Notice the finger pointing in this image below and the way Cinderella puts her hand to her heart in a 'what me?' pose? 

Here we have what Stephen Karpman calls the 'Persecutor' and 'Victim' roles. The 'victim' is a role we choose to adopt when we feel helpless and hopeless, we have no power at this time and in this situation. The person or situation we hold responsible for feeling like this, is the persecutor. In the case of the Cinderella story, it would be the ugly stepsisters and the stepmother. The finger pointing and the shouting indicate the 'persecutor' role. The persecutor role can also be occupied by a situation or condition such as 'covid', 'having ADHD', 'exams', 'lack of money' and so on. 

The third role in the triangle is the 'rescuer'. Like the 'persecutor' the rescuer has power. The 'rescuer' is the 'fixer'. They choose how to resolve the problem, taking power away from the 'victim' and although initially the 'victim' may be relieved and grateful, they soon realise that they now feel even more useless, having had their problem fixed rather than persevering and finding their own solution. 

Notice in the image below how the 'rescuer' is being comforting and the 'victim' is at a lower level, with her head in the lap of the 'rescuer'. 

The triangle is called a 'two up, one down' triangle, reflecting where the power is held.  

So why am I explaining this triangle to you? 

Have you ever felt like the 'persecutor', getting angry perhaps, shouting, pointing your finger, blaming? 

Of course you have. 

So have your children at one time or another, haven't they? 

But what happened just before they stepped into that role? 

Usually we experience 'victim' just before. 

Think about it. You've done everything for the family, you feel tired and stressed. It feels like no-one appreciates all you're doing. In that moment, we feel like Cinderella don't we? Our 'ball' may be a cup of tea with a friend, a relaxing bath, some time at the gym, an evening out with friends' but we can't go. We may blame 'covid' or 'the situation' but we're feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

In that place, it doesn't take much to trigger us into feeling angry. We move into 'persecutor' and shout, slam a door, or whatever we can do in that moment to be seen and heard because that is our basic human need.

The kids or your partner, move into 'victim' - "what did I do?' (see first image) and you feel guilty for losing your temper and move into 'rescuer' to apologise and may give them a hug (second image).

Another common situation is where your child steps into 'victim' saying they can't do their schoolwork, don't have any friends, miss their friends, feel bored and fed up perhaps. As loving parents, we step into 'rescuer' to fix this, coming up with suggestions, making plans, solving the problem. At some level they are thankful but may then become annoyed at your attempts and stomp off to their room, moving into 'persecutor'. We may bring them a cup of tea saying "I was only trying to help" (rescuer). But they may say 'go away" and you then move into 'victim' feeling sorry for yourself, after all you meant well. 

Your own family situations will vary of course but the essence is that 
- we move around the triangle
- we can occupy any of these roles in any situation
- no-one actually gets their needs met

I hope the diagram below shows this.

My new book, 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents', shows how to do something different. By accessing the relevant chapter; anxiety, anger, change, fear, friendships, learning struggles, sleep and so on, you will find a range of coaching tools to enable you to help your child without fixing. By guiding them through a exercise, explained in full, you give them the power to resolve their problem and feel good about themselves. They can now step away from the 'victim' role and feel confident and resilient, proud of themselves. You become a coach rather than a 'rescuer' and you meet your own needs of helping your child but in a different way that enables them to feel empowered, not have power taken away. 

This book will be a great reference book for parents of school-age children. 

I hope this short video goes some way to introducing myself to you so you learn what I do, what is important to me and what I bring to my writing, training and coaching. 

I have been very busy over the last year writing two books, I can hardly believe it myself! 

The first came out in November and it is primarily aimed at those of you who work professionally with children who are experiencing problems. 

You'll find chapters on every NLP and EFT technique, how to use Art and mix it up with EFT to do picture tapping. Every exercise and technique is explained in detail and I've included examples to show how I've used the techniques with children and teens. 

If you are a parent this book will also be helpful although if you're not so interested in the NLP and EFT theory and want to simply help your child with fear or anxiety, anger, low self-esteem or coping with change, learning etc then my next book is for you! 

It's called 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents.' The first part covers more general parenting use of NLP and EFT to improve communication with your child or teen. The second part takes every issue, a chapter at a time and talks you through techniques that will help as well as tapping scripts for each. 

I don't have any copies of this yet but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Once I have copies you can buy it from my bookshop. 

If you're looking for workbooks that your children can use to learn basic NLP and EFT techniques to help them with confidence, learning, resilience, anxiety and so on then buy them the Engaging NLP workbooks. You'll find each one gives you an extract so you can decide if they will be able to understand and enjoy the material.  

I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them.

Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.

Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.

We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will, of course, find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do, but others will find it hard some days.

It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.

In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.

However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.

When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok, they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need to tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.

Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast. The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when there might be a sabre tooth tiger around the corner, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.

Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question sends them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened.

Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say, ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.

So now we understand and can help children understand, what can we do to help them?

1. Remind them that they are brave and resourceful. Focusing on when they are anxious and looking at them in that concerned and loving way we do as parents, simply draws attention to a state of mind that they don’t want. We are people of influence so what we do shows them where they also need to out their attention. Instead, mark out times when they are brave, smart, resourceful, creative anything positive.
2. Make a mindfulness jar. Take an empty jam jar and fill it with water. Invite them to choose different colour glitter for each of their thoughts – worrying thoughts, sad thoughts, happy thoughts, cross thoughts and so on. They can add the colour glitter representing each emotion into the water. Close the top and shake. Sit and watch as the glitter whirls around like their busy worried mind and then watch quietly as it settles just like their thoughts will do when they breathe deeply and slowly, noticing the worrying thoughts but letting them settle.
3. Self-compassion break. Invite them to put their hands on their chest and tune in to how they feel (this is a great one for you too!)

“I feel……………..”
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say:
“Children/Mums/Dads/Teachers all over the world are feeling this right now.”
Then take your hands back to your chest and say:
“And what I need now is……………”
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.

1. Five finger breathing. Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Encourage them to write in it every day before they go to bed. Ask them to make a short note of what they are grateful for from that day. Many children are struggling with sleep at the moment and it is worse at night, alone in the dark worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I like to ask them to write three things to encourage them to be curious to find things they’re grateful for and ideally something specific not simply ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ but something they specifically noticed and were grateful for. Again you might like to do this too. Remember they will pick up on how you are… no matter how much you think you’re hiding it!

About the author
Judy Bartkowiak is an International NLP and EFT Trainer for parents, teachers and existing Practitioners/Coaches/Therapists. She shares her passion and skills in working with children and teens through training and has written myriad books on the subject. Judy owns and runs NLP & EFT Kids, which is a family coaching practice in Berkshire, England. Clients are typically children aged four to 18 years, their parents and sometimes the whole family.
Understanding Children & Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers & Coaches By Judy Bartkowiak

I had all sorts of ideas about what I wanted to write about today and then I got distracted by a whole load of things I knew I needed to do, my 'to do' list. I love what I do and pride myself on being able to do something active most days in addition to my dog walk. I also make time to read and do yoga but the down-side of all these things is that the work stuff gets squished and then I get stressed because I haven't really allowed enough time for it. Obviously clients get their time, as do my students but it's the other stuff we have to do to keep the business vibrant and visible, social media posts, articles and of course, in my case, writing books. But today, i'm going rogue and writing just about how I'm feeling right now, which is overwhelmed. 

So what does a coach, whose business it is to help clients with their overwhelm, do to ease her own? 

1. My 'go to' is journalling. Many call it 'morning pages' although in truth I tend to write my journal at the end of the day as a 'wind down' from work and 'ease into' the evening or family time. I just sit with a cup of tea or a G&T and I write. I offload all the busy thoughts and once they are on the page, they are gone! 
2. On a really bad day of overwhelm I might have a bubble bath, close my eyes and just 'be'. Then I might take myself to bed for a nap. I 'ok' that on the basis that I am an early bird and am often working at 7am so an afternoon nap seems perfectly acceptable and a good way to get some rest before whatever I'm doing that evening. 
3. I tap. EFT tapping clears the energy pathways, leaving me feeling freed up and in flow again. I start tapping on the karate chop point, saying whatever I'm feeling. I might say "Even though I feel overwhelmed right now, i love and accept myself anyway." I say this three times and focus on where I'm feeling it in the body and the colour. Then I gently tap around the tapping points.
​

As I tap on each point, I say a reminder phrase such as "so much to do" , "feel out of control", "tired", "overwhelmed", and so on, depending on what has triggered the feeling. 
I soon begin to feel relaxed and more able to function at my best. 
4. I love music, I find if I put on my favourite radio station 'Magic FM' there's always some great music to dance to, so assuming no-one is around, I sing and dance in my kitchen and this also helps me feel happy and able to cope. 
5. I call my mum! My mum is 93yrs of age and is disabled but she manages well on her own. When I speak to her, I realise that what is overwhelming me is really quite trivial compared to what she has to cope with especially in recent months with lockdown. Even putting on her shoes and getting dressed in the morning takes her ages and she needs to rest afterwards. She is delighted by simple things like the sun shining, someone putting their head round the door to see if she's ok, a new flower out in the garden or an interesting radio programme. She's always happy to speak to me and I, her. Talking about nature, being in nature and thinking of simple pleasures like the kindness of neighbours gets me grounded again to what's really important. 

I'd love to say that yoga and mindfulness help me and indeed they do but when I'm really in full overwhelm, I need the above five things. Once I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed I am happy to spend time doing yoga or pilates, tennis, cycling and all the other lovely exercise activities but I am not an expert in yoga so it isn't relaxing. Perhaps it will be one day! I do mindful meditations and use essential oils before I go to bed and find that a great way to end my day. 

I'd love to hear what you do. 

Very shortly, children will be putting on their school uniform again, new shoes perhaps and they will be heading off to school. Teachers, throughly briefed and prepared will be excitedly waiting for them to bring those empty classrooms to life again with their laughter and chatter. But whilst on the face of it, things will be as close as possible to 'normal', undoubtedly each child and teacher will bring their own niggles, concerns, wobbles. Children inevitably pick up on parents' anxiety and however excited they may seem about their children going back to school, knowing they need to be there for everyone's mental health, there may be some natural loving concerns about how those first days will go. 

Even without Covid, first days back at school can be quite challenging. Who will they be sitting next to? Will their new teacher be kind? Will they make friends? Will the work be hard? 

There will be times during the day, arrival, playground, registration, moving between classrooms, subject changes, break time, lunch time, changing rooms for PE and end of the day, when there is potential for anxious wobbly feeling, butterflies in the tummy, sick feelings, headaches. 

EFT Tapping derives from ancient Chinese medicine which focuses on the body's meridians running throughout the body sending energy through all the organs. When we tap on points on these meridians we clear any blockages which are believed to be caused by negative thoughts and feelings which disrupt the energy flow. It works a bit like acupuncture (only without the needles!) or reflexology. In standard EFT we say aloud what we are feeling as we tap but this would be very noisy in a classroom so we tap silently whilst we focus our minds on those feelings. 

I suggest this is led by the teacher initially but as children get used to how good it feels to get that sense of calm and be in a great learning state, children will start tapping as soon as they sit down at their desks. Children can even initiate it when they sense that their class needs to settle. 

I'm running a series of free training events for teachers, the first of which is Wednesday 2nd September at 7pm. You can sign up on Eventbrite. https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/silent-tapping-technique-for-a-calm-classroom-and-children-ready-to-learn-tickets-118120155565

This process is described in detail in the book, 'Do the Nattylala' by Phil Reed and Annie Moodliar. It is a great book which goes into the background of EFT and tapping, how it works and how Annie used it in her classroom with great success. 

​I want to tell you about EFT because it is now an important ingredient in my NLP Kids Practitioner Training course and in my kids coaching practice. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I use EFT with 90% of my clients – children, teens, mums and dads, couples and singles. Everyone gets the chance to connect to their feelings and clear those that block them from being who they want to be.

EFT developed out of TFT (Thought Field Therapy) which was discovered by Dr Roger Callahan in the 1980s when he was using the Chinese Meridian points with his patients, tapping on the meridian point that connected to their pain or illness. One of his students, Gary Craig further developed it by reducing the tapping points and creating a simple sequence which became known as the Emotional Freedom Technique in 1990. So whilst it is based on ancient Chinese medicine, the protocol is relatively new compared to NLP.
Whilst NLP would not be described as a ‘talking therapy’, like CBT of Counselling, EFT is an ‘energy healing modality’ which means that there is very little talking and what there is, is what we call ‘clean language’ because we use a series of questions to ‘set up’ the process and then just tap on the points and say the client’s words. We don’t even need to know what it is we are tapping with them on!

What I totally love about EFT though is the lack of story, the lack of content and how it goes straight to the pain, the grief, anger, sadness without the back story. These techniques enable us to work content - free (story – free) . There are a number of reasons why I might want to do this.

Clients who are totally into their head, all the chatter, the story, the ‘who did what and when’ and the history of the issue. My first thought is to start where you are right now. Start with the feeling about all of this story. “When you think of all this that you want me to know, what is the feeling, where is it in your body, what’s the colour?”  and we get tapping.

This approach gets you into your subconscious mind connecting with the emotions. Working with mums, we need to get back to your own childhood to help you with your relationship with your children. This means there is a lot of story and the bit I need is buried in your subconscious mind. It will be about what you made something mean when they were too young to understand the story. The shock at the time sent you  into ‘freeze’ and you formed that core belief that you then live out, attracting evidence of its truth throughout your life. Rather than hearing all these examples, it is much more efficient and respectful of your time, I feel, to get straight into the feeling and tap on those negative feelings to clear them.

It would be great to say that we can get rid of negative core beliefs in one session of tapping and we often can when we work with children as their belief was imprinted quite recently but for adults it will take more sessions, more time and many more visits to those early memories and the various different aspects of them.

Mums and dads and teachers are people of influence. What we say, matters. Sadly and completely unintentionally we say something in a moment of anger which may be completely unrelated to our child but because of the influence we have, they create in that moment a UDIN.
A UDIN is
Unexpected
Dramatic
Isolating
For which we have - No strategy

When clients are in emotional overwhelm. You just don’t know what you feel any more. There are so many emotions and you can’t see a way forward. You will be tearful and tired, feeling like you can barely function. By using this approach, I can  give you a tool you can use to manage the emotions as they come up.

Overwhelm happens more often with mums who come planning to address one issue and then find loads of other issues tumbling into the story, from childhood, perhaps their mum’s childhood or relationship issues they hadn’t planned to bring up.

When you need to work content-free EFT really comes into its own. This might be because a child or client doesn’t want to tell you the story itself. We can tap on
‘that thing that happened’
‘what I did’
‘what I said’
‘the thing I’m worried about’

What happens in an EFT session with me?
The first thing we do in any EFT session is to tune in.

1. Tuning in
Drink some water. Breathe. Put your hand on your heart and close your eyes.
Breathe in for 6 and out for 6. Imagine you’re breathing into your heart.
Do this three times.

Now thinking about the situation or issue on your mind,

• What’s the feeling or emotion?
• Where is it in the body?
• What colour is it?
• What shape, texture, size? (for size you can ask is it the size of a grape or a melon or….)
• Is it static or moving?
• Is there anything else about it?

SUDS level – on a scale of 0-10 where zero is nothing and 10 is very intense, what number would you give this feeling?

2.  Set up
We start by tapping on the karate chop point. This is the fleshy part of the hand at the side, between the base of your little finger and your wrist.
“Even though I feel this (name of emotion) in my (part of the body) I love and accept myself anyway

3. Tapping
So tapping with the flat of your hand you use a reminder phrase. or Reminder phrase as you tap.
This (colour) (emotion)
All this (emotion)
(colour) (emotion)
Tapping points
Crown
Side of eye
Other side of eye
Under eye
Under nose
Under mouth
Collar bone
Side

I usually do two rounds of tapping through the body points and then move through the hand points because most of my clients are children and teens so they need to use these at school and around their friends as they can’t suddenly start tapping their head!
Hand points are
Across the wrist
Side of thumb
Side of index finger
Side of middle finger
Side of ring finger
Side of little finger

4. FinishingWe aim to get down to a SUDs level of zero but I sometimes stop at a 1 or 2 if you want me to. This is partly because children often want to keep a bit of anxiety in exam situations so they are not so laid back they run out of time! Some want to leave it at 1 or 2 because that feels enough of a shift to be getting along with right now, or they are just bored and want to do another activity!

I always go back through the process with them so they know what to do when they are on their own. Sometimes I send them a reminder video as well.
​
So if you are considering having an EFT session with me, you know what will happen and I hope you will book one soon. Remember my first 20 minute consultations are free.