I've been training parents, teachers and existing practitioners for over 10 years; sharing my knowledge and experience, things I've learnt on courses and workshops. The focus has always been on children and teens and their parents. My training combines all the elements of what I feel makes for a healer or therapist who can intuitively select from their repertoire and experience, whatever they feel their client will need in that moment. It could be nothing. It could be silence, it could be just listening without judgement. Or it could be an exercise; a Time Line, a Perceptual Positioning, some tapping, drawing, it could be a meditation.

First I'll tell you about my existing course. 

NLP Kids Practitioner Training course

The training course comprises 12 one hour modules, delivered individually to suit your time constraints and commitments. Some like to do it intensively over a few days, others do it over months. You can pay as you go or pay up front. I don't want anyone to miss out on their opportunity to learn how to help children because they don't have the money all at once.

You will learn lots of tools and techniques that will help children to:  

1. Find different choices and solutions to issues they face at school and at home
2. Overcome limiting beliefs including those created in earlier childhood
3. Boost their confidence and self-esteem
4. Manage their anger and causes of it
5. Manage their anxiety and causes of it
6. Learn more effectively by boosting their concentration and focus
7. Improve their communication skills and rapport
8. Improve their physical performance
9. Manage the feedback they get and turn it into learning

What will you learn? 

Module 1 – Introduction to the course , what is NLP and how it works with children and parents. How you want to use it and create training schedule. 
Module 2 – Beliefs of excellence / NLP Pre-suppositions.
Module 3 – VAK and the Metaprogrammes, Deletions, Distortions and Generalisations
Module 4 – Compelling Outcomes, Anchoring, visualisation, vision boards, Logical Levels
Module 5 – EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
Module 6 – PTT (Picture Tapping Technique)
Module 7  - Time Line and inner child work
Module 8 –  Overcoming limiting beliefs : Perceptual Positioning, Parts Integration, Logical Levels of Change and Time Line 
Module 9 – Art Therapy - Using art, sand, Lego, Clean Language and Metaphors
Module 10 – The Karpman Drama Triangle 
Module 11 – Working with families
Module 12 –Working with schools

The whole course costs £995 paid upfront or you can make 12 payments of £100. 

New Group Training Courses

You may prefer a deep dive into one or more of the modules.  Each one starts with an individual one hour pre-course chat to check that the course will meet your expectations and give you some background theory so we can focus on the practical elements in the group sessions.

They are all 2 x 3 hour sessions with swaps and breakouts and they each cost £350 (Discounts available for NLP Kids past students and for Karl Dawson's EFT students) .

They are a much more intense training with a high practical element. 
EFT - Learn how to tap for yourself, with your own children and those you work with, to ease and clear intense emotions
PTT (only as an add on to EFT or for existing EFT Practitioners) Learn how to use picture tapping, a combination of drawing and tapping for your own children and those you work with
Time Line and inner child work Learn how to find the source of negative beliefs so you can help your child or client move on 
Art Therapy Learn how to use sand, drawing, writing, LEGO, vision boards and other playful activities to gain deeper insight 

Please send me an email and we'll arrange to have a chat about your own specific needs and if you're local or want to work face to face, I can do that. I expect to be running this on Zoom given the current and likely circumstances. I'm also fairly available on Skype if you want to message me there judy.bartkowiak 

If you are a teacher and want me to deliver training on any of these modules to a group of your teachers, I can do this at a reduced rate of £250 or indeed if you can gather mums, colleagues, friends etc into your own group. 

I anticipate a group being less than 10 people. I will need 4 in order to run the group so everyone gets a change of who to work with otherwise we could run out of issues to work on! I will join you into our private students Facebook group where you can chat with my existing and past students and share your knowledge and experience. 

There will be a certificate of attendance and competence issued at the end. 

I am an NLP Trainer (Sue Knight) and an EFT Trainer (Karl Dawson, Sharon King and Caroline Dawson). I am also the author of a number of NLP books, published by Hodder and workbooks published by MX Publishing. 
What do my students say about my training?"Judy I can’t thank you enough for my one to one training. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of you with my coaching and everything you showed me that works so well for children. You are seriously inspirational and I thank you for sharing your wisdom so I am now able to help children. I was extremely lucky to have met you. Thank you, Claire Jones x"

"Judy, when I first started on my NLP road and I attended one of your parenting chats I found you inspiring, informative, friendly and keen to help me by sharing all your knowledge. From a parenting chat you became my mentor and trainer . I am loving my new career and all the clients, friends, biz girls I have met and it is all thanks to you. You are a truly inspiring lady with a passion for helping others. Thank you" 🙏🏻

​I highly recommend this course, for a beginner or like me as a practitioner looking to specialise in young people. Thanks to Judy Bartkowiak and her course, I have had some tremendous breakthroughs with my clients and my own children. My sessions are fun, meaningful and really tailored to young people which makes this course very unique. Thanks Judy, I can't thank you enough !

“After a good research on the internet I found myself signing up for the master children’s NLP course with Judy. I know why I ended up with Judy: Judy is an inspiring, motivating but most of all a down-to-earth kind of person. And that suits me. She gave me energy to keep on coaching, she gave me a track which to follow. The weeks passed by in a blink of an eye. I actually enjoyed the Skype way. It is comfy in your own house with a good cup of coffee. And yes, we did laugh a lot! And yes, I do keep in touch with some of my global Skype-class-mates ;-)). Judy uses clear languages, in a nice pace. I have enjoyed every minute!”
 
“Judy’s NLP for Kids training is relevant and informative. Judy inputs really like scenarios into the training to help explain ideas and to this really helps the training to cone alive.
She is a great communicator and a massive support to all her trainees. If there is anything that you need help with she is easily contactable and willing to chat through ideas. Throughout the course you even end up picking up some great tips to deal build your own confidence too.
She is an inspiration as an NLP Practitioner and I would recommend Judy’s training. It's like having an experienced friend guiding you through.”

​
Here are some very basic first NLP tools to work through with your child to introduce him to the idea of NLP and how what you are thinking can affect behaviour.

1)    State change
You know how your mood can really affect your day. How you think about the day not only affects what you do but what happens and it affects other people’s day as well.   So how can you change state? How when your child is in a state that is unhelpful, can you help him change it?

Think of a good state. Think of a happy time for you, maybe a holiday or an outing with your partner, a funny programme on TV or a night out with a girlfriend. Relive the moment you’ve chosen and remember how you felt, what you saw, what you heard and what a good feeling it was. When the memory is at its height and you’re smiling or chuckling away as you recall it, squeeze your earlobe or tap the steering wheel, do something to anchor it for you. When you feel yourself getting stressed again, maybe someone’s just pulled out in front of you, anchor the good state and relax.

You can teach this to your child. Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a party or maybe a movie. Show them how to anchor it and make sure they do it a few times to reinforce it. Children do get themselves into a state and having the ability to change state is a very useful tool.
 
2)    Rapport
Rapport is how we get on with people, make connections and form friendships. Some people are great examples of this. Ask your child who they think are the popular children in their class. What makes them popular? Watch them and learn how they do it. Here is a basic exercise in establishing rapport.

Step 1. Matching and mirroring.
Ask your child to copy exactly what you do and then switch over and you do what they do. It’s a fun exercise and needs you to watch each other carefully. You achieve excellent rapport doing this and can after several ‘goes’ move on to mirroring. In this exercise you do the mirror action so if your child lifts his right hand you lift your left and so on.
Once you’ve done this exercise a few times, copy what he says and then he, you. Make sure you copy the pace, volume, pitch, rhythm and words as well. Notice the language pattern. Does he use visual words (V), sound words (auditory) (A) or is he more action orientated (kinaesthetic) (K)?
A child with a visual preference would use words like ’look’ ‘see’ and would maintain good eye contact and be very observant. An auditory child would listen well, respond more to what is said to him and want you to copy sounds and word patterns, songs and music. A kinaesthetic child would be quite physical, make a lot of actions and moves for you to copy.
 
 
Listen for the thinking patterns as well, such as
a)    towards/ away from – are they talking about what they want or what they don’t want
b)    big chunk / small chunk – big picture or detail
c)    choices / process- options or just get on with it

Step 2. Leading
Having taken turns at matching and then mirroring move on to take the lead by making your turn longer and switch the focus on to something you want them to do, maybe eating their meal, doing their homework, tidying their toys away.

3) Anchoring
When your child is really happy and pleased with life or proud of an achievement ask them to squeeze their ear lobe and capture the moment. Tell them that if they do that every time when they are feeling really pleased with themselves and on top of the world then when they are feeling sad , if they do that action it will remind them of how happy they were at that moment and they will feel good about themselves again. 

4) Self esteem
Children very easily spot someone who can do something they can’t do whether that be a handstand or scoring goals, looking pretty or getting top marks. They don’t so easily notice what they do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.

Be specific when you notice what they do well so that they recognise it as a skill that they can apply in other situations.
 
Metaphors work really well to get children talking about themselves. Ask your son or daughter how they are like a pizza or how they are like their favourite singer, football player or TV character. These comparisons focus on the positive and help them identify their strengths.

For older children, ask them who inspires them and then how are they like that person. ‘If you can spot it, you’ve got’ it is an NLP saying. It means that we can easily recognise qualities in others if we have them ourselves. Makes sense doesn’t it? Point this out to your child and help them by pointing out where you have observed this quality in them.
 
Where there is a gap between how they want to be and how they think they are, talk about how this person they admire does what he or she does. Watch videos of them and observe what they do and how they seem to do it. Find out about them, do they hold a certain belief about themselves that enables them to perform in a certain way?

If their hero is closer to home, a relative or friend maybe, then it is even easier to copy the behaviour and find out what has inspired it, the thought processes and beliefs.

This is in a sense an extension of the matching exercise but at a distance probably, unless the model can be encouraged to help in a direct way.

Children are very receptive to these games and enjoy them. It requires you to interact with them in a very direct way which shows love and support. Observe when they use a new pattern of communication and try some out yourself as well.

​This was taken from my book 'Be a happier parent with NLP' which you can order from my website or from Amazon. 

I've been reading a lot about attachment theory because after empty nest stage and hubbie retiring I found myself a bit adrift; unsure who I was as a woman and unsure who I was as a wife. We met fairly late in life when I was 30yrs old and we had our children straight away so we didn't have a long period together as a couple. So when the kids no longer really needed me as a mum, I started wondering what my role was. My hubbie is very self-sufficient and found my constant need for attention, stifling and he rebelled. This caused me to be even more anxious and I felt quite unloved. I started to read up on everything I could find and like most therapists, I sought therapy for myself. 

My learning has made a profound difference in my life because I realised that right from childhood, I had the potential to have anxious attachment. There were lots of very happy social times and I had lots of friends but I was very sensitive to fallouts or conflict, taking them very personally. 

In a nutshell, here are the descriptions (taken from Attached - Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller) 

Secure attachment - you are comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
Anxious attached - you crave intimacy and are preoccupied with your relationships and tend to worry about your partner's ability to love you back
Avoidant attached - you equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness

Although mostly (75%) we acquire our attachment style during childhood, we can find that as a result of our early romantic relationships during adolescence, we can switch attachment style. 

The healthiest attachment style is clearly 'secure' and that's happily what I have now and this style influences so many areas of ones life. Here are some of the benefits of working towards secure attachment.

- no longer needing to react defensively in an argument
- more flexible reaction to criticism, willing to think again
- feel more confident about expressing needs, knowing they will be heard
- no interest in 'playing games'
- more able to connect intimately because I feel safe
- quick to forgive

Another book I read which helped me enormously was Greg Baer's book 'Real Love' which emphasises the need for children to experience unconditional love from their parents so that they feel safe and free to make mistakes, knowing they will still be loved. 

You can check your attachment style using the link in the Attached book or there are lots of online quizes you can try. 

Remember, I can help you if you'd like some coaching on your relationships. 
​Call me 

​What will they be able to do when they overcome it?
 
Here we’re looking for the compelling outcome.
 
Ask your child to hold out both hands outstretched, palms upward.
Ask them to imagine that on one hand they are holding their fear of dogs and on the other hand they are holding what they will be able to do when they overcome this fear.
They may find it easier to do this with their eyes closed so they can use their imagination to be curious and wonder about each hand.
 
When you look at the hand holding the fear

• What do you see
• What do you hear
• What do you feel
• What do you smell
• What do you taste
• What colour is the fear
• What shape is it?
• As you look at it, if you were to guess at an age when you felt this fear most intently, what age would that be? Is there a memory that comes to mind?
• What does this fear want for you, what is its intention
• What need does the fear have

 
Now look at the hand holding the compelling outcome

• What do you see
• What do you hear
• What do you feel
• What do you smell
• What do you taste
• What colour is the compelling outcome?
• What shape is it?
• As you look at it, let it show you how it wants you to be instead of having the fear?
• What does this fear want for you, what is its intention
• What need does it have

 
Now imagine that the hands could talk to each other. What would one say to the other?
Can the hand holding the compelling outcome reassure the hand holding the fear that it is not needed and that they are brave and confident and able to overcome this fear. It is old fear from the past and not needed anymore?
 
If not ask the next question.
 
What will you have to do (that you don’t want to do) when you overcome this fear?
 
This is what’s called psychological reversal. It happens when subconsciously we hold on to a fear that gets us out of something you don’t actually want to do. So this would include a child holding onto their fear of being alone in the dark in their room at night because they get to have long cuddles with mummy.
 
Explore what is behind this fear. This can be a difficult question to answer so we need to be indirect.
 
Imagine that you could get rid of this fear right now.
What will be good about it?
What would be less good?
 
Shall we think about how we can do something about those things that are less good. Let’s come up with a list of options. Having options gives us some choices and means we can get our needs met. First though we have to know what those needs are.
 
Drawing
 
Let’s draw a picture of this dog?
Note the colours used.
Note the size on the page
 
Invite the child to now change their drawing so it is no longer scary. What colours do they bring in?
 
Tapping
 

1. Thinking about your fear of dogs, where do you feel it in your body? What colour is the fear? What size? What shape?
2. Give it a number out of 10 for how intense it feels with 0 being no intensity and 10 being maximum intensity.
3. Using the karate chop point, tap on the side of the hand saying

“Even though I am scared of dogs (check the wording with the child) I’m a great kid and I’m ok” Do this three times, checking the wording because it may be the barking or jumping up, biting, size, unexpected behaviour, running about etc rather than a general fear of dogs).

1. Now tap through the points on the hands so the child can use tapping wherever they are without drawing attention to themselves, in the street or at a friend’s house for instance) . Use the reminder phrase when they tap, so repeat the child’s actual words around their fear eg. Jumping up, barking, very hairy, it might bite me, it might chase me, I’m scared ……
2. When you’ve done a few rounds of tapping and make sure they breathe so they can release that energy around their fear, check the SUDs level (the score out of 10 that they mentioned at the start)
3. Keep going until you get it down to about a 1 or 2 because some level of fear is possibly sensible around dogs they don’t know. If there’s resistance you can tap on that too. Go back to the karate chop point and say

“Even though I’m afraid of tapping away my fear of dogs completely, I’m a great kid and I’m Ok” again 3 times and keep checking that you have the wording correct according to their map of the world.

1. Tap through the hand points again, using phrases like; I’m scared to let go of this fear, I need this fear to keep me safe, I can’t trust myself without this fear but gradually introduce some element of questioning. Examples might be: why do I need this fear? I’ve been safe before. I don’t need this fear. I’m safe without this fear. It’s safe to let go of this fear. I’m feeling safe. When I’m relaxed around dogs they will be calm too. The dog wants my love, it doesn’t want to hurt me. The dog is just excited, when I get excited I’m a bit jumpy too.
2. Check the SUDs level and now ask the child what colour do they need to bring in to make them feel safe and keep them safe. Whatever colour that is, ask them to breathe that in and take it into their body, fill their heart and let it fill their energy field with a feeling of being safe.

 
Fear is there to protect us but when it prevents us from having fun and doing things we want to do, being with people we want to be with, then it’s time to release it. You can use these methods with other fears of course.
 
Get in touch if you’d like me to help you with this or other fears.
 
 
 
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. 
Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


There's been so much talk about what we've been eating and drinking during lockdown but is 'weight loss' the best goal to set?

​There are several reasons why we might want to reframe ‘weight loss’. It is after all focusing on the very thing we don’t want ‘weight’. How much more compelling it would be if we could focus on what we do want, a slim body, flat tum, size zero or whatever our goal really is. Secondly it is an ‘away from’ goal because again it is what we don’t want. The most important reason we need to reframe it is because it does not conform to any of the rules of SMART goals. It is totally unspecific – how much weight loss is going to mean success? One might go on and on forever. It can be measured but which measure is the most meaningful, body fat ratio, waist or hip measurement, stones or pounds lost? Who is to say what is achievable? What is realistic and in what context and when is it to be achieved by? Is it any wonder then that the weight loss business is so huge? Perhaps if we reframed weight loss, more people would succeed in being the size they want to be?

Bandler and Grinder developed their six step reframe technique from work they did with Milton Erickson and Virginia Satir. Behind the process is the belief that every behaviour is useful in some way, it has a positive intention. Yes, even over eating!
  
Step 1- Identify the thing you want to change. In this example it is over eating.

Step 2- Establish communication with the part of you that over eats. Is it somewhere in your body or your mind? Is it an inner voice saying ‘go on, you deserve it, you’ve had a bad day’ or a hungry feeling, the look of the dessert, the smell of chocolate?

Step 3- Consider what benefit it has for you. What positive thing is it trying to do for you? Does it want you to feel loved and full, have a nice sweet taste in your mouth, be one of the girls? Does it relieve your anxiety or boredom and make you feel good? Do you get out of doing something you don’t want to do because you are overweight?

Step 4- Be curious. How could you satisfy that positive intention in a different way so you could meet your outcome?

Step 5- Consider the options

Step 6- Fast forward  and imagine yourself doing this new behaviour. Check that it will work. If it will then you’re done. If not, go back to Step 4 and come up with other options.

When considering your options it can be helpful to ask yourself a few questions in order to understand the behaviour you’re focusing on.
How else could I view this behaviour?
How might other people view it?
In what context would this behaviour be appropriate?
What’s stopping you from changing your behaviour?

On a dog walk with a friend earlier this week, I passed by a group of mums talking about how they could barely keep their **** together with their kids during lockdown. They were so relieved that the kids were going back to school but weren't looking forward to the weeks ahead of the school holidays with so many of the usual facilities likely to be closed. It had clearly been a huge struggle and in the battle to stay calm and not shout, they had lost. 

I know from client calls that in some cases they had given up on homeschooling, recruited friends with older children or paid tutors. They didn't like home schooling and didn't feel their children appreciated their efforts; often telling them they didn't explain things properly or like their teacher would. 

Their partner would be working elsewhere and couldn't be disturbed and they were left to manage schooling as well as the house, cooking and their own work. Many were also concerned about their elderly parents. But you know all this. We've all been through it haven't we? 

But I want to tell you about how we can stay calm and be patient because we can. 

Imagine the most patient person you have ever met. Who is it? 

For me it would be a friend who has a cerebral palsy child or it could be my dad's carer when he had a stroke (he has passed now) or perhaps it's one of the teachers at your child's school. 

What makes NLP different from other therapies such as CBT is the idea of modelling. 

Modelling in NLP is the process by which we can acquire new skills. It is based on the understanding that if we find someone who has the skill we want then by copying its structure and the underlying belief, we can have it for ourselves. It is a very powerful technique enabling us to incorporate into ourselves, other people’s skills and gifts. The excellence that we model is something we think someone does better than anyone else but we too can have our own excellence. We have skills we use in another part of our life that we want to transfer, that too can be modelled.

“When we step into someone else’s shoes and reproduce what they do and the results they achieve, we are modelling.” Sue Knight

“In modelling we elicit the strategies, beliefs, values and fundamental filters and the physiology that allows someone to produce certain behaviour. Then we codify these in a series of steps designed to make the behaviour easy to reproduce.” Jeremy Lazarus

So first you find a few people who can do this really well. You observe them and work out how they do this. What do they do first, then next and so on. Notice what you see . hear and the actions you witness. If you were to go away and copy this structure you may improve your result but you won’t get the same result as them because your thinking is different. You know your thinking is different because if it were the same you’d not get the result you get now. So you need to find out what they are thinking. You need to find out their values and beliefs about getting things done by the deadline. What’s different in their thinking that enables them to have this patience. You can get their thinking and underlying beliefs by asking them directly ‘what’s important to you about being patient in this situation?’ and then go through the structure again with this answer and way of thinking in your mind.

You can also think about your own life. Is there an area of your life where you are patient? We don’t behave the same in all situations. Perhaps in a craft, in music, reading or other activity you do this with great patience. Imagine you’re doing that now. What’s the underlying belief about why you’re doing this like this? Take this belief and apply it to where you need it.

It is much easier than you think to take on someone’s belief and it starts by saying to yourself ‘what if I believed this?’ and then ‘acting as if’ you do. Once we have their structure and beliefs we can start thinking about the values they must have that underpin them. We test out our hypotheses by repeating what we have observed and taking on the beliefs and values. One by one we remove different elements to find out which parts of our model are the ones we need to replicate the excellence. Then we have our model which we can teach to others and the proof of how successfully we have modelled will lie in the ability to pass it on to others who can then get the same result.

How can we apply this to help children?

Children enjoy modelling their TV and video game heroes. When they have problems with fears and anxieties, asking them to imagine they are their hero works very well in getting them into a brave state of mind where they can conquer their fears. Ask ‘what would x do? ‘Children have fantastic imagination and can easily turn into their hero and take on their persona in order to feel brave. This is a much better strategy than crawling around under the bed talking to imaginary monsters.

If they want to be better at schoolwork they can emulate the person in their class who gets the best marks. They need to find out how this child succeeds, what is his strategy? Does he learn visually, auditory or kinaesthetically? What is his process? When does the process start? It may start much earlier than when he starts the work.

You can use modelling to acquire skills from anyone you admire. This extract was taken from 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' available from my website or Amazon. ​

​I want to tell you about EFT because it is now an important ingredient in my NLP Kids Practitioner Training course and in my kids coaching practice. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I use EFT with 90% of my clients – children, teens, mums and dads, couples and singles. Everyone gets the chance to connect to their feelings and clear those that block them from being who they want to be.

EFT developed out of TFT (Thought Field Therapy) which was discovered by Dr Roger Callahan in the 1980s when he was using the Chinese Meridian points with his patients, tapping on the meridian point that connected to their pain or illness. One of his students, Gary Craig further developed it by reducing the tapping points and creating a simple sequence which became known as the Emotional Freedom Technique in 1990. So whilst it is based on ancient Chinese medicine, the protocol is relatively new compared to NLP.
Whilst NLP would not be described as a ‘talking therapy’, like CBT of Counselling, EFT is an ‘energy healing modality’ which means that there is very little talking and what there is, is what we call ‘clean language’ because we use a series of questions to ‘set up’ the process and then just tap on the points and say the client’s words. We don’t even need to know what it is we are tapping with them on!

What I totally love about EFT though is the lack of story, the lack of content and how it goes straight to the pain, the grief, anger, sadness without the back story. These techniques enable us to work content - free (story – free) . There are a number of reasons why I might want to do this.

Clients who are totally into their head, all the chatter, the story, the ‘who did what and when’ and the history of the issue. My first thought is to start where you are right now. Start with the feeling about all of this story. “When you think of all this that you want me to know, what is the feeling, where is it in your body, what’s the colour?”  and we get tapping.

This approach gets you into your subconscious mind connecting with the emotions. Working with mums, we need to get back to your own childhood to help you with your relationship with your children. This means there is a lot of story and the bit I need is buried in your subconscious mind. It will be about what you made something mean when they were too young to understand the story. The shock at the time sent you  into ‘freeze’ and you formed that core belief that you then live out, attracting evidence of its truth throughout your life. Rather than hearing all these examples, it is much more efficient and respectful of your time, I feel, to get straight into the feeling and tap on those negative feelings to clear them.

It would be great to say that we can get rid of negative core beliefs in one session of tapping and we often can when we work with children as their belief was imprinted quite recently but for adults it will take more sessions, more time and many more visits to those early memories and the various different aspects of them.

Mums and dads and teachers are people of influence. What we say, matters. Sadly and completely unintentionally we say something in a moment of anger which may be completely unrelated to our child but because of the influence we have, they create in that moment a UDIN.
A UDIN is
Unexpected
Dramatic
Isolating
For which we have - No strategy

When clients are in emotional overwhelm. You just don’t know what you feel any more. There are so many emotions and you can’t see a way forward. You will be tearful and tired, feeling like you can barely function. By using this approach, I can  give you a tool you can use to manage the emotions as they come up.

Overwhelm happens more often with mums who come planning to address one issue and then find loads of other issues tumbling into the story, from childhood, perhaps their mum’s childhood or relationship issues they hadn’t planned to bring up.

When you need to work content-free EFT really comes into its own. This might be because a child or client doesn’t want to tell you the story itself. We can tap on
‘that thing that happened’
‘what I did’
‘what I said’
‘the thing I’m worried about’

What happens in an EFT session with me?
The first thing we do in any EFT session is to tune in.

1. Tuning in
Drink some water. Breathe. Put your hand on your heart and close your eyes.
Breathe in for 6 and out for 6. Imagine you’re breathing into your heart.
Do this three times.

Now thinking about the situation or issue on your mind,

• What’s the feeling or emotion?
• Where is it in the body?
• What colour is it?
• What shape, texture, size? (for size you can ask is it the size of a grape or a melon or….)
• Is it static or moving?
• Is there anything else about it?

SUDS level – on a scale of 0-10 where zero is nothing and 10 is very intense, what number would you give this feeling?

2.  Set up
We start by tapping on the karate chop point. This is the fleshy part of the hand at the side, between the base of your little finger and your wrist.
“Even though I feel this (name of emotion) in my (part of the body) I love and accept myself anyway

3. Tapping
So tapping with the flat of your hand you use a reminder phrase. or Reminder phrase as you tap.
This (colour) (emotion)
All this (emotion)
(colour) (emotion)
Tapping points
Crown
Side of eye
Other side of eye
Under eye
Under nose
Under mouth
Collar bone
Side

I usually do two rounds of tapping through the body points and then move through the hand points because most of my clients are children and teens so they need to use these at school and around their friends as they can’t suddenly start tapping their head!
Hand points are
Across the wrist
Side of thumb
Side of index finger
Side of middle finger
Side of ring finger
Side of little finger

4. FinishingWe aim to get down to a SUDs level of zero but I sometimes stop at a 1 or 2 if you want me to. This is partly because children often want to keep a bit of anxiety in exam situations so they are not so laid back they run out of time! Some want to leave it at 1 or 2 because that feels enough of a shift to be getting along with right now, or they are just bored and want to do another activity!

I always go back through the process with them so they know what to do when they are on their own. Sometimes I send them a reminder video as well.
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So if you are considering having an EFT session with me, you know what will happen and I hope you will book one soon. Remember my first 20 minute consultations are free.

I want to share with you a number of ways you can tackle anxiety for yourself and help your children and teens.
 
1. You are brave
 
Anxious children are not anxious all the time in every situation, although they often believe they are. I’ve even had children arrive for an appointment announcing that they are anxious as if it’s their name! ‘Hello I’m anxious’. When they are like this, they expect to be anxious and it becomes their norm such that they don’t even notice the times when they are not. They delete that evidence and simply talk about all the times they are anxious because those examples fit their persona. I’ve had children who when something happens at school to make them anxious, they consciously think to themselves ‘I must remember to tell Mum when I get home’ even though it might have just been fleeting. But think, they’re dwelling on it all day as they want to remember it to recount when they get home.
 
If you think your child might be doing this, start to pay more attention to when they were brave. Ask them when they get home from school “when were you brave today?” and they will start to look out for examples of this during the day and think about those positive experiences instead ready to tell you when they get home.
 
Imagine how different their day will be and how this new pattern will start to make changes in their neural pathways!
 
2. Create a brave anchor 

Continuing on this theme and remembering that the word you’re focusing on does not have to be ‘brave’ it could be ‘confident’ or ‘calm’ the important thing is that you are focusing on the positive desired state rather than the state you don’t want. It’s called ‘towards thinking’ and we are taking responsibility for the outcome we want and putting it out in our energy field as in The Law of Attraction (which children totally ‘get’).
 
So how do we create an anchor?
 
When your child does the thing they want to do more of, decide on a sign that will mark it out so a thumbs up sign perhaps. Encourage them to use that sign each time they experience that positive state. After a while that becomes associated with it such that when they need to find that positive state, by using the sign they can instantly create it.
 
3. Five finger breathing
 
Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand , finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
Breathing is a very effective way to change state. Your breath affects every part of your body and increases the oxytoxin as you take in more oxygen and breathe out more carbon dioxide.
 
4. Colour breathing
 
What is the colour of your child’s anxiety? That might sound a strange question but actually they will be able to answer it quite easily.
 
Ask they to breathe out that colour from wherever they hold their anxiety in their body, often the chest or stomach area.
 
What colour would they like to breathe in? What does that colour represent to them? It might be a colour for ‘calm’ or for ‘relaxing’, for ‘confident’ or just ‘being ok’. If they don’t know what the colour represents that doesn’t matter. The idea is that they breathe in a colour to ‘lighten and brighten’ the anxiety, whatever colour they choose is right.
 
5. Visualisation 

Sometimes when children get stuck in a rut of anxiety, it becomes difficult to see another way. So ask them to visualise a positive outcome. Ask them to imagine what they’d like instead. I like the phrase “What would you like to have happen?” This gets them out of the rut to consider other options.
 
It often helps to suggest they look up when they are imagining as this connects us to the visual part of our brain. It also takes us out of our feelings which may be negative. When we look down we can become a bit reflective and by looking up it encourages us to have new more positive ideas.
 
6. EFT Tapping 

I teach my clients how to tap when they feel anxious. I also run free children’s tapping groups only via the Time to Tap Facebook group. Do join us! There’s one for children, one for teens and one for mums and dads.
 
7. Gratefulness Diary 

When children go to bed recording three things they are grateful for on that day, they find it easier to get to sleep, are less likely to wake up during the night with worrying thoughts about the day ahead and feel more positive when they wake up in the morning.
 
Some children like to write them down but it isn’t necessary so long as they ask themselves before they settle for the night ‘what are the three things I’m grateful for today?’.
 
8. Mindfulness 

I expect your child has learnt mindfulness at school. There are plenty of great mindfulness youtube videos, apps and downloadable scripts. I like the basic Body Scan as it’s so easy to do and children seem to like it. Get in touch if you’d like me to send you the MP3 or talk you through it.
 
9. Self – Compassion break 

Put your hands on your chest and tune in to how you feel
 
“I feel……………..”
 
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say
 
“Children all over the world are feeling this right now”
 
Then take your hands back to your chest and say
 
“And what I need now is……………”
 
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.
 
10. A mindfulness jar 

Take an empty glass jar and put some water in it. Now take a selection of different colour glitters. Tell your child to imagine that each colour represents a feeling. Ask them to out as much of each feeling into the jar as they have. They are to name the feeling as they put the glitter in the jar.
 
When they have finished. Put on the lid and shake the jar.
 
Explain that this is like their head full of all sorts of thoughts ; angry thoughts, sad thoughts, frustration, envy, jealousy and so on. They get all jumbled up and agitated. But when you sit quietly and watch, they all gradually settle on the bottom of the jar and the water becomes clear. When we are calm and still and wait, our bad thoughts settle and we can soon feel clear again.
 
If you have a child who is experiencing anxiety at the moment please get in touch and we can have a chat. I charge £50 for a 45 minute EFT Tapping session or £85 for a one hour therapy session. The Time to tap group tapping sessions I mentioned earlier , are free.
​https://www.facebook.com/groups/338971087071797/
 
 
 
 

I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them. Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.
 
Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.
 
We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will of course find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do but others will find it hard some days.
 
It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.
 
In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.
However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.
 
When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok , they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need and tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.
 
Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast.
The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when they might encounter a sabre tooth tiger, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.
 
Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question send them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened. Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.
 
I also teach them how to do EFT Tapping and I have regular weekly groups for children, teens and parents every week. There they can drop in and tap with their own age group. They don’t have to even say what’s troubling them. They can put their mic on mute and even turn their camera off. They can send me a message in the chat box about what they want to tap on and I will include it in the process. We usually tap on missing friends, worrying about mum and dad, missing grandparents, annoying brothers and things like that.
 
If you think your child or teen would like to drop in just look for my Time To Tap Facebook group where you’ll find the session times under ‘events’. RSVP and I’ll send you the zoom link. If they would prefer a private session, I’m just charging £50 for a 45 minute private tapping session at the moment. The usual price for a consultation of an hour is £85 and first exploratory sessions of 90 minutes are £125.
If you’re not sure how I can help or just want a chat, please email me at judynlpeft@gmail.com
 
Have a look at my book page because NLP for Children, NLP for Tweens and NLP for Teens all have some great exercises and ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ will give you a good understanding of how to help children develop these essential emotional skills for life.
 
Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP Trainer, EFT Trainer, Owner of NLP & EFT Kids and author of many NLP books for families , teachers and practitioners. Her website is www.nlpfamily.com and Facebook Page is NLP Kids. Judy has been working with children and teens for 40 years, first as a Qualitative Market Research Consultant and then since 2000 as a Children’s Therapist and Trainer. Judy and her husband Edward have four grown up children, one grandchild, a rather shaggy retriever called Zebedee and 5 hens. They live in Taplow, Berkshire, UK.
 

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it.

“Having just one choice is no choice at all. The more choices you have, the more freedom you have to be in the driving seat of your car.” Steve Bannister

“The whole point of NLP is having more choice.” Richard Bandler

“You’re not just a leaf on the wind.” Anthony Robbins

“We are making hundreds, thousands even millions of unconscious choices every day about what we pay attention to and what we don’t. And this is fine, provided those choices work for us. However, if we are not getting the results we want, we can learn to make new choices until we find what does work.” Sue Knight

“Identifying, acknowledging, examining, and employing our parts, rules, and inner wisdom help us transform our internal process and deal with present circumstances. By removing our self-made limits, we expand our choices.” Virginia Satir

There may be situations in which you want choice, when you go out for a meal perhaps or in the boutique but in the rush of the morning you may prefer not to spend ages choosing what to wear or what to eat for breakfast. This means that you will be sliding up and down the scale depending on the situation. However, being aware of whether you want a choice or not can be helpful. If as you think about the situation presenting itself you decide whether choices will help or hinder the process you will work more efficiently. This is particularly the case when working with others.
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In a family situation it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

In the family you would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

There is always a choice, not just in terms of the ‘how’ but also a choice in how you ask. You can speak in rapport, using your child’s preferred language pattern – visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. If they are talking about what they don’t want e.g. “I don’t want to put on my shirt” mention something you don’t want in order to match them “and I don’t want to be late for the bus.” If they say ‘yes but’ or ‘no’ this is a mismatch pattern which you can still match for rapport by using the same pattern ‘yes but homework needs to be done first’ or ‘no, it has to be done first, then TV.

Learning about NLP means that we have choices based on more knowledge about ourselves and how we see our world and a better understanding of the other person’s world. We can then choose how we want to communicate with them.

Find out more about the NLP metaprogrammes and about how to apply NLP principles and techniques in your parenting. Maybe you'd like to talk with me about becoming an NLP Kids Practitioner yourself or learning about how to combine NLP with your existing job in teaching or other child-related work.