I've been really busy this past year training in skills that I feel provide clients with a full range of support and Aroma Reiki has been very healing this last year for local stressed, anxious mums and teens. In the 90 minute session, I can balance your energy centres so that you feel calm and grounded. 

Have a look at the  Energy Healing page for more detail but essentially its a hands-on approach using essential oils and reiki to clear the energy pathways, settle the body down from any fight/flight/freeze responses and identify negative emotions before clearing them.

I've also done training (only the basic training, I'm not an expert) in #Meta Health which is the way we can understand the emotional messages from the body. Each part of the body connects to an emotion or issue and by understanding this and treating the emotion, we can make some headway with treating the pain. When we combine this approach with EFT Tapping (in which I AM an expert!) we take the healing one step further. I find that clients can totally relate to the meta health approach. 

For example, I was treating a teenage boy for his diarrhoea  which, from the meta health perspective is about  'something he just can't stomach' he immediately knew what that was and we were able to clear up the condition very quickly.

​I volunteer with FAST which offers free trauma  support to the NHS and Emergency Services. We have been given extra training for this and I've been learning such a lot from the books and talks of Dr Gabor Mate who is an expert in this field. 

I suppose you could say that NLP & EFT Kids has moved into more complex fields of therapy and this has been necessary to help the many many young people who have been unable to secure help through the usual channels such as CAMHS. 

Please pass on my details to anyone you feel might benefit from a free initial chat with me or any of my colleagues also trained in this work. I would also recommend this book for anyone who wants a deeper understanding of children and teens. 

​Summary of the training programmes I run

1. NLP & EFT Kids Practitioner The course you need in order to run your own business helping children and teensIt includes training  in all the techniques I use in my practice ; NLP, EFT, Art Therapy, Mindfulness/MeditationCertificated course with assignments. You must either have your own children and/or already work with children to qualify for training. You will be expected to get up to speed with NLP using my NLP Workbook before taking the course if you do not have an NLP qualification.

Two options for learning
I personally feel that this is the best option if you have not done any recent (last few years) NLP Training or did your NLP Training online.

a) Live £995
- we meet live on zoom or in person - bear in mind GMT Time Zone please! 
- you will be invited to practise sessions throughout the course with other students, past and present so you can practise on each other (online if in-person not possible)
- you are joined into my student group where you can share ideas and read other students assignments
- I go through each module with you in real time
- we do the practical exercises together
- I can share real examples of each exercise, technique or activity
- you can ask questions about the module as they arise
- you do an assignment for each module and get feedback 
- you do a final assignment on. topic of your choice
- you get a certificate

b) Self-study £349
This is the perfect option for existing NLP Practitioners who have up to date NLP practical in person experience and who just want to learn how to apply everything to working with children.
- you download each module as you're ready 
- you do the exercises yourself 
- no certificate
- you can pay to join demos, swap sessions and practice sessions with the main student group


COURSE OUTLINE
•Welcome and Intro
•Brief intro to NLP, EFT, PTT, Clean Language
•Module 1 - NLP beliefs of excellence
•Module 2 - Compelling outcomes, skills and qualities, anchoring and Circle of Excellence
•Module 3 - Overcoming limiting beliefs using Perceptual Positioning and Time Line
•Module 4 – EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
•Module 5 – Art Therapy and PTT  (Picture Tapping Technique)
•Module 6 - NLP Modelling process
•Module 7 - VAK, Metaprogrammes, Deletions/Distortions/Generalisations
•Module 8 - Mindfulness
•Module 9 -  The Drama Triangle
•Module 10 - Inner child work

Email me  for the full course details or to arrange a video chat about the course and its suitability to your needs. 

How will it benefit you?

I think over these months of Lockdown and the Pandemic, Homeschooling and all the changes in our world, we have all been thinking hard about what is important to us. Money and education may not seem quite as important as kindness, community, positive mindset and good mental and physical health.

We are having to make decisions for ourselves about our relationship, our career, where we want to live, how we want to educate our children and many other aspects of our life.

We’ve also spent more time with our family than usual and that has been a mixed blessing because we’re maybe realising that they need more support than we have been able to give them with all the usual hustle and bustle or our work/life balance, commuting and so on. I know many mums are looking for greater quality of life and wanting to do something to make a difference.

By training with me, you can be that difference with your own children and the children in your community. You can organise the work around your availability and how much you need to earn and the age group and issues you’re most interested in although I will cover all ages and issues on the training course.

How will it benefit your children or the children you care for?

There are a great many reasons why NLP works so well with children and young people.
Children are like sponges, they soak up new ideas and embrace change and choices.
They are open and ready to learn.
The NLP techniques and exercises are simple and easy to do so kids can use them at school, home, anywhere.
NLP is positive, it is about focusing on what we do want not what we don’t want, focusing on when things are going well, modeling excellence, what we do well and the structure of excellence.
We even teach that there’s no failure only feedback, how empowering is that for a child?!
We do not prescribe, we give children choices and the more choices they have, the more flexibility and the more control they have in every situation.
Everything is possible with NLP the only thing stopping a child is the child itself so you will learn how to help them overcome their limiting beliefs.

You will learn lots of tools and techniques that will help children to:  

• Find different choices and solutions to issues they face at school and at home
• Overcome limiting beliefs including those created in earlier childhood
• Boost their confidence and self-esteem
• Manage their anger and causes of it
• Manage their anxiety and causes of it
• Learn more effectively by boosting their concentration and focus
• Improve their communication skills and rapport
• Improve their physical performance
• Manage the feedback they get and turn it into learning 

How will it benefit you as an existing NLP Practitioner, EFT Practitioner, Hypnotherapist, Coach?

Although you already know all the principles of your therapy modality and how to use the tools and techniques with adults, it is very different working with children. I will teach you how to use NLP with parents, children, young people, teachers and carers.

I’m often asked how it’s different working with children. Here are a few ways:

The child has probably not requested the appointment.
They possibly don’t want to be there.
They may not acknowledge that there’s a problem.
It is probably someone else’s fault! They’re just fine!
The ‘problem’ or ‘issue’ may not be theirs. It could well be the parents’.
They know they have feelings, feel sad, confused, angry but they don’t want to talk about it or share the feelings.
They don’t have the verbal skills to express what’s going on so we need to use play therapy, art, drumming, glove puppets, play doh and so on.
Children automatically think the adult knows the answer so unlike an adult, they will say they don’t know quite a bit because they are scared to get things wrong. Therefore, it’s really important to be alongside them in a ‘not-knowing’ place.
​
Why should you train with me?

Read testimonials from past students.

​Claire Jones

"Judy I can’t thank you enough for my one to one training. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of you with my coaching and everything you showed me that works so well for children. You are seriously inspirational and I thank you for sharing your wisdom so I am now able to help children. I was extremely lucky to have met you. Thank you, Claire Jones x"

Anya MacFarlane

"Judy, when I first started on my NLP road and I attended one of your parenting chats I found you inspiring, informative, friendly and keen to help me by sharing all your knowledge. From a parenting chat you became my mentor and trainer . I am loving my new career and all the clients, friends, biz girls I have met and it is all thanks to you. You are a truly inspiring lady with a passion for helping others. Thank you" 🙏🏻❤️

Emma Hossack, one of my recent students on the NLP Kids Practitioner Skype course.
​I highly recommend this course, for a beginner or like me as a practitioner looking to specialise in young people. Thanks to Judy Bartkowiak and her course, I have had some tremendous breakthroughs with my clients and my own children. My sessions are fun, meaningful and really tailored to young people which makes this course very unique. Thanks Judy, I can't thank you enough !

I have been training NLP Practitioners in working with children and young people for over 10 years. I am certified as a trainer through ANLP and my courses are accredited to Sue Knight who trained me.

I qualified as an EFT Trainer with Karl Dawson although I've been using EFT with almost every client daily for nearly 3 years. 
​
 -​Qualifications

NLP Practitioner – Sue Knight
NLP Master Practitioner – Sue Knight
NLP Trainers Training – Sue Knight
NLP Sports Practitioner – Jeremy Lazarus
EFT Practitioner Level 3 - Karl Dawson
Matrix Reimprinting - Karl Dawson
Matrix Birth Reimprinting  - Sharon King
Matrix Past Life Reimprinting - Caroline Jane Dawson
PTT (Picture Tapping)  - Philip Davies
​EFT Trainer - Karl Dawson
Walking Therapy - Jonathan Hoban

We still have some weeks left of the school holidays and those of you with children going to secondary school in September will be aware that more and more, they are expected to take responsibility for their own property, homework and their behaviour. Each new school year brings new challenges and they need to step up a little bit more each term. 

Maybe you have children making decisions about subject choices, University or College, jobs or apprenticeships. 

As parents we want to help them, advise and organise so that we give them all the support they need. But, just check that you aren't taking over and doing too much for them such that they feel you don't trust them to organise their own life. 

When we do that, what we're saying is that we don't trust them to do it 'properly' or that they might make the 'wrong' decision, one that they might regret. It is important to give them the trust that they know best and can make important decisions for themselves. 

'The map is not the territory,' this is one of the NLP Presuppositions which means that our teen and indeed our child is really the only person who knows their own environment and experiences it first-hand. They are therefore in a good position to judge the best course of action so at least ask them what they think they should do rather than deciding for yourself. 

In my experience as a coach, children often don't tell parents when things are difficult because they don't want them to take action and draw attention to them. They want to try and sort it out for themselves. This is to their credit and builds confidence even if they make a few mistakes along the way, they get some learning as well. 

In the videos below, you will see me first talking about the Drama Triangle so you understand what I'm saying. Then the second one is a tapping script for those of you who find it difficult to step back from fixing things! 

If you always do what you’ve always done then you will always get what you’ve always got

This is a great place to start, isn’t it? What this addresses is the premise that certainly I as a parent believed which was that if you keep doing something, eventually it will work. This is a trap we can all fall into at one time or another, often without even realising that we are repeating the same pattern. As parents we may be particularly prone to this as we may follow the pattern we used with our first child with child number two and wonder what’s wrong when they don’t automatically respond in the same way. But our children are different and may each need a different approach. Continuing to repeat the same pattern won’t suddenly begin to work. It’s us who need to think of another way for that child which will be more appropriate for them.

As teachers, when children don’t understand one way you might be explaining a concept, you need to find another way, you can’t just repeat the same explanation hoping that the penny will eventually drop.

Many children expect their parents or teachers to change. ‘It’s all their fault!’ is what they’ll say. What this NLP pre-supposition says is that if the result (what you get) is not what you want, then it is YOU who has to change.

For many children this is a new way of thinking, a new way of taking responsibility.

Do something different.
If you do something different you will get a different result.

This is an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one? 

I love this expression and use it frequently,
‘What would you like to have happen?’

Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps. If you have a very young child, ask them to draw what they’d like to see happen. Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result a reality. Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.

You may find some resistance. After all, this may be a pattern that’s been going on since early childhood. I find using hypnotic embedded commands quite useful here.

‘I’m wondering what you could do to change this?’
‘I’m curious about what you can do to make this change happen?’
‘I’m wondering when you’ll find another option in this situation.’

Clean Language is useful here as well, especially using the time sequenced phrases. This enables them to understand what happens in order so they can see the structure of the behaviour.

‘…and when you’ve done something different, what happens next?’
‘…and when you do something different before, what happens then?’
‘…and that xxxx… tell me about that.’
‘…and when x does y…. what happens next?’

​
An activity I also find useful for this belief of excellence is using Story Cubes. Of course, you can simply get them to tell a story about a sequence of events that keeps recurring that doesn’t give them the result they want. However, I find switching to a right-brain activity such as drawing, storytelling or other creative activity helps shift them into a more imaginative frame of mind where they are more open to other options and changing a behaviour pattern. With the Story Cubes, you can ask them to tell you a story of what normally happens and then repeat the exercise telling the story in other ways to get the result they think would work better for them.

If you’re doing this in a school, it would make a great drama activity as groups of students create different outcomes for common playground misunderstandings. You could also set it up as an art activity creating different scenarios or ask students to take videos to show this.

I like the idea of writing a letter from the future to their younger self.
‘Imagine you have achieved this thing and you are writing a letter or text telling your younger self, your x (their current age) year old self, how great it is to be doing it.’

The idea of future pacing is to get the brain imagining and creating that outcome in the future where it has already happened. It’s like mapping your neural pathways ahead of doing the thing you want to do, so they know where they have to go. 

If you'd like to know more about how to use NLP to help your kids, here are a few things you can do that are completely FREE.

- Like my Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/NLPEFTKids
- Join my mailing list for lots of tips https://judybart.substack.com/
​- Listen to my podcast 'Understanding children and teens' Judy Bartkowiak

I would also recommend my latest books (well I would wouldn't I?!)  'Understanding children and teens' and 'Empower your kids!' . You can get a signed copy from me of course or buy from any of the usual places. 

Clearing childhood trauma

​I find EFT Tapping so good for clearing those subconscious blocks that talking therapies don't reach. We can go round and round in circles, trying to figure out why we can't seem to move on. By tapping on specific points on our body and tuning in to where that resistance is and where it has come from (often way back in our childhood) we can clear it and feel free and in flow. 

​The problems we encounter in our life, occur because we hold beliefs about ourselves, about others and about 'life' in general, that are preventing us from achieving what we want. Those beliefs were formed before we were six years old and you're right, we can't even remember what happened. This is because it was what we call a UDIN. It was: 
unexpected
dramatic
isolating
and we had no strategy to cope with it

As a result we went into 'freeze' locking the memory in our subconscious because we could neither fight or flight in that moment. We made a belief or decision at that time about ourselves. It may be that 'I am unlovable' or 'I am stupid' or 'I'm not important' or something similar. We then spend our lives attracting evidence of this belief because it is trapped and we can't access it consciously. 

We may also create attachment strategies such as being 'avoidant attached' - keeping ourselves safe emotionally, what we might call 'emotionally unavailable' because we learnt in our early years that we couldn't trust ourselves to love. We might adopt an 'anxious attachment' style where we were needy and constantly needing reassurance that we were loved. This of course pushes the avoidant attached partner away yet we find lots of partnerships with this push me pull you relationship which makes both partners unhappy. The ideal is a secure attachment and I can help you achieve this. 

If we didn't get unconditional love as a child, we seek the love of others and can't self-soothe. We put ourselves down, constantly apologise and never achieve all that is possible because we have low self-esteem. I can help with this too. I have had lots of clients who marry, thinking they will get the love they didn't have as a child but soon find that in the hurly burly of parenthood and married life, that their needs are not being met and they even lose sight of what their own needs are. 

I have a huge range of skills, expertise, activities and insight to help you with whatever you are struggling with so get in touch for a free consultation to meet me and decide if you'd like to work with me. If you do, then we have an initial 90 minute consultation, at the end of which we form a plan of what we want to focus on, where we want to get to and set up the appointments. You can choose a package of 4 for £300 or 6 for £400. 

Book your FREE 30 minute consultation here to have a chat and decide whether you'd like to work with me. 

Sharing my podcast on sleep issues. 
If you'd prefer to read about it, read on........

​

​Who has the sleep problem? It is important to first decide whose problem it is because I have sometimes been told that a child has a sleep problem only to find that the child is reluctant to resolve it because the benefits are more attractive than the problem.
 
Now I’m not saying that this is the case in your situation and sometimes things can start one way, with the child simply enjoying that extra time with Mummy or Daddy or it can start another way with a genuine nightmare or being scared of the dark or being alone, but when things have continued to become a pattern we need to examine quite closely whose problem it is. It is then up to that person to do the work.
 
I’m going to cover working with a parent and working with a child here so you have both.
 
First, though, I want you to think back to the first time the behaviour happened. What was going on at that time?
 
Children will be sensitive to situations in the family or in your relationship, that you may think you’re covering up really well. Death of a grandparent, for example, can affect a child more than you’d expect. Their world is very small and their parents and grandparents are people of influence so they will have a huge impact. If, when a grandparent dies, they feel they can’t express their grief because they can see you are upset, they will find other ways to get the extra attention they need. If this behaviour and the associated attention gives them that comfort, the habit may continue       because it’s now become a pattern that feels reassuring.
 
So, think about when it started. What happened just before? You may need to spend time discussing that with them and allowing them time now to express that grief or loss.
 
What happens is that a situation, issue or event can get associated with a behaviour such that until the issue is resolved, the behaviour will continue.
 
Children get stuck in patterns of behaviour that become reassuring because they are familiar and they can’t imagine another option. We can use visualisation to help with this. First, it’s helpful to know if your child is visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. A visual child notices what they see, they have great imagination, tend to be very creative and will be the first to notice if you change your appearance in any way. An auditory child will be more verbal, chatty, will probably love music and notice sounds and what’s said rather than what they see. A kinaesthetic child is active, fidgety and wants to be on the move.
 
Their language patterns will be different. Even if you find your child may have aspects of all three – visual, auditory and kinaesthetic – they will have a preference. Visual children tend to use words like look, see, imagine, watch, notice. Auditory preferences will be; sound, noise, hear, listen. Kinaesthetic preference will be any action or ‘doing’ word. Kinaesthetic children tend to be more physical too, wanting touch and cuddles. Comfort is very important so being too hot or cold in bed will affect them.
 
The reason I’m telling you about this is that it will help you know what to say to reassure them and to know what their focus is likely to be. An auditory child will notice every little creak and noise in the house. A visual child is likely to be more aware of the dark or indeed, light coming through a blind or curtain in the summer when they are trying to sleep and a kinaesthetic child will notice an uncomfortable bed, being too hot or cold or will want the extra cuddles.
 
When reassuring them, pay attention to their language pattern, for example:
 
Visual child
-       I’d like to see you tucked up in bed with the light off when I look in on you later
-       Have a look at your clock when you wake up, if it’s a number smaller than 7, read your book or draw a picture and I’ll look at it when I see you
 
Auditory child
-       I can hear that you are not in bed yet, I told you it’s time for bed, did you hear me?
-       Can you tell me when you’re ready for me to say goodnight
 
Kinaesthetic child
-       Get into bed, get a move on, you can do it! I’ll come in for a cuddle when you’re in bed
-       How quickly can you get ready for bed, shall I time you?
 
Obviously you know your own child so you can create your own versions with which to experiment.
 
Do your children believe you when you either threaten them or bribe them? Do they take you seriously when you tell them you want them to go to bed?
 
I’ve noticed that parents talk very differently to their children than to colleagues at work and of course they do, it’s natural. However, when your child is not listening or is not doing what you’ve asked, it’s a good idea to test out your work voice! After all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got. The difference is the belief behind the voice. Your work voice is delivered with the belief that you will be heard and what you ask will be done. Is your home voice asking your child to go to bed, delivered with the belief that it won’t be listened to and what you ask will be ignored?
 
Have a go at this yourself.
 
Use the voice recorder on your smartphone and record various versions of an instruction regarding the going to bed routine or the waking up during the night and not going back to sleep routine, whichever you have problems with.
 
Version 1 – How you normally say it (you may want to check with your partner if this is how you say it).
 
Version 2 – How you would say it, if you were asking someone to do something at work.
 
Version 3 – With the belief that you deserve to be heard and that you expect to be obeyed.
 
Listen back to your recordings. What do you notice? Experiment with them and perfect the most effective rendition.
 
Remember, making good eye contact is important and combine it with your child’s preferred language pattern.
 
Do you tell them what you DO want or what you DON’T want?
 
Example
 
I had a client who came to see me, very tired. Her daughter came into their room every night, got into their bed so she ended up sleeping on the floor because her daughter’s bed was too small.
 
She said, “Every night when I put her to bed, I tell her DO NOT COME INTO OUR ROOM, but every night she does.”
 
“What do you want her to do?” I asked.
 
She repeated that she did not want her to come into their room.
 
I then said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. But still she insisted that she did NOT want her daughter to come into their room.
 
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, focusing on what you don’t want and it can be hard to change.
 
I had to make it really clear before she eventually got it. I said, “I know you don’t want her to come into your room, but what DO you want instead?”
 
At last she realised and said, “I suppose I want her to stay in her own room”. I asked if she’d ever asked her to do that and she admitted that she hadn’t.
 
The next day, she sent me an email confirming that her daughter had stayed in her own room for the first time and everyone had woken up feeling refreshed for a change.
 
It is much easier for children to follow what we call a ‘towards’ instruction of what we DO want.
 
If you don’t believe me…
 
…DON’T THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS!
 
What are you thinking about?
 
Exactly.

There's a whole chapter in the book about how you can help your child including activities and EFT tapping scripts. Happy #worldsleepday 

You can buy my book on Amazon of course, bookshops and Book Depository. 

Do you ever get mad at yourself because you are struggling with something so easy? 

I do. 

It could be something like trying to thread a needle, work out how to use a new piece of software or how to express yourself in a difficult email. Maybe you're looking at competitive quotes for utilities or insurance? My hubbie has been doing that recently and I could hear him getting very annoyed at complicated it was. 

My current struggle is with some writing software called Scrivener. No I know that plenty of writers use it, there are lots of helpful You Tube videos and a tutorial on the website but nevertheless I am struggling to work out how to create new documents and where to put the website links for research. My novel is set in Victorian England and I have lots of research resources I want to access easily. 

I look at it, but in no time I want to give up. 

This morning I was out cycling with one of my cycling group, Paul, and we were discussing electric bikes and the idea of my getting one in order to help me up some of the steeper hills. It occurred to me that this was a nice easy (if expensive) option. 

But Paul said "You always seem to get up even the steepest hill" to which I replied "yes eventually". Then I thought about how I do this. 

One of the NLP principles is that we have our model of success somewhere, we just need to find it because 'we already have all the resources we need'. 

So how do I manage to cycle uphill?

The thing to do is to look at the structure and break it into steps.

1. I go down to the lowest gear I have.
2. I focus on the road just in front of my front tyre - if I looked at the top of the hill I would probably give up! I need to take it in baby steps. 
3. I maintain an even rhythm and listen to the sound of the tyres on the road or track, like it was music.
4. I might even make up a little song or rhyme to jolly myself along.
5. I notice how well I'm doing and imagine how great I'll feel when I get to the top and join my cycling pals.
6. I get there and have some water, enjoy the view and thing how amazing I am! 

​
​That's not me by the way! I wish! 

So how can I take this model of success and apply it to understanding how Scrivener works? 

Instead of giving up, deciding it's too complicated and feeling I'm hopeless, useless and incompetent, I could apply this model from cycling. 

1. Set myself up into a slow gear.
2. Make a list of what I'm trying to do so it's clear in my mind.
2. Focus on one small task at a time. 
3. Celebrate each new task completed
4. Imagine how great I'll feel when I feel I've got the files in some sort of order
5. Celebrate, a new skill learnt. 

You may need to learn a new skill due to changes as a result of the pandemic. Maybe you're starting your own business, going freelance, becoming self. Perhaps you're supporting a friend or one of your children to learn something new? 

Use this approach. 

Ask them where in their life have they overcome a challenge, learnt a new skill, persevered despite obstacles. What was the structure of their success in that situation? 

Children are always learning new skills, like the boy in the image above, putting on socks for themselves, laces, doing long division, multiplying fractions, spelling three syllable words and so on. Right now they are struggling with changes in their schooling just as you have been struggling with home schooling or managing to share the house with a family with different needs who all feel fed up. 

Once you believe you have the skills and just need to figure out where you have them, you have the answer. 

Sometimes it will help to ask someone else who may have the answer. This in NLP terms is called modelling. We grab someone else's model and apply it for ourselves. Look around you. Perhaps someone in your family can help. Rather than asking them to do it for you, ask them to talk you through their structure. You need 

a) all the steps
b) the belief that underpins them

Because - you won't succeed in doing this thing with your existing belief that 
- it's complicated
- you can't do it
- you're not techie

As I know now! 

Notice the finger pointing in this image below and the way Cinderella puts her hand to her heart in a 'what me?' pose? 

Here we have what Stephen Karpman calls the 'Persecutor' and 'Victim' roles. The 'victim' is a role we choose to adopt when we feel helpless and hopeless, we have no power at this time and in this situation. The person or situation we hold responsible for feeling like this, is the persecutor. In the case of the Cinderella story, it would be the ugly stepsisters and the stepmother. The finger pointing and the shouting indicate the 'persecutor' role. The persecutor role can also be occupied by a situation or condition such as 'covid', 'having ADHD', 'exams', 'lack of money' and so on. 

The third role in the triangle is the 'rescuer'. Like the 'persecutor' the rescuer has power. The 'rescuer' is the 'fixer'. They choose how to resolve the problem, taking power away from the 'victim' and although initially the 'victim' may be relieved and grateful, they soon realise that they now feel even more useless, having had their problem fixed rather than persevering and finding their own solution. 

Notice in the image below how the 'rescuer' is being comforting and the 'victim' is at a lower level, with her head in the lap of the 'rescuer'. 

The triangle is called a 'two up, one down' triangle, reflecting where the power is held.  

So why am I explaining this triangle to you? 

Have you ever felt like the 'persecutor', getting angry perhaps, shouting, pointing your finger, blaming? 

Of course you have. 

So have your children at one time or another, haven't they? 

But what happened just before they stepped into that role? 

Usually we experience 'victim' just before. 

Think about it. You've done everything for the family, you feel tired and stressed. It feels like no-one appreciates all you're doing. In that moment, we feel like Cinderella don't we? Our 'ball' may be a cup of tea with a friend, a relaxing bath, some time at the gym, an evening out with friends' but we can't go. We may blame 'covid' or 'the situation' but we're feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

In that place, it doesn't take much to trigger us into feeling angry. We move into 'persecutor' and shout, slam a door, or whatever we can do in that moment to be seen and heard because that is our basic human need.

The kids or your partner, move into 'victim' - "what did I do?' (see first image) and you feel guilty for losing your temper and move into 'rescuer' to apologise and may give them a hug (second image).

Another common situation is where your child steps into 'victim' saying they can't do their schoolwork, don't have any friends, miss their friends, feel bored and fed up perhaps. As loving parents, we step into 'rescuer' to fix this, coming up with suggestions, making plans, solving the problem. At some level they are thankful but may then become annoyed at your attempts and stomp off to their room, moving into 'persecutor'. We may bring them a cup of tea saying "I was only trying to help" (rescuer). But they may say 'go away" and you then move into 'victim' feeling sorry for yourself, after all you meant well. 

Your own family situations will vary of course but the essence is that 
- we move around the triangle
- we can occupy any of these roles in any situation
- no-one actually gets their needs met

I hope the diagram below shows this.

My new book, 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents', shows how to do something different. By accessing the relevant chapter; anxiety, anger, change, fear, friendships, learning struggles, sleep and so on, you will find a range of coaching tools to enable you to help your child without fixing. By guiding them through a exercise, explained in full, you give them the power to resolve their problem and feel good about themselves. They can now step away from the 'victim' role and feel confident and resilient, proud of themselves. You become a coach rather than a 'rescuer' and you meet your own needs of helping your child but in a different way that enables them to feel empowered, not have power taken away. 

This book will be a great reference book for parents of school-age children. 

sure you've seen this video, it's not new and it's been watched by millions.

I once attended a talk given by Dr David Hamilton entitled as his book, the 5 side effects of kindness. David explained that the drugs that doctors prescribe for depression contain an artificial copy of something we naturally produce in our body when we are kind - oxytocin. It isn't produced when parents say 'be kind to your brother/sister' or by us wanting to show how kind we are. It is produced when we feel kindness, when we feel compassion, empathy, when we reach out and touch someone who needs some love, when we think of calling someone who might be lonely. 

He starts his book with a quote from Kahlil Gibran, the prophet. 

He explains how kindness alters the brain, dilates the arteries and lowers the blood pressure. He shows how it reduces depression and the effects of ageing and that these are 'side effects' to the extent that when we are kind just for kindness sake, without expecting anything in return, we actually do get significant benefits to our mental health and wellbeing. 

At this time with our children going back to school and as we see a gradual opening up again of our world, surely this is the perfect time to be kind. When we, as adults, parents, are kind, we demonstrate it to those we care about. Telling children to be kind is not the same as showing them how to be kind. 

Shall we think of different ways we can show kindness? 

One of the kindest things we can do, and children often do it instinctively, is to listen without judgement, with an open mind and an open heart. When we do it without jumping to conclusions, make it all about us, and when we keep the conversation private, we respect the confidences and the sharing of secrets and create kind and trusting relationships. 

Being grateful builds a kind heart, focusing on what we are thankful for, what we like about our friends and family. I encourage my teen clients to keep a gratitude diary or journal to remind themselves, especially in these times, of how much they have and how grateful they are for all they have. It's a really calm way to go to sleep, to focus on these things rather than what they are worried about. 

Stroking your pet, looking after it, playing with it, also boosts oxytocin. I've written two books about Danny a therapy dog who sadly has passed now but he used to go into schools to help children read because they relaxed by stroking him and could read more fluently. They didn't feel judged and they believed Danny was listening. Check them out in my bookshop. The money from the sales of these books goes to the Bark and Read scheme run by the Kennel Club. 

Kindness has a ripple effect as you can see in the video above, as one person is kind to another, they in turn are kind to the next person. So each isolated act of kindness matter more than we think. 

We can also be kind to ourselves. Be accepting of our vulnerabilities. You may cry, you may weep, despair, feel lonely, unsupported, not seen or heard and in those moments we need to be kind to ourselves, not judge but be gentle and give yourself the understanding you need from others. But it also means speaking out for ourselves, not being put down. Stand up for what is right, what you believe and show your children how to do the same, calmly because it is our right to express our needs rather than assume they will be met by others. 

​Kindness makes us happy. It makes those around us happy. It is contagious so very soon you have spread happiness in your world. 

I have attended a number of Author interviews with The London Writers Salon, The Society of Authors and The Guardian Live and they all discuss whether they are 'plotters or 'pantsers'.  I thought you might enjoy doing the quiz I found online. 

The plotter is someone with a plan and sticks to it, working methodically through it ensuring there are no unforeseen problems. They are risk averse and wary of last minute changes to a schedule. Flexibility is not 'their middle name' so to speak! 

​A pantser is one who 'flies by the seat of their pants' . They go with the flow, take changes in their stride and have a more general broad brush idea of what they have in mind. 

Although I write non-fiction, I am a pantser in that my ideas flow thick and fast about my overall intention but the details get fleshed out along the way, often with structure forming much later in the process. 

When I thought about what kind of writer I am, I wondered if the principles also applied to life in general. Are there plotter parents and pantser parents perhaps? 

I am pretty sure I was a pantser parent, feeling my way, day by day and focusing on more general things such as 'is my child happy' but over breakfast this morning my hubbie was talking about an article he read about parents struggling with getting their children to bed and ensuring they had enough sleep. The article said that they were surprised to find that having a routine made all the difference. He commented that this was amazing that they didn't realise this and that we had always had such a routine. So clearly my perception does not quite match reality. We did indeed have a very specific and military bed-time routine even to the extent of lowering our voices, slowing our movement and using a monotonous tone to imply that staying awake with us was the most boring thing they could do. We would choose books to read that offered a gradual slowing down and less and less action based read, with fewer funny voices so they gradually succumbed to sleep as our voices reading the stories became more and more soporific. 

Other aspects of parenting were more pantser-like though as we tended to be quite flexible about activities depending on whether it seemed the children needed to let off steam or whether a more arty crafty activity would fit their mood best. 

So this got me thinking. Maybe we simply need to be aware of the two ways of being and have the discussion with our co-parent, as to which we should be plotters about and which we should be pantsers about because I imagine co-parenting with someone without having had these discussion would lead to a very confused child. 

Also, on the basis that our children tend to pick up our way of being, it might be better for them to have that flexibility to decide which approach best fitted what they needed to do. Because having a 'pantser' approach to homework, revision and so on would probably not be the best approach, a 'plotter' approach to making friends may be a bit restricting. 

I'm now thinking about dating...... well not me personally of course! But any of you who are.... are you plotters or pantsers on the dating scene? Do you make a list of attributes and plot to date someone who fits as many of these as possible or do you fly by the seat of your pants and date more by intuition and hope you'll connect with someone you enjoy being with? 

Sooo what do you think?