Clearing childhood trauma

​I find EFT Tapping so good for clearing those subconscious blocks that talking therapies don't reach. We can go round and round in circles, trying to figure out why we can't seem to move on. By tapping on specific points on our body and tuning in to where that resistance is and where it has come from (often way back in our childhood) we can clear it and feel free and in flow. 

​The problems we encounter in our life, occur because we hold beliefs about ourselves, about others and about 'life' in general, that are preventing us from achieving what we want. Those beliefs were formed before we were six years old and you're right, we can't even remember what happened. This is because it was what we call a UDIN. It was: 
unexpected
dramatic
isolating
and we had no strategy to cope with it

As a result we went into 'freeze' locking the memory in our subconscious because we could neither fight or flight in that moment. We made a belief or decision at that time about ourselves. It may be that 'I am unlovable' or 'I am stupid' or 'I'm not important' or something similar. We then spend our lives attracting evidence of this belief because it is trapped and we can't access it consciously. 

We may also create attachment strategies such as being 'avoidant attached' - keeping ourselves safe emotionally, what we might call 'emotionally unavailable' because we learnt in our early years that we couldn't trust ourselves to love. We might adopt an 'anxious attachment' style where we were needy and constantly needing reassurance that we were loved. This of course pushes the avoidant attached partner away yet we find lots of partnerships with this push me pull you relationship which makes both partners unhappy. The ideal is a secure attachment and I can help you achieve this. 

If we didn't get unconditional love as a child, we seek the love of others and can't self-soothe. We put ourselves down, constantly apologise and never achieve all that is possible because we have low self-esteem. I can help with this too. I have had lots of clients who marry, thinking they will get the love they didn't have as a child but soon find that in the hurly burly of parenthood and married life, that their needs are not being met and they even lose sight of what their own needs are. 

I have a huge range of skills, expertise, activities and insight to help you with whatever you are struggling with so get in touch for a free consultation to meet me and decide if you'd like to work with me. If you do, then we have an initial 90 minute consultation, at the end of which we form a plan of what we want to focus on, where we want to get to and set up the appointments. You can choose a package of 4 for £300 or 6 for £400. 

Book your FREE 30 minute consultation here to have a chat and decide whether you'd like to work with me. 

Sharing my podcast on sleep issues. 
If you'd prefer to read about it, read on........

​

​Who has the sleep problem? It is important to first decide whose problem it is because I have sometimes been told that a child has a sleep problem only to find that the child is reluctant to resolve it because the benefits are more attractive than the problem.
 
Now I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation and sometimes things can start one way, with the child simply enjoying that extra time with Mummy or Daddy or it can start another way with a genuine nightmare or being scared of the dark or being alone, but when things have continued to become a pattern we need to examine quite closely whose problem it is. It is then up to that person to do the work.
 
I’m going to cover working with a parent and working with a child here so you have both.
 
First, though, I want you to think back to the first time the behaviour happened. What was going on at that time?
 
Children will be sensitive to situations in the family or in your relationship, that you may think you’re covering up really well. Death of a grandparent, for example, can affect a child more than you’d expect. Their world is very small and their parents and grandparents are people of influence so they will have a huge impact. If, when a grandparent dies, they feel they can’t express their grief because they can see you are upset, they will find other ways to get the extra attention they need. If this behaviour and the associated attention gives them that comfort, the habit may continue       because it’s now become a pattern that feels reassuring.
 
So, think about when it started. What happened just before? You may need to spend time discussing that with them and allowing them time now to express that grief or loss.
 
What happens is that a situation, issue or event can get associated with a behaviour such that until the issue is resolved, the behaviour will continue.
 
Children get stuck in patterns of behaviour that become reassuring because they are familiar and they can’t imagine another option. We can use visualisation to help with this. First, it’s helpful to know if your child is visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. A visual child notices what they see, they have great imagination, tend to be very creative and will be the first to notice if you change your appearance in any way. An auditory child will be more verbal, chatty, will probably love music and notice sounds and what’s said rather than what they see. A kinaesthetic child is active, fidgety and wants to be on the move.
 
Their language patterns will be different. Even if you find your child may have aspects of all three – visual, auditory and kinaesthetic – they will have a preference. Visual children tend to use words like look, see, imagine, watch, notice. Auditory preferences will be; sound, noise, hear, listen. Kinaesthetic preference will be any action or ‘doing’ word. Kinaesthetic children tend to be more physical too, wanting touch and cuddles. Comfort is very important so being too hot or cold in bed will affect them.
 
The reason I’m telling you about this is that it will help you know what to say to reassure them and to know what their focus is likely to be. An auditory child will notice every little creak and noise in the house. A visual child is likely to be more aware of the dark or indeed, light coming through a blind or curtain in the summer when they are trying to sleep and a kinaesthetic child will notice an uncomfortable bed, being too hot or cold or will want the extra cuddles.
 
When reassuring them, pay attention to their language pattern, for example:
 
Visual child
-       I’d like to see you tucked up in bed with the light off when I look in on you later
-       Have a look at your clock when you wake up, if it’s a number smaller than 7, read your book or draw a picture and I’ll look at it when I see you
 
Auditory child
-       I can hear that you are not in bed yet, I told you it’s time for bed, did you hear me?
-       Can you tell me when you’re ready for me to say goodnight
 
Kinaesthetic child
-       Get into bed, get a move on, you can do it! I’ll come in for a cuddle when you’re in bed
-       How quickly can you get ready for bed, shall I time you?
 
Obviously you know your own child so you can create your own versions with which to experiment.
 
Do your children believe you when you either threaten them or bribe them? Do they take you seriously when you tell them you want them to go to bed?
 
I’ve noticed that parents talk very differently to their children than to colleagues at work and of course they do, it’s natural. However, when your child is not listening or is not doing what you’ve asked, it’s a good idea to test out your work voice! After all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got. The difference is the belief behind the voice. Your work voice is delivered with the belief that you will be heard and what you ask will be done. Is your home voice asking your child to go to bed, delivered with the belief that it won’t be listened to and what you ask will be ignored?
 
Have a go at this yourself.
 
Use the voice recorder on your smartphone and record various versions of an instruction regarding the going to bed routine or the waking up during the night and not going back to sleep routine, whichever you have problems with.
 
Version 1 – How you normally say it (you may want to check with your partner if this is how you say it).
 
Version 2 – How you would say it, if you were asking someone to do something at work.
 
Version 3 – With the belief that you deserve to be heard and that you expect to be obeyed.
 
Listen back to your recordings. What do you notice? Experiment with them and perfect the most effective rendition.
 
Remember, making good eye contact is important and combine it with your child’s preferred language pattern.
 
Do you tell them what you DO want or what you DON’T want?
 
Example
 
I had a client who came to see me, very tired. Her daughter came into their room every night, got into their bed so she ended up sleeping on the floor because her daughter’s bed was too small.
 
She said, “Every night when I put her to bed, I tell her DO NOT COME INTO OUR ROOM, but every night she does.”
 
“What do you want her to do?” I asked.
 
She repeated that she did not want her to come into their room.
 
I then said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. But still she insisted that she did NOT want her daughter to come into their room.
 
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, focusing on what you don’t want and it can be hard to change.
 
I had to make it really clear before she eventually got it. I said, “I know you don’t want her to come into your room, but what DO you want instead?”
 
At last she realised and said, “I suppose I want her to stay in her own room”. I asked if she’d ever asked her to do that and she admitted that she hadn’t.
 
The next day, she sent me an email confirming that her daughter had stayed in her own room for the first time and everyone had woken up feeling refreshed for a change.
 
It is much easier for children to follow what we call a ‘towards’ instruction of what we DO want.
 
If you don’t believe me…
 
…DON’T THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS!
 
What are you thinking about?
 
Exactly.

There's a whole chapter in the book about how you can help your child including activities and EFT tapping scripts. Happy #worldsleepday 

You can buy my book on Amazon of course, bookshops and Book Depository. 

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you are struggling with something so easy? 

I do. 

It could be something like trying to thread a needle, work out how to use a new piece of software or how to express yourself in a difficult email. Maybe you're looking at competitive quotes for utilities or insurance? My hubbie has been doing that recently and I could hear him getting very annoyed at complicated it was. 

My current struggle is with some writing software called Scrivener. No I know that plenty of writers use it, there are lots of helpful You Tube videos and a tutorial on the website but nevertheless I am struggling to work out how to create new documents and where to put the website links for research. My novel is set in Victorian England and I have lots of research resources I want to access easily. 

I look at it, but in no time I want to give up. 

This morning I was out cycling with one of my cycling group, Paul, and we were discussing electric bikes and the idea of my getting one in order to help me up some of the steeper hills. It occurred to me that this was a nice easy (if expensive) option. 

But Paul said "You always seem to get up even the steepest hill" to which I replied "yes eventually". Then I thought about how I do this. 

One of the NLP principles is that we have our model of success somewhere, we just need to find it because 'we already have all the resources we need'. 

So how do I manage to cycle uphill?

The thing to do is to look at the structure and break it into steps.

1. I go down to the lowest gear I have.
2. I focus on the road just in front of my front tyre - if I looked at the top of the hill I would probably give up! I need to take it in baby steps. 
3. I maintain an even rhythm and listen to the sound of the tyres on the road or track, like it was music.
4. I might even make up a little song or rhyme to jolly myself along.
5. I notice how well I'm doing and imagine how great I'll feel when I get to the top and join my cycling pals.
6. I get there and have some water, enjoy the view and thing how amazing I am! 

​
​That's not me by the way! I wish! 

So how can I take this model of success and apply it to understanding how Scrivener works? 

Instead of giving up, deciding it's too complicated and feeling I'm hopeless, useless and incompetent, I could apply this model from cycling. 

1. Set myself up into a slow gear.
2. Make a list of what I'm trying to do so it's clear in my mind.
2. Focus on one small task at a time. 
3. Celebrate each new task completed
4. Imagine how great I'll feel when I feel I've got the files in some sort of order
5. Celebrate, a new skill learnt. 

You may need to learn a new skill due to changes as a result of the pandemic. Maybe you're starting your own business, going freelance, becoming self. Perhaps you're supporting a friend or one of your children to learn something new? 

Use this approach. 

Ask them where in their life have they overcome a challenge, learnt a new skill, persevered despite obstacles. What was the structure of their success in that situation? 

Children are always learning new skills, like the boy in the image above, putting on socks for themselves, laces, doing long division, multiplying fractions, spelling three syllable words and so on. Right now they are struggling with changes in their schooling just as you have been struggling with home schooling or managing to share the house with a family with different needs who all feel fed up. 

Once you believe you have the skills and just need to figure out where you have them, you have the answer. 

Sometimes it will help to ask someone else who may have the answer. This in NLP terms is called modelling. We grab someone else's model and apply it for ourselves. Look around you. Perhaps someone in your family can help. Rather than asking them to do it for you, ask them to talk you through their structure. You need 

a) all the steps
b) the belief that underpins them

Because - you won't succeed in doing this thing with your existing belief that 
- it's complicated
- you can't do it
- you're not techie

As I know now! 

Notice the finger pointing in this image below and the way Cinderella puts her hand to her heart in a 'what me?' pose? 

Here we have what Stephen Karpman calls the 'Persecutor' and 'Victim' roles. The 'victim' is a role we choose to adopt when we feel helpless and hopeless, we have no power at this time and in this situation. The person or situation we hold responsible for feeling like this, is the persecutor. In the case of the Cinderella story, it would be the ugly stepsisters and the stepmother. The finger pointing and the shouting indicate the 'persecutor' role. The persecutor role can also be occupied by a situation or condition such as 'covid', 'having ADHD', 'exams', 'lack of money' and so on. 

The third role in the triangle is the 'rescuer'. Like the 'persecutor' the rescuer has power. The 'rescuer' is the 'fixer'. They choose how to resolve the problem, taking power away from the 'victim' and although initially the 'victim' may be relieved and grateful, they soon realise that they now feel even more useless, having had their problem fixed rather than persevering and finding their own solution. 

Notice in the image below how the 'rescuer' is being comforting and the 'victim' is at a lower level, with her head in the lap of the 'rescuer'. 

The triangle is called a 'two up, one down' triangle, reflecting where the power is held.  

So why am I explaining this triangle to you? 

Have you ever felt like the 'persecutor', getting angry perhaps, shouting, pointing your finger, blaming? 

Of course you have. 

So have your children at one time or another, haven't they? 

But what happened just before they stepped into that role? 

Usually we experience 'victim' just before. 

Think about it. You've done everything for the family, you feel tired and stressed. It feels like no-one appreciates all you're doing. In that moment, we feel like Cinderella don't we? Our 'ball' may be a cup of tea with a friend, a relaxing bath, some time at the gym, an evening out with friends' but we can't go. We may blame 'covid' or 'the situation' but we're feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

In that place, it doesn't take much to trigger us into feeling angry. We move into 'persecutor' and shout, slam a door, or whatever we can do in that moment to be seen and heard because that is our basic human need.

The kids or your partner, move into 'victim' - "what did I do?' (see first image) and you feel guilty for losing your temper and move into 'rescuer' to apologise and may give them a hug (second image).

Another common situation is where your child steps into 'victim' saying they can't do their schoolwork, don't have any friends, miss their friends, feel bored and fed up perhaps. As loving parents, we step into 'rescuer' to fix this, coming up with suggestions, making plans, solving the problem. At some level they are thankful but may then become annoyed at your attempts and stomp off to their room, moving into 'persecutor'. We may bring them a cup of tea saying "I was only trying to help" (rescuer). But they may say 'go away" and you then move into 'victim' feeling sorry for yourself, after all you meant well. 

Your own family situations will vary of course but the essence is that 
- we move around the triangle
- we can occupy any of these roles in any situation
- no-one actually gets their needs met

I hope the diagram below shows this.

My new book, 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents', shows how to do something different. By accessing the relevant chapter; anxiety, anger, change, fear, friendships, learning struggles, sleep and so on, you will find a range of coaching tools to enable you to help your child without fixing. By guiding them through a exercise, explained in full, you give them the power to resolve their problem and feel good about themselves. They can now step away from the 'victim' role and feel confident and resilient, proud of themselves. You become a coach rather than a 'rescuer' and you meet your own needs of helping your child but in a different way that enables them to feel empowered, not have power taken away. 

This book will be a great reference book for parents of school-age children. 

sure you've seen this video, it's not new and it's been watched by millions.

I once attended a talk given by Dr David Hamilton entitled as his book, the 5 side effects of kindness. David explained that the drugs that doctors prescribe for depression contain an artificial copy of something we naturally produce in our body when we are kind - oxytocin. It isn't produced when parents say 'be kind to your brother/sister' or by us wanting to show how kind we are. It is produced when we feel kindness, when we feel compassion, empathy, when we reach out and touch someone who needs some love, when we think of calling someone who might be lonely. 

He starts his book with a quote from Kahlil Gibran, the prophet. 

He explains how kindness alters the brain, dilates the arteries and lowers the blood pressure. He shows how it reduces depression and the effects of ageing and that these are 'side effects' to the extent that when we are kind just for kindness sake, without expecting anything in return, we actually do get significant benefits to our mental health and wellbeing. 

At this time with our children going back to school and as we see a gradual opening up again of our world, surely this is the perfect time to be kind. When we, as adults, parents, are kind, we demonstrate it to those we care about. Telling children to be kind is not the same as showing them how to be kind. 

Shall we think of different ways we can show kindness? 

One of the kindest things we can do, and children often do it instinctively, is to listen without judgement, with an open mind and an open heart. When we do it without jumping to conclusions, make it all about us, and when we keep the conversation private, we respect the confidences and the sharing of secrets and create kind and trusting relationships. 

Being grateful builds a kind heart, focusing on what we are thankful for, what we like about our friends and family. I encourage my teen clients to keep a gratitude diary or journal to remind themselves, especially in these times, of how much they have and how grateful they are for all they have. It's a really calm way to go to sleep, to focus on these things rather than what they are worried about. 

Stroking your pet, looking after it, playing with it, also boosts oxytocin. I've written two books about Danny a therapy dog who sadly has passed now but he used to go into schools to help children read because they relaxed by stroking him and could read more fluently. They didn't feel judged and they believed Danny was listening. Check them out in my bookshop. The money from the sales of these books goes to the Bark and Read scheme run by the Kennel Club. 

Kindness has a ripple effect as you can see in the video above, as one person is kind to another, they in turn are kind to the next person. So each isolated act of kindness matter more than we think. 

We can also be kind to ourselves. Be accepting of our vulnerabilities. You may cry, you may weep, despair, feel lonely, unsupported, not seen or heard and in those moments we need to be kind to ourselves, not judge but be gentle and give yourself the understanding you need from others. But it also means speaking out for ourselves, not being put down. Stand up for what is right, what you believe and show your children how to do the same, calmly because it is our right to express our needs rather than assume they will be met by others. 

​Kindness makes us happy. It makes those around us happy. It is contagious so very soon you have spread happiness in your world. 

I have attended a number of Author interviews with The London Writers Salon, The Society of Authors and The Guardian Live and they all discuss whether they are 'plotters or 'pantsers'.  I thought you might enjoy doing the quiz I found online. 

The plotter is someone with a plan and sticks to it, working methodically through it ensuring there are no unforeseen problems. They are risk averse and wary of last minute changes to a schedule. Flexibility is not 'their middle name' so to speak! 

​A pantser is one who 'flies by the seat of their pants' . They go with the flow, take changes in their stride and have a more general broad brush idea of what they have in mind. 

Although I write non-fiction, I am a pantser in that my ideas flow thick and fast about my overall intention but the details get fleshed out along the way, often with structure forming much later in the process. 

When I thought about what kind of writer I am, I wondered if the principles also applied to life in general. Are there plotter parents and pantser parents perhaps? 

I am pretty sure I was a pantser parent, feeling my way, day by day and focusing on more general things such as 'is my child happy' but over breakfast this morning my hubbie was talking about an article he read about parents struggling with getting their children to bed and ensuring they had enough sleep. The article said that they were surprised to find that having a routine made all the difference. He commented that this was amazing that they didn't realise this and that we had always had such a routine. So clearly my perception does not quite match reality. We did indeed have a very specific and military bed-time routine even to the extent of lowering our voices, slowing our movement and using a monotonous tone to imply that staying awake with us was the most boring thing they could do. We would choose books to read that offered a gradual slowing down and less and less action based read, with fewer funny voices so they gradually succumbed to sleep as our voices reading the stories became more and more soporific. 

Other aspects of parenting were more pantser-like though as we tended to be quite flexible about activities depending on whether it seemed the children needed to let off steam or whether a more arty crafty activity would fit their mood best. 

So this got me thinking. Maybe we simply need to be aware of the two ways of being and have the discussion with our co-parent, as to which we should be plotters about and which we should be pantsers about because I imagine co-parenting with someone without having had these discussion would lead to a very confused child. 

Also, on the basis that our children tend to pick up our way of being, it might be better for them to have that flexibility to decide which approach best fitted what they needed to do. Because having a 'pantser' approach to homework, revision and so on would probably not be the best approach, a 'plotter' approach to making friends may be a bit restricting. 

I'm now thinking about dating...... well not me personally of course! But any of you who are.... are you plotters or pantsers on the dating scene? Do you make a list of attributes and plot to date someone who fits as many of these as possible or do you fly by the seat of your pants and date more by intuition and hope you'll connect with someone you enjoy being with? 

Sooo what do you think? 

What a range of emotions we are feeling right now. I'm reading posts on social media from across the whole range. I've read posts from those who are overjoyed that things will eventually return to normal and that we can now see our friends and family, hug them, spend time with them and laugh again. I've also read posts from those who just feel broken after this long period of struggle. It feels like at last they can fall apart. 

Tears and falling apart, sobbing, extreme tiredness and also rage are all emotions we've had to keep in check, especially in front of the kids. We try so hard to be strong for them and it's hard to find somewhere to let all that emotion out. We are scared too. What if we can't get it back together afterwards? 

I've worked with a lot of women over the last months who feel they have to protect their family, support everyone, love everyone even when they are being insanely annoying or inconsiderate, unkind and just plain impossible. We have to be above all that as parents and especially as mums because having given birth to them we tend to feel responsible and their pain is our pain. We take responsibility for their feelings, wanting them to be happy and when they are not, we feel we have failed. When they are sad and angry we take the feelings on for them and empathise. But we have no control. We don't control Covid or Lockdown and maybe we don't even agree with the rules but in this case, we can't do anything so we feel helpless. 

In a few days they will be back at school. Promise me you will take the opportunity to allow yourself to fall apart a bit, cry, shout, rant and rave and then......................gently put yourself back together in whatever way you need, do what you need to do for yourself. The 'to do' list can wait. Maybe you just want to do nothing at all. This is the time to allow yourself to 'be' after a long period of 'doing'. The 'be' is your female energy and it is about nurturing yourself (even if you are a man, you have some female energy) just accepting what is and being there for whatever comes. 

You are enough, you are good enough just as you are. 

I hope this short video goes some way to introducing myself to you so you learn what I do, what is important to me and what I bring to my writing, training and coaching. 

I have been very busy over the last year writing two books, I can hardly believe it myself! 

The first came out in November and it is primarily aimed at those of you who work professionally with children who are experiencing problems. 

You'll find chapters on every NLP and EFT technique, how to use Art and mix it up with EFT to do picture tapping. Every exercise and technique is explained in detail and I've included examples to show how I've used the techniques with children and teens. 

If you are a parent this book will also be helpful although if you're not so interested in the NLP and EFT theory and want to simply help your child with fear or anxiety, anger, low self-esteem or coping with change, learning etc then my next book is for you! 

It's called 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents.' The first part covers more general parenting use of NLP and EFT to improve communication with your child or teen. The second part takes every issue, a chapter at a time and talks you through techniques that will help as well as tapping scripts for each. 

I don't have any copies of this yet but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Once I have copies you can buy it from my bookshop. 

If you're looking for workbooks that your children can use to learn basic NLP and EFT techniques to help them with confidence, learning, resilience, anxiety and so on then buy them the Engaging NLP workbooks. You'll find each one gives you an extract so you can decide if they will be able to understand and enjoy the material.  

Do you have a teen who is addicted to their phone?

Are you also constantly checking it?

We are all seeking connection right now because being separated from our ‘tribe’ is and always has been, inherently ‘dangerous’.


So here are some tips, some ideas to try.

1. Instead of restricting your teen, allow them to spend as much time on their social media as they need.

When we restrict something, it becomes more desirable doesn’t it? Have you ever dieted, I have, and you want what you can’t have, even more. The fact that you can have mountains of veg doesn’t appeal when what you want is cake.

But if you could eat cake all day, it palls after a while and you seek some variety and other ways to meet the same need.

Experiment, if you allow your teen to be on social media as much as they want, will they tire of it and come downstairs seeking some ‘real’ conversation? Will they hear you and the rest of the family laughing at a comedy on TV and wonder what you’re watching? Will they hear you chatting in the kitchen and be curious, are you talking about them?

Draw them to you rather than insist on their presence.

    2.      Introduce them to the idea of boundaries to keep them safe on social media

Boundaries are when we know when something is inappropriate, rude, unkind, not acceptable, hurtful, just plain ‘wrong’.

It is about knowing when to say ‘no’.

Teens can be very reactive, responding quickly and impulsively to what they read or see online. Talk to them about how to stop and put in a pause before responding. You can do this best by talking about your own experiences. Maybe comment on how your boss or a friend said something you didn’t like and you were just about to say something to them, but you stopped and realised that maybe they were stressed out from juggling homeschooling and work, or worried about their child/mum/partner, or worried about their job or money and when you realised that they probably didn’t mean it, you felt compassion for them and replied quite differently.

Your teen is still a child, they are still learning emotional intelligence, they are novices in the world of grown up concerns and they need to be shown rather than told.

Talk to them about times they aren’t sure how to respond, what to think and what to do and ask them how they could stop, come away from the phone and just think for a moment or two on their options of how to respond.

In NLP one of the ‘beliefs of excellence’ is ‘the person with the most flexibility controls the system’ and this means that when we only have two options; do it or not do it/ do this or do that, we don’t have much control over the outcome. If instead, we have a number of options for example, asking

• did you mean what you said?
• are you Ok?
• do you need a (virtual) hug?
• shall we go for a walk and talk this through?
• I’m here for you
• you seem really mad right now, can I help?

Your teen will know what their options are but might need you to encourage them to stop and think.

Boundaries are about staying safe, not being drawn into things that aren’t their business, or their responsibility.

Boundaries are about knowing when to turn the phone off and go for a walk, come downstairs, go to sleep or whatever they need to do to be calm.

 Knowing who to contact if they’re worried I have spoken with teens who are supporting friends who are drinking themselves unconscious, cutting themselves, sending pornographic images, and things they are not equipped to deal with. Does your teen know what to do in these circumstances? They may not want to tell you but their school will have a safeguarding officer, counsellor, someone who is trained to help and will not divulge who has alerted them.

When your teen sees anything that alarms them, they need to have someone outside the family to speak to about it. There are agencies such as Child Line, Samaritans and so on and there will be specialist agencies for grief, support through cancer etc as well as local support groups your teen can turn to.
Make sure they have a list, they might need it themselves.

   3.  Ease off on the schoolwork This is not the time to do what they ‘have to do’ there are already so many things they can’t do that they want to do. Teens are responding by controlling the few things left such as refusing to eat, sleep, work. These are all ‘away from’ activities in NLP and they are detrimental to mental health.

Instead focus on what they want to do (that they can do) even if they want to bake a cake, chat to their friends. A happy teen is far more likely to get their work done than one who is being nagged and is unhappy.

Encourage them to focus on subjects or topics they like and do them, maybe once they’ve done those they can tackle the subjects they are less keen on or find difficult.

   4. Walk and talk

They love you and need your support so find ways to give this in a way that they will find easier than stilted direct questions in their bedroom ‘we need to have a talk’. You know what I mean. I’ve had a number of mums telling me that this is what they’re doing and it doesn’t work, but they keep doing it.

Go for a walk. Teens talk best when they’re doing something else. I run walking therapy sessions with teens and these work really well. They can stomp out their anger, walk fast to express frustration, walk slowly for calm, find metaphors in the clouds, the trees and buds coming out and in the silence where you hold space for them, you build trust so they can come to you when they need to.

Encourage them to walk with a friend.











    5.  Be the change

​Put your phone away when they are there, keep phones in bags and show that you want to connect, you are available and want to hang out with them. Encourage them to do things with you, like cooking or baking, sorting out family photos, rearranging a room, playing a game and eating together.
How can we tell them to put their phone away when ours is out?

How can we stop them taking calls when we do, even if we excuse ourself because it’s work?
In those moments, we are saying that what you have to do is more important than them. Of course that isn’t the case but their ego is quite fragile, much more so than might appear on the surface as they rant at you.

They need to know they matter, they are important and that you love them.

   6. Love languages We all experience love differently and different actions will fill our ‘love tank’.
Here’s a link to Gary Chapman’s Love Language quiz for teens
Your teen will be missing the banter or friends (it just isn’t the same on zoom as we all know) the hugs and squeezes, the laughter and the comfort of a shared groan when the teacher says something annoying.

Does your teen need more hugs and touch right now. Mine does (don’t tell him I told you!) I take every opportunity to touch his shoulder or back as I pass, smile, acknowledge him and listen, I want him to feel loved as he only sees his friends on screen.

Do they need words of affirmation? Do they need to be told they are amazing, that they are doing so well, that you are so proud of them, that what they have to say is interesting/funny/insightful?

Do they need things done for them, acts of service, their special treat for dinner, an unexpected cake or snack, a bit of help with an assignment?

Would a gift cheer them up? Many teens like to exercise and there are plenty of small bits of gym equipment they could have in their room to keep up their exercise or fitness regime or would they like a book, a game, new shirt, boxers with funny (embarrassing mum) slogan on?

The last one is ‘quality time’ and that is often what teens tell me they want more than gifts from their parents. Choose something they will find fun, something active and easy to set up.


Find fun games, even games they might have played when they were younger. My kids introduced us to ‘utensil jenga’ where you each choose a utensil from the kitchen and have to remove a jenga block with it. It was great fun.

Get outside to play games or exercise together.

Even if you don’t rate my ideas or think your teen will groan and return to their phone, you know them and will be able to come up with ideas that will appeal to them.


SUMMARY
 
It’s much harder to get a teen OFF their phone than it is to get them to DO something a bit fun and different. Why would they come off their phone when there is nothing else on offer for them to do? Work on ‘towards’ messages, drawing them to you subtly rather than tell them to get off their phone and make sure they have boundaries they can apply to keep them safe when they are on their phone because they do need that connection with friends right now…………..as do we.

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