Have you heard the expression “Don’t think about pink elephants!” What do we find ourselves doing? Thinking about pink elephants of course. In order to make sense of the instruction, we first have to get a picture in our head of a pink elephant. So we have now done exactly what we have been told not to do even though it wasn’t our intention. That’s how negative goals work too. As we focus on what we don’t want, inadvertently we are actually getting it.

 “In order to say no to something, your brain must first make an image of the thing you don’t want and then negate it. The problem is that at this point you’re already heading in the wrong direction.” Richard Bandler

Thinking about what you don’t want is problem thinking whereas thinking about what you do want is outcome thinking. Problem thinking arises when we focus on the thing that’s happening now which is of course the thing we don’t want. So the only way we will change and experience more of what we do want is to move away from the present problem state and towards the compelling outcome.

There are two directions in life, forwards and backwards, towards and away from. When Bandler and Grinder developed NLP back in the 60s they found as they studied successful people that they were all ‘towards’ orientated. They didn’t waste their time and energy on what they didn’t want but focused on getting what they did want.

‘Away from’ thinking focuses the mind on the present unsatisfactory situation that they want to change. When we try to get our brain to focus on what it doesn’t want, it gets confused. Think about some of these goals, have you ever had goals like these?

“I want to give up snacking”.
“I must get rid of all the junk in this room.”
“I’ve got to lose weight.”
“I don’t want to come last.”
“I hope I don’t fail.”
“I better not catch his cold.”
“I don’t want to be late.”

Have you ever told yourself ‘I mustn’t forget to…………’ and then found that you did indeed forget whatever it was. Your brain is saying ‘forget …..’ whereas if instead you told yourself ‘remember to……’ you’d have a lot more chance of being successful. On leaving the house for work my husband often tells me ‘don’t forget to………..’ and consciously I have to reword it ‘I must remember…..’otherwise I know I’d forget. It happens sometimes with children doesn’t it? You say ‘Be careful not to fall!’ and then they do just that. It’s because subconsciously they’ve heard the instruction to fall and they’ve focused on that word.

When people are focusing on the problem and being in a problem state there can be fear about what they’ll do when the problem’s fixed. What will they focus on next? Will there be a void in their life? Some people worry that they won’t know what to do with themselves when they are no longer worrying about this thing. This is another very good reason for focusing on something enjoyable, something they do want or who they want to be.
 
At the time of writing this we are going through a pandemic with thousands dying. Whole nations are confined to their homes, people are off work and incomes slashed. It is very easy to think about what we haven't got and what we can't do. But this thinking will not keep us safe. Instead we need to change from

I must keep away from other people to I must ensure I have a 2m space around me 
I mustn't forget to wash my hands to I must remember to wash my hands

Focusing on what we do want rather than on what we don’t want is a matter of thinking first what we really want, imagining what it will be like and taking it on as our identity. This moves us from a state of problem thinking where the focus is on what we don’t want and moves us along the road towards what we do want which is our compelling vision for ourselves.

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Feedback is the response we give and get from communication, either verbal or non-verbal. Distortion is the effect of mind reading and making assumptions about a person’s behaviour rather than checking it out with them. 

When we give feedback it needs to be clear and specific and it needs to be what we think based on what we have observed rather than assumptions we make based on our view of the world. Distortion occurs when we make 1+1=3 , where the evidence doesn’t point to the conclusion we’ve drawn because we’ve added in something of our own into the mix. An example of this is ‘my children are fighting to annoy me’ or ‘my boss has given me extra work because he doesn’t like me’. You can also recognise this type of distortion where you have sentences divided by the word ‘so’ or ‘therefore’ for example ‘he hasn’t told me he loves me recently so he must be having an affair’ or ‘she is playing on her computer therefore she isn’t doing her homework’. When we add our own meaning we are distorting the original meaning. It assumes we know better what the intention of the behaviour or communication was. We compare what they say and do with our own map of the world and it becomes our truth. Feedback needs to be given in the spirit of curiosity and respect for the other person’s map of the world.  What else could they mean? Where someone has presented two linked statements for them there is an association or meaning in their map of the world. We need to challenge this using clean questions such as ‘in what way…’ or ‘and how is…and that’s like what?’ we’re looking to understand how 1+1=3 in their map.

When we are given feedback the same thing applies. Be curious about the content, what they have observed and question any assumptions they have made which have distorted it. This is all part of the feedback because you need to know what it was that you communicated that gave them this impression because you are responsible for your communication.

Reverse mind reading is also distortion. This is when someone says ‘if you knew me …..’ or ‘if you cared about me you would……’ or ‘you should know that………’. Here you are criticising someone for not responding in the way they should yet you have never told them what you wanted.

Another type of distortion is cause and effect when we feedback to someone that they ‘make’ you feel a certain way. This isn’t true because someone can’t make you feel something, this is your choice however what interests us is how this can be so for the other person so we’d ask ‘how exactly did I do that?’ or ‘how did x do that exactly?’ 

Parents frequently distort feedback to and from their children partly because the relationship is so intense and emotional that it becomes difficult to objectively observe behaviour. There is a huge amount of mind-reading that goes on because parents unecologically assume that they can do this because the child is theirs, of their own flesh and blood therefore they ought to be able to read their mind. Of course they can’t.
When children disobey their parents it isn’t usually because they want to ‘make ‘ them angry or upset even thought his is often what parents say. Parents often take the action of their children at a very personal level assuming they are involved when usually they are not. Next time you respond to your child feedback what you have noticed without putting any interpretation on it from your own very different map of the world. Be curious about their map as you feedback to them how you feel about what they have done or said. By taking this slightly more disassociated stance you allow for improved rapport and connection. You also model for them how to give feedback and how to receive it.
When you children are giving you feedback that seems distorted , question the assumptions using clean questions such as ‘and how exactly did I do that? or ‘and how exactly did I make you feel this?’  

Everything we experience is filtered through our beliefs and values, experiences and memories. This gives us a unique perception, ours. It is called our ‘map of the world’. But there are several different ways of looking at your world. In NLP we call them positions, they are also called perspectives. They relate to perceptions from three different points of view. A CCTV camera has no emotion but simply records what it sees without judgement.  It notices everything and records it exactly. It can’t be fooled, it is impartial. By being able to access this state for ourselves we get to see what is actually happening in our world when we take away the emotions. This can be instructive in a number of situations.

“What people say they do or believe they do is often far removed from what they actually do”.
Richard Bandler

“Wisdom comes from multiple perspectives, and there is a lot that the athlete can learn from seeing him/herself doing the particular event (disassociated) from different angles and perspectives.” Jeremy Lazarus.

“The skill lies in choosing an associated or a disassociated state for a purpose. The appropriate choice depends on your desire outcome. You might choose to disassociate to protect yourself from painful emotions, or you might choose to associate in order fully to experience all the feelings of the situation.” Sue Knight

“As you practice the technique of changing perceptual positions you will find that moving to third position brings with it a new perspective and calmer insights into any dilemma that you are facing.” Jeff Archer

“Some people believe that this perceptual position allows us to manage our emotions more effectively by ensuring that our prefrontal cortex is engaged in a logical and rational way, as opposed to being at the mercy of our amygdala with all the associated risks of emotional excess.” Richard Churches and Roger Terry

First position is us. When we use the word ‘I’ we are engaging with our ‘first person’. It is from this position that we think and talk about our thoughts and feelings our beliefs and values, experiences and window on the world. It is important to associate into this position and be fully aware of it so you know that it is your opinion you are expressing and your choice of what you are doing. You can’t always stay in first position though because you need to appreciate other people’s point of view and consider their feelings. Be aware when you are in first position and acknowledge that it is one point of view and that it isn’t the only one.

Second position is the other person you are talking to or in a relationship with. You need to step into their shoes to understand the world from their perspective. It will be different from yours, not least because they may be another gender, age or ethnic group. You will be most successful at this if you can imagine and be curious about what life would be like if you were them. Acknowledging the second position is the way you can empathise with someone else and consider their feelings because by putting yourself in their shoes you will know what these are without having to ask them.

Third position is the CCTV camera or some people say ‘the fly on the wall’ or ‘impartial observer’. This third position can observe what is going on between first and second position but cannot intervene and cannot feel the emotion, it just observes the body language and hears what is said. It can only communicate this without there being any judgement or emotion. In order to understand this position, imagine yourself as a fly on the wall or a CCTV camera watching you right now as you read this book. When you are that camera what do you see? What is happening?

This ability to see things dispassionately can be enormously beneficial when emotions are getting high and being able to second and third position in order to see the other person’s map and see what is going on between you both from an outside perspective can take the heat out of the situation.
 
​Become aware of when you are in first , second and third position and practice moving deftly between them to check out what the other person may need or want (second position) what you want (first position) and then check in with third position to view the interaction from a disassociated place where the emotions are quietened. That way, you become flexible, give yourself choices and are more likely to achieve your desirable outcome. 

This extract is from 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' by Judy Bartkowiak. 

NLP & EFT for Back to work - a four week course for female entrepreneurs

This is a four week course via Zoom for women in the early stages of setting up their own small business. It will cover
* overcoming blocks around confidence about putting yourself 'out there' 
* getting to know your skills and applying them to be your best self
* emergency treatment for those panicky moments
* anything else you need!
The course will be £25 for all four sessions. It will include membership of a whatsapp group just for this course so you can support each other. 

Judy Bartkowiak runs her own business NLP & EFT Kids, from home in Burnham, South Bucks, UK. Before training in NLP she ran a Market Research company specialising in kids research. Over the years she has also run a Montessori school, taught English as a foreign language, worked as a freelance writer and manages several Airbnb rooms in her house. So she has some experience setting up and running businesses whilst also parenting four children. 

If you'd like to arrange a private consultation or a free 15 minute intro chat, get in touch using the contact form please. 
​

I've seen a lot of teenagers this week, both on Skype and here in my therapy room (my dining room in fact!) at home. The pressure is on, motivation is low and there's a lot of depression and anxiety in the air. 
So if this is what your home feels like right now, here are a few top tips to share with your kids.
#Alevels #gcse #revision #anxiety #stress #depression #teenagers#examstress
1. The fastest way to change state (mood) is to change your breathing so instead of going into your head and trying to battle it out there through reason and logic, instead - exercise (just run round the block, up and down stairs, skip) sing and dance to some music, laugh at a comedy show, breathe deeply do some yoga. 
2. Eat and sleep, drink plenty of water. Spend some time doing something for yourself that you love. Meet up with a friend, look after your emotional and physical needs. 
3. Visualise what a good result will look, sound and feel like. Can you imagine looking at your grade sheet, what would you like to see there? What will your parents say? How pleased will they be? How will you feel? Proud? Relieved? 
4. Chunk down (take your revision a bit at a time, one topic, one aspect) and take these small bites with a break in between. Then chunk up - what does it mean to have done that chunk? You're a step closer to being prepared for the exam. Chunk up again - you're on your way to college, uni apprenticeship. 
5. Set your compelling outcome for the day, what topics you want to do (be specific) set achievable goals factoring in some 'me time' and focus on what you want to achieve, set 'towards' goals. 
6. Instead of comparing yourself with others (external referencing) focus on how much more prepared you are yourself as each day passes. 
7. To gain extra focus do the 9 step gamut process. Eyes up, eyes down, eyes left, eyes right, roll eyes clockwise, eyes anticlockwise, hum, count 1-9, and hum. This will wake up both left and right side of your brain. Healthier than coffee or Red Bull!

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it. 

“Having just one choice is no choice at all. The more choices you have, the more freedom you have to be in the driving seat of your car.” Steve Bannister

“The whole point of NLP is having more choice.” Richard Bandler

“You’re not just a leaf on the wind.” Anthony Robbins

“We are making hundreds, thousands even millions of unconscious choices every day about what we pay attention to and what we don’t. And this is fine, provided those choices work for us. However, if we are not getting the results we want, we can learn to make new choices until we find what does work.” Sue Knight

“Identifying, acknowledging, examining, and employing our parts, rules, and inner wisdom help us transform our internal process and deal with present circumstances. By removing our self-made limits, we expand our choices.” Virginia Satir

In a family it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

It is useful to know whether the person you are talking to likes choices or not in each situation because you will have greater rapport if you give choices to someone who wants them and not to someone who doesn’t.  You would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.
  
Parents need to know how to give choice when there is none because offering choices is not always an option when you want your children to get dressed to go to school by a certain time, eat healthy meals or do their homework. If you have older children you may not want to give them choices about what time to come home or where they go and with whom.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

 Even when there appears to be no choice in the ‘what’ that we have to do, there is always a choice in the ‘how’. There is a choice also in how we communicate, what we choose to believe about a situation and a choice in how we frame it. We can use anchoring to choose our most resourceful state and we can choose to communicate in rapport. These choices give us flexibility which puts us in control if we choose to be. 

This extract was taken from 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' by Judy Bartkowiak. 

How we judge others is that shadow part of us. When we criticise others, find fault, get cross, feel angry with people based on what they've said or done, it has triggered something in us about the same thing.

​

So when you think - 

That was mean - ask yourself, how am I sometimes mean?
What was my belief at that time when I was mean? 

Think back to the last time you did something similar. 
What was your positive intention on that occasion?
Could there be a similar positive intention in this situation? 

Does this give you greater compassion and clarity? 

I met someone at a local business event who told me about his teenage son who was expressed extreme anger, throwing things around his room and shouting. He told me that he had punished the boy and taken his X Box away as a result and things had got so bad that the boy was throwing things out of his window and they were embarrassed the neighbours would see. 
I asked him "Can you think of a time when you were that angry yourself?" 
Initially he said "no, never" but then he remembered that a long time ago he had been overlooked for a promotion that 'should' have been his. He was very angry. 
I asked him "what was your belief at that time?" 
"It was so unfair." he said. 

This brought clarity. Fairness was a value he had brought his son up with and so it was highly likely that this was underpinning his anger. 
"Is there anything happening at the moment at home that your son may feel is unfair?' I asked. 
"Oh yes" he said. "I know exactly what to do and I'll talk to him when I get home." 

I am currently in Australia staying with my son, his lovely wife and baby daughter. Their way of life is understandably very different from mine as we don't have any young children at home any more. They like to keep surfaces clean and clear, safety gates need to be kept closed and noise kept to a minimum after baby has been put to bed. On several occasions I have slipped up and my son has been annoyed. I found myself feeling hurt because I hadn't meant to be careless but his positive intention was to keep my granddaughter safe and in her routine. 

Here's an exercise for you.

When we judge our children or our partner, parent or parents-in-law, take a moment to consider how we may be doing this very thing as  well. There's an NLP pre-supposition that goes 

'If you spot it, you've got it'. 

The reason we notice it (the behaviour) in others is because it is familiar to us, it is also our pattern. 

Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP and EFT Practitioner, coach, trainer and author. If you feel she could help you with an issue you're currently struggling with, get in touch. You can read about the NLP Presuppositions in 'NLP Workbook' and 'Be a happier parent with NLP'. 
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Self-esteem is the extent to which you feel you are OK, a valuable person in your own right.  It is a measure of the opinion you have of yourself in all respects; your physical appearance, how well you perform in your work and sport, whether you feel you are popular and get on with people you meet and how well things are going for you at home with your family. Only you are the judge of your self-esteem, no-one else can make it greater or smaller. When you lack self-esteem no amount of well-meaning flattery will change this feeling unless you believe it to be true for yourself.

Self-esteem is a feeling and it can change throughout the day, over the week, month and years. You may be someone who measures it visually by what you see and the images in your mind, what you say and how you say it or your inner voice or how you feel in yourself or what you do. However you measure it, self-esteem is not tangible, it is not a fact. You cannot weigh it or measure it and it cannot be proven yet it can affect your sense of well-being and your sense of who you are in the world.

You cannot measure anyone else’s self-esteem either in fact they may seem very successful and confident to you, yet may be feeling very different inside and have low self-esteem but be very experienced at hiding it from others.

Here are some of the feelings and thoughts you might experience when you feel low self-esteem.

 " I can't do this. I'm useless."

"Everyone else is better than me."

"No-one seems to listen to what I say."

"Why do people keep criticising me?"

"I'm just a ............."

 Here are some typical thoughts you may experience when you are feeling high self-esteem.

  "My views are important, people listen when I speak."

"I get on pretty well with most people."

"When I make a mistake, I don't mind admitting it."

"I think it's important to be yourself."

"I'm OK with how I look."

Exercise 1
Here are some questions to ask yourself and think about. You might find it helpful to give yourself a score out of ten for each sentence so you can look at them after you’ve read the book to see how you have changed.

Q1. How well do you take criticism?  
Q2. Do you feel valued by your colleagues or those you interact with daily?
Q3. How often do you say what you really think or do you just agree with the majority view?
Q4. Do you get what you want from your relationships?
Q5. Do you take it personally if someone doesn’t agree with you?
Q6. Are you envious of what others have and think they’re doing better than you?
Q7. Do you sometimes feel unloved?
Q8. Do you feel embarrassed about your appearance?
Q9. Do you sometimes feel like a victim?
Q10. Do you feel you’re not good enough?

This was taken from my book 'Self-Esteem Workbook'. If you'd like to receive the first chapter free, just sign up to my newsletter. 

We have mentioned the importance of controlling your state and your communication but what if your sense of failure is a belief you hold from your past? Has someone in your childhood said or done something that has left you with the feeling of having failed or being likely to fail. This is what NLP calls a ‘limiting belief’ and you can choose whether to hold this belief or not. If the feelings of being a failure are holding you back from what you want to achieve or from being a happy parent then you may want to revisit it. 

I had a limiting belief about arguing and around conflict. My parents didn’t argue but bottled things up and then the explosions were frightening. My mum would go off for a long walk and dad would maintain a stony silence for days. I learnt to fear arguments and raised voices and learnt that it was dangerous to disagree. I internalised my anger and instead of expressing my views when they were different, I did what I saw mum do, go off somewhere and cry. When I got married my husband was a great cook and suggested making chips. I didn’t know how to make chips and made a mistake, Edward made a rude and insensitive remark and instead of retaliating that this was rather out of proportion with the incident, I drove off in the car and cried. My belief that I could not risk an argument was holding me back. Then I wondered why I was making such a fuss. I realised I was over reacting. So I went back and we kissed and made up and Edward assured me that it was OK to argue, he wouldn’t leave me, and he hasn’t! 

Some limiting beliefs that lead to feelings of failure belong in our past and need to be revisited as adults to check whether they are outdated. After all, we have changed since childhood, learnt more about ourselves, grown up and developed new skills that make those limiting beliefs no longer true for us (assuming they were then, which might well not be so because sometimes parents pass their own limiting beliefs on to their children). 

Sara believed that she was not clever enough for further education because her mother had left school at 15 and none of her siblings had stayed on at school. When at 40 she started to question why she had no qualifications and considered doing some through evening classes, her mother’s words were in her mind and indeed her mother questioned the sense in doing any learning at her age. It took a huge amount of faith in herself and her abilities to overcome this limiting belief but she’s signed up and can’t wait to start. The words ‘can’t’ have been replaced now by ‘but what if I can?’ and she’s moved on. 

When we feel those first self doubts creeping in, those destructive and limiting beliefs that we are not capable of doing something or a feeling that we have failed at something, we have the resources to reject them. Remind yourself of your skills. Remind yourself to use the feedback and your response to the situation as a resource to move forward and draw on the skills you have, perhaps in another area of your life to apply to this area where you need it.
 
From time to time we feel we have failed as a parent or a partner or lover, daughter or friend. This is natural after all we are not perfect. How do you think you have failed? What can you do to succeed; it is in your power. You can turn the situation around by asking yourself
 
“What would success in that context look/sound/feel like?”
 
“What skills do I need to achieve this desired outcome?”
 
“Where do I use that skill?”
 
“How can I bring it across into the area of my life where I need it now?”
 
Do a quick audit of your skills. This is a great help when you feel you’ve failed at something. What are you good at?
 
Write your list down and keep it handy. 

Now add in what others say about you because they see you in a different light. Perhaps you are self critical and don’t always see your assets or they are so familiar to you that you take them for granted.
 
My friends and family say I am good at………………
 
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
 
Now revisit those areas where you feel you’ve failed and look back at these two lists. Which of these skills can you take and work with.
Write down the skill here
 
I am good at…………………………………….
 
What does this say about you that you are good at this thing? What can you do differently by using this skill in the area you want to change? 

I can……………………………………………………
 
Try it and ask for feedback.
 
This exercise is very useful with children too of course.
 
Paul finds reading very hard and he gives up easily when he gets to a difficult or unfamiliar word. “I can’t do it” he groans and closes the book. Paul is very good at sport and plays quite aggressively, he tackles and perseveres until he gets the ball off the opposition.
 
“What makes you good at football Paul?”
“Because I like it”
“Don’t you like reading?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t do it”
“So why can you do football and not reading?”
“Because I am fast and because I am not scared of trying to get the ball”
“Are you scared of reading?”
“Yes because I keep getting it wrong”
“If that difficult word was a ball you would keep trying until you got it wouldn’t you?”
“Yes”
“Shall we pretend that each difficult word is a ball and that because you are fast and not scared you can work it out?”
 
Children are very good at imagining things and they use metaphors very naturally so it wasn’t hard for Paul to pretend each word he didn’t recognise was a ball and in fact applying his fast and ‘not scared’ skills from football he approached his reading quite differently, speeded up and was soon reading confidently on his own.
 
When you feel you can't do something, it’s good to use an anchoring skill to put yourself in a resourceful state so you can assess your transferable skills.  Here's a link to my blog post on how to anchor 

This was an extract from 'Be a happier parent with NLP' published by Hodder and written by Judy Bartkowiak NLP Author, Trainer and NLP and EFT Practitioner. 

Judy offers one on one coaching face to face and via Skype/Whatsapp with children, teens and parents. She also offers four-session programmes for confidence and resilience, anxiety busting and anger management. 

She offers NLP Kids Practitioner Training again via webcam on Skype/Whatsapp and face to face residential. Parenting Chats by the Aga for local mums in #berkshire #buckinghamshire #surrey #london #oxfordshire see Eventbrite 

As a children’s therapist, I see a lot of children who are afraid to fail. It’s a real problem and you are in the best position to help your own child. Here’s what happens. 

This curve represents fear, fear of failure, not passing the 11+, fear of looking stupid, people laughing, parents being disappointed, not getting to the school they want to go to, or the university, fear of coming third in the race, not making the school team, not being in the popular crowd, not attracting the boy/girl …….…..the list seems endless. Children have such high expectations of themselves and are very quick to be self-critical and slow to recognise their gifts and skills, shrugging them off as unimportant. No matter how much praise we give them, ultimately they need to believe in themselves.

Whatever the situation your child is going through at the moment, there is a process. It starts with Position 1 when there is some fear of failure. If they opt out at that point or if you ‘rescue’ them by allowing them to opt out, they can safely return to the Low Fear place. They have escaped having to do that thing they fear but they don’t feel good about it. They know that they haven’t made the most of an opportunity, they’ve perhaps allowed others less good than them to take the opportunity and ultimately they have made it more difficult to take a challenge next time. They actually lower their ability to perform.
If however, you encourage them to push themselves they have the chance to move round to Position 2. Here they get a sense of having pushed themselves out of their comfort zone and are beginning to feel a bit brave. They are doing better than others who have dropped back down and if they’ve managed to get to this position on their own, then they are feeling quite empowered. You can notice this and comment on what skills they’ve used to make this initial push. It’s a bit uncomfortable at Position 2 and they will be feeling nervous. If this is the first time they’ve ventured out of their comfort zone it will seem a bit of a scary unfamiliar place.

Now they’re on their way to Position 3 where things feel more uncomfortable. They may experience butterflies or knots in the tummy, they may feel hot and cold alternately and they may be tempted to quit. Encourage them by reminding them how well they’re doing and how proud you are of them and importantly how proud they should be of how far they’ve come. Remind them of where they want to be, what they’re aiming for. I help children with the symptoms for fear by using metaphors.

This fear, it’s like what?
If it was an animal what animal would it be?
Can you pet this animal and calm it down?
Can you quieten it, stroke it, tell it you’re OK?
And breathe…..breathing is a great way of getting yourself in a calm place.
 
Use mindfulness by stopping and notice how your body feels:

What is my experience right now?
Breathe and notice your breathing by counting it out and in
Reconnect with the present

As they move into Position 4 they will be experiencing the worst of the fear and it’s really important that they hang on in there because if they give up at this stage they will feel really bad about themselves because they were so close to achieving what they want. If they are visual remind them how they will feel when they see the results of their efforts. If they are more auditory, remind them of how they’ll feel when they hear how well they’ve done. If they are kinaesthetic, remind them how they will feel.

As they do that they are now on their way to Position 5 and are experiencing a feeling of relief that the worst is over. They’ve done it and survived! It was terrible but they did it. It doesn’t matter what the result might be because they’ve challenged themselves and overcome the hurdles themselves. They’ve learnt something about themselves and they have recognised that they have skills they didn’t realise they had. They are now in a great position for whatever challenge comes up next.

Each of these stages is a decision point when you need to be there to support them with reminders about what specific skills it is that they need at that point. This might be about putting themselves forward for selection, it might be about approaching someone to make friends, trying a new club, deciding to say ‘no’ to someone. Invite your child to identify what the steps are in their particular fear journey. Ask them what (if anything) they need from you at each stage. What skill would be useful at that point, do they have it? The certainly do so perhaps you need to remind them where you’ve observed them using that skill.

Rescue them at any of these points and they drop back down to the position below and eventually to the LOW FEAR position from where it will be even harder to do anything challenging. By rescuing I don’t mean helping. Helping your child to find their own bravery and resourcefulness by giving them information and supporting them with your time and money these are not examples of rescuing. Rescuing is taking away the pain or the fear by allowing them to opt out of it completely. Examples I’ve heard of are changing schools because the child isn’t making friends, going into school to explain things to teachers that your child could have said, doing your child’s homework for them, writing your child’s personal statement for Uni, paying off your child’s mobile phone bill, tidying up your grown- up child’s bedroom and doing their washing etc. Basically rescuing is doing things for your child that, had they done them themselves, would have enabled them to feel good about themselves. In the context of fear of failure, rescuing is saving your child from the chance of failure. I hope I’ve shown that by doing this you are also saving your child from the success of overcoming it and experiencing self-esteem as a result.
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Judy Bartkowiak is the author of the Engaging NLP series of Workbooks, other NLP books including ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ and ‘Self-Esteem Workbook’. She offers workshops and individual consultation in Marlow or Burnham and via Skype. If you have a child taking the 11+ exam you might be interested in ‘Passing the 11+ with NLP’. If you email me I can send you a free PDF of the book judy@nlpkids.com

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