I find that they underpin it in such a way that if I get stuck, just by applying one of these rules I can find a solution.
Each one makes you stop and think differently. It challenges you to assess whether what you do now, works or if by changing it, you could get a better outcome.
NLP is completely focussed on positivity, aiming for a positive outcome, a compelling outcome that is desirable for you. The focus is on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.
There are even some toxic words that by avoiding will steer you a positive, resourceful path.
NLP uses a great deal too much jargon in my opinion and so I have reworded some of the concepts to make them more digestible as you will want to pass them on to your children.
What it says is that if the result you are getting such as your children’s behaviour is not what you want then you must change your own behaviour in order to get a different result.
We tend to think as parents that it is their behaviour that must be changed and we carry on telling them off, shouting at them and getting cross.
So here is a new way of thinking.
Do something different.
If you do something different you will get a different result.
The first way to do this is to decide what result you want. There could be any number of results such as children doing what they are told, not throwing things, shouting and so on.
Think of a situation that occurs frequently in your family that you’d like to change. Write it down here.
I want to change………..
Now think about what you would like to happen. What is your desirable outcome? Write that down now.
What I want to happen is………
When you decide on what result you want you need to be quite specific and get to the detail. What exactly do you want, from whom, when and in what way? Write this down here.
I want ………………………….
The more specific you can be about what you want to happen the easier it will be to decide how to change what you are currently doing in order to achieve it.
Your current behaviour pattern is dictated by your beliefs. The reason you are shouting or using the words you are using, telling them to do certain things is because you have a belief that it is important for them to do what you ask.
This belief stems from your own childhood and how you were brought up, what you consider to be of value and important about how to bring up children. This may also have come from the mores of the culture you are from, the area or region and who you spend time with in your environment.
If what you are doing is not working then look at the underlying belief for this behaviour.
Are you sure your underlying belief is sound? Could you be carrying forward into the present a belief that belongs in the past?
Look back at the situation you have written about and list all the beliefs that underpin your thinking. What do you hold in your head about what should happen in that situation?
I believe that…………
I believe that………….
I believe that…………..
Where have those beliefs come from?
Are they valid for you today? Are they serving you well or making life more difficult?
Could you re-think a belief so that you could make other choices of behaviour?
Whenever you find yourself thinking ‘I should do….’ - change it to, ‘I could do…’ so that you give yourself permission to do something different.
Do your beliefs limit your choices of behaviour? Increase your options and change your behaviour to get the result you want.
This is of course an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one. They have the same choices as you.
Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps.
Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result happen for them.
Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.
This process requires that they step into the shoes of the other people involved in the situation rather than just look at it from their point of view. This is an enormously powerful tool that they can learn as a toddler and apply throughout their life.