Exams are stressful, for adults and for children. The pressure to succeed, to get good results can put even the hardiest of grownups in a spin. Below are my NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) tips and techniques to help your child through the exam period avoiding the pitfalls of stress, doubt and anxiety.
 
Anchor a good learning state
Children (and grown-ups) can tend to get themselves in a state and having the ability to change that state is a very useful tool! Teach them how to Anchor a good state.
Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a moment they were really pleased with life or proud of themselves and ask them to squeeze their earlobe and capture the moment. Tell them that every time they are feeling on top of the world, then when they are feeling stressed or sad they can repeat that physical action and it will remind them what it’s like to feel good about themselves again. Details here.
 
Feel Confident
One reason why children don’t always feel confident is that they compare themselves with other children, usually ones who are better at something then them. Encourage them to compare themselves with how they were last month, or last term, so they can see how much they have improved in something. 

Remind yourself of your skills
Children very easily notice someone who can do something they can’t do, getting top marks or doing a handstand. They don’t so easily notice what they themselves do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.
Ask your child what person they want to be like, and then ask in what ways are they already like them? “If you can spot it, you’ve got it” is an NLP saying. It means we can easily recognize qualities in others that we have in ourselves. Point this out to your child where and when you have observed this quality in them.

Talk ‘Positive’
Switch their negative talk to positive. Children are inclined to use generalisations and distortions such as ‘everyone is better than me’. Ask them ‘Who exactly?’ and ‘How are they better?’ to encourage them to see the situation more realistically. Another way to switch to more positive orientation is to notice whether they talk about what they want or what they don’t want. Working ‘towards’ rather than ‘away from’ things tends to result in a more confident result.
 
 How does your child learn? Revamping revision strategy
Working out how best your child learns can really help them build confidence and get results.

Visual learners tend to speak fast, remember what they saw not heard, notice their surroundings, are good at thinking ahead, good readers, tend to doodle, like reading themselves (rather than being read to) answer questions briefly, would rather be shown than told, sometimes stumble over finding the right words, are not really bothered by noise.
Revision Tips: Visual children should use sticky notes, mind maps, lists, read and make notes. This will help them visualise the exam.

Auditory learners can be easily distracted by noise, like to read out loud, speak well, find writing difficult, learn by talking, love discussion, talk to themselves, more musical than arty, tend to speak in rhythmic patterns, are good mimics, can spell better out loud than by writing it down.
Revision tips: Auditory children should get a revision buddy to rest them verbally. This will help recall what they said as the answered the questions.

Kinaesthetic learners respond well to physical rewards, stand close when speaking to someone, learn by doing, want to act things out, move hands when speaking, speak slowly, like games, have messy handwriting, use action words, are physical and fidgety.
Revision tips: Kinaesthetic children should use computer programs for bite size revision. Interacting and testing themselves – the act of physically doing something- will help reinforce the facts they need.

Chunk down, to avoid overwhelm
Children, just like adults, have a preference for information presented either in details (small chunks) or in general (big chunks). If you present it in the ‘wrong’ way it can be difficult for them to process. Be aware of your own preference (too much detail! Not enough details) and see how your child responds. Perhaps they chunk differently to you. Then apply this to revision, help them split up the learning they need to do into a format that works for them.
 
 
Overcoming limiting beliefs
If your child is adamant they can’t do the exam, that they will fail then we can challenge that limiting belief and overcome it. Argue with the negative voice and question it. Sit down with your child and ask them ‘What if you could?’ Follow this with other phrases that focus on achieving their goal ‘What would it look like?’ What would it sound like?’ What would it feel like?’ By asking these questions of our children we associate with their goals. This means we get them to acknowledge that not only that they can happen, but that they will, because they can only happen if we visualise them. If we can imagine it happening then it will happen.

Mindfulness to ease anxiety
 
Children and teenagers need to learn how to mindfully choose what to focus on rather than allowing themselves to get distracted by worries and fears, anger and stress.
Mindfulness can enable you to stand back and review your patterns, the way you respond to situations that may not be terribly helpful. In a sense you are giving yourself therapy but it isn't about talk, it's silent meditation where your breathing is your focus and anchors the calm state where you can notice the thoughts, name them, accept that your mind will wander, and gently and kindly without judgement, bring yourself back to the present.
If you're interested in having a go and experiencing mindfulness - download the free Headspace app. 
 
If you’d like to know more about what I do or my new Exam Stress Buster courses, which consist of 4 x skype sessions please get in touch. judy@nlpkids.com  07917 451245

It’s that time of year again. I feel I’ve had school age children forever! My eldest is 29 and youngest 16 so I’ve long been programmed to think of this time of year as the ‘New Year’ and I start getting my ‘resolutions’ or ‘goals’ sorted out ready for the off.

NLP goal setting tends to be referred to as ‘setting compelling outcomes’ and I do this with my child clients. A compelling outcome is one that:

• they really really want
• is specific and ‘small chunk’ so they know what they’re aiming for
• they have the skills to achieve
• will make a significant difference in their life
• is so real they can imagine it happening

Let’s take these in turn.

Choosing the goal 

•  It’s no good suggesting what children should choose as their goal. It’s tempting to pass on goals their teacher has suggested from their end of year report. Maybe you’ve discussed things they could work on. However, the very best, most compelling goals are those they come up with themselves. Even if they say their goal is to be in the 1st team for football, working towards that goal will build skills and confidence they can apply in all areas.
• They need to list all their ideas and get them all out for inspection. Then go back through them
  • Are they all worded as ‘towards’ goals – what they do want not what they want to avoid
  • Is each one realistic, can they actually do this?
  • Is it in their control?
• If they give each a score out of 10 for how much they want this goal, which would score 10 out of 10?

 
Chunking down the goal 

• When we word our goals in a vague way e.g. “I want to get better marks in maths” it isn’t specific. There’s no clear sense of what ‘better’ will be and when they will have achieved it. Instead, set a specific goal that is small enough to go for with confidence that it is achievable, then set another goal afterwards.

  
The skills to achieve 

• What skills do they need to achieve the goal? They need to make a list.
• Where do they have these skills? They might have them in their sport or hobby or in another school subject.

 
Making a significant difference 

• We want our children to be happy, don’t we? In order for it to be compelling, the goal needs to make them happy. If it won’t, then choose another goal.

 
Visualising the goal 

• Ask them to close their eyes and look up to the right (this connects with the future in their brain) and picture themselves having achieved this goal. Encourage them to hear what they hear, see what they see and feel what they feel as they achieve their compelling outcome. If they can’t imagine it then it is not as compelling as they think.
• What would it be like to achieve their goal? Can they find a picture to reflect it? Use that as their phone background to remind themselves daily of how great it will be to achieve their goal.
• Strike a power pose to integrate the goal through their body – like Usain Bolt. 

I make different sets of goals. They can too,

• Personal goals (hobbies and sport mostly)
• Work goals
• Relationship goals

If you feel your child or young person would benefit from a guided Skype session for goal setting or if you’d like me to help you with this, you can book a one-hour session with free follow-up using this link http://www.nlpfamily.com/consultations.html

I’ll also be running workshops on Friday 1st September and Saturday 2nd email for details judy@nlpkids.com

If you’d like to train as an NLP Kids Practitioner with me, find out more. http://www.nlpfamily.com/practitioner-training.html

​Buy my workbooks for children, tweens and teens (parents and teachers too!) http://www.nlpfamily.com/engaging-nlp-series.html

How can we support our children and teenagers as they enter the summer term, many facing important exams?

At this time of year children are preparing for important exams and the next stage in their young lives. How can we help them to feel confident about these changes and prepare them to be resourceful even when we are not around?

1. They need to be internally referenced. Rather than being influenced by those around them and relying on others for reassurance and praise, encourage them to check in with their own values before making decisions. Ask them, ‘what do you think?’, ‘What do you think you could do?’
2. We tend to praise our children a great deal nowadays but how specific are you with your feedback? Make your observations full and detailed in order that they learn to acknowledge their strengths and build their self confidence. Say ‘I noticed how well you ………….’.
3. Show them how to anchor a resourceful state so when they feel overwhelmed they can access a calm and confident state.

• Ask them to choose an action they can use as their anchor such as squeezing their earlobe.
• Now ask them to think of a time when they felt really brave, confident, strong and in control. You will want to use their own words for the resource they need to anchor.
• When they have thought of a really good example of the feeling they want; ask them to close their eyes and imagine themselves in that situation now where the feeling was strongest. Tell them to do the action when it is at its height and remove the action as the memory fades away.
• You can build on their memory by prompting them with
  • How does it feel?
  • Who is there?
  • What are you thinking?
  • What are you doing?
• They should repeat this 3 or 4 times until the action and the memory are linked firmly in their mind.

1. Invite them to use a metaphor for how they are feeling at the moment. ‘Preparing for these exams is like what?’ When you understand how they are feeling, you will know what skills and resources you can anchor with them and what feedback will be most helpful.
2. Lastly, avoid generalising, deleting and distorting e.g. ‘You make me so cross when I see you messing around rather than revising’ (distortion)or ‘You will wish you’d worked harder’ (distortion) ‘you aren’t doing any revision’ (deletion) or ‘All your friends will be working hard revising’ (generalisation).

Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP Kids and Teen specialist and can be contacted on 01628 660618. Her website is www.nlpkids.com. Judy is the author of Engaging NLP for Teens. Book a Skype session for your young person or a Confidence and Resilience programme of four one hour sessions.