Manifesting or Law of Attraction is all about wanting to draw to you what you want more of. 

It seems quite straight forward doesn't it. Ask the universe for what you want. 

Yet so many of us don't. 

Instead we worry about what might happen, expect the worst and experience anxiety as we dwell on what happened last time, fearing that the same thing will happen again. 

I work with a lot of clients who live in fear of what could happen. They are hyper vigilant like a meerkat on the look out constantly for what might be 'out there' ready to 'get them'. 

It could be a client who will not pay or be a 'no show', be difficult or over run. It could be a patient who will complain about their care or even attack them. Maybe the teacher will pick on them at school or someone will be mean to them in the playground. Your child will get a detention because you got in traffic. You won't get a parking space. You'll be late for your meeting. 

The list is endless isn't it? 

When we focus on our fears and our negative expectations, that's what we are visualising and what we focus on is what we get more of. Our brain is trying so hard to create that picture of what we don't want. 

What if instead we focus on what we DO want?

 When you catch yourself thinking about what you don't want, when you start to feel anxious, just STOP and ask yourself.

"Is this thought helpful?"

"Does this thought make me happy?"

"Will this thought have a positive outcome?"

And if the answer to any of these is 'no'. Ask yourself instead,

"What would a better thought be?"

​As you turn these unhelpful thoughts into helpful ones, positive outcomes, you will find that they actually do happen. Yes really! 

I know loads of youngsters have exams right now and will find it useful to have a tool to help them manage their anxiety. I recorded this video last year when the lockdown situation was also a worry but whatever the concerns, EFT Tapping will definitely help............and fast! 

I'm presenting a talk on EFT at the annual International NLP Conference tomorrow and have to own up to being pretty anxious myself. It is my first time presenting to my peers and this somehow makes it more scary! I shall definitely be doing some tapping myself. 

You can tap on any feeling you don't want and if you can't actually give it a name then you can just tap on "these feelings" or 'feeling bad" or whatever word they give it. You can even tap on "I don't know what I'm feeling" and you can tap silently if your child would prefer not to share what they're feeling. 

If you teach or assist in a school, consider tapping silently with the class. Here are the tapping points. We start at the top of the head and work down, continuing the process until they feel calm. You can see on the video above how to do it. 

​

My books give you a much more detailed description of both the process, variations for different issues and an explanation as to how it works. 

I think the best one for exam stress and anxiety is probably 'Empower your Kids! but if you're a teacher of coach, then 'Understanding children and teens' may be another good choice. 

I recorded a podcast on exam stress as well so this might also be helpful. 

Get in touch if you'd like to book a free 30 minute tapping session for your anxious teen. They don't have to use their camera or mic they only need to see me and mention in the chat the words that are coming up for them so I make sure the tapping addresses what they are feeling. 

Whether as students of teachers we need to know which internal representation system we naturally prefer although flexibility is essential because very often we have to adapt to someone’s teaching or learning style that doesn’t come so easily to us. You are auditory if you prefer to learn by being told rather than reading off a white board or printed sheets or book. 

“If you want to get good rapport, you can speak using the same kind of predicates that the other person is using. If you want to alienate the other person, you can deliberately mismatch predicates.” Richard Bandler and John Grinder 

“Your students with the auditory learning style, about 20 per cent of your class, will also be your social butterflies, so it's important to make good usage of their strengths while dampening their need for social time during a lecture.” Kelly Roell

People who would describe themselves as auditory enjoy sounds and music but not noise as they want to control the sounds around them. They enjoy conversation and listening to other people talking such as radio plays and discussions. What people say is very important to them as well as the way they say it. There are two variations of auditory; auditory internal and auditory digital. They are both forms of self-talk. The voice behaves like an inner check to sound out whether what someone says is logical or makes sense. It’s like having your own personal radio in your head and can enable you to be slightly disassociated or disconnected because you don’t directly respond but check out first whether your response is ‘correct’. This can be useful in jobs where an emotional or unguarded response could be unwise such as in the Police or teaching.

Auditory learners learn best through spoken lessons either direct from a teacher in a classroom or via videos , CDs , DVDs MP3 audios , audio books and other online learning environments where there is a spoken word. They enjoy learning through discussion as well so they can assimilate what they’ve learned. Equally in the work environment an auditory boss will favour giving oral instructions and you will prefer being told what to do rather than receiving an email or text. We want to work in rapport so match your bosses preferred representational system and if you are auditory and he or she is not, ask him to tell you, explain it briefly or let you hear it from him. If they are auditory and you are not then you’ll need to write down what they say so you have a visual record to refer to if you are visual and if you are kinaesthetic then you may need to ask them to ‘run it by you again’ if you aren’t clear so ask them to ‘repeat it’.

 When communicating with an auditory learner use words like hear, listen, sound, question and resonate. In order to gain rapport with auditory learners or indeed an auditory teacher speak slowly and choose words carefully. The pitch should match theirs which will be fairly low with their breathing from the mid chest. They will look across not up or down and construct long sentences with questions because they like to interact. When you are talking it may look as if they are thinking about what they want to say next but they are probably just processing what you’ve said so leave a silence for them to get their thoughts and the right words together. If you jump into the silence you will break rapport by not enabling them to contribute to the conversation. 

For more information and ideas about parenting or educating (or both if you're reading this as a homeschooling parent, you can find plenty of information in 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' or 'Be a happier parent with NLP' both available via my website or from Amazon. 

I've seen a lot of teenagers this week, both on Skype and here in my therapy room (my dining room in fact!) at home. The pressure is on, motivation is low and there's a lot of depression and anxiety in the air. 
So if this is what your home feels like right now, here are a few top tips to share with your kids.
#Alevels #gcse #revision #anxiety #stress #depression #teenagers#examstress
1. The fastest way to change state (mood) is to change your breathing so instead of going into your head and trying to battle it out there through reason and logic, instead - exercise (just run round the block, up and down stairs, skip) sing and dance to some music, laugh at a comedy show, breathe deeply do some yoga. 
2. Eat and sleep, drink plenty of water. Spend some time doing something for yourself that you love. Meet up with a friend, look after your emotional and physical needs. 
3. Visualise what a good result will look, sound and feel like. Can you imagine looking at your grade sheet, what would you like to see there? What will your parents say? How pleased will they be? How will you feel? Proud? Relieved? 
4. Chunk down (take your revision a bit at a time, one topic, one aspect) and take these small bites with a break in between. Then chunk up - what does it mean to have done that chunk? You're a step closer to being prepared for the exam. Chunk up again - you're on your way to college, uni apprenticeship. 
5. Set your compelling outcome for the day, what topics you want to do (be specific) set achievable goals factoring in some 'me time' and focus on what you want to achieve, set 'towards' goals. 
6. Instead of comparing yourself with others (external referencing) focus on how much more prepared you are yourself as each day passes. 
7. To gain extra focus do the 9 step gamut process. Eyes up, eyes down, eyes left, eyes right, roll eyes clockwise, eyes anticlockwise, hum, count 1-9, and hum. This will wake up both left and right side of your brain. Healthier than coffee or Red Bull!

Exams are stressful, for adults and for children. The pressure to succeed, to get good results can put even the hardiest of grownups in a spin. Below are my NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) tips and techniques to help your child through the exam period avoiding the pitfalls of stress, doubt and anxiety.
 
Anchor a good learning state
Children (and grown-ups) can tend to get themselves in a state and having the ability to change that state is a very useful tool! Teach them how to Anchor a good state.
Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a moment they were really pleased with life or proud of themselves and ask them to squeeze their earlobe and capture the moment. Tell them that every time they are feeling on top of the world, then when they are feeling stressed or sad they can repeat that physical action and it will remind them what it’s like to feel good about themselves again. Details here.
 
Feel Confident
One reason why children don’t always feel confident is that they compare themselves with other children, usually ones who are better at something then them. Encourage them to compare themselves with how they were last month, or last term, so they can see how much they have improved in something. 

Remind yourself of your skills
Children very easily notice someone who can do something they can’t do, getting top marks or doing a handstand. They don’t so easily notice what they themselves do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.
Ask your child what person they want to be like, and then ask in what ways are they already like them? “If you can spot it, you’ve got it” is an NLP saying. It means we can easily recognize qualities in others that we have in ourselves. Point this out to your child where and when you have observed this quality in them.

Talk ‘Positive’
Switch their negative talk to positive. Children are inclined to use generalisations and distortions such as ‘everyone is better than me’. Ask them ‘Who exactly?’ and ‘How are they better?’ to encourage them to see the situation more realistically. Another way to switch to more positive orientation is to notice whether they talk about what they want or what they don’t want. Working ‘towards’ rather than ‘away from’ things tends to result in a more confident result.
 
 How does your child learn? Revamping revision strategy
Working out how best your child learns can really help them build confidence and get results.

Visual learners tend to speak fast, remember what they saw not heard, notice their surroundings, are good at thinking ahead, good readers, tend to doodle, like reading themselves (rather than being read to) answer questions briefly, would rather be shown than told, sometimes stumble over finding the right words, are not really bothered by noise.
Revision Tips: Visual children should use sticky notes, mind maps, lists, read and make notes. This will help them visualise the exam.

Auditory learners can be easily distracted by noise, like to read out loud, speak well, find writing difficult, learn by talking, love discussion, talk to themselves, more musical than arty, tend to speak in rhythmic patterns, are good mimics, can spell better out loud than by writing it down.
Revision tips: Auditory children should get a revision buddy to rest them verbally. This will help recall what they said as the answered the questions.

Kinaesthetic learners respond well to physical rewards, stand close when speaking to someone, learn by doing, want to act things out, move hands when speaking, speak slowly, like games, have messy handwriting, use action words, are physical and fidgety.
Revision tips: Kinaesthetic children should use computer programs for bite size revision. Interacting and testing themselves – the act of physically doing something- will help reinforce the facts they need.

Chunk down, to avoid overwhelm
Children, just like adults, have a preference for information presented either in details (small chunks) or in general (big chunks). If you present it in the ‘wrong’ way it can be difficult for them to process. Be aware of your own preference (too much detail! Not enough details) and see how your child responds. Perhaps they chunk differently to you. Then apply this to revision, help them split up the learning they need to do into a format that works for them.
 
 
Overcoming limiting beliefs
If your child is adamant they can’t do the exam, that they will fail then we can challenge that limiting belief and overcome it. Argue with the negative voice and question it. Sit down with your child and ask them ‘What if you could?’ Follow this with other phrases that focus on achieving their goal ‘What would it look like?’ What would it sound like?’ What would it feel like?’ By asking these questions of our children we associate with their goals. This means we get them to acknowledge that not only that they can happen, but that they will, because they can only happen if we visualise them. If we can imagine it happening then it will happen.

Mindfulness to ease anxiety
 
Children and teenagers need to learn how to mindfully choose what to focus on rather than allowing themselves to get distracted by worries and fears, anger and stress.
Mindfulness can enable you to stand back and review your patterns, the way you respond to situations that may not be terribly helpful. In a sense you are giving yourself therapy but it isn't about talk, it's silent meditation where your breathing is your focus and anchors the calm state where you can notice the thoughts, name them, accept that your mind will wander, and gently and kindly without judgement, bring yourself back to the present.
If you're interested in having a go and experiencing mindfulness - download the free Headspace app. 
 
If you’d like to know more about what I do or my new Exam Stress Buster courses, which consist of 4 x skype sessions please get in touch. judy@nlpkids.com  07917 451245

It’s that time of year again. I feel I’ve had school age children forever! My eldest is 29 and youngest 16 so I’ve long been programmed to think of this time of year as the ‘New Year’ and I start getting my ‘resolutions’ or ‘goals’ sorted out ready for the off.

NLP goal setting tends to be referred to as ‘setting compelling outcomes’ and I do this with my child clients. A compelling outcome is one that:

• they really really want
• is specific and ‘small chunk’ so they know what they’re aiming for
• they have the skills to achieve
• will make a significant difference in their life
• is so real they can imagine it happening

Let’s take these in turn.

Choosing the goal 

•  It’s no good suggesting what children should choose as their goal. It’s tempting to pass on goals their teacher has suggested from their end of year report. Maybe you’ve discussed things they could work on. However, the very best, most compelling goals are those they come up with themselves. Even if they say their goal is to be in the 1st team for football, working towards that goal will build skills and confidence they can apply in all areas.
• They need to list all their ideas and get them all out for inspection. Then go back through them
  • Are they all worded as ‘towards’ goals – what they do want not what they want to avoid
  • Is each one realistic, can they actually do this?
  • Is it in their control?
• If they give each a score out of 10 for how much they want this goal, which would score 10 out of 10?

 
Chunking down the goal 

• When we word our goals in a vague way e.g. “I want to get better marks in maths” it isn’t specific. There’s no clear sense of what ‘better’ will be and when they will have achieved it. Instead, set a specific goal that is small enough to go for with confidence that it is achievable, then set another goal afterwards.

  
The skills to achieve 

• What skills do they need to achieve the goal? They need to make a list.
• Where do they have these skills? They might have them in their sport or hobby or in another school subject.

 
Making a significant difference 

• We want our children to be happy, don’t we? In order for it to be compelling, the goal needs to make them happy. If it won’t, then choose another goal.

 
Visualising the goal 

• Ask them to close their eyes and look up to the right (this connects with the future in their brain) and picture themselves having achieved this goal. Encourage them to hear what they hear, see what they see and feel what they feel as they achieve their compelling outcome. If they can’t imagine it then it is not as compelling as they think.
• What would it be like to achieve their goal? Can they find a picture to reflect it? Use that as their phone background to remind themselves daily of how great it will be to achieve their goal.
• Strike a power pose to integrate the goal through their body – like Usain Bolt. 

I make different sets of goals. They can too,

• Personal goals (hobbies and sport mostly)
• Work goals
• Relationship goals

If you feel your child or young person would benefit from a guided Skype session for goal setting or if you’d like me to help you with this, you can book a one-hour session with free follow-up using this link http://www.nlpfamily.com/consultations.html

I’ll also be running workshops on Friday 1st September and Saturday 2nd email for details judy@nlpkids.com

If you’d like to train as an NLP Kids Practitioner with me, find out more. http://www.nlpfamily.com/practitioner-training.html

​Buy my workbooks for children, tweens and teens (parents and teachers too!) http://www.nlpfamily.com/engaging-nlp-series.html

How can we support our children and teenagers as they enter the summer term, many facing important exams?

At this time of year children are preparing for important exams and the next stage in their young lives. How can we help them to feel confident about these changes and prepare them to be resourceful even when we are not around?

1. They need to be internally referenced. Rather than being influenced by those around them and relying on others for reassurance and praise, encourage them to check in with their own values before making decisions. Ask them, ‘what do you think?’, ‘What do you think you could do?’
2. We tend to praise our children a great deal nowadays but how specific are you with your feedback? Make your observations full and detailed in order that they learn to acknowledge their strengths and build their self confidence. Say ‘I noticed how well you ………….’.
3. Show them how to anchor a resourceful state so when they feel overwhelmed they can access a calm and confident state.

• Ask them to choose an action they can use as their anchor such as squeezing their earlobe.
• Now ask them to think of a time when they felt really brave, confident, strong and in control. You will want to use their own words for the resource they need to anchor.
• When they have thought of a really good example of the feeling they want; ask them to close their eyes and imagine themselves in that situation now where the feeling was strongest. Tell them to do the action when it is at its height and remove the action as the memory fades away.
• You can build on their memory by prompting them with
  • How does it feel?
  • Who is there?
  • What are you thinking?
  • What are you doing?
• They should repeat this 3 or 4 times until the action and the memory are linked firmly in their mind.

1. Invite them to use a metaphor for how they are feeling at the moment. ‘Preparing for these exams is like what?’ When you understand how they are feeling, you will know what skills and resources you can anchor with them and what feedback will be most helpful.
2. Lastly, avoid generalising, deleting and distorting e.g. ‘You make me so cross when I see you messing around rather than revising’ (distortion)or ‘You will wish you’d worked harder’ (distortion) ‘you aren’t doing any revision’ (deletion) or ‘All your friends will be working hard revising’ (generalisation).

Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP Kids and Teen specialist and can be contacted on 01628 660618. Her website is www.nlpkids.com. Judy is the author of Engaging NLP for Teens. Book a Skype session for your young person or a Confidence and Resilience programme of four one hour sessions.