What a range of emotions we are feeling right now. I'm reading posts on social media from across the whole range. I've read posts from those who are overjoyed that things will eventually return to normal and that we can now see our friends and family, hug them, spend time with them and laugh again. I've also read posts from those who just feel broken after this long period of struggle. It feels like at last they can fall apart. 

Tears and falling apart, sobbing, extreme tiredness and also rage are all emotions we've had to keep in check, especially in front of the kids. We try so hard to be strong for them and it's hard to find somewhere to let all that emotion out. We are scared too. What if we can't get it back together afterwards? 

I've worked with a lot of women over the last months who feel they have to protect their family, support everyone, love everyone even when they are being insanely annoying or inconsiderate, unkind and just plain impossible. We have to be above all that as parents and especially as mums because having given birth to them we tend to feel responsible and their pain is our pain. We take responsibility for their feelings, wanting them to be happy and when they are not, we feel we have failed. When they are sad and angry we take the feelings on for them and empathise. But we have no control. We don't control Covid or Lockdown and maybe we don't even agree with the rules but in this case, we can't do anything so we feel helpless. 

In a few days they will be back at school. Promise me you will take the opportunity to allow yourself to fall apart a bit, cry, shout, rant and rave and then......................gently put yourself back together in whatever way you need, do what you need to do for yourself. The 'to do' list can wait. Maybe you just want to do nothing at all. This is the time to allow yourself to 'be' after a long period of 'doing'. The 'be' is your female energy and it is about nurturing yourself (even if you are a man, you have some female energy) just accepting what is and being there for whatever comes. 

You are enough, you are good enough just as you are. 

I hope this short video goes some way to introducing myself to you so you learn what I do, what is important to me and what I bring to my writing, training and coaching. 

I have been very busy over the last year writing two books, I can hardly believe it myself! 

The first came out in November and it is primarily aimed at those of you who work professionally with children who are experiencing problems. 

You'll find chapters on every NLP and EFT technique, how to use Art and mix it up with EFT to do picture tapping. Every exercise and technique is explained in detail and I've included examples to show how I've used the techniques with children and teens. 

If you are a parent this book will also be helpful although if you're not so interested in the NLP and EFT theory and want to simply help your child with fear or anxiety, anger, low self-esteem or coping with change, learning etc then my next book is for you! 

It's called 'Empower your kids! A coaching guide for parents.' The first part covers more general parenting use of NLP and EFT to improve communication with your child or teen. The second part takes every issue, a chapter at a time and talks you through techniques that will help as well as tapping scripts for each. 

I don't have any copies of this yet but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Once I have copies you can buy it from my bookshop. 

If you're looking for workbooks that your children can use to learn basic NLP and EFT techniques to help them with confidence, learning, resilience, anxiety and so on then buy them the Engaging NLP workbooks. You'll find each one gives you an extract so you can decide if they will be able to understand and enjoy the material.  

Do you have a teen who is addicted to their phone?

Are you also constantly checking it?

We are all seeking connection right now because being separated from our ‘tribe’ is and always has been, inherently ‘dangerous’.


So here are some tips, some ideas to try.

1. Instead of restricting your teen, allow them to spend as much time on their social media as they need.

When we restrict something, it becomes more desirable doesn’t it? Have you ever dieted, I have, and you want what you can’t have, even more. The fact that you can have mountains of veg doesn’t appeal when what you want is cake.

But if you could eat cake all day, it palls after a while and you seek some variety and other ways to meet the same need.

Experiment, if you allow your teen to be on social media as much as they want, will they tire of it and come downstairs seeking some ‘real’ conversation? Will they hear you and the rest of the family laughing at a comedy on TV and wonder what you’re watching? Will they hear you chatting in the kitchen and be curious, are you talking about them?

Draw them to you rather than insist on their presence.

    2.      Introduce them to the idea of boundaries to keep them safe on social media

Boundaries are when we know when something is inappropriate, rude, unkind, not acceptable, hurtful, just plain ‘wrong’.

It is about knowing when to say ‘no’.

Teens can be very reactive, responding quickly and impulsively to what they read or see online. Talk to them about how to stop and put in a pause before responding. You can do this best by talking about your own experiences. Maybe comment on how your boss or a friend said something you didn’t like and you were just about to say something to them, but you stopped and realised that maybe they were stressed out from juggling homeschooling and work, or worried about their child/mum/partner, or worried about their job or money and when you realised that they probably didn’t mean it, you felt compassion for them and replied quite differently.

Your teen is still a child, they are still learning emotional intelligence, they are novices in the world of grown up concerns and they need to be shown rather than told.

Talk to them about times they aren’t sure how to respond, what to think and what to do and ask them how they could stop, come away from the phone and just think for a moment or two on their options of how to respond.

In NLP one of the ‘beliefs of excellence’ is ‘the person with the most flexibility controls the system’ and this means that when we only have two options; do it or not do it/ do this or do that, we don’t have much control over the outcome. If instead, we have a number of options for example, asking

• did you mean what you said?
• are you Ok?
• do you need a (virtual) hug?
• shall we go for a walk and talk this through?
• I’m here for you
• you seem really mad right now, can I help?

Your teen will know what their options are but might need you to encourage them to stop and think.

Boundaries are about staying safe, not being drawn into things that aren’t their business, or their responsibility.

Boundaries are about knowing when to turn the phone off and go for a walk, come downstairs, go to sleep or whatever they need to do to be calm.

 Knowing who to contact if they’re worried I have spoken with teens who are supporting friends who are drinking themselves unconscious, cutting themselves, sending pornographic images, and things they are not equipped to deal with. Does your teen know what to do in these circumstances? They may not want to tell you but their school will have a safeguarding officer, counsellor, someone who is trained to help and will not divulge who has alerted them.

When your teen sees anything that alarms them, they need to have someone outside the family to speak to about it. There are agencies such as Child Line, Samaritans and so on and there will be specialist agencies for grief, support through cancer etc as well as local support groups your teen can turn to.
Make sure they have a list, they might need it themselves.

   3.  Ease off on the schoolwork This is not the time to do what they ‘have to do’ there are already so many things they can’t do that they want to do. Teens are responding by controlling the few things left such as refusing to eat, sleep, work. These are all ‘away from’ activities in NLP and they are detrimental to mental health.

Instead focus on what they want to do (that they can do) even if they want to bake a cake, chat to their friends. A happy teen is far more likely to get their work done than one who is being nagged and is unhappy.

Encourage them to focus on subjects or topics they like and do them, maybe once they’ve done those they can tackle the subjects they are less keen on or find difficult.

   4. Walk and talk

They love you and need your support so find ways to give this in a way that they will find easier than stilted direct questions in their bedroom ‘we need to have a talk’. You know what I mean. I’ve had a number of mums telling me that this is what they’re doing and it doesn’t work, but they keep doing it.

Go for a walk. Teens talk best when they’re doing something else. I run walking therapy sessions with teens and these work really well. They can stomp out their anger, walk fast to express frustration, walk slowly for calm, find metaphors in the clouds, the trees and buds coming out and in the silence where you hold space for them, you build trust so they can come to you when they need to.

Encourage them to walk with a friend.











    5.  Be the change

​Put your phone away when they are there, keep phones in bags and show that you want to connect, you are available and want to hang out with them. Encourage them to do things with you, like cooking or baking, sorting out family photos, rearranging a room, playing a game and eating together.
How can we tell them to put their phone away when ours is out?

How can we stop them taking calls when we do, even if we excuse ourself because it’s work?
In those moments, we are saying that what you have to do is more important than them. Of course that isn’t the case but their ego is quite fragile, much more so than might appear on the surface as they rant at you.

They need to know they matter, they are important and that you love them.

   6. Love languages We all experience love differently and different actions will fill our ‘love tank’.
Here’s a link to Gary Chapman’s Love Language quiz for teens
Your teen will be missing the banter or friends (it just isn’t the same on zoom as we all know) the hugs and squeezes, the laughter and the comfort of a shared groan when the teacher says something annoying.

Does your teen need more hugs and touch right now. Mine does (don’t tell him I told you!) I take every opportunity to touch his shoulder or back as I pass, smile, acknowledge him and listen, I want him to feel loved as he only sees his friends on screen.

Do they need words of affirmation? Do they need to be told they are amazing, that they are doing so well, that you are so proud of them, that what they have to say is interesting/funny/insightful?

Do they need things done for them, acts of service, their special treat for dinner, an unexpected cake or snack, a bit of help with an assignment?

Would a gift cheer them up? Many teens like to exercise and there are plenty of small bits of gym equipment they could have in their room to keep up their exercise or fitness regime or would they like a book, a game, new shirt, boxers with funny (embarrassing mum) slogan on?

The last one is ‘quality time’ and that is often what teens tell me they want more than gifts from their parents. Choose something they will find fun, something active and easy to set up.


Find fun games, even games they might have played when they were younger. My kids introduced us to ‘utensil jenga’ where you each choose a utensil from the kitchen and have to remove a jenga block with it. It was great fun.

Get outside to play games or exercise together.

Even if you don’t rate my ideas or think your teen will groan and return to their phone, you know them and will be able to come up with ideas that will appeal to them.


SUMMARY
 
It’s much harder to get a teen OFF their phone than it is to get them to DO something a bit fun and different. Why would they come off their phone when there is nothing else on offer for them to do? Work on ‘towards’ messages, drawing them to you subtly rather than tell them to get off their phone and make sure they have boundaries they can apply to keep them safe when they are on their phone because they do need that connection with friends right now…………..as do we.

​



​

Sharing some personal thoughts this morning.

This morning 8am and it’s Writers’ hour with the London Writers Salon. It’s what I do every weekday morning at this time, then sometimes again at their 1pm and 4pm sessions where I can write in community in a sacred space with other writers worldwide.

It’s the first day back after the Christmas holiday and whilst I have lots to do; catching up with my students taking courses with me to arrange sessions for this week, catching up with my Virtual Assistant, Jane with where we need to be with the diagrams for my latest book and planning the writing of the pre-school parents course for download, research for my novel and a few other admin tasks, I actually feel full of uncertainty.

This is not a usual state for me as I tend to be an enthusiastic worker , always keen to get on with what I have to do but todayI am full of uncertainty. I am very aware of children going back to school or not going back, are they, aren’t they? My son has just jumped in the car and is off to work as a photographer but will he still have a job, will he be furloughed again, what will happen? I have a number of teen clients who have really been suffering over recent months, they want and need to see their friends but will they have to endure another full lockdown with all the uncertainty about relationships and with parents 24/7 with whom they can’t share their fears as they doubt we old folk will understand.


Where before Covid, I was seeing clients weekly and maybe getting an update from parents occasionally, now it’s more of a hand-holding situation with clients on WhatsApp in full-on panic, tears and in need of emergency tapping. I’m introducing them to essential oils and meditation alongside EFT Tapping so they can hold onto some sense of control in all this uncertainty. I’m sending them links to specific relevant meditations and advising on which oils to use during the day for focus, calm, grounding or uplifting.
Sleep and eating problems are emerging and although I’m not a nutritionist, my daughter is and I know the basics of giving your body love through feeding it what it needs rather than stodge and fast foods. Most are struggling to sleep and the oils and meditations help there.

Many don’t have access to nature for walking and don’t want to go out alone, they don’t have friends who live nearby and don’t want to walk with their family so they are cooped up, trapped.
We are all filled with uncertainty and fear perhaps that even the politicians and scientists don’t know for certain about what will happen. What we all want to know is when will this end, when will we get back to ‘normal’ and fear that this is going to be a very long time and may not be any sort of normal we know from a year or so ago.

So how can we support each other? How can we support ourselves.

We can look at what is certain. What do we know for sure?

Focus on these things so that there are more things we know are certain than the list of things we are unsure of.

1. Look in the mirror, you are certain, you look the same i expect. Look at your loved ones even if it’s over WhatsApp or zoom.
2. Do a Body Scan meditation and check in with every part of your body, thanking it for being there to support you, be grateful for your feet, legs, back, arms and head. Be grateful for every sense; sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch.
3. Practise mindfulness, taking time to do something you nromally do as routine and savour every moment of it.
4. Walk in nature and take in the certainty of nature, how regardless of whatever is going on in the world, the trees and plants continue to do what they do and be there for us.
5. We have time perhaps to learn something new, read books, write letters, emails, poems, memoirs. Keeping our mind alert and savouring our creativity through the written word enables us to feel productive and grateful for this time of quiet and an inner focus.
6. Cooking, baking and making the most of the food we already have in our cupboards, using the recipes we can find online or in our books creates a space of certainty too. We need to eat and making it an enjoyable process which we can share with our family knowing we are keeping them healthy, is a great way to help us too.
7. There are countless classes online so maybe find something you would love to do but can’t. Loads of my friends are missing dancing yet there is music on our phones, speakers and easily accessible. There are plenty of youtube Zumba classes and dance classes. You know for certain you can sing and dance and it will uplift you in these times.
8. What else is certain? We all have friends we haven’t seen through this pandemic, friends we’d like to catch up with physically but can’t. Maybe we have seen them online but how about writing them a letter, find an old photo of the two of you together and share what you used to enjoy. The postal service is certain. Writing is certain and remember how great it felt to receive a letter? Buy some nice paper and get writing.
9. Sleep is certain or at least the night-time is. We need our sleep in order to stay healthy and resist infection. Sleep is when our organs rest and grow, rebuild and repair. If sleep eludes you, try some of the sleep meditations online, use EFT tapping (get in touch if you’re not sure how to do it) and use deep breathing to settle the busy mind.
10. Lastly, for you personally, think about what is certain in your life and every day practise gratefulness. You can get lovely 5 minute gratefulness journals to record a few things every day that you are grateful for, things that are certain. Maybe you’re grateful for the love of your children, your partner, your mum or dad, a close friend, your child’s teacher. Think about being grateful for your own resourcefulness and resilience.

Remember that you are doing a great job. Be kind and gentle to yourself. These are difficult times but when we focus on the difficult parts, the uncertainty, that’s what we will notice most and it will get us down. Focus instead on all that is certain.
​
Judy Bartkowiak is a family therapist working online with children, teens and parents. She trains the NLP & EFT Kids Practitioner Course online as well as courses for parents and children in confidence, resilience and managing emotions such as anxiety, depression, anger and low self-esteem. Get in touch.

I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them.

Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.

Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.

We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will, of course, find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do, but others will find it hard some days.

It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.

In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.

However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.

When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok, they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need to tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.

Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast. The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when there might be a sabre tooth tiger around the corner, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.

Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question sends them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened.

Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say, ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.

So now we understand and can help children understand, what can we do to help them?

1. Remind them that they are brave and resourceful. Focusing on when they are anxious and looking at them in that concerned and loving way we do as parents, simply draws attention to a state of mind that they don’t want. We are people of influence so what we do shows them where they also need to out their attention. Instead, mark out times when they are brave, smart, resourceful, creative anything positive.
2. Make a mindfulness jar. Take an empty jam jar and fill it with water. Invite them to choose different colour glitter for each of their thoughts – worrying thoughts, sad thoughts, happy thoughts, cross thoughts and so on. They can add the colour glitter representing each emotion into the water. Close the top and shake. Sit and watch as the glitter whirls around like their busy worried mind and then watch quietly as it settles just like their thoughts will do when they breathe deeply and slowly, noticing the worrying thoughts but letting them settle.
3. Self-compassion break. Invite them to put their hands on their chest and tune in to how they feel (this is a great one for you too!)

“I feel……………..”
Then stretch out both hands in front of you and say:
“Children/Mums/Dads/Teachers all over the world are feeling this right now.”
Then take your hands back to your chest and say:
“And what I need now is……………”
This is a great way for children to realise that they are part of a universe of children all over the world who are feeling just like them. They aren’t alone. It also encourages them to become aware of their needs. Maybe they need a hug, a glass of milk, to say sorry, to have some quiet time.

1. Five finger breathing. Hold your left hand up and use your index finger on your right hand to trace up the side of your left hand and gently run the finger up and down each finger of your left hand finishing with your thumb. As you go up one side of the finger, breathe in and as you go down the other side, breathe out. Now go back round repeating the action until you arrive back at the base of your little finger.
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Encourage them to write in it every day before they go to bed. Ask them to make a short note of what they are grateful for from that day. Many children are struggling with sleep at the moment and it is worse at night, alone in the dark worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I like to ask them to write three things to encourage them to be curious to find things they’re grateful for and ideally something specific not simply ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ but something they specifically noticed and were grateful for. Again you might like to do this too. Remember they will pick up on how you are… no matter how much you think you’re hiding it!

About the author
Judy Bartkowiak is an International NLP and EFT Trainer for parents, teachers and existing Practitioners/Coaches/Therapists. She shares her passion and skills in working with children and teens through training and has written myriad books on the subject. Judy owns and runs NLP & EFT Kids, which is a family coaching practice in Berkshire, England. Clients are typically children aged four to 18 years, their parents and sometimes the whole family.
Understanding Children & Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers & Coaches By Judy Bartkowiak

Today in my Facebook group I have a guest speaker talking about her My Mood Stars which are used my parents and teachers to encourage emotional literacy in children from the youngest age. We are used to using emoticons in our messages and social media posts and these small squidgy faces are brilliant for children because without having to use words, they can recognise the emotion and show mummy and daddy what they are feeling. Many takes Sleepy star to bed with them or snuggle up with Sad Star. You can play games with them, hiding them or asking children to name the emotion and Wendy has written lovely books to accompany the Mood Stars. 

But how do we get our mood in the first place? 

Here's a diagram showing the NLP Communication model. 

Let's start with the 'external event' this is something you see , hear or feel, touch, taste or smell. 

That experience has to be filtered otherwise we'd be in 'overdrive' all the time trying to figure out how we feel about it. So we 'generalise' by comparing it to other similar events we've experienced, maybe deciding that whatever it is doesn't matter because 'mummy always says that'. We 'delete', pay more attention to certain parts of the event (the parts that matter to us) and we 'distort' which means that we make a belief or a decision based on the event that may or may not be a fair representation such as 'mummy loves my sister more than me' or 'my brother is mean'. 

Other filters are called metaprogrammes and these are ways we prefer to process the information; maybe we like to have choices but we aren't given one so that makes us cross. Maybe we like to know the detail about the homework assignment but we've just been given an essay title so we are confused and don't know what to do. You can read all about these in my book 'Understanding children and teens' see the link below. 

After all this filtering, each child will create their own internal representation of what that even means to them. This will be unique to them based on their filtering and also their previous experiences and memories of similar events. 

From there they express a physiology and that is where the mood stars come in, this will be a facial expression and a body stance. 

This then morphs into a behaviour and this becomes the next external event. And so it goes on. 

I have a new book coming out very very soon, November 9th in fact. 

A bit like having a baby (I had four!) I'm nervous and excited at the same time. It was enjoyable writing the book but I'm not a huge fan of social media and marketing which you have to be nowadays I'm afraid to say. 

I'm going to have some books you can buy from my website which I will sign for you. It's great if you can support your local bookshops of course, especially in these uncertain times. 

So let me tell you about the book. 

When I started to write this book, pre Covid-19 in January 2020, it was my intention to share with you all my experience and learnings so that you would have a wide range of tools and modalities at your fingertips as professionals working with children, teens, parents and families. It had not been my intention to write for parents as I had done with Be a happier parent with NLP.  

Then Covid-19 turned our lives upside down. We all had to face almost wartime restrictions on our liberty, our finances and our ability to work. Schools closed and children were home-schooled while parents tried to continue working with nobody able to draw on extended families and friends for support. Many of us lost our jobs, homes and livelihood. Thousands lost loved ones. It would be fair to say that we all struggled, along with other families, all over the world.

As I was writing the book, parents were telling me how they and their families were suffering, how they were experiencing mental and emotional problems they hadn’t had before and they didn’t know what to do. I realised that what I was writing for professionals was also relevant for parents, many of whom would, in any case, be working in a professional capacity with children. I also recognised that teachers were also facing extreme challenges and would continue to do so for many months or even years. So, parents and teachers, this book is very much written with you in mind.

Whether you use these exercises for your own children or for those you work with, they are all fun to do and yield great insight. They enable healing through showing children and teens that they have other possibilities. They are no longer stuck and can change their patterns.

My guiding principles when working with children are:
-       Observe the body language
-       Listen and notice the language patterns
-       Listen specifically for the limiting beliefs
-       Be curious about where they might have the skills to overcome them
-       Find their models of excellence
-       Help them ‘join up the dots’
-       Make the learning and skills ‘portable’ so they don’t need me
Joining up the dots may be through:
-       Reflecting back using ‘clean language’
-       Feedback of a pattern you’ve noticed
-       Guiding them in an exercise which enables them to disassociate and see the pattern for themselves
-       Addressing a limiting belief through a technique from NLP or EFT
 
 
The analogy I use is this:
Imagine your client is stuck in the mud. They can’t get out on their own, and by holding out your hand to them, they can make their first few steps until they are back on the dry ground where they can run and play again.
You will have your own metaphor or analogy of how you work with your child clients or with your own child, and I think it’s helpful to have one, because there can be a tendency when you love children to ‘rescue’ them rather than coach them. As parents, we do still need to have access to that inner coach as children move towards independence. This is a time when you can’t be ‘fixing' or ‘rescuing them’ and they need to be forming their own coping strategies.
Finally, it is my intention that this book contains all the skills and expertise I have acquired over the last 20 years or so while working with children. We continue to learn all the time, and I share what I know with my students. You can book training courses with me via my website www.nlpfamily.com and I have listed resources at the back for modalities that I mention but in which I am not an expert.
 
Please support me and use this book to support your children. 

The kids have gone back to school and you're so proud of the way they've handled it. So you want to tell them so. Maybe you say "I'm so proud of you" or "You've done so well" but wait! What do they take from this? 

In order for feedback to be effective, it needs to be labelled. By this I mean, imagine your child's mind is like a filing cabinet. There are a number of folders in there. Each one is labelled with one of the values you want your child to espouse; family values. These might be: perseverance, being brave, kindness, honest, sharing, generous, sensible and so on. In order for children to understand what these are and live by these values, they need examples. So when you give feedback to them you need to tell them which folder it belongs in. With folders full of examples, it's easier for them to repeat that behaviour you want to see more of. So you'd say "You were brave today when you ....(give precise example such as, when you walked in and waved me goodbye). "  or "I noticed that even though you looked a bit nervous you persevered." "That was kind of you to show Max where to go.".

We've all heard of the feedback sandwich and this is the way we help children by cushioning the feedback between two positive statements so they receive both the good response from us as parents but gently contained within it is our feedback as to what they could do more of or less of next time. Although this can be delivered as a question, "how do you think you can make this even better next time?". 

Here is a list of tips for delivering feedback.

Feedback to children needs to be

1)Immediate – there’s no point in spending days thinking about it and then expecting them to remember what they did. Children have very short memories and will have forgotten what they did, what they did it and wonder why you’re talking about it days later.

2)Specific – you need to draw their attention to the specific thing they did or said and what exactly they need to do more of or less of because they won’t be able to read your mind. They need to know what you want from them.

3)Sincere – the feedback needs to reflect what you think and what you believe and be something they can see is of value to you. Use ‘I’ to show that it is what you think and don’t bring other people into it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Keep this between you and your child.

4)Short – avoid long sentences and lengthy explanations about why you feel like this it isn’t helpful. Use the KISS principle – keep it simple stupid.

5)What you do want – avoid the word ‘don’t’ tell them instead what you want them to do; either more of something or less of something.

6)Avoiding the word ‘but’ because your positive start will be forgotten once you use the word ‘but’. Replace it with the word ‘and’.

7)Accepting because you are not a mind reader so don’t presume to know what their intentions were. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt and look for their positive intention. For the most part, children want to please you but their map of the world is different to yours with other more pressing priorities such as playing!
​
8)Focused on the behaviour rather than being a personal attack on their identity.

I had all sorts of ideas about what I wanted to write about today and then I got distracted by a whole load of things I knew I needed to do, my 'to do' list. I love what I do and pride myself on being able to do something active most days in addition to my dog walk. I also make time to read and do yoga but the down-side of all these things is that the work stuff gets squished and then I get stressed because I haven't really allowed enough time for it. Obviously clients get their time, as do my students but it's the other stuff we have to do to keep the business vibrant and visible, social media posts, articles and of course, in my case, writing books. But today, i'm going rogue and writing just about how I'm feeling right now, which is overwhelmed. 

So what does a coach, whose business it is to help clients with their overwhelm, do to ease her own? 

1. My 'go to' is journalling. Many call it 'morning pages' although in truth I tend to write my journal at the end of the day as a 'wind down' from work and 'ease into' the evening or family time. I just sit with a cup of tea or a G&T and I write. I offload all the busy thoughts and once they are on the page, they are gone! 
2. On a really bad day of overwhelm I might have a bubble bath, close my eyes and just 'be'. Then I might take myself to bed for a nap. I 'ok' that on the basis that I am an early bird and am often working at 7am so an afternoon nap seems perfectly acceptable and a good way to get some rest before whatever I'm doing that evening. 
3. I tap. EFT tapping clears the energy pathways, leaving me feeling freed up and in flow again. I start tapping on the karate chop point, saying whatever I'm feeling. I might say "Even though I feel overwhelmed right now, i love and accept myself anyway." I say this three times and focus on where I'm feeling it in the body and the colour. Then I gently tap around the tapping points.
​

As I tap on each point, I say a reminder phrase such as "so much to do" , "feel out of control", "tired", "overwhelmed", and so on, depending on what has triggered the feeling. 
I soon begin to feel relaxed and more able to function at my best. 
4. I love music, I find if I put on my favourite radio station 'Magic FM' there's always some great music to dance to, so assuming no-one is around, I sing and dance in my kitchen and this also helps me feel happy and able to cope. 
5. I call my mum! My mum is 93yrs of age and is disabled but she manages well on her own. When I speak to her, I realise that what is overwhelming me is really quite trivial compared to what she has to cope with especially in recent months with lockdown. Even putting on her shoes and getting dressed in the morning takes her ages and she needs to rest afterwards. She is delighted by simple things like the sun shining, someone putting their head round the door to see if she's ok, a new flower out in the garden or an interesting radio programme. She's always happy to speak to me and I, her. Talking about nature, being in nature and thinking of simple pleasures like the kindness of neighbours gets me grounded again to what's really important. 

I'd love to say that yoga and mindfulness help me and indeed they do but when I'm really in full overwhelm, I need the above five things. Once I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed I am happy to spend time doing yoga or pilates, tennis, cycling and all the other lovely exercise activities but I am not an expert in yoga so it isn't relaxing. Perhaps it will be one day! I do mindful meditations and use essential oils before I go to bed and find that a great way to end my day. 

I'd love to hear what you do.