person who knows their own environment and experiences it first-hand. They are therefore in a good position to judge the best course of action so at least ask them what they think they should do rather than deciding for yourself. 

In my experience as a coach, children often don't tell parents when things are difficult because they don't want them to take action and draw attention to them. They want to try and sort it out for themselves. This is to their credit and builds confidence even if they make a few mistakes along the way, they get some learning as well. 

In the videos below, you will see me first talking about the Drama Triangle so you understand what I'm saying. Then the second one is a tapping script for those of you who find it difficult to step back from fixing things! 

If you always do what you’ve always done then you will always get what you’ve always got

This is a great place to start, isn’t it? What this addresses is the premise that certainly I as a parent believed which was that if you keep doing something, eventually it will work. This is a trap we can all fall into at one time or another, often without even realising that we are repeating the same pattern. As parents we may be particularly prone to this as we may follow the pattern we used with our first child with child number two and wonder what’s wrong when they don’t automatically respond in the same way. But our children are different and may each need a different approach. Continuing to repeat the same pattern won’t suddenly begin to work. It’s us who need to think of another way for that child which will be more appropriate for them.

As teachers, when children don’t understand one way you might be explaining a concept, you need to find another way, you can’t just repeat the same explanation hoping that the penny will eventually drop.

Many children expect their parents or teachers to change. ‘It’s all their fault!’ is what they’ll say. What this NLP pre-supposition says is that if the result (what you get) is not what you want, then it is YOU who has to change.

For many children this is a new way of thinking, a new way of taking responsibility.

Do something different.
If you do something different you will get a different result.

This is an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one? 

I love this expression and use it frequently,
‘What would you like to have happen?’

Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps. If you have a very young child, ask them to draw what they’d like to see happen. Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result a reality. Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.

You may find some resistance. After all, this may be a pattern that’s been going on since early childhood. I find using hypnotic embedded commands quite useful here.

‘I’m wondering what you could do to change this?’
‘I’m curious about what you can do to make this change happen?’
‘I’m wondering when you’ll find another option in this situation.’

Clean Language is useful here as well, especially using the time sequenced phrases. This enables them to understand what happens in order so they can see the structure of the behaviour.

‘…and when you’ve done something different, what happens next?’
‘…and when you do something different before, what happens then?’
‘…and that xxxx… tell me about that.’
‘…and when x does y…. what happens next?’

​
An activity I also find useful for this belief of excellence is using Story Cubes. Of course, you can simply get them to tell a story about a sequence of events that keeps recurring that doesn’t give them the result they want. However, I find switching to a right-brain activity such as drawing, storytelling or other creative activity helps shift them into a more imaginative frame of mind where they are more open to other options and changing a behaviour pattern. With the Story Cubes, you can ask them to tell you a story of what normally happens and then repeat the exercise telling the story in other ways to get the result they think would work better for them.

If you’re doing this in a school, it would make a great drama activity as groups of students create different outcomes for common playground misunderstandings. You could also set it up as an art activity creating different scenarios or ask students to take videos to show this.

I like the idea of writing a letter from the future to their younger self.
‘Imagine you have achieved this thing and you are writing a letter or text telling your younger self, your x (their current age) year old self, how great it is to be doing it.’

The idea of future pacing is to get the brain imagining and creating that outcome in the future where it has already happened. It’s like mapping your neural pathways ahead of doing the thing you want to do, so they know where they have to go. 

If you'd like to know more about how to use NLP to help your kids, here are a few things you can do that are completely FREE.

- Like my Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/NLPEFTKids
- Join my mailing list for lots of tips https://judybart.substack.com/
​- Listen to my podcast 'Understanding children and teens' Judy Bartkowiak

I would also recommend my latest books (well I would wouldn't I?!)  'Understanding children and teens' and 'Empower your kids!' . You can get a signed copy from me of course or buy from any of the usual places. 

Clearing childhood trauma

​I find EFT Tapping so good for clearing those subconscious blocks that talking therapies don't reach. We can go round and round in circles, trying to figure out why we can't seem to move on. By tapping on specific points on our body and tuning in to where that resistance is and where it has come from (often way back in our childhood) we can clear it and feel free and in flow. 

​The problems we encounter in our life, occur because we hold beliefs about ourselves, about others and about 'life' in general, that are preventing us from achieving what we want. Those beliefs were formed before we were six years old and you're right, we can't even remember what happened. This is because it was what we call a UDIN. It was: 
unexpected
dramatic
isolating
and we had no strategy to cope with it

As a result we went into 'freeze' locking the memory in our subconscious because we could neither fight or flight in that moment. We made a belief or decision at that time about ourselves. It may be that 'I am unlovable' or 'I am stupid' or 'I'm not important' or something similar. We then spend our lives attracting evidence of this belief because it is trapped and we can't access it consciously. 

We may also create attachment strategies such as being 'avoidant attached' - keeping ourselves safe emotionally, what we might call 'emotionally unavailable' because we learnt in our early years that we couldn't trust ourselves to love. We might adopt an 'anxious attachment' style where we were needy and constantly needing reassurance that we were loved. This of course pushes the avoidant attached partner away yet we find lots of partnerships with this push me pull you relationship which makes both partners unhappy. The ideal is a secure attachment and I can help you achieve this. 

If we didn't get unconditional love as a child, we seek the love of others and can't self-soothe. We put ourselves down, constantly apologise and never achieve all that is possible because we have low self-esteem. I can help with this too. I have had lots of clients who marry, thinking they will get the love they didn't have as a child but soon find that in the hurly burly of parenthood and married life, that their needs are not being met and they even lose sight of what their own needs are. 

I have a huge range of skills, expertise, activities and insight to help you with whatever you are struggling with so get in touch for a free consultation to meet me and decide if you'd like to work with me. If you do, then we have an initial 90 minute consultation, at the end of which we form a plan of what we want to focus on, where we want to get to and set up the appointments. You can choose a package of 4 for £300 or 6 for £400. 

Book your FREE 30 minute consultation here to have a chat and decide whether you'd like to work with me. 

Sharing my podcast on sleep issues. 
If you'd prefer to read about it, read on........

​

​Who has the sleep problem? It is important to first decide whose problem it is because I have sometimes been told that a child has a sleep problem only to find that the child is reluctant to resolve it because the benefits are more attractive than the problem.
 
Now I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation and sometimes things can start one way, with the child simply enjoying that extra time with Mummy or Daddy or it can start another way with a genuine nightmare or being scared of the dark or being alone, but when things have continued to become a pattern we need to examine quite closely whose problem it is. It is then up to that person to do the work.
 
I’m going to cover working with a parent and working with a child here so you have both.
 
First, though, I want you to think back to the first time the behaviour happened. What was going on at that time?
 
Children will be sensitive to situations in the family or in your relationship, that you may think you’re covering up really well. Death of a grandparent, for example, can affect a child more than you’d expect. Their world is very small and their parents and grandparents are people of influence so they will have a huge impact. If, when a grandparent dies, they feel they can’t express their grief because they can see you are upset, they will find other ways to get the extra attention they need. If this behaviour and the associated attention gives them that comfort, the habit may continue       because it’s now become a pattern that feels reassuring.
 
So, think about when it started. What happened just before? You may need to spend time discussing that with them and allowing them time now to express that grief or loss.
 
What happens is that a situation, issue or event can get associated with a behaviour such that until the issue is resolved, the behaviour will continue.
 
Children get stuck in patterns of behaviour that become reassuring because they are familiar and they can’t imagine another option. We can use visualisation to help with this. First, it’s helpful to know if your child is visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. A visual child notices what they see, they have great imagination, tend to be very creative and will be the first to notice if you change your appearance in any way. An auditory child will be more verbal, chatty, will probably love music and notice sounds and what’s said rather than what they see. A kinaesthetic child is active, fidgety and wants to be on the move.
 
Their language patterns will be different. Even if you find your child may have aspects of all three – visual, auditory and kinaesthetic – they will have a preference. Visual children tend to use words like look, see, imagine, watch, notice. Auditory preferences will be; sound, noise, hear, listen. Kinaesthetic preference will be any action or ‘doing’ word. Kinaesthetic children tend to be more physical too, wanting touch and cuddles. Comfort is very important so being too hot or cold in bed will affect them.
 
The reason I’m telling you about this is that it will help you know what to say to reassure them and to know what their focus is likely to be. An auditory child will notice every little creak and noise in the house. A visual child is likely to be more aware of the dark or indeed, light coming through a blind or curtain in the summer when they are trying to sleep and a kinaesthetic child will notice an uncomfortable bed, being too hot or cold or will want the extra cuddles.
 
When reassuring them, pay attention to their language pattern, for example:
 
Visual child
-       I’d like to see you tucked up in bed with the light off when I look in on you later
-       Have a look at your clock when you wake up, if it’s a number smaller than 7, read your book or draw a picture and I’ll look at it when I see you
 
Auditory child
-       I can hear that you are not in bed yet, I told you it’s time for bed, did you hear me?
-       Can you tell me when you’re ready for me to say goodnight
 
Kinaesthetic child
-       Get into bed, get a move on, you can do it! I’ll come in for a cuddle when you’re in bed
-       How quickly can you get ready for bed, shall I time you?
 
Obviously you know your own child so you can create your own versions with which to experiment.
 
Do your children believe you when you either threaten them or bribe them? Do they take you seriously when you tell them you want them to go to bed?
 
I’ve noticed that parents talk very differently to their children than to colleagues at work and of course they do, it’s natural. However, when your child is not listening or is not doing what you’ve asked, it’s a good idea to test out your work voice! After all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got. The difference is the belief behind the voice. Your work voice is delivered with the belief that you will be heard and what you ask will be done. Is your home voice asking your child to go to bed, delivered with the belief that it won’t be listened to and what you ask will be ignored?
 
Have a go at this yourself.
 
Use the voice recorder on your smartphone and record various versions of an instruction regarding the going to bed routine or the waking up during the night and not going back to sleep routine, whichever you have problems with.
 
Version 1 – How you normally say it (you may want to check with your partner if this is how you say it).
 
Version 2 – How you would say it, if you were asking someone to do something at work.
 
Version 3 – With the belief that you deserve to be heard and that you expect to be obeyed.
 
Listen back to your recordings. What do you notice? Experiment with them and perfect the most effective rendition.
 
Remember, making good eye contact is important and combine it with your child’s preferred language pattern.
 
Do you tell them what you DO want or what you DON’T want?
 
Example
 
I had a client who came to see me, very tired. Her daughter came into their room every night, got into their bed so she ended up sleeping on the floor because her daughter’s bed was too small.
 
She said, “Every night when I put her to bed, I tell her DO NOT COME INTO OUR ROOM, but every night she does.”
 
“What do you want her to do?” I asked.
 
She repeated that she did not want her to come into their room.
 
I then said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. But still she insisted that she did NOT want her daughter to come into their room.
 
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, focusing on what you don’t want and it can be hard to change.
 
I had to make it really clear before she eventually got it. I said, “I know you don’t want her to come into your room, but what DO you want instead?”
 
At last she realised and said, “I suppose I want her to stay in her own room”. I asked if she’d ever asked her to do that and she admitted that she hadn’t.
 
The next day, she sent me an email confirming that her daughter had stayed in her own room for the first time and everyone had woken up feeling refreshed for a change.
 
It is much easier for children to follow what we call a ‘towards’ instruction of what we DO want.
 
If you don’t believe me…
 
…DON’T THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS!
 
What are you thinking about?
 
Exactly.

There's a whole chapter in the book about how you can help your child including activities and EFT tapping scripts. Happy #worldsleepday 

You can buy my book on Amazon of course, bookshops and Book Depository. 

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you are struggling with something so easy? 

I do. 

It could be something like trying to thread a needle, work out how to use a new piece of software or how to express yourself in a difficult email. Maybe you're looking at competitive quotes for utilities or insurance? My hubbie has been doing that recently and I could hear him getting very annoyed at complicated it was. 

My current struggle is with some writing software called Scrivener. No I know that plenty of writers use it, there are lots of helpful You Tube videos and a tutorial on the website but nevertheless I am struggling to work out how to create new documents and where to put the website links for research. My novel is set in Victorian England and I have lots of research resources I want to access easily. 

I look at it, but in no time I want to give up. 

This morning I was out cycling with one of my cycling group, Paul, and we were discussing electric bikes and the idea of my getting one in order to help me up some of the steeper hills. It occurred to me that this was a nice easy (if expensive) option. 

But Paul said "You always seem to get up even the steepest hill" to which I replied "yes eventually". Then I thought about how I do this. 

One of the NLP principles is that we have our model of success somewhere, we just need to find it because 'we already have all the resources we need'. 

So how do I manage to cycle uphill?

The thing to do is to look at the structure and break it into steps.

1. I go down to the lowest gear I have.
2. I focus on the road just in front of my front tyre - if I looked at the top of the hill I would probably give up! I need to take it in baby steps. 
3. I maintain an even rhythm and listen to the sound of the tyres on the road or track, like it was music.
4. I might even make up a little song or rhyme to jolly myself along.
5. I notice how well I'm doing and imagine how great I'll feel when I get to the top and join my cycling pals.
6. I get there and have some water, enjoy the view and thing how amazing I am! 

​
​That's not me by the way! I wish! 

So how can I take this model of success and apply it to understanding how Scrivener works? 

Instead of giving up, deciding it's too complicated and feeling I'm hopeless, useless and incompetent, I could apply this model from cycling. 

1. Set myself up into a slow gear.
2. Make a list of what I'm trying to do so it's clear in my mind.
2. Focus on one small task at a time. 
3. Celebrate each new task completed
4. Imagine how great I'll feel when I feel I've got the files in some sort of order
5. Celebrate, a new skill learnt. 

You may need to learn a new skill due to changes as a result of the pandemic. Maybe you're starting your own business, going freelance, becoming self. Perhaps you're supporting a friend or one of your children to learn something new? 

Use this approach. 

Ask them where in their life have they overcome a challenge, learnt a new skill, persevered despite obstacles. What was the structure of their success in that situation? 

Children are always learning new skills, like the boy in the image above, putting on socks for themselves, laces, doing long division, multiplying fractions, spelling three syllable words and so on. Right now they are struggling with changes in their schooling just as you have been struggling with home schooling or managing to share the house with a family with different needs who all feel fed up. 

Once you believe you have the skills and just need to figure out where you have them, you have the answer. 

Sometimes it will help to ask someone else who may have the answer. This in NLP terms is called modelling. We grab someone else's model and apply it for ourselves. Look around you. Perhaps someone in your family can help. Rather than asking them to do it for you, ask them to talk you through their structure. You need 

a) all the steps
b) the belief that underpins them

Because - you won't succeed in doing this thing with your existing belief that 
- it's complicated
- you can't do it
- you're not techie

As I know now! 

Notice the finger pointing in this image below and the way Cinderella puts her hand to her heart in a 'what me?' pose? 

Here we have what Stephen Karpman calls the 'Persecutor' and 'Victim' roles. The 'victim' is a role we choose to adopt when we feel helpless and hopeless, we have no power at this time and in this situation. The person or situation we hold responsible for feeling like this, is the persecutor. In the case of the Cinderella story, it would be the ugly stepsisters and the stepmother. The finger pointing and the shouting indicate the 'persecutor' role. The persecutor role can also be occupied by a situation or condition such as 'covid', 'having ADHD', 'exams', 'lack of money' and so on. 

The third role in the triangle is the 'rescuer'. Like the 'persecutor' the rescuer has power. The 'rescuer' is the 'fixer'. They choose how to resolve the problem, taking power away from the 'victim' and although initially the 'victim' may be relieved and grateful, they soon realise that they now feel even more useless, having had their problem fixed rather than persevering and finding their own solution. 

Notice in the image below how the 'rescuer' is being comforting and the 'victim' is at a lower level, with her head in the lap of the 'rescuer'. 

The triangle is called a 'two up, one down' triangle, reflecting where the power is held.  

So why am I explaining this triangle to you? 

Have you ever felt like the 'persecutor', getting angry perhaps, shouting, pointing your finger, blaming? 

Of course you have. 

So have your children at one time or another, haven't they? 

But what happened just before they stepped into that role? 

Usually we experience 'victim' just before. 

Think about it. You've done everything for the family, you feel tired and stressed. It feels like no-one appreciates all you're doing. In that moment, we feel like Cinderella don't we? Our 'ball' may be a cup of tea with a friend, a relaxing bath, some time at the gym, an evening out with friends' but we can't go. We may blame 'covid' or 'the situation' but we're feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

In that place, it doesn't take much to trigger us into feeling angry. We move into 'persecutor' and shout, slam a door, or whatever we can do in that moment to be seen and heard because that is our basic human need.

The kids or your partner, move into 'victim' - "what did I do?' (see first image) and you feel guilty for losing your temper and move into 'rescuer' to apologise and may give them a hug (second image).

Another common situation is where your child steps into 'victim' saying they can't do their schoolwork, don't have any friends, miss their friends, feel bored and fed up perhaps. As loving parents, we step into 'rescuer' to fix this, coming up with suggestions, making plans, solving the problem. At some level they are thankful but may then become annoyed at your attempts and stomp off to their room, moving into 'persecutor'. We may bring them a cup of tea saying "I was only trying to help" (rescuer). But they may say 'go away" and you then move into 'victim' feeling sorry for yourself, after all you meant well. 

Your own family situations will vary of course but the essence is that 
- we move around the triangle
- we can occupy any of these roles in any situation
- no-one actually gets their needs met

I hope the diagram below shows this.

My new book, 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents', shows how to do something different. By accessing the relevant chapter; anxiety, anger, change, fear, friendships, learning struggles, sleep and so on, you will find a range of coaching tools to enable you to help your child without fixing. By guiding them through a exercise, explained in full, you give them the power to resolve their problem and feel good about themselves. They can now step away from the 'victim' role and feel confident and resilient, proud of themselves. You become a coach rather than a 'rescuer' and you meet your own needs of helping your child but in a different way that enables them to feel empowered, not have power taken away. 

This book will be a great reference book for parents of school-age children. 

I have attended a number of Author interviews with The London Writers Salon, The Society of Authors and The Guardian Live and they all discuss whether they are 'plotters or 'pantsers'.  I thought you might enjoy doing the quiz I found online. 

The plotter is someone with a plan and sticks to it, working methodically through it ensuring there are no unforeseen problems. They are risk averse and wary of last minute changes to a schedule. Flexibility is not 'their middle name' so to speak! 

​A pantser is one who 'flies by the seat of their pants' . They go with the flow, take changes in their stride and have a more general broad brush idea of what they have in mind. 

Although I write non-fiction, I am a pantser in that my ideas flow thick and fast about my overall intention but the details get fleshed out along the way, often with structure forming much later in the process. 

When I thought about what kind of writer I am, I wondered if the principles also applied to life in general. Are there plotter parents and pantser parents perhaps? 

I am pretty sure I was a pantser parent, feeling my way, day by day and focusing on more general things such as 'is my child happy' but over breakfast this morning my hubbie was talking about an article he read about parents struggling with getting their children to bed and ensuring they had enough sleep. The article said that they were surprised to find that having a routine made all the difference. He commented that this was amazing that they didn't realise this and that we had always had such a routine. So clearly my perception does not quite match reality. We did indeed have a very specific and military bed-time routine even to the extent of lowering our voices, slowing our movement and using a monotonous tone to imply that staying awake with us was the most boring thing they could do. We would choose books to read that offered a gradual slowing down and less and less action based read, with fewer funny voices so they gradually succumbed to sleep as our voices reading the stories became more and more soporific. 

Other aspects of parenting were more pantser-like though as we tended to be quite flexible about activities depending on whether it seemed the children needed to let off steam or whether a more arty crafty activity would fit their mood best. 

So this got me thinking. Maybe we simply need to be aware of the two ways of being and have the discussion with our co-parent, as to which we should be plotters about and which we should be pantsers about because I imagine co-parenting with someone without having had these discussion would lead to a very confused child. 

Also, on the basis that our children tend to pick up our way of being, it might be better for them to have that flexibility to decide which approach best fitted what they needed to do. Because having a 'pantser' approach to homework, revision and so on would probably not be the best approach, a 'plotter' approach to making friends may be a bit restricting. 

I'm now thinking about dating...... well not me personally of course! But any of you who are.... are you plotters or pantsers on the dating scene? Do you make a list of attributes and plot to date someone who fits as many of these as possible or do you fly by the seat of your pants and date more by intuition and hope you'll connect with someone you enjoy being with? 

Sooo what do you think? 

What a range of emotions we are feeling right now. I'm reading posts on social media from across the whole range. I've read posts from those who are overjoyed that things will eventually return to normal and that we can now see our friends and family, hug them, spend time with them and laugh again. I've also read posts from those who just feel broken after this long period of struggle. It feels like at last they can fall apart. 

Tears and falling apart, sobbing, extreme tiredness and also rage are all emotions we've had to keep in check, especially in front of the kids. We try so hard to be strong for them and it's hard to find somewhere to let all that emotion out. We are scared too. What if we can't get it back together afterwards? 

I've worked with a lot of women over the last months who feel they have to protect their family, support everyone, love everyone even when they are being insanely annoying or inconsiderate, unkind and just plain impossible. We have to be above all that as parents and especially as mums because having given birth to them we tend to feel responsible and their pain is our pain. We take responsibility for their feelings, wanting them to be happy and when they are not, we feel we have failed. When they are sad and angry we take the feelings on for them and empathise. But we have no control. We don't control Covid or Lockdown and maybe we don't even agree with the rules but in this case, we can't do anything so we feel helpless. 

In a few days they will be back at school. Promise me you will take the opportunity to allow yourself to fall apart a bit, cry, shout, rant and rave and then......................gently put yourself back together in whatever way you need, do what you need to do for yourself. The 'to do' list can wait. Maybe you just want to do nothing at all. This is the time to allow yourself to 'be' after a long period of 'doing'. The 'be' is your female energy and it is about nurturing yourself (even if you are a man, you have some female energy) just accepting what is and being there for whatever comes. 

You are enough, you are good enough just as you are. 

I hope this short video goes some way to introducing myself to you so you learn what I do, what is important to me and what I bring to my writing, training and coaching. 

I have been very busy over the last year writing two books, I can hardly believe it myself! 

The first came out in November and it is primarily aimed at those of you who work professionally with children who are experiencing problems. 

You'll find chapters on every NLP and EFT technique, how to use Art and mix it up with EFT to do picture tapping. Every exercise and technique is explained in detail and I've included examples to show how I've used the techniques with children and teens. 

If you are a parent this book will also be helpful although if you're not so interested in the NLP and EFT theory and want to simply help your child with fear or anxiety, anger, low self-esteem or coping with change, learning etc then my next book is for you! 

It's called 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents.' The first part covers more general parenting use of NLP and EFT to improve communication with your child or teen. The second part takes every issue, a chapter at a time and talks you through techniques that will help as well as tapping scripts for each. 

I don't have any copies of this yet but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Once I have copies you can buy it from my bookshop. 

If you're looking for workbooks that your children can use to learn basic NLP and EFT techniques to help them with confidence, learning, resilience, anxiety and so on then buy them the Engaging NLP workbooks. You'll find each one gives you an extract so you can decide if they will be able to understand and enjoy the material.  

I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them.

Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.

Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.

We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will, of course, find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do, but others will find it hard some days.

It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.

In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.

However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.

When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok, they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need to tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.

Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast. The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when there might be a sabre tooth tiger around the corner, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.

Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question sends them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened.

Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say, ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.

So now we understand and can help children understand, what can we do to help them?

1. Remind them that they are brave and resourceful. Focusing on when they are anxious and looking at them in that concerned and loving way we do as parents, simply draws attention to a state of mind that they don’t want. We are people of influence so what we do shows them where they also need to out their attention. Instead, mark out times when they are brave, smart, resourceful, creative anything positive.
2. Make a mindfulness jar. Take an empty jam jar and fill it with water. Invite them to choose different colour glitter for each of their thoughts – worrying thoughts, sad thoughts, happy thoughts, cross thoughts and so on. They can add the colour glitter representing each emotion into the water. Close the top and shake. Sit and watch as the glitter whirls around like their busy worried mind and then watch quietly as it settles just like their thoughts will do when they breathe deeply and slowly, noticing the worrying thoughts but letting them settle.
3. Self-compassion break. Invite them to put their hands on their chest and tune in to how they feel (this is a great one for you too!)

“I feel……………..”
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say:
“Children/Mums/Dads/Teachers all over the world are feeling this right now.”
Then take your hands back to your chest and say:
“And what I need now is……………”
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.

1. Five finger breathing. Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Encourage them to write in it every day before they go to bed. Ask them to make a short note of what they are grateful for from that day. Many children are struggling with sleep at the moment and it is worse at night, alone in the dark worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I like to ask them to write three things to encourage them to be curious to find things they’re grateful for and ideally something specific not simply ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ but something they specifically noticed and were grateful for. Again you might like to do this too. Remember they will pick up on how you are… no matter how much you think you’re hiding it!

About the author
Judy Bartkowiak is an International NLP and EFT Trainer for parents, teachers and existing Practitioners/Coaches/Therapists. She shares her passion and skills in working with children and teens through training and has written myriad books on the subject. Judy owns and runs NLP & EFT Kids, which is a family coaching practice in Berkshire, England. Clients are typically children aged four to 18 years, their parents and sometimes the whole family.
Understanding Children & Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers & Coaches By Judy Bartkowiak