I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them. Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.
 
Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.
 
We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will of course find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do but others will find it hard some days.
 
It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.
 
In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.
However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.
 
When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok , they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need and tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.
 
Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast.
The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when they might encounter a sabre tooth tiger, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.
 
Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question send them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened. Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.
 
I also teach them how to do EFT Tapping and I have regular weekly groups for children, teens and parents every week. There they can drop in and tap with their own age group. They don’t have to even say what’s troubling them. They can put their mic on mute and even turn their camera off. They can send me a message in the chat box about what they want to tap on and I will include it in the process. We usually tap on missing friends, worrying about mum and dad, missing grandparents, annoying brothers and things like that.
 
If you think your child or teen would like to drop in just look for my Time To Tap Facebook group where you’ll find the session times under ‘events’. RSVP and I’ll send you the zoom link. If they would prefer a private session, I’m just charging £50 for a 45 minute private tapping session at the moment. The usual price for a consultation of an hour is £85 and first exploratory sessions of 90 minutes are £125.
If you’re not sure how I can help or just want a chat, please email me at judynlpeft@gmail.com
 
Have a look at my book page because NLP for Children, NLP for Tweens and NLP for Teens all have some great exercises and ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ will give you a good understanding of how to help children develop these essential emotional skills for life.
 
Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP Trainer, EFT Trainer, Owner of NLP & EFT Kids and author of many NLP books for families , teachers and practitioners. Her website is www.nlpfamily.com and Facebook Page is NLP Kids. Judy has been working with children and teens for 40 years, first as a Qualitative Market Research Consultant and then since 2000 as a Children’s Therapist and Trainer. Judy and her husband Edward have four grown up children, one grandchild, a rather shaggy retriever called Zebedee and 5 hens. They live in Taplow, Berkshire, UK.
 

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it.

“Having just one choice is no choice at all. The more choices you have, the more freedom you have to be in the driving seat of your car.” Steve Bannister

“The whole point of NLP is having more choice.” Richard Bandler

“You’re not just a leaf on the wind.” Anthony Robbins

“We are making hundreds, thousands even millions of unconscious choices every day about what we pay attention to and what we don’t. And this is fine, provided those choices work for us. However, if we are not getting the results we want, we can learn to make new choices until we find what does work.” Sue Knight

“Identifying, acknowledging, examining, and employing our parts, rules, and inner wisdom help us transform our internal process and deal with present circumstances. By removing our self-made limits, we expand our choices.” Virginia Satir

There may be situations in which you want choice, when you go out for a meal perhaps or in the boutique but in the rush of the morning you may prefer not to spend ages choosing what to wear or what to eat for breakfast. This means that you will be sliding up and down the scale depending on the situation. However, being aware of whether you want a choice or not can be helpful. If as you think about the situation presenting itself you decide whether choices will help or hinder the process you will work more efficiently. This is particularly the case when working with others.
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In a family situation it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

In the family you would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

There is always a choice, not just in terms of the ‘how’ but also a choice in how you ask. You can speak in rapport, using your child’s preferred language pattern – visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. If they are talking about what they don’t want e.g. “I don’t want to put on my shirt” mention something you don’t want in order to match them “and I don’t want to be late for the bus.” If they say ‘yes but’ or ‘no’ this is a mismatch pattern which you can still match for rapport by using the same pattern ‘yes but homework needs to be done first’ or ‘no, it has to be done first, then TV.

Learning about NLP means that we have choices based on more knowledge about ourselves and how we see our world and a better understanding of the other person’s world. We can then choose how we want to communicate with them.

Find out more about the NLP metaprogrammes and about how to apply NLP principles and techniques in your parenting. Maybe you'd like to talk with me about becoming an NLP Kids Practitioner yourself or learning about how to combine NLP with your existing job in teaching or other child-related work.  

As parents or teachers, carers of children, you have a very important role to play in giving them feedback. Feedback is a gift of love that shows you care about them and have an investment in their personal development. Can there be anything worse than being ignored? Children need to know that you’re paying attention to them and they want to know where they need to make changes because that’s your job as a parent, to guide them so they can achieve all they can in life. 

The giving and receiving of feedback is how we learn. At its simplest level a stand-up comedian will adapt his programme constantly to suit his audience with more of what they are clapping and cheering and less of what gets no reaction. We need to be a bit like the stand-up comedian and notice where we get a connection with our children when they do what we asked and being resourceful. When they are not we need to use feedback to get them back on track. We need to constantly be open and curious to what is working and getting a result, the result we want anyway! We are getting feedback from them and giving them feedback, it is a constant flow of energy and learning. 

Many people feel that they learn more from their mistakes than from successes. In fact, apparently pupils who struggled with maths at school become excellent maths teachers because they understand how to get it wrong. As parents we can be inclined to jump in and do things for our children, take responsibility for organising them and their free time, even decide when and where homework should be done. Allowing children to take responsibility from an early age means that they will make mistakes and our job is to allow them to do that and let them get the learning so that the next time they do it, they do it better. Encourage them to be curious because that is how children learn, by wanting to know more and to understand rather than being told.

Feedback is how they learn whether that is feedback in terms of a bad mark at school or school report, losing a tennis match or football game, losing a friend, missing the miss, getting a detention for homework not completed correctly; these are all feedback from which they will learn how to improve and get a better result. When these sort of things happen to children let them get the feedback rather than believing that unless you tell them they won’t know.

When we aren’t introduced to feedback as learning we can find ourselves taking it as criticism and becoming defensive or we feel a failure and lose self-esteem. You can show your children how to respond to feedback by how you demonstrate it yourself. The best way to show them how to respond is to pause, be curious about the learning and thank the giver of the feedback. 

Encourage children to give themselves feedback. We all, even children, have a nagging little inner voice that gets cross and tells us off but it needs to learn how to give feedback in a way that we can learn from it, not feel permanently stupid and lose confidence.
Here’s how to do it:
a)What specifically went well today? (3 things)
b)What could have been better? (1 thing)
c)How could I do that better next time?
d)Overall, what lessons have I learnt? 

 You can find more about feedback and tips for homeschoolers on my Facebook group and I've recorded several videos that talk about how to apply these NLP principles at a practical level. You'll find them on my You Tube channel

Kinaesthetics learn by doing, they need to physically experience the learning because they are active full body learners. You’ll see them fidgeting in classrooms when they have to sit still for long periods and they need to take a break regularly to run about and stretch. They’re usually quite sporty and in touch with their body and how it feels so they will be quite tactile and sensitive to the heat and cold. They will also be quite expressive. 

“If they are kinaesthetic, slow waaay dooown . Talk to them about feelings. Change your pace so that it matches theirs, and really get a feel for what they are communicating.” Terry Elston
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“What I hear, I forget. What I see, I remember. What I do, I understand.” Confucious 

Characteristics of kinaesthetic are that they will be active speakers and listeners and use facial expression, hand and body gestures and will fiddle and fidget when talking rather than the stiller pose of the auditory student. They refer to their ‘gut feelings’ and ‘being in touch’ with their feelings and may respond more emotionally to events than one might expect. Comfort and bodily temperature is important to them so extremes of heat and cold are not endured easily. It is important to them to be comfortable in their own skin, wear clothes that are comfortable rather than ones that look good (visual). Furniture is also bought for comfort rather than style.

They want to get ‘stuck in’ and do rather than watch or be told. It’s all about involvement physically and mentally. Given a new piece of equipment, rather than read the instructions they’ll just work it out for themselves by trial and error. They will get themselves from A to B by what feels like the right route rather than read a map or listen to the satnav. They will be conscious of atmosphere and want to be in rapport because not to be would feel so uncomfortable.

Physically they are very active and will want to stand much closer to you than you may be comfortable with but don’t move away as this will break rapport. They may want to touch your elbow or arm as you’re chatting and they will probably hug and kiss on greeting and leaving. They talk slowly , even slower than an auditory person and tend to look down as they speak as they get in touch with their emotions. Their choice of words will reflect their action and feelings orientation so expect to hear words like ‘feel’, ‘touch’, ‘get hold of’, ‘catch on to’, ‘get a handle on’ and ‘make contact with’. If you work with a kinaesthetic child, you’ll find that they need to be moving and learn best when they appear to be doing something else. Avoid static learning situations.  

Kinaesthetic learners learn by moving touching and doing. Hands-on learning is what they like best actively exploring the world around them. They will remember well what they have done but will have trouble remembering what was said or seen. Fiddling is second nature as is doodling  - why do one thing when you can do two? They’ll have trouble sitting still in a classroom so plenty of active breaks are needed as well as opportunities to move about through class activities such as group work or practical activities.

As a kinaesthetic student you may not be able to control your classroom environment or ask for breaks but there are things you can do to aid your learning. Use coloured highlighters to mark up your notes and use mind maps to transfer information into a form that makes it easier to remember.
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When you have subject choices choose subjects that are more practical or those that have practical elements such a Geography with field trips, science, drama, sport and design. At home when revising or doing homework use flash cards or memory games, interactive programmes on the computer in order to make the most of the material. Many computer based revision programmes offer multiple choice questions and these will suit you. 

I've taken this content from 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' a book I wrote a few years ago which has examples of NLP principles and techniques from all walks of life; work, home, school. sport, health. More specific family examples can be found in 'Be a happier parent with NLP'. Both are available from my website, Amazon and The Book Depository. 

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Whether as students of teachers we need to know which internal representation system we naturally prefer although flexibility is essential because very often we have to adapt to someone’s teaching or learning style that doesn’t come so easily to us. You are auditory if you prefer to learn by being told rather than reading off a white board or printed sheets or book. 

“If you want to get good rapport, you can speak using the same kind of predicates that the other person is using. If you want to alienate the other person, you can deliberately mismatch predicates.” Richard Bandler and John Grinder 

“Your students with the auditory learning style, about 20 per cent of your class, will also be your social butterflies, so it's important to make good usage of their strengths while dampening their need for social time during a lecture.” Kelly Roell

People who would describe themselves as auditory enjoy sounds and music but not noise as they want to control the sounds around them. They enjoy conversation and listening to other people talking such as radio plays and discussions. What people say is very important to them as well as the way they say it. There are two variations of auditory; auditory internal and auditory digital. They are both forms of self-talk. The voice behaves like an inner check to sound out whether what someone says is logical or makes sense. It’s like having your own personal radio in your head and can enable you to be slightly disassociated or disconnected because you don’t directly respond but check out first whether your response is ‘correct’. This can be useful in jobs where an emotional or unguarded response could be unwise such as in the Police or teaching.

Auditory learners learn best through spoken lessons either direct from a teacher in a classroom or via videos , CDs , DVDs MP3 audios , audio books and other online learning environments where there is a spoken word. They enjoy learning through discussion as well so they can assimilate what they’ve learned. Equally in the work environment an auditory boss will favour giving oral instructions and you will prefer being told what to do rather than receiving an email or text. We want to work in rapport so match your bosses preferred representational system and if you are auditory and he or she is not, ask him to tell you, explain it briefly or let you hear it from him. If they are auditory and you are not then you’ll need to write down what they say so you have a visual record to refer to if you are visual and if you are kinaesthetic then you may need to ask them to ‘run it by you again’ if you aren’t clear so ask them to ‘repeat it’.

 When communicating with an auditory learner use words like hear, listen, sound, question and resonate. In order to gain rapport with auditory learners or indeed an auditory teacher speak slowly and choose words carefully. The pitch should match theirs which will be fairly low with their breathing from the mid chest. They will look across not up or down and construct long sentences with questions because they like to interact. When you are talking it may look as if they are thinking about what they want to say next but they are probably just processing what you’ve said so leave a silence for them to get their thoughts and the right words together. If you jump into the silence you will break rapport by not enabling them to contribute to the conversation. 

For more information and ideas about parenting or educating (or both if you're reading this as a homeschooling parent, you can find plenty of information in 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' or 'Be a happier parent with NLP' both available via my website or from Amazon. 

65% of the population are visual learners and it is defined as ‘keeping pictures in our heads’, This is the first skill babies are tested for at 6 weeks when they are checked to find out if they recognise their mother. They do of course but if mum then puts on a pink curly wig they will cry because the picture doesn’t match the picture they’ve got in their head. We use our visual memory to create words and pictures, to do comprehension, revision, sequencing, mind mapping and for short term memory. When people learn visually they make pictures in their head and it is easiest when teaching visual learners to teach them through the pictures they generate. Indeed 90% of the information that comes into our brain is visual . They notice what they see and are very observant. They can easily switch from a 2D image and imagine the 3D version so for example they can see a picture of a house and then imagine it as 3D. Whilst this is an essential skill for architects and designers it can be quite confusing when children are learning to read and the 2D images of the letters become 3D and move about.

When children learn visually they see a picture of the word and associate it with the picture of the meaning of the word and if they are counting they visualise say two apples and three apples. In order to access their visual memory they need to look up so do this if you’re a visual learner and if you are a teacher be sure to tell children who learn visually to look up. Some teachers have been known to tell children gazing up into space ‘you won’t find the answer up there’ but actually they will.  

Words to use when teaching or communicating with a visual learner.

See, look, view, appear, show, reveal, imagine, clear, focused, hazy, picture.

When they ‘don’t see what you mean’ you will need to ‘show them again’.

Use diagrams, maps, mind maps, graphs , colours and pictures to teach visual learners and if you are the student, take what you are told and represent it visually to make it easier to learn. You probably already love drawing and doodling with colours so you’ll not need any prompting. You enjoy organising your notes into coloured folders or with file tabs and different colour dividers. Careers that will suit you will be artistic ones such as photography, video or film, design, planning, art, architecture and similar. 

How do you know if you’re visual?

Of course you won’t only be visual, you will have times when you are enjoying your auditory and kinaesthetic processing systems but you can check which your preferred one is quite easily by doing the following.

Thinking about yesterday, what comes to mind? Are you thinking about what you saw, what you heard or what you did?

When you think about your holiday plans do you imagine where you’d like to go, remember what people have told you about somewhere or think about what you’d like to do on holiday?  

In conversation with friends do you notice how they’re dressed and their facial expressions, do you pay attention to what they’re saying or do you notice what they’re doing?
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Picture an elephant. Is it still or moving, where is it? If you’re a visual learner you will have lots of information about that elephant going on in your head at the same time. You’ll also have a choice and can picture it in different locations, different sizes and doing different things quite easily because as a visual learner the image will probably be moving and changing all the time. In fact you may sometimes get confused when you have too many options and too many images in your head all at the same time.
Just as visual people pay attention to what they see and like to have nice things around them, they will be upset by untidiness or ugly buildings, unattractive people or unpleasant areas. If you find yourself feeling like that then you are probably visual.