We have mentioned the importance of controlling your state and your communication but what if your sense of failure is a belief you hold from your past? Has someone in your childhood said or done something that has left you with the feeling of having failed or being likely to fail. This is what NLP calls a ‘limiting belief’ and you can choose whether to hold this belief or not. If the feelings of being a failure are holding you back from what you want to achieve or from being a happy parent then you may want to revisit it. 

I had a limiting belief about arguing and around conflict. My parents didn’t argue but bottled things up and then the explosions were frightening. My mum would go off for a long walk and dad would maintain a stony silence for days. I learnt to fear arguments and raised voices and learnt that it was dangerous to disagree. I internalised my anger and instead of expressing my views when they were different, I did what I saw mum do, go off somewhere and cry. When I got married my husband was a great cook and suggested making chips. I didn’t know how to make chips and made a mistake, Edward made a rude and insensitive remark and instead of retaliating that this was rather out of proportion with the incident, I drove off in the car and cried. My belief that I could not risk an argument was holding me back. Then I wondered why I was making such a fuss. I realised I was over reacting. So I went back and we kissed and made up and Edward assured me that it was OK to argue, he wouldn’t leave me, and he hasn’t! 

Some limiting beliefs that lead to feelings of failure belong in our past and need to be revisited as adults to check whether they are outdated. After all, we have changed since childhood, learnt more about ourselves, grown up and developed new skills that make those limiting beliefs no longer true for us (assuming they were then, which might well not be so because sometimes parents pass their own limiting beliefs on to their children). 

Sara believed that she was not clever enough for further education because her mother had left school at 15 and none of her siblings had stayed on at school. When at 40 she started to question why she had no qualifications and considered doing some through evening classes, her mother’s words were in her mind and indeed her mother questioned the sense in doing any learning at her age. It took a huge amount of faith in herself and her abilities to overcome this limiting belief but she’s signed up and can’t wait to start. The words ‘can’t’ have been replaced now by ‘but what if I can?’ and she’s moved on. 

When we feel those first self doubts creeping in, those destructive and limiting beliefs that we are not capable of doing something or a feeling that we have failed at something, we have the resources to reject them. Remind yourself of your skills. Remind yourself to use the feedback and your response to the situation as a resource to move forward and draw on the skills you have, perhaps in another area of your life to apply to this area where you need it.
 
From time to time we feel we have failed as a parent or a partner or lover, daughter or friend. This is natural after all we are not perfect. How do you think you have failed? What can you do to succeed; it is in your power. You can turn the situation around by asking yourself
 
“What would success in that context look/sound/feel like?”
 
“What skills do I need to achieve this desired outcome?”
 
“Where do I use that skill?”
 
“How can I bring it across into the area of my life where I need it now?”
 
Do a quick audit of your skills. This is a great help when you feel you’ve failed at something. What are you good at?
 
Write your list down and keep it handy. 

Now add in what others say about you because they see you in a different light. Perhaps you are self critical and don’t always see your assets or they are so familiar to you that you take them for granted.
 
My friends and family say I am good at………………
 
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
 
Now revisit those areas where you feel you’ve failed and look back at these two lists. Which of these skills can you take and work with.
Write down the skill here
 
I am good at…………………………………….
 
What does this say about you that you are good at this thing? What can you do differently by using this skill in the area you want to change? 

I can……………………………………………………
 
Try it and ask for feedback.
 
This exercise is very useful with children too of course.
 
Paul finds reading very hard and he gives up easily when he gets to a difficult or unfamiliar word. “I can’t do it” he groans and closes the book. Paul is very good at sport and plays quite aggressively, he tackles and perseveres until he gets the ball off the opposition.
 
“What makes you good at football Paul?”
“Because I like it”
“Don’t you like reading?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t do it”
“So why can you do football and not reading?”
“Because I am fast and because I am not scared of trying to get the ball”
“Are you scared of reading?”
“Yes because I keep getting it wrong”
“If that difficult word was a ball you would keep trying until you got it wouldn’t you?”
“Yes”
“Shall we pretend that each difficult word is a ball and that because you are fast and not scared you can work it out?”
 
Children are very good at imagining things and they use metaphors very naturally so it wasn’t hard for Paul to pretend each word he didn’t recognise was a ball and in fact applying his fast and ‘not scared’ skills from football he approached his reading quite differently, speeded up and was soon reading confidently on his own.
 
When you feel you can't do something, it’s good to use an anchoring skill to put yourself in a resourceful state so you can assess your transferable skills.  Here's a link to my blog post on how to anchor 

This was an extract from 'Be a happier parent with NLP' published by Hodder and written by Judy Bartkowiak NLP Author, Trainer and NLP and EFT Practitioner. 

Judy offers one on one coaching face to face and via Skype/Whatsapp with children, teens and parents. She also offers four-session programmes for confidence and resilience, anxiety busting and anger management. 

She offers NLP Kids Practitioner Training again via webcam on Skype/Whatsapp and face to face residential. Parenting Chats by the Aga for local mums in #berkshire #buckinghamshire #surrey #london #oxfordshire see Eventbrite 

As a children’s therapist, I see a lot of children who are afraid to fail. It’s a real problem and you are in the best position to help your own child. Here’s what happens. 

This curve represents fear, fear of failure, not passing the 11+, fear of looking stupid, people laughing, parents being disappointed, not getting to the school they want to go to, or the university, fear of coming third in the race, not making the school team, not being in the popular crowd, not attracting the boy/girl …….…..the list seems endless. Children have such high expectations of themselves and are very quick to be self-critical and slow to recognise their gifts and skills, shrugging them off as unimportant. No matter how much praise we give them, ultimately they need to believe in themselves.

Whatever the situation your child is going through at the moment, there is a process. It starts with Position 1 when there is some fear of failure. If they opt out at that point or if you ‘rescue’ them by allowing them to opt out, they can safely return to the Low Fear place. They have escaped having to do that thing they fear but they don’t feel good about it. They know that they haven’t made the most of an opportunity, they’ve perhaps allowed others less good than them to take the opportunity and ultimately they have made it more difficult to take a challenge next time. They actually lower their ability to perform.
If however, you encourage them to push themselves they have the chance to move round to Position 2. Here they get a sense of having pushed themselves out of their comfort zone and are beginning to feel a bit brave. They are doing better than others who have dropped back down and if they’ve managed to get to this position on their own, then they are feeling quite empowered. You can notice this and comment on what skills they’ve used to make this initial push. It’s a bit uncomfortable at Position 2 and they will be feeling nervous. If this is the first time they’ve ventured out of their comfort zone it will seem a bit of a scary unfamiliar place.

Now they’re on their way to Position 3 where things feel more uncomfortable. They may experience butterflies or knots in the tummy, they may feel hot and cold alternately and they may be tempted to quit. Encourage them by reminding them how well they’re doing and how proud you are of them and importantly how proud they should be of how far they’ve come. Remind them of where they want to be, what they’re aiming for. I help children with the symptoms for fear by using metaphors.

This fear, it’s like what?
If it was an animal what animal would it be?
Can you pet this animal and calm it down?
Can you quieten it, stroke it, tell it you’re OK?
And breathe…..breathing is a great way of getting yourself in a calm place.
 
Use mindfulness by stopping and notice how your body feels:

What is my experience right now?
Breathe and notice your breathing by counting it out and in
Reconnect with the present

As they move into Position 4 they will be experiencing the worst of the fear and it’s really important that they hang on in there because if they give up at this stage they will feel really bad about themselves because they were so close to achieving what they want. If they are visual remind them how they will feel when they see the results of their efforts. If they are more auditory, remind them of how they’ll feel when they hear how well they’ve done. If they are kinaesthetic, remind them how they will feel.

As they do that they are now on their way to Position 5 and are experiencing a feeling of relief that the worst is over. They’ve done it and survived! It was terrible but they did it. It doesn’t matter what the result might be because they’ve challenged themselves and overcome the hurdles themselves. They’ve learnt something about themselves and they have recognised that they have skills they didn’t realise they had. They are now in a great position for whatever challenge comes up next.

Each of these stages is a decision point when you need to be there to support them with reminders about what specific skills it is that they need at that point. This might be about putting themselves forward for selection, it might be about approaching someone to make friends, trying a new club, deciding to say ‘no’ to someone. Invite your child to identify what the steps are in their particular fear journey. Ask them what (if anything) they need from you at each stage. What skill would be useful at that point, do they have it? The certainly do so perhaps you need to remind them where you’ve observed them using that skill.

Rescue them at any of these points and they drop back down to the position below and eventually to the LOW FEAR position from where it will be even harder to do anything challenging. By rescuing I don’t mean helping. Helping your child to find their own bravery and resourcefulness by giving them information and supporting them with your time and money these are not examples of rescuing. Rescuing is taking away the pain or the fear by allowing them to opt out of it completely. Examples I’ve heard of are changing schools because the child isn’t making friends, going into school to explain things to teachers that your child could have said, doing your child’s homework for them, writing your child’s personal statement for Uni, paying off your child’s mobile phone bill, tidying up your grown- up child’s bedroom and doing their washing etc. Basically rescuing is doing things for your child that, had they done them themselves, would have enabled them to feel good about themselves. In the context of fear of failure, rescuing is saving your child from the chance of failure. I hope I’ve shown that by doing this you are also saving your child from the success of overcoming it and experiencing self-esteem as a result.
​
Judy Bartkowiak is the author of the Engaging NLP series of Workbooks, other NLP books including ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ and ‘Self-Esteem Workbook’. She offers workshops and individual consultation in Marlow or Burnham and via Skype. If you have a child taking the 11+ exam you might be interested in ‘Passing the 11+ with NLP’. If you email me I can send you a free PDF of the book judy@nlpkids.com

​Get in touch using the contact form to book a Skype consultation for you or your child or young person. 

Exams are stressful, for adults and for children. The pressure to succeed, to get good results can put even the hardiest of grownups in a spin. Below are my NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) tips and techniques to help your child through the exam period avoiding the pitfalls of stress, doubt and anxiety.
 
Anchor a good learning state
Children (and grown-ups) can tend to get themselves in a state and having the ability to change that state is a very useful tool! Teach them how to Anchor a good state.
Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a moment they were really pleased with life or proud of themselves and ask them to squeeze their earlobe and capture the moment. Tell them that every time they are feeling on top of the world, then when they are feeling stressed or sad they can repeat that physical action and it will remind them what it’s like to feel good about themselves again. Details here.
 
Feel Confident
One reason why children don’t always feel confident is that they compare themselves with other children, usually ones who are better at something then them. Encourage them to compare themselves with how they were last month, or last term, so they can see how much they have improved in something. 

Remind yourself of your skills
Children very easily notice someone who can do something they can’t do, getting top marks or doing a handstand. They don’t so easily notice what they themselves do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.
Ask your child what person they want to be like, and then ask in what ways are they already like them? “If you can spot it, you’ve got it” is an NLP saying. It means we can easily recognize qualities in others that we have in ourselves. Point this out to your child where and when you have observed this quality in them.

Talk ‘Positive’
Switch their negative talk to positive. Children are inclined to use generalisations and distortions such as ‘everyone is better than me’. Ask them ‘Who exactly?’ and ‘How are they better?’ to encourage them to see the situation more realistically. Another way to switch to more positive orientation is to notice whether they talk about what they want or what they don’t want. Working ‘towards’ rather than ‘away from’ things tends to result in a more confident result.
 
 How does your child learn? Revamping revision strategy
Working out how best your child learns can really help them build confidence and get results.

Visual learners tend to speak fast, remember what they saw not heard, notice their surroundings, are good at thinking ahead, good readers, tend to doodle, like reading themselves (rather than being read to) answer questions briefly, would rather be shown than told, sometimes stumble over finding the right words, are not really bothered by noise.
Revision Tips: Visual children should use sticky notes, mind maps, lists, read and make notes. This will help them visualise the exam.

Auditory learners can be easily distracted by noise, like to read out loud, speak well, find writing difficult, learn by talking, love discussion, talk to themselves, more musical than arty, tend to speak in rhythmic patterns, are good mimics, can spell better out loud than by writing it down.
Revision tips: Auditory children should get a revision buddy to rest them verbally. This will help recall what they said as the answered the questions.

Kinaesthetic learners respond well to physical rewards, stand close when speaking to someone, learn by doing, want to act things out, move hands when speaking, speak slowly, like games, have messy handwriting, use action words, are physical and fidgety.
Revision tips: Kinaesthetic children should use computer programs for bite size revision. Interacting and testing themselves – the act of physically doing something- will help reinforce the facts they need.

Chunk down, to avoid overwhelm
Children, just like adults, have a preference for information presented either in details (small chunks) or in general (big chunks). If you present it in the ‘wrong’ way it can be difficult for them to process. Be aware of your own preference (too much detail! Not enough details) and see how your child responds. Perhaps they chunk differently to you. Then apply this to revision, help them split up the learning they need to do into a format that works for them.
 
 
Overcoming limiting beliefs
If your child is adamant they can’t do the exam, that they will fail then we can challenge that limiting belief and overcome it. Argue with the negative voice and question it. Sit down with your child and ask them ‘What if you could?’ Follow this with other phrases that focus on achieving their goal ‘What would it look like?’ What would it sound like?’ What would it feel like?’ By asking these questions of our children we associate with their goals. This means we get them to acknowledge that not only that they can happen, but that they will, because they can only happen if we visualise them. If we can imagine it happening then it will happen.

Mindfulness to ease anxiety
 
Children and teenagers need to learn how to mindfully choose what to focus on rather than allowing themselves to get distracted by worries and fears, anger and stress.
Mindfulness can enable you to stand back and review your patterns, the way you respond to situations that may not be terribly helpful. In a sense you are giving yourself therapy but it isn't about talk, it's silent meditation where your breathing is your focus and anchors the calm state where you can notice the thoughts, name them, accept that your mind will wander, and gently and kindly without judgement, bring yourself back to the present.
If you're interested in having a go and experiencing mindfulness - download the free Headspace app. 
 
If you’d like to know more about what I do or my new Exam Stress Buster courses, which consist of 4 x skype sessions please get in touch. judy@nlpkids.com  07917 451245

The metaphor of an anchor is very appropriate because when we feel adrift, lost, confused and overwhelmed by parenting it is helpful to put down an anchor to stabilize ourselves and find a calm place in my mind and body. We can rely on the anchor because it is heavy and solid and it won’t let us down.
From there we can access our resources to move on in what we’re doing. We use anchoring to achieve a sense of control and resourcefulness in any situation. As parents we might use it when:

• The baby’s crying and you’ve done everything (changed nappy, fed her, cuddled her etc). You want to cry too.
• School holidays and the kids are screaming at each other they are bored and you’re clean out of ideas.
• Your toddler’s has just refused to eat his food again and you’ve cooked it just the way he likes it.
• Your boss wants you to do a presentation but it’s on your son’s sports day and you feel torn

The sense of calm you get from anchoring can help you find that inner resource and bring it out when and where you need it. You can anchor anywhere at any time and it takes seconds.

And you can teach this technique to your child or young person. 
 
 What is it?
Your anchor could be an image or a picture (if they are visual), a sound or piece of music (if they are auditory) or an action (if they are kinaesthetic). If they're not sure, there is a quiz in NLP for Children 

Help them choose an anchor that they can easily access anywhere because you need it to be something that doesn’t draw attention to themselves at school or with their friends. If they are in the playground or park, a friend’s house or a birthday party they won’t want to be doing anything strange that their friends will notice.

Good anchors are natural actions such as picturing you or their pet if they are visual, quietly humming some music if they are auditory or maybe a 'thumbs up sign'  if they are kinaesthetic.
  
Step 1 – Establishing the anchor
Ask them to close their eyes and think about a time or situation when they feel calm and relaxed, strong and in control.  Suggest they imagine themselves there now. Maybe they'd like to go there, draw it or talk about it. 
Ask them - What can you see? Describe the scene as if they are there now, maybe they are actually there.  Suggest they increase the brightness and focus on everything in their picture.
What can they hear? Is there music, are people talking?
What are they doing? What is happening? Is it hot or cold, how do they feel?
When they are really feel associated into the situation and as calm and confident as you think they could possibly be, fire the anchor. Do the thing you have decided to do as your anchor.

Step 2 – Break state
When they seem to have lost the calm state - you can tell because they might open their eyes or start fidgeting, ask them to pretend to sneeze on an imaginary ice cream. This is a great way to 'break state' .

Step 3 – Fire it again
Repeat step 1 and ask them again to make the images, sounds and feelings very strong before they fire the anchor.

Step 4 – Break state
Change their state for a minute

Step 5 – Fire it again
Repeat the process. It will probably be quite quick by now.

Now they have their anchor, suggest they use it whenever they need that resource. You can help them establish different anchors for other resources.

Even very small children can quickly anchor a feeling of being brave. You will need to help them recall when they were brave and describe it to them as they establish the anchor. Use the same words each time as this helps them remember it for themselves. 

​If you want any help with this process please email me and I'll go through it with you one on one. 

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it. 

In a family situation it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

In the family you would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.

Parents need to know how to give choice when there is none because offering choices is not always an option when you want your children to get dressed to go to school by a certain time, eat healthy meals or do their homework. If you have older children you may not want to give them choices about what time to come home or where they go and with whom.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

There is always a choice, not just in terms of the ‘how’ but also a choice in how you ask. You can speak in rapport, using your child’s preferred language pattern – visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. If they are talking about what they don’t want e.g. “I don’t want to put on my shirt” mention something you don’t want in order to match them “and I don’t want to be late for the bus.” If they say ‘yes but’ or ‘no’ this is a mismatch pattern which you can still match for rapport by using the same pattern ‘yes but homework needs to be done first’ or ‘no, it has to be done first, then TV.

Learning about NLP means that we have choices based on more knowledge about ourselves and how we see our world and a better understanding of the other person’s world. We can then choose how we want to communicate with them.
​
Even when there appears to be no choice in the ‘what’ that we have to do, there is always a choice in the ‘how’. These choices give us flexibility which puts us in control if we choose to be. 

What this says is that if the result you are getting such as your children’s behaviour is not what you want, then you must change your own behaviour in order to get a different result.

We tend to think as parents that it is their behaviour that must be changed and we carry on telling them off, shouting at them and getting cross.

So here is a new way of thinking.

Do something different.

If you do something different you will get a different result.

The first way to do this is to decide what result you want. There could be any number of results such as children doing what they are told, not throwing things, shouting and so on. Think of a situation that occurs frequently in your family that you’d like to change and write it down.

Now think instead about what you would like to happen. What is your desirable outcome? Write that down now.

Look back at what you’ve written.

When you decide on what result you want, you need to be quite specific and get to the detail. What exactly do you want, from whom, when and in what way? If you aren’t precise how will you know when you have achieved it? Write down exactly what you want now.

The more specific you can be about what you want to happen, the easier it will be to decide how to change what you are currently doing in order to achieve it. You will also be able to recognise it when it happens.
Note that I said ‘when it happens’ not ‘if it happens’. The word ‘if’ is a toxic word because it implies that there is a choice and that you doubt it will happen. Instead believe that it will happen by saying ‘when’. This applies to all instructions to children e.g. “When you have eaten your veg”, “When you have gone to bed nicely”, “When you have done your homework.”

Your current behaviour pattern is dictated by your beliefs. Do you believe that your children will do what you ask them? ‘If’ suggests you don’t. The reason you are shouting or using the words you are using is because you believe this works. Does it?

If it doesn’t then you need to think again. Does this belief stem from your own childhood and how you were brought up, what you consider to be of value and important about how to bring up children. This may also have come from the mores of the culture you are from, the area or region and who you spend time with in your environment.

When what you are doing is not working then look at the underlying belief for this behaviour. Are you sure your underlying belief is sound? Could you be carrying forward into the present a belief that belongs in the past? Look back at the situation you have written about and list all the beliefs that underpin your thinking.

• What do you hold in your head about what should happen in that situation?
• Where have those beliefs come from?
• Are they valid for you today?
• Are they serving you well or making life more difficult?
• Could you re-think a belief so that you could make other choices of behaviour?

Whenever you find yourself thinking ‘I should do….’ - change it to, ‘I could do…’ so that you give yourself permission to do something different.  How often do we mums run about doing all the things we believe we ‘should’ do and leave no time for us to do what we want to do? We end up feeling resentful and tired. Whose fault is this? Whose responsibility is it to change the underlying belief? Yes – YOURS!

Do your beliefs limit your choices of behaviour?
Increase your options and change your behaviour to get the result you want.
This is of course an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one? They have the same choices as you.
 
 Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps. If you have a very young child, ask them to draw what they’d like to happen. Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result happen for them.

Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.This process requires that they step into the shoes of the other people involved in the situation rather than just look at it from their point of view. This is an enormously powerful tool that they can learn as a toddler and apply throughout their life.

Extract from Positive Parenting with NLP available on Amazon. 

I've been reading so much in the newspapers recently about Trump making U-turns or Theresa May. It's always written as a negative thing. It is something apparently to be avoided. It shows a lack of sincerity, a lack of conviction or commitment to a view or process. It is not something to be admired but something to be jeered at and scorned as a sign of bad character. It's certainly not something we should be encouraging in our kids. Or is it? 

As you know, I deliver life skills courses and therapy as well as writing lots of books. One of the character traits I find most limiting in children is the belief that they are right and that whatever they're doing is OK and it's everyone else who should change. In other words they absolutely should not make a U-turn. So they continue to repeat the same behaviour, continue to find it hard to make friends, continue to be bullied, continue to be told off at school. They think it's everyone else who needs to change. Even though undeniably their behaviour is not making them happy, they're stuck in a rut and can't see any other alternatives. 

Coming to therapy enables them to look at situations another way. They are invited to consider patterns that do work well for them and become curious about those that don't. We use their insatiable curiosity and imagination to experiment with other possibilities. We use Lego, clay, drawing, role play, music to generate ideas and we sometimes even play football. For a boy, balls really hit the spot so what better way for them to experiment with changing behaviour. 

If you want to have a go yourself, put a waste paper basket on the floor and give your child some tennis balls. Ask them how many different ways they can think of to get the ball into the basket. Let's say they can find 6 different ways. Ask them what they've learned from the exercise. Then ask, can you think of 6 different ways to respond to x ? X being the bully in the playground, a subject they find difficult or being told off etc. 

"The person with the most flexibility controls the system. " This is one of the NLP Beliefs of Excellence or Pre-suppositions. When Bandler and Grinder developed NLP they found that successful people were exceptionally flexible. That didn't mean that they just caved in under pressure, nor that they said they agreed with things they didn't agree with. It was about finding other ways to express themselves, other ways to get the outcome they wanted. 

The beliefs we hold are what we hold to be true in the moment. As we discover more information through reading, discussion, experiment and by increased knowledge then we need to flex our beliefs to take on board the new knowledge. 

So encourage your children to make U-turns, encourage them to think differently. Be supportive of changes of belief about their life. They are growing and learning and having the flexibility to adapt constantly will make them stronger and happier. 

If you want to know more about beliefs of excellence or NLP take a look at my bookstore or get in touch. 

It’s that time of year again. I feel I’ve had school age children forever! My eldest is 29 and youngest 16 so I’ve long been programmed to think of this time of year as the ‘New Year’ and I start getting my ‘resolutions’ or ‘goals’ sorted out ready for the off.

NLP goal setting tends to be referred to as ‘setting compelling outcomes’ and I do this with my child clients. A compelling outcome is one that:

• they really really want
• is specific and ‘small chunk’ so they know what they’re aiming for
• they have the skills to achieve
• will make a significant difference in their life
• is so real they can imagine it happening

Let’s take these in turn.

Choosing the goal 

•  It’s no good suggesting what children should choose as their goal. It’s tempting to pass on goals their teacher has suggested from their end of year report. Maybe you’ve discussed things they could work on. However, the very best, most compelling goals are those they come up with themselves. Even if they say their goal is to be in the 1st team for football, working towards that goal will build skills and confidence they can apply in all areas.
• They need to list all their ideas and get them all out for inspection. Then go back through them
  • Are they all worded as ‘towards’ goals – what they do want not what they want to avoid
  • Is each one realistic, can they actually do this?
  • Is it in their control?
• If they give each a score out of 10 for how much they want this goal, which would score 10 out of 10?

 
Chunking down the goal 

• When we word our goals in a vague way e.g. “I want to get better marks in maths” it isn’t specific. There’s no clear sense of what ‘better’ will be and when they will have achieved it. Instead, set a specific goal that is small enough to go for with confidence that it is achievable, then set another goal afterwards.

  
The skills to achieve 

• What skills do they need to achieve the goal? They need to make a list.
• Where do they have these skills? They might have them in their sport or hobby or in another school subject.

 
Making a significant difference 

• We want our children to be happy, don’t we? In order for it to be compelling, the goal needs to make them happy. If it won’t, then choose another goal.

 
Visualising the goal 

• Ask them to close their eyes and look up to the right (this connects with the future in their brain) and picture themselves having achieved this goal. Encourage them to hear what they hear, see what they see and feel what they feel as they achieve their compelling outcome. If they can’t imagine it then it is not as compelling as they think.
• What would it be like to achieve their goal? Can they find a picture to reflect it? Use that as their phone background to remind themselves daily of how great it will be to achieve their goal.
• Strike a power pose to integrate the goal through their body – like Usain Bolt. 

I make different sets of goals. They can too,

• Personal goals (hobbies and sport mostly)
• Work goals
• Relationship goals

If you feel your child or young person would benefit from a guided Skype session for goal setting or if you’d like me to help you with this, you can book a one-hour session with free follow-up using this link http://www.nlpfamily.com/consultations.html

I’ll also be running workshops on Friday 1st September and Saturday 2nd email for details judy@nlpkids.com

If you’d like to train as an NLP Kids Practitioner with me, find out more. http://www.nlpfamily.com/practitioner-training.html

​Buy my workbooks for children, tweens and teens (parents and teachers too!) http://www.nlpfamily.com/engaging-nlp-series.html

Children often don't understand their feelings and can be overwhelmed by them. As parents, we ask 'why' they are angry or we ask them to stop or we try to comfort them. We may even take their anger personally, blaming ourselves or thinking it is directed at us just because we happen to be there. So how can we respond more resourcefully? 

Judy is the mother of four children aged 16-29yrs and runs a Kids Therapy business from home in South Bucks, UK. She is the author of 'Be a happier parent with NLP' and the Engaging NLP series of workbooks. 

1. Imagine you are an impartial observer. What do you notice? What has happened? Take the emotion out of the situation and hear what you hear. If this happened at work how would you react? 

2. Watch out for deletions. Listen to everything that is said without deleting any content. Sometimes we focus on certain words and phrases and miss the rest or we miss the context. 

3. Are you generalising? Are you saying that he or she is 'always' saying or doing this or 'never' doing that? Think of the exceptions and work out what works rather than what is not working.

4. Are you distorting what's been said or making assumptions, mind reading? Are you making something of what's been said that isn't a fair reflection of the content e.g. 2+2 = 5.

5. Don't rescue them. That means making the anger go away by bribing them or getting them out of the situation. They won't learn that way. They will gain more self-esteem from managing their state themselves. You can't be everywhere! 

6. When a child is angry or upset they are in 'child mode' (Transactional Analysis) where it's hard to reason with them. So to move them into 'Adult mode' ask them a simple question such as "Is this a small problem, a medium problem or a big problem?" or "On a scale of 1-10 how much is this a problem fro you right now?" This will distract them from 'child mode' as they seek to answer your question. 

7. If they are way past reasoning you can encourage them to breathe out the anger. Ask "Does your anger have a colour?" Can they breathe it out like a dragon? What colour would calm be? Can they breathe in that colour? 

8. If their anger was an animal what animal would it be? What does this animal want? Can they stroke it and calm it down? Give it some love?

9. Tell them to put their hands to their heart and say " I feel........." (cross, sad, angry, hurt... or even... I don't know how I feel). Then ask them to open their hands out in front and say "Right now lots of other children feel just like I feel. I'm not alone, lots of children feel like this." Then they put their hands back to their heart and say "What I need now is........". It could be that they need to say 'sorry' or ask for a hug, or just rest quietly in their room. This is a self-compassion break. 

10. Teach them how to anchor a calm state. They need to think of a time when they feel really happy and relaxed. Then imagine you can make that image bigger, zoom in and see yourself relaxed and calm. When they are experiencing a strong sense of calm, ask them to squeeze their earlobe. When the feeling fades, they take it away. You're building an association between the action and a the state of being calm. Repeat the process three times to establish the anchor. They can then use this when they start to feel angry. 
The anchoring process is explained very thoroughly in 'Be a happier parent with NLP'. 

You can get in touch with me via SKYPE using my ID judy.bartkowiak or email judy@nlpkids.com or fill in this contact form. 
​

How can we support our children and teenagers as they enter the summer term, many facing important exams?

At this time of year children are preparing for important exams and the next stage in their young lives. How can we help them to feel confident about these changes and prepare them to be resourceful even when we are not around?

1. They need to be internally referenced. Rather than being influenced by those around them and relying on others for reassurance and praise, encourage them to check in with their own values before making decisions. Ask them, ‘what do you think?’, ‘What do you think you could do?’
2. We tend to praise our children a great deal nowadays but how specific are you with your feedback? Make your observations full and detailed in order that they learn to acknowledge their strengths and build their self confidence. Say ‘I noticed how well you ………….’.
3. Show them how to anchor a resourceful state so when they feel overwhelmed they can access a calm and confident state.

• Ask them to choose an action they can use as their anchor such as squeezing their earlobe.
• Now ask them to think of a time when they felt really brave, confident, strong and in control. You will want to use their own words for the resource they need to anchor.
• When they have thought of a really good example of the feeling they want; ask them to close their eyes and imagine themselves in that situation now where the feeling was strongest. Tell them to do the action when it is at its height and remove the action as the memory fades away.
• You can build on their memory by prompting them with
  • How does it feel?
  • Who is there?
  • What are you thinking?
  • What are you doing?
• They should repeat this 3 or 4 times until the action and the memory are linked firmly in their mind.

1. Invite them to use a metaphor for how they are feeling at the moment. ‘Preparing for these exams is like what?’ When you understand how they are feeling, you will know what skills and resources you can anchor with them and what feedback will be most helpful.
2. Lastly, avoid generalising, deleting and distorting e.g. ‘You make me so cross when I see you messing around rather than revising’ (distortion)or ‘You will wish you’d worked harder’ (distortion) ‘you aren’t doing any revision’ (deletion) or ‘All your friends will be working hard revising’ (generalisation).

Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP Kids and Teen specialist and can be contacted on 01628 660618. Her website is www.nlpkids.com. Judy is the author of Engaging NLP for Teens. Book a Skype session for your young person or a Confidence and Resilience programme of four one hour sessions.