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1. In the morning when you’re getting dressed, imagine what a great day you’ll have. Think of the skills and qualities you’ll need and imagine putting them on as you dress, like your armour, to keep you safe and strong. You have a great many skills and qualities. If you find yourself thinking of an activity rather than a skill, ask yourself “so what skills must I have to be good at that thing?” and the same if you mention a school subject, “so what skills do I have that make me good at that subject?”.
2. As you have breakfast, imagine stoking up on positive energy. Calibrate how positive you feel on a scale of 1-10 and start thinking of things that make you happy that can take it up the scale.
3. On the way to school, list the things you’re looking forward to; making new friends, seeing old friends, meeting new teachers, exploring new topics, learning new sports, enjoying familiar sports and so on.
4. As you walk into the school playground, make eye contact with someone you know and walk over for a chat. Someone on their own will be very glad you did. If there’s a group, join in their conversation rather than starting a new one.
5. Everyone’s a bit nervous on the first day, so go easy on yourself and others. Be friendly. If you don’t get a good response, it may not be about you. If you haven’t said or done anything wrong, it may just be nerves on their part. Give them another chance.
6. If you feel a bit overwhelmed, which is perfectly normal, take yourself somewhere quiet and breathe. Breathe in for 6 and out for 6. Moving your breath around the body is the fastest way to ease any anxiety.
7. Smile, laugh and respond positively when you can. It eases the tension everyone will be feeling on the first days. Be agreeable. You may not support the same football team or like the same music, but you are all in the same situation, probably missing home, feeling sad the holidays are over and worrying about anything and everything so look for what you have in common, not the differences.
8. You will feel resilient when you take responsibility for yourself. Make a note of your homework, what you need each day and focus in the lessons. It’s so hard after weeks of not having to, so go easy on yourself and get some early nights and eat well. It’s called self-care.
9. If things really haven’t gone well here’s what to do to build yourself up for tomorrow. Fine a quiet place and put your phone on silent. Now do that breathe in for 6 and breathe out for 6 (it’s called heartmath breathing). Then think of one thing that has gone well. Now think of what one thing you want to do more of or less of tomorrow and imagine yourself doing it. Then remind yourself what you’re grateful for even if it’s just the chance to do better tomorrow.
10. To help you get to sleep do a body scan. Lie in bed and imagine a beam of energy from your eyes to your big left toe then imagine that beam going across your toes and under your feet. Feel the bedclothes under them. Then travel that beam up your body, squeeze and relax each muscle as you move towards your head. Then take the beam back down the right side of the body, again squeezing and relaxing each muscle along the way.

 

If I can help you in any way, give me a call or email. Check out my workbooks for children, tweens and teens.....parents and teachers. 

I have had a very busy summer training new NLP Kids Practitioners and helping children who for various reasons finished the summer term with very low self-esteem and feeling worried about returning to school in September. Parents decided to tackle this by enrolling them on my confidence and resilience programmes of four one hour sessions. Mostly these were face to face here in Burnham but I also did a great many on Skype which work so well as kids can sit in their bedroom and talk to me which makes it easier for mums who have other children and also for the child because they feel safe and relaxed. 

Let me share with you the one thing they all found really helpful. 

When they talked through things that had happened at school; teachers telling them off for things they hadn't done, other children being mean to them, friends dumping them for another person in their class, not being invited to a party 'everyone else' was going to, being bullied etc when I asked them to cross out everything they couldn't control, there was nothing left. None of this was in their control. 

We talked about the things that were in their control such as

• their body language
• their beliefs about themselves
• their ability to make other choices
• what they could say back
• who they could go to for help
• what skills they could use to respond differently
• choosing to be with other children
• acting 'as if' - fake it until you make it - pretending not to care

It was remarkable how once they realised and accepted that 

If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got

they could actually take responsibility for responding differently and get a different outcome. 

We have mentioned the importance of controlling your state and your communication but what if your sense of failure is a belief you hold from your past? Has someone in your childhood said or done something that has left you with the feeling of having failed or being likely to fail. This is what NLP calls a ‘limiting belief’ and you can choose whether to hold this belief or not. If the feelings of being a failure are holding you back from what you want to achieve or from being a happy parent then you may want to revisit it. 

I had a limiting belief about arguing and around conflict. My parents didn’t argue but bottled things up and then the explosions were frightening. My mum would go off for a long walk and dad would maintain a stony silence for days. I learnt to fear arguments and raised voices and learnt that it was dangerous to disagree. I internalised my anger and instead of expressing my views when they were different, I did what I saw mum do, go off somewhere and cry. When I got married my husband was a great cook and suggested making chips. I didn’t know how to make chips and made a mistake, Edward made a rude and insensitive remark and instead of retaliating that this was rather out of proportion with the incident, I drove off in the car and cried. My belief that I could not risk an argument was holding me back. Then I wondered why I was making such a fuss. I realised I was over reacting. So I went back and we kissed and made up and Edward assured me that it was OK to argue, he wouldn’t leave me, and he hasn’t! 

Some limiting beliefs that lead to feelings of failure belong in our past and need to be revisited as adults to check whether they are outdated. After all, we have changed since childhood, learnt more about ourselves, grown up and developed new skills that make those limiting beliefs no longer true for us (assuming they were then, which might well not be so because sometimes parents pass their own limiting beliefs on to their children). 

Sara believed that she was not clever enough for further education because her mother had left school at 15 and none of her siblings had stayed on at school. When at 40 she started to question why she had no qualifications and considered doing some through evening classes, her mother’s words were in her mind and indeed her mother questioned the sense in doing any learning at her age. It took a huge amount of faith in herself and her abilities to overcome this limiting belief but she’s signed up and can’t wait to start. The words ‘can’t’ have been replaced now by ‘but what if I can?’ and she’s moved on. 

When we feel those first self doubts creeping in, those destructive and limiting beliefs that we are not capable of doing something or a feeling that we have failed at something, we have the resources to reject them. Remind yourself of your skills. Remind yourself to use the feedback and your response to the situation as a resource to move forward and draw on the skills you have, perhaps in another area of your life to apply to this area where you need it.
 
From time to time we feel we have failed as a parent or a partner or lover, daughter or friend. This is natural after all we are not perfect. How do you think you have failed? What can you do to succeed; it is in your power. You can turn the situation around by asking yourself
 
“What would success in that context look/sound/feel like?”
 
“What skills do I need to achieve this desired outcome?”
 
“Where do I use that skill?”
 
“How can I bring it across into the area of my life where I need it now?”
 
Do a quick audit of your skills. This is a great help when you feel you’ve failed at something. What are you good at?
 
Write your list down and keep it handy. 

Now add in what others say about you because they see you in a different light. Perhaps you are self critical and don’t always see your assets or they are so familiar to you that you take them for granted.
 
My friends and family say I am good at………………
 
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
 
Now revisit those areas where you feel you’ve failed and look back at these two lists. Which of these skills can you take and work with.
Write down the skill here
 
I am good at…………………………………….
 
What does this say about you that you are good at this thing? What can you do differently by using this skill in the area you want to change? 

I can……………………………………………………
 
Try it and ask for feedback.
 
This exercise is very useful with children too of course.
 
Paul finds reading very hard and he gives up easily when he gets to a difficult or unfamiliar word. “I can’t do it” he groans and closes the book. Paul is very good at sport and plays quite aggressively, he tackles and perseveres until he gets the ball off the opposition.
 
“What makes you good at football Paul?”
“Because I like it”
“Don’t you like reading?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t do it”
“So why can you do football and not reading?”
“Because I am fast and because I am not scared of trying to get the ball”
“Are you scared of reading?”
“Yes because I keep getting it wrong”
“If that difficult word was a ball you would keep trying until you got it wouldn’t you?”
“Yes”
“Shall we pretend that each difficult word is a ball and that because you are fast and not scared you can work it out?”
 
Children are very good at imagining things and they use metaphors very naturally so it wasn’t hard for Paul to pretend each word he didn’t recognise was a ball and in fact applying his fast and ‘not scared’ skills from football he approached his reading quite differently, speeded up and was soon reading confidently on his own.
 
When you feel you can't do something, it’s good to use an anchoring skill to put yourself in a resourceful state so you can assess your transferable skills.  Here's a link to my blog post on how to anchor 

This was an extract from 'Be a happier parent with NLP' published by Hodder and written by Judy Bartkowiak NLP Author, Trainer and NLP and EFT Practitioner. 

Judy offers one on one coaching face to face and via Skype/Whatsapp with children, teens and parents. She also offers four-session programmes for confidence and resilience, anxiety busting and anger management. 

She offers NLP Kids Practitioner Training again via webcam on Skype/Whatsapp and face to face residential. Parenting Chats by the Aga for local mums in #berkshire #buckinghamshire #surrey #london #oxfordshire see Eventbrite 

As a children’s therapist, I see a lot of children who are afraid to fail. It’s a real problem and you are in the best position to help your own child. Here’s what happens. 

This curve represents fear, fear of failure, not passing the 11+, fear of looking stupid, people laughing, parents being disappointed, not getting to the school they want to go to, or the university, fear of coming third in the race, not making the school team, not being in the popular crowd, not attracting the boy/girl …….…..the list seems endless. Children have such high expectations of themselves and are very quick to be self-critical and slow to recognise their gifts and skills, shrugging them off as unimportant. No matter how much praise we give them, ultimately they need to believe in themselves.

Whatever the situation your child is going through at the moment, there is a process. It starts with Position 1 when there is some fear of failure. If they opt out at that point or if you ‘rescue’ them by allowing them to opt out, they can safely return to the Low Fear place. They have escaped having to do that thing they fear but they don’t feel good about it. They know that they haven’t made the most of an opportunity, they’ve perhaps allowed others less good than them to take the opportunity and ultimately they have made it more difficult to take a challenge next time. They actually lower their ability to perform.
If however, you encourage them to push themselves they have the chance to move round to Position 2. Here they get a sense of having pushed themselves out of their comfort zone and are beginning to feel a bit brave. They are doing better than others who have dropped back down and if they’ve managed to get to this position on their own, then they are feeling quite empowered. You can notice this and comment on what skills they’ve used to make this initial push. It’s a bit uncomfortable at Position 2 and they will be feeling nervous. If this is the first time they’ve ventured out of their comfort zone it will seem a bit of a scary unfamiliar place.

Now they’re on their way to Position 3 where things feel more uncomfortable. They may experience butterflies or knots in the tummy, they may feel hot and cold alternately and they may be tempted to quit. Encourage them by reminding them how well they’re doing and how proud you are of them and importantly how proud they should be of how far they’ve come. Remind them of where they want to be, what they’re aiming for. I help children with the symptoms for fear by using metaphors.

This fear, it’s like what?
If it was an animal what animal would it be?
Can you pet this animal and calm it down?
Can you quieten it, stroke it, tell it you’re OK?
And breathe…..breathing is a great way of getting yourself in a calm place.
 
Use mindfulness by stopping and notice how your body feels:

What is my experience right now?
Breathe and notice your breathing by counting it out and in
Reconnect with the present

As they move into Position 4 they will be experiencing the worst of the fear and it’s really important that they hang on in there because if they give up at this stage they will feel really bad about themselves because they were so close to achieving what they want. If they are visual remind them how they will feel when they see the results of their efforts. If they are more auditory, remind them of how they’ll feel when they hear how well they’ve done. If they are kinaesthetic, remind them how they will feel.

As they do that they are now on their way to Position 5 and are experiencing a feeling of relief that the worst is over. They’ve done it and survived! It was terrible but they did it. It doesn’t matter what the result might be because they’ve challenged themselves and overcome the hurdles themselves. They’ve learnt something about themselves and they have recognised that they have skills they didn’t realise they had. They are now in a great position for whatever challenge comes up next.

Each of these stages is a decision point when you need to be there to support them with reminders about what specific skills it is that they need at that point. This might be about putting themselves forward for selection, it might be about approaching someone to make friends, trying a new club, deciding to say ‘no’ to someone. Invite your child to identify what the steps are in their particular fear journey. Ask them what (if anything) they need from you at each stage. What skill would be useful at that point, do they have it? The certainly do so perhaps you need to remind them where you’ve observed them using that skill.

Rescue them at any of these points and they drop back down to the position below and eventually to the LOW FEAR position from where it will be even harder to do anything challenging. By rescuing I don’t mean helping. Helping your child to find their own bravery and resourcefulness by giving them information and supporting them with your time and money these are not examples of rescuing. Rescuing is taking away the pain or the fear by allowing them to opt out of it completely. Examples I’ve heard of are changing schools because the child isn’t making friends, going into school to explain things to teachers that your child could have said, doing your child’s homework for them, writing your child’s personal statement for Uni, paying off your child’s mobile phone bill, tidying up your grown- up child’s bedroom and doing their washing etc. Basically rescuing is doing things for your child that, had they done them themselves, would have enabled them to feel good about themselves. In the context of fear of failure, rescuing is saving your child from the chance of failure. I hope I’ve shown that by doing this you are also saving your child from the success of overcoming it and experiencing self-esteem as a result.
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Judy Bartkowiak is the author of the Engaging NLP series of Workbooks, other NLP books including ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ and ‘Self-Esteem Workbook’. She offers workshops and individual consultation in Marlow or Burnham and via Skype. If you have a child taking the 11+ exam you might be interested in ‘Passing the 11+ with NLP’. If you email me I can send you a free PDF of the book judy@nlpkids.com

​Get in touch using the contact form to book a Skype consultation for you or your child or young person. 

Stories get to the parts that other words don’t reach. They speak to you at an unconscious level. They enable you to convey information indirectly, to pace some’s current reality and then lead them on to a new one. To move away from problems to different outcomes. To open up new possibilities” Romilla Ready and Kate Burton.

Are you using stories to help children discover new possibilities? Children love the story cubes. Here are some ideas.

Fear of failure - tell a story where someone makes a mistake and learns something from it
Sibling Rivalry - tell a story where your brother/sister is the hero of the story
Anger - tell a story where someone nearly got angry but managed to stop themselves
Anxiety - tell a story about someone who managed to be brave
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I'm sure you get the idea. Make sure the child is projecting onto someone else. This isn't a story about them......or is it? That's how it works, by the child projecting from their own unconscious.

Exams are stressful, for adults and for children. The pressure to succeed, to get good results can put even the hardiest of grownups in a spin. Below are my NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) tips and techniques to help your child through the exam period avoiding the pitfalls of stress, doubt and anxiety.
 
Anchor a good learning state
Children (and grown-ups) can tend to get themselves in a state and having the ability to change that state is a very useful tool! Teach them how to Anchor a good state.
Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a moment they were really pleased with life or proud of themselves and ask them to squeeze their earlobe and capture the moment. Tell them that every time they are feeling on top of the world, then when they are feeling stressed or sad they can repeat that physical action and it will remind them what it’s like to feel good about themselves again. Details here.
 
Feel Confident
One reason why children don’t always feel confident is that they compare themselves with other children, usually ones who are better at something then them. Encourage them to compare themselves with how they were last month, or last term, so they can see how much they have improved in something. 

Remind yourself of your skills
Children very easily notice someone who can do something they can’t do, getting top marks or doing a handstand. They don’t so easily notice what they themselves do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.
Ask your child what person they want to be like, and then ask in what ways are they already like them? “If you can spot it, you’ve got it” is an NLP saying. It means we can easily recognize qualities in others that we have in ourselves. Point this out to your child where and when you have observed this quality in them.

Talk ‘Positive’
Switch their negative talk to positive. Children are inclined to use generalisations and distortions such as ‘everyone is better than me’. Ask them ‘Who exactly?’ and ‘How are they better?’ to encourage them to see the situation more realistically. Another way to switch to more positive orientation is to notice whether they talk about what they want or what they don’t want. Working ‘towards’ rather than ‘away from’ things tends to result in a more confident result.
 
 How does your child learn? Revamping revision strategy
Working out how best your child learns can really help them build confidence and get results.

Visual learners tend to speak fast, remember what they saw not heard, notice their surroundings, are good at thinking ahead, good readers, tend to doodle, like reading themselves (rather than being read to) answer questions briefly, would rather be shown than told, sometimes stumble over finding the right words, are not really bothered by noise.
Revision Tips: Visual children should use sticky notes, mind maps, lists, read and make notes. This will help them visualise the exam.

Auditory learners can be easily distracted by noise, like to read out loud, speak well, find writing difficult, learn by talking, love discussion, talk to themselves, more musical than arty, tend to speak in rhythmic patterns, are good mimics, can spell better out loud than by writing it down.
Revision tips: Auditory children should get a revision buddy to rest them verbally. This will help recall what they said as the answered the questions.

Kinaesthetic learners respond well to physical rewards, stand close when speaking to someone, learn by doing, want to act things out, move hands when speaking, speak slowly, like games, have messy handwriting, use action words, are physical and fidgety.
Revision tips: Kinaesthetic children should use computer programs for bite size revision. Interacting and testing themselves – the act of physically doing something- will help reinforce the facts they need.

Chunk down, to avoid overwhelm
Children, just like adults, have a preference for information presented either in details (small chunks) or in general (big chunks). If you present it in the ‘wrong’ way it can be difficult for them to process. Be aware of your own preference (too much detail! Not enough details) and see how your child responds. Perhaps they chunk differently to you. Then apply this to revision, help them split up the learning they need to do into a format that works for them.
 
 
Overcoming limiting beliefs
If your child is adamant they can’t do the exam, that they will fail then we can challenge that limiting belief and overcome it. Argue with the negative voice and question it. Sit down with your child and ask them ‘What if you could?’ Follow this with other phrases that focus on achieving their goal ‘What would it look like?’ What would it sound like?’ What would it feel like?’ By asking these questions of our children we associate with their goals. This means we get them to acknowledge that not only that they can happen, but that they will, because they can only happen if we visualise them. If we can imagine it happening then it will happen.

Mindfulness to ease anxiety
 
Children and teenagers need to learn how to mindfully choose what to focus on rather than allowing themselves to get distracted by worries and fears, anger and stress.
Mindfulness can enable you to stand back and review your patterns, the way you respond to situations that may not be terribly helpful. In a sense you are giving yourself therapy but it isn't about talk, it's silent meditation where your breathing is your focus and anchors the calm state where you can notice the thoughts, name them, accept that your mind will wander, and gently and kindly without judgement, bring yourself back to the present.
If you're interested in having a go and experiencing mindfulness - download the free Headspace app. 
 
If you’d like to know more about what I do or my new Exam Stress Buster courses, which consist of 4 x skype sessions please get in touch. judy@nlpkids.com  07917 451245

The metaphor of an anchor is very appropriate because when we feel adrift, lost, confused and overwhelmed by parenting it is helpful to put down an anchor to stabilize ourselves and find a calm place in my mind and body. We can rely on the anchor because it is heavy and solid and it won’t let us down.
From there we can access our resources to move on in what we’re doing. We use anchoring to achieve a sense of control and resourcefulness in any situation. As parents we might use it when:

• The baby’s crying and you’ve done everything (changed nappy, fed her, cuddled her etc). You want to cry too.
• School holidays and the kids are screaming at each other they are bored and you’re clean out of ideas.
• Your toddler’s has just refused to eat his food again and you’ve cooked it just the way he likes it.
• Your boss wants you to do a presentation but it’s on your son’s sports day and you feel torn

The sense of calm you get from anchoring can help you find that inner resource and bring it out when and where you need it. You can anchor anywhere at any time and it takes seconds.

And you can teach this technique to your child or young person. 
 
 What is it?
Your anchor could be an image or a picture (if they are visual), a sound or piece of music (if they are auditory) or an action (if they are kinaesthetic). If they're not sure, there is a quiz in NLP for Children 

Help them choose an anchor that they can easily access anywhere because you need it to be something that doesn’t draw attention to themselves at school or with their friends. If they are in the playground or park, a friend’s house or a birthday party they won’t want to be doing anything strange that their friends will notice.

Good anchors are natural actions such as picturing you or their pet if they are visual, quietly humming some music if they are auditory or maybe a 'thumbs up sign'  if they are kinaesthetic.
  
Step 1 – Establishing the anchor
Ask them to close their eyes and think about a time or situation when they feel calm and relaxed, strong and in control.  Suggest they imagine themselves there now. Maybe they'd like to go there, draw it or talk about it. 
Ask them - What can you see? Describe the scene as if they are there now, maybe they are actually there.  Suggest they increase the brightness and focus on everything in their picture.
What can they hear? Is there music, are people talking?
What are they doing? What is happening? Is it hot or cold, how do they feel?
When they are really feel associated into the situation and as calm and confident as you think they could possibly be, fire the anchor. Do the thing you have decided to do as your anchor.

Step 2 – Break state
When they seem to have lost the calm state - you can tell because they might open their eyes or start fidgeting, ask them to pretend to sneeze on an imaginary ice cream. This is a great way to 'break state' .

Step 3 – Fire it again
Repeat step 1 and ask them again to make the images, sounds and feelings very strong before they fire the anchor.

Step 4 – Break state
Change their state for a minute

Step 5 – Fire it again
Repeat the process. It will probably be quite quick by now.

Now they have their anchor, suggest they use it whenever they need that resource. You can help them establish different anchors for other resources.

Even very small children can quickly anchor a feeling of being brave. You will need to help them recall when they were brave and describe it to them as they establish the anchor. Use the same words each time as this helps them remember it for themselves. 

​If you want any help with this process please email me and I'll go through it with you one on one. 

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it. 

In a family situation it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

In the family you would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.

Parents need to know how to give choice when there is none because offering choices is not always an option when you want your children to get dressed to go to school by a certain time, eat healthy meals or do their homework. If you have older children you may not want to give them choices about what time to come home or where they go and with whom.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

There is always a choice, not just in terms of the ‘how’ but also a choice in how you ask. You can speak in rapport, using your child’s preferred language pattern – visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. If they are talking about what they don’t want e.g. “I don’t want to put on my shirt” mention something you don’t want in order to match them “and I don’t want to be late for the bus.” If they say ‘yes but’ or ‘no’ this is a mismatch pattern which you can still match for rapport by using the same pattern ‘yes but homework needs to be done first’ or ‘no, it has to be done first, then TV.

Learning about NLP means that we have choices based on more knowledge about ourselves and how we see our world and a better understanding of the other person’s world. We can then choose how we want to communicate with them.
​
Even when there appears to be no choice in the ‘what’ that we have to do, there is always a choice in the ‘how’. These choices give us flexibility which puts us in control if we choose to be. 

​Have you heard the expression “Don’t think about pink elephants!” What do we find ourselves doing? Thinking about pink elephants of course. In order to make sense of the instruction, we first have to get a picture in our head of a pink elephant. So we have now done exactly what we have been told not to do even though it wasn’t our intention. That’s how negative goals work too. As we focus on what we don’t want, inadvertently we are actually getting it.
​
Thinking about what you don’t want is problem thinking whereas thinking about what you do want is outcome thinking.

It happens sometimes with children doesn’t it? You say ‘Be careful not to fall!’ and then they do just that. It’s because subconsciously they’ve heard the instruction to fall and they’ve focused on that word.
 
It may seem obvious to focus on what you want but the meaning of the communication is the response it elicits. I recently had a client who told me that every night her daughter comes in and wakes her up several times during the night. She said “I tell her every night ‘do not disturb me during the night’ and yet she does it again. I don’t know what to do.” She has told her daughter not to come in, not to wake her up or disturb her but she hasn’t told her what she does want instead. How much more effective, and what a much clearer communication to tell her daughter to stay in her room until the morning?
​
It’s not just about what we say and how we think, it’s the way we live our life and what we notice. When we notice what’s going well, the good decisions and choices we make and notice the steps we are making along the road to our goal rather than pouncing on the disappointments and false moves, that we will find ourselves closer to our goal.
 
Focusing on what we do want rather than on what we don’t want is a matter of thinking first what we really want, imagining what it will be like and taking it on as our identity. 

-As parents or teachers, carers of children, you have a very important role to play in giving them feedback. Feedback is a gift of love that shows you care about them and have an investment in their personal development. Can there be anything worse than being ignored? Children need to know that you’re paying attention to them and they want to know where they need to make changes because that’s your job as a parent, to guide them so they can achieve all they can in life.
Encourage children to give themselves feedback. We all, even children, have a nagging little inner voice that gets cross and tells us off but it needs to learn how to give feedback in a way that we can learn from it, not feel permanently stupid and lose confidence.
Here’s how to do it:

1. What specifically went well today? (3 things)
2. What could have been better? (1 thing)
3. How could I do that better next time?
4. Overall, what lessons have I learnt?

You can teach this to pre-school children upwards. Encourage them to ‘read’ feedback non - verbally so ask them how they know something went well. What were the signs? Were they noticing what people said or how they looked or what they did?
We have a tendency to have a preference whether visual, auditory or kinaesthetic so if your child generally tends to notice people’s visual response to them, encourage them to also listen to what is said and what I done so that you can open their minds up to all three types of feedback. 

Feedback to children needs to be

1. Immediate – there’s no point in spending days thinking about it and then expecting them to remember what they did. Children have very short memories and will have forgotten what they did, what they did it and wonder why you’re talking about it days later.
2. Specific – you need to draw their attention to the specific thing they did or said and what exactly they need to do more of or less of because they won’t be able to read your mind. They need to know what you want from them.
3. Sincere – the feedback needs to reflect what you think and what you believe and be something they can see is of value to you. Use ‘I’ to show that it is what you think and don’t bring other people into it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Keep this between you and your child.
4. Short – avoid long sentences and lengthy explanations about why you feel like this it isn’t helpful. Use the KISS principle – keep it simple stupid.
5. What you do want – avoid the word ‘don’t’ tell them instead what you want them to do; either more of something or less of something.
6. Avoiding the word ‘but’ because your positive start will be forgotten once you use the word ‘but’. Replace it with the word ‘and’.
7. Accepting because you are not a mind reader so don’t presume to know what their intentions were. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt and look for their positive intention. For the most part, children want to please you but their map of the world is different to yours with other more pressing priorities such as playing!
8. Focused on the behaviour rather than being a personal attack on their identity.

 
The giving and receiving of feedback is how we learn. As parents we can be inclined to jump in and do things for our children, take responsibility for organising them and their free time, even decide when and where homework should be done. Allowing children to take responsibility from an early age means that they will make mistakes and our job is to allow them to do that and let them get the learning so that the next time they do it, they do it better. The best way to show them how to respond is to pause, be curious about the learning and thank the giver of the feedback.

Give feedback to your children with love and focus on how they can learn from it and become the excellent human being you want them to be.