I have a new book coming out very very soon, November 9th in fact. 

A bit like having a baby (I had four!) I'm nervous and excited at the same time. It was enjoyable writing the book but I'm not a huge fan of social media and marketing which you have to be nowadays I'm afraid to say. 

I'm going to have some books you can buy from my website which I will sign for you. It's great if you can support your local bookshops of course, especially in these uncertain times. 

So let me tell you about the book. 

When I started to write this book, pre Covid-19 in January 2020, it was my intention to share with you all my experience and learnings so that you would have a wide range of tools and modalities at your fingertips as professionals working with children, teens, parents and families. It had not been my intention to write for parents as I had done with Be a happier parent with NLP.  

Then Covid-19 turned our lives upside down. We all had to face almost wartime restrictions on our liberty, our finances and our ability to work. Schools closed and children were home-schooled while parents tried to continue working with nobody able to draw on extended families and friends for support. Many of us lost our jobs, homes and livelihood. Thousands lost loved ones. It would be fair to say that we all struggled, along with other families, all over the world.

As I was writing the book, parents were telling me how they and their families were suffering, how they were experiencing mental and emotional problems they hadn’t had before and they didn’t know what to do. I realised that what I was writing for professionals was also relevant for parents, many of whom would, in any case, be working in a professional capacity with children. I also recognised that teachers were also facing extreme challenges and would continue to do so for many months or even years. So, parents and teachers, this book is very much written with you in mind.

Whether you use these exercises for your own children or for those you work with, they are all fun to do and yield great insight. They enable healing through showing children and teens that they have other possibilities. They are no longer stuck and can change their patterns.

My guiding principles when working with children are:
-       Observe the body language
-       Listen and notice the language patterns
-       Listen specifically for the limiting beliefs
-       Be curious about where they might have the skills to overcome them
-       Find their models of excellence
-       Help them ‘join up the dots’
-       Make the learning and skills ‘portable’ so they don’t need me
Joining up the dots may be through:
-       Reflecting back using ‘clean language’
-       Feedback of a pattern you’ve noticed
-       Guiding them in an exercise which enables them to disassociate and see the pattern for themselves
-       Addressing a limiting belief through a technique from NLP or EFT
 
 
The analogy I use is this:
Imagine your client is stuck in the mud. They can’t get out on their own, and by holding out your hand to them, they can make their first few steps until they are back on the dry ground where they can run and play again.
You will have your own metaphor or analogy of how you work with your child clients or with your own child, and I think it’s helpful to have one, because there can be a tendency when you love children to ‘rescue’ them rather than coach them. As parents, we do still need to have access to that inner coach as children move towards independence. This is a time when you can’t be ‘fixing' or ‘rescuing them’ and they need to be forming their own coping strategies.
Finally, it is my intention that this book contains all the skills and expertise I have acquired over the last 20 years or so while working with children. We continue to learn all the time, and I share what I know with my students. You can book training courses with me via my website www.nlpfamily.com and I have listed resources at the back for modalities that I mention but in which I am not an expert.
 
Please support me and use this book to support your children. 

The kids have gone back to school and you're so proud of the way they've handled it. So you want to tell them so. Maybe you say "I'm so proud of you" or "You've done so well" but wait! What do they take from this? 

In order for feedback to be effective, it needs to be labelled. By this I mean, imagine your child's mind is like a filing cabinet. There are a number of folders in there. Each one is labelled with one of the values you want your child to espouse; family values. These might be: perseverance, being brave, kindness, honest, sharing, generous, sensible and so on. In order for children to understand what these are and live by these values, they need examples. So when you give feedback to them you need to tell them which folder it belongs in. With folders full of examples, it's easier for them to repeat that behaviour you want to see more of. So you'd say "You were brave today when you ....(give precise example such as, when you walked in and waved me goodbye). "  or "I noticed that even though you looked a bit nervous you persevered." "That was kind of you to show Max where to go.".

We've all heard of the feedback sandwich and this is the way we help children by cushioning the feedback between two positive statements so they receive both the good response from us as parents but gently contained within it is our feedback as to what they could do more of or less of next time. Although this can be delivered as a question, "how do you think you can make this even better next time?". 

Here is a list of tips for delivering feedback.

Feedback to children needs to be

1)Immediate – there’s no point in spending days thinking about it and then expecting them to remember what they did. Children have very short memories and will have forgotten what they did, what they did it and wonder why you’re talking about it days later.

2)Specific – you need to draw their attention to the specific thing they did or said and what exactly they need to do more of or less of because they won’t be able to read your mind. They need to know what you want from them.

3)Sincere – the feedback needs to reflect what you think and what you believe and be something they can see is of value to you. Use ‘I’ to show that it is what you think and don’t bring other people into it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Keep this between you and your child.

4)Short – avoid long sentences and lengthy explanations about why you feel like this it isn’t helpful. Use the KISS principle – keep it simple stupid.

5)What you do want – avoid the word ‘don’t’ tell them instead what you want them to do; either more of something or less of something.

6)Avoiding the word ‘but’ because your positive start will be forgotten once you use the word ‘but’. Replace it with the word ‘and’.

7)Accepting because you are not a mind reader so don’t presume to know what their intentions were. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt and look for their positive intention. For the most part, children want to please you but their map of the world is different to yours with other more pressing priorities such as playing!
​
8)Focused on the behaviour rather than being a personal attack on their identity.

I had all sorts of ideas about what I wanted to write about today and then I got distracted by a whole load of things I knew I needed to do, my 'to do' list. I love what I do and pride myself on being able to do something active most days in addition to my dog walk. I also make time to read and do yoga but the down-side of all these things is that the work stuff gets squished and then I get stressed because I haven't really allowed enough time for it. Obviously clients get their time, as do my students but it's the other stuff we have to do to keep the business vibrant and visible, social media posts, articles and of course, in my case, writing books. But today, i'm going rogue and writing just about how I'm feeling right now, which is overwhelmed. 

So what does a coach, whose business it is to help clients with their overwhelm, do to ease her own? 

1. My 'go to' is journalling. Many call it 'morning pages' although in truth I tend to write my journal at the end of the day as a 'wind down' from work and 'ease into' the evening or family time. I just sit with a cup of tea or a G&T and I write. I offload all the busy thoughts and once they are on the page, they are gone! 
2. On a really bad day of overwhelm I might have a bubble bath, close my eyes and just 'be'. Then I might take myself to bed for a nap. I 'ok' that on the basis that I am an early bird and am often working at 7am so an afternoon nap seems perfectly acceptable and a good way to get some rest before whatever I'm doing that evening. 
3. I tap. EFT tapping clears the energy pathways, leaving me feeling freed up and in flow again. I start tapping on the karate chop point, saying whatever I'm feeling. I might say "Even though I feel overwhelmed right now, i love and accept myself anyway." I say this three times and focus on where I'm feeling it in the body and the colour. Then I gently tap around the tapping points.
​

As I tap on each point, I say a reminder phrase such as "so much to do" , "feel out of control", "tired", "overwhelmed", and so on, depending on what has triggered the feeling. 
I soon begin to feel relaxed and more able to function at my best. 
4. I love music, I find if I put on my favourite radio station 'Magic FM' there's always some great music to dance to, so assuming no-one is around, I sing and dance in my kitchen and this also helps me feel happy and able to cope. 
5. I call my mum! My mum is 93yrs of age and is disabled but she manages well on her own. When I speak to her, I realise that what is overwhelming me is really quite trivial compared to what she has to cope with especially in recent months with lockdown. Even putting on her shoes and getting dressed in the morning takes her ages and she needs to rest afterwards. She is delighted by simple things like the sun shining, someone putting their head round the door to see if she's ok, a new flower out in the garden or an interesting radio programme. She's always happy to speak to me and I, her. Talking about nature, being in nature and thinking of simple pleasures like the kindness of neighbours gets me grounded again to what's really important. 

I'd love to say that yoga and mindfulness help me and indeed they do but when I'm really in full overwhelm, I need the above five things. Once I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed I am happy to spend time doing yoga or pilates, tennis, cycling and all the other lovely exercise activities but I am not an expert in yoga so it isn't relaxing. Perhaps it will be one day! I do mindful meditations and use essential oils before I go to bed and find that a great way to end my day. 

I'd love to hear what you do. 

Very shortly, children will be putting on their school uniform again, new shoes perhaps and they will be heading off to school. Teachers, throughly briefed and prepared will be excitedly waiting for them to bring those empty classrooms to life again with their laughter and chatter. But whilst on the face of it, things will be as close as possible to 'normal', undoubtedly each child and teacher will bring their own niggles, concerns, wobbles. Children inevitably pick up on parents' anxiety and however excited they may seem about their children going back to school, knowing they need to be there for everyone's mental health, there may be some natural loving concerns about how those first days will go. 

Even without Covid, first days back at school can be quite challenging. Who will they be sitting next to? Will their new teacher be kind? Will they make friends? Will the work be hard? 

There will be times during the day, arrival, playground, registration, moving between classrooms, subject changes, break time, lunch time, changing rooms for PE and end of the day, when there is potential for anxious wobbly feeling, butterflies in the tummy, sick feelings, headaches. 

EFT Tapping derives from ancient Chinese medicine which focuses on the body's meridians running throughout the body sending energy through all the organs. When we tap on points on these meridians we clear any blockages which are believed to be caused by negative thoughts and feelings which disrupt the energy flow. It works a bit like acupuncture (only without the needles!) or reflexology. In standard EFT we say aloud what we are feeling as we tap but this would be very noisy in a classroom so we tap silently whilst we focus our minds on those feelings. 

I suggest this is led by the teacher initially but as children get used to how good it feels to get that sense of calm and be in a great learning state, children will start tapping as soon as they sit down at their desks. Children can even initiate it when they sense that their class needs to settle. 

I'm running a series of free training events for teachers, the first of which is Wednesday 2nd September at 7pm. You can sign up on Eventbrite. https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/silent-tapping-technique-for-a-calm-classroom-and-children-ready-to-learn-tickets-118120155565

This process is described in detail in the book, 'Do the Nattylala' by Phil Reed and Annie Moodliar. It is a great book which goes into the background of EFT and tapping, how it works and how Annie used it in her classroom with great success. 

I've been training parents, teachers and existing practitioners for over 10 years; sharing my knowledge and experience, things I've learnt on courses and workshops. The focus has always been on children and teens and their parents. My training combines all the elements of what I feel makes for a healer or therapist who can intuitively select from their repertoire and experience, whatever they feel their client will need in that moment. It could be nothing. It could be silence, it could be just listening without judgement. Or it could be an exercise; a Time Line, a Perceptual Positioning, some tapping, drawing, it could be a meditation.

First I'll tell you about my existing course. 

NLP Kids Practitioner Training course

The training course comprises 12 one hour modules, delivered individually to suit your time constraints and commitments. Some like to do it intensively over a few days, others do it over months. You can pay as you go or pay up front. I don't want anyone to miss out on their opportunity to learn how to help children because they don't have the money all at once.

You will learn lots of tools and techniques that will help children to:  

1. Find different choices and solutions to issues they face at school and at home
2. Overcome limiting beliefs including those created in earlier childhood
3. Boost their confidence and self-esteem
4. Manage their anger and causes of it
5. Manage their anxiety and causes of it
6. Learn more effectively by boosting their concentration and focus
7. Improve their communication skills and rapport
8. Improve their physical performance
9. Manage the feedback they get and turn it into learning

What will you learn? 

Module 1 – Introduction to the course , what is NLP and how it works with children and parents. How you want to use it and create training schedule. 
Module 2 – Beliefs of excellence / NLP Pre-suppositions.
Module 3 – VAK and the Metaprogrammes, Deletions, Distortions and Generalisations
Module 4 – Compelling Outcomes, Anchoring, visualisation, vision boards, Logical Levels
Module 5 – EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
Module 6 – PTT (Picture Tapping Technique)
Module 7  - Time Line and inner child work
Module 8 –  Overcoming limiting beliefs : Perceptual Positioning, Parts Integration, Logical Levels of Change and Time Line 
Module 9 – Art Therapy - Using art, sand, Lego, Clean Language and Metaphors
Module 10 – The Karpman Drama Triangle 
Module 11 – Working with families
Module 12 –Working with schools

The whole course costs £995 paid upfront or you can make 12 payments of £100. 

New Group Training Courses

You may prefer a deep dive into one or more of the modules.  Each one starts with an individual one hour pre-course chat to check that the course will meet your expectations and give you some background theory so we can focus on the practical elements in the group sessions.

They are all 2 x 3 hour sessions with swaps and breakouts and they each cost £350 (Discounts available for NLP Kids past students and for Karl Dawson's EFT students) .

They are a much more intense training with a high practical element. 
EFT - Learn how to tap for yourself, with your own children and those you work with, to ease and clear intense emotions
PTT (only as an add on to EFT or for existing EFT Practitioners) Learn how to use picture tapping, a combination of drawing and tapping for your own children and those you work with
Time Line and inner child work Learn how to find the source of negative beliefs so you can help your child or client move on 
Art Therapy Learn how to use sand, drawing, writing, LEGO, vision boards and other playful activities to gain deeper insight 

Please send me an email and we'll arrange to have a chat about your own specific needs and if you're local or want to work face to face, I can do that. I expect to be running this on Zoom given the current and likely circumstances. I'm also fairly available on Skype if you want to message me there judy.bartkowiak 

If you are a teacher and want me to deliver training on any of these modules to a group of your teachers, I can do this at a reduced rate of £250 or indeed if you can gather mums, colleagues, friends etc into your own group. 

I anticipate a group being less than 10 people. I will need 4 in order to run the group so everyone gets a change of who to work with otherwise we could run out of issues to work on! I will join you into our private students Facebook group where you can chat with my existing and past students and share your knowledge and experience. 

There will be a certificate of attendance and competence issued at the end. 

I am an NLP Trainer (Sue Knight) and an EFT Trainer (Karl Dawson, Sharon King and Caroline Dawson). I am also the author of a number of NLP books, published by Hodder and workbooks published by MX Publishing. 
What do my students say about my training?"Judy I can’t thank you enough for my one to one training. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of you with my coaching and everything you showed me that works so well for children. You are seriously inspirational and I thank you for sharing your wisdom so I am now able to help children. I was extremely lucky to have met you. Thank you, Claire Jones x"

"Judy, when I first started on my NLP road and I attended one of your parenting chats I found you inspiring, informative, friendly and keen to help me by sharing all your knowledge. From a parenting chat you became my mentor and trainer . I am loving my new career and all the clients, friends, biz girls I have met and it is all thanks to you. You are a truly inspiring lady with a passion for helping others. Thank you" 🙏🏻

​I highly recommend this course, for a beginner or like me as a practitioner looking to specialise in young people. Thanks to Judy Bartkowiak and her course, I have had some tremendous breakthroughs with my clients and my own children. My sessions are fun, meaningful and really tailored to young people which makes this course very unique. Thanks Judy, I can't thank you enough !

“After a good research on the internet I found myself signing up for the master children’s NLP course with Judy. I know why I ended up with Judy: Judy is an inspiring, motivating but most of all a down-to-earth kind of person. And that suits me. She gave me energy to keep on coaching, she gave me a track which to follow. The weeks passed by in a blink of an eye. I actually enjoyed the Skype way. It is comfy in your own house with a good cup of coffee. And yes, we did laugh a lot! And yes, I do keep in touch with some of my global Skype-class-mates ;-)). Judy uses clear languages, in a nice pace. I have enjoyed every minute!”
 
“Judy’s NLP for Kids training is relevant and informative. Judy inputs really like scenarios into the training to help explain ideas and to this really helps the training to cone alive.
She is a great communicator and a massive support to all her trainees. If there is anything that you need help with she is easily contactable and willing to chat through ideas. Throughout the course you even end up picking up some great tips to deal build your own confidence too.
She is an inspiration as an NLP Practitioner and I would recommend Judy’s training. It's like having an experienced friend guiding you through.”

​
Here are some very basic first NLP tools to work through with your child to introduce him to the idea of NLP and how what you are thinking can affect behaviour.

1)    State change
You know how your mood can really affect your day. How you think about the day not only affects what you do but what happens and it affects other people’s day as well.   So how can you change state? How when your child is in a state that is unhelpful, can you help him change it?

Think of a good state. Think of a happy time for you, maybe a holiday or an outing with your partner, a funny programme on TV or a night out with a girlfriend. Relive the moment you’ve chosen and remember how you felt, what you saw, what you heard and what a good feeling it was. When the memory is at its height and you’re smiling or chuckling away as you recall it, squeeze your earlobe or tap the steering wheel, do something to anchor it for you. When you feel yourself getting stressed again, maybe someone’s just pulled out in front of you, anchor the good state and relax.

You can teach this to your child. Ask them to think about a fun time, something they really enjoyed, a party or maybe a movie. Show them how to anchor it and make sure they do it a few times to reinforce it. Children do get themselves into a state and having the ability to change state is a very useful tool.
 
2)    Rapport
Rapport is how we get on with people, make connections and form friendships. Some people are great examples of this. Ask your child who they think are the popular children in their class. What makes them popular? Watch them and learn how they do it. Here is a basic exercise in establishing rapport.

Step 1. Matching and mirroring.
Ask your child to copy exactly what you do and then switch over and you do what they do. It’s a fun exercise and needs you to watch each other carefully. You achieve excellent rapport doing this and can after several ‘goes’ move on to mirroring. In this exercise you do the mirror action so if your child lifts his right hand you lift your left and so on.
Once you’ve done this exercise a few times, copy what he says and then he, you. Make sure you copy the pace, volume, pitch, rhythm and words as well. Notice the language pattern. Does he use visual words (V), sound words (auditory) (A) or is he more action orientated (kinaesthetic) (K)?
A child with a visual preference would use words like ’look’ ‘see’ and would maintain good eye contact and be very observant. An auditory child would listen well, respond more to what is said to him and want you to copy sounds and word patterns, songs and music. A kinaesthetic child would be quite physical, make a lot of actions and moves for you to copy.
 
 
Listen for the thinking patterns as well, such as
a)    towards/ away from – are they talking about what they want or what they don’t want
b)    big chunk / small chunk – big picture or detail
c)    choices / process- options or just get on with it

Step 2. Leading
Having taken turns at matching and then mirroring move on to take the lead by making your turn longer and switch the focus on to something you want them to do, maybe eating their meal, doing their homework, tidying their toys away.

3) Anchoring
When your child is really happy and pleased with life or proud of an achievement ask them to squeeze their ear lobe and capture the moment. Tell them that if they do that every time when they are feeling really pleased with themselves and on top of the world then when they are feeling sad , if they do that action it will remind them of how happy they were at that moment and they will feel good about themselves again. 

4) Self esteem
Children very easily spot someone who can do something they can’t do whether that be a handstand or scoring goals, looking pretty or getting top marks. They don’t so easily notice what they do well and although modern parents are quick to praise their child, unless your child believes in their own abilities, the praise is quite empty and meaningless.

Be specific when you notice what they do well so that they recognise it as a skill that they can apply in other situations.
 
Metaphors work really well to get children talking about themselves. Ask your son or daughter how they are like a pizza or how they are like their favourite singer, football player or TV character. These comparisons focus on the positive and help them identify their strengths.

For older children, ask them who inspires them and then how are they like that person. ‘If you can spot it, you’ve got’ it is an NLP saying. It means that we can easily recognise qualities in others if we have them ourselves. Makes sense doesn’t it? Point this out to your child and help them by pointing out where you have observed this quality in them.
 
Where there is a gap between how they want to be and how they think they are, talk about how this person they admire does what he or she does. Watch videos of them and observe what they do and how they seem to do it. Find out about them, do they hold a certain belief about themselves that enables them to perform in a certain way?

If their hero is closer to home, a relative or friend maybe, then it is even easier to copy the behaviour and find out what has inspired it, the thought processes and beliefs.

This is in a sense an extension of the matching exercise but at a distance probably, unless the model can be encouraged to help in a direct way.

Children are very receptive to these games and enjoy them. It requires you to interact with them in a very direct way which shows love and support. Observe when they use a new pattern of communication and try some out yourself as well.

​This was taken from my book 'Be a happier parent with NLP' which you can order from my website or from Amazon. 

I've been reading a lot about attachment theory because after empty nest stage and hubbie retiring I found myself a bit adrift; unsure who I was as a woman and unsure who I was as a wife. We met fairly late in life when I was 30yrs old and we had our children straight away so we didn't have a long period together as a couple. So when the kids no longer really needed me as a mum, I started wondering what my role was. My hubbie is very self-sufficient and found my constant need for attention, stifling and he rebelled. This caused me to be even more anxious and I felt quite unloved. I started to read up on everything I could find and like most therapists, I sought therapy for myself. 

My learning has made a profound difference in my life because I realised that right from childhood, I had the potential to have anxious attachment. There were lots of very happy social times and I had lots of friends but I was very sensitive to fallouts or conflict, taking them very personally. 

In a nutshell, here are the descriptions (taken from Attached - Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller) 

Secure attachment - you are comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
Anxious attached - you crave intimacy and are preoccupied with your relationships and tend to worry about your partner's ability to love you back
Avoidant attached - you equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness

Although mostly (75%) we acquire our attachment style during childhood, we can find that as a result of our early romantic relationships during adolescence, we can switch attachment style. 

The healthiest attachment style is clearly 'secure' and that's happily what I have now and this style influences so many areas of ones life. Here are some of the benefits of working towards secure attachment.

- no longer needing to react defensively in an argument
- more flexible reaction to criticism, willing to think again
- feel more confident about expressing needs, knowing they will be heard
- no interest in 'playing games'
- more able to connect intimately because I feel safe
- quick to forgive

Another book I read which helped me enormously was Greg Baer's book 'Real Love' which emphasises the need for children to experience unconditional love from their parents so that they feel safe and free to make mistakes, knowing they will still be loved. 

You can check your attachment style using the link in the Attached book or there are lots of online quizes you can try. 

Remember, I can help you if you'd like some coaching on your relationships. 
​Call me 

​What will they be able to do when they overcome it?
 
Here we’re looking for the compelling outcome.
 
Ask your child to hold out both hands outstretched, palms upward.
Ask them to imagine that on one hand they are holding their fear of dogs and on the other hand they are holding what they will be able to do when they overcome this fear.
They may find it easier to do this with their eyes closed so they can use their imagination to be curious and wonder about each hand.
 
When you look at the hand holding the fear

• What do you see
• What do you hear
• What do you feel
• What do you smell
• What do you taste
• What colour is the fear
• What shape is it?
• As you look at it, if you were to guess at an age when you felt this fear most intently, what age would that be? Is there a memory that comes to mind?
• What does this fear want for you, what is its intention
• What need does the fear have

 
Now look at the hand holding the compelling outcome

• What do you see
• What do you hear
• What do you feel
• What do you smell
• What do you taste
• What colour is the compelling outcome?
• What shape is it?
• As you look at it, let it show you how it wants you to be instead of having the fear?
• What does this fear want for you, what is its intention
• What need does it have

 
Now imagine that the hands could talk to each other. What would one say to the other?
Can the hand holding the compelling outcome reassure the hand holding the fear that it is not needed and that they are brave and confident and able to overcome this fear. It is old fear from the past and not needed anymore?
 
If not ask the next question.
 
What will you have to do (that you don’t want to do) when you overcome this fear?
 
This is what’s called psychological reversal. It happens when subconsciously we hold on to a fear that gets us out of something you don’t actually want to do. So this would include a child holding onto their fear of being alone in the dark in their room at night because they get to have long cuddles with mummy.
 
Explore what is behind this fear. This can be a difficult question to answer so we need to be indirect.
 
Imagine that you could get rid of this fear right now.
What will be good about it?
What would be less good?
 
Shall we think about how we can do something about those things that are less good. Let’s come up with a list of options. Having options gives us some choices and means we can get our needs met. First though we have to know what those needs are.
 
Drawing
 
Let’s draw a picture of this dog?
Note the colours used.
Note the size on the page
 
Invite the child to now change their drawing so it is no longer scary. What colours do they bring in?
 
Tapping
 

1. Thinking about your fear of dogs, where do you feel it in your body? What colour is the fear? What size? What shape?
2. Give it a number out of 10 for how intense it feels with 0 being no intensity and 10 being maximum intensity.
3. Using the karate chop point, tap on the side of the hand saying

“Even though I am scared of dogs (check the wording with the child) I’m a great kid and I’m ok” Do this three times, checking the wording because it may be the barking or jumping up, biting, size, unexpected behaviour, running about etc rather than a general fear of dogs).

1. Now tap through the points on the hands so the child can use tapping wherever they are without drawing attention to themselves, in the street or at a friend’s house for instance) . Use the reminder phrase when they tap, so repeat the child’s actual words around their fear eg. Jumping up, barking, very hairy, it might bite me, it might chase me, I’m scared ……
2. When you’ve done a few rounds of tapping and make sure they breathe so they can release that energy around their fear, check the SUDs level (the score out of 10 that they mentioned at the start)
3. Keep going until you get it down to about a 1 or 2 because some level of fear is possibly sensible around dogs they don’t know. If there’s resistance you can tap on that too. Go back to the karate chop point and say

“Even though I’m afraid of tapping away my fear of dogs completely, I’m a great kid and I’m Ok” again 3 times and keep checking that you have the wording correct according to their map of the world.

1. Tap through the hand points again, using phrases like; I’m scared to let go of this fear, I need this fear to keep me safe, I can’t trust myself without this fear but gradually introduce some element of questioning. Examples might be: why do I need this fear? I’ve been safe before. I don’t need this fear. I’m safe without this fear. It’s safe to let go of this fear. I’m feeling safe. When I’m relaxed around dogs they will be calm too. The dog wants my love, it doesn’t want to hurt me. The dog is just excited, when I get excited I’m a bit jumpy too.
2. Check the SUDs level and now ask the child what colour do they need to bring in to make them feel safe and keep them safe. Whatever colour that is, ask them to breathe that in and take it into their body, fill their heart and let it fill their energy field with a feeling of being safe.

 
Fear is there to protect us but when it prevents us from having fun and doing things we want to do, being with people we want to be with, then it’s time to release it. You can use these methods with other fears of course.
 
Get in touch if you’d like me to help you with this or other fears.
 
 
 
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. 
Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


There's been so much talk about what we've been eating and drinking during lockdown but is 'weight loss' the best goal to set?

​There are several reasons why we might want to reframe ‘weight loss’. It is after all focusing on the very thing we don’t want ‘weight’. How much more compelling it would be if we could focus on what we do want, a slim body, flat tum, size zero or whatever our goal really is. Secondly it is an ‘away from’ goal because again it is what we don’t want. The most important reason we need to reframe it is because it does not conform to any of the rules of SMART goals. It is totally unspecific – how much weight loss is going to mean success? One might go on and on forever. It can be measured but which measure is the most meaningful, body fat ratio, waist or hip measurement, stones or pounds lost? Who is to say what is achievable? What is realistic and in what context and when is it to be achieved by? Is it any wonder then that the weight loss business is so huge? Perhaps if we reframed weight loss, more people would succeed in being the size they want to be?

Bandler and Grinder developed their six step reframe technique from work they did with Milton Erickson and Virginia Satir. Behind the process is the belief that every behaviour is useful in some way, it has a positive intention. Yes, even over eating!
  
Step 1- Identify the thing you want to change. In this example it is over eating.

Step 2- Establish communication with the part of you that over eats. Is it somewhere in your body or your mind? Is it an inner voice saying ‘go on, you deserve it, you’ve had a bad day’ or a hungry feeling, the look of the dessert, the smell of chocolate?

Step 3- Consider what benefit it has for you. What positive thing is it trying to do for you? Does it want you to feel loved and full, have a nice sweet taste in your mouth, be one of the girls? Does it relieve your anxiety or boredom and make you feel good? Do you get out of doing something you don’t want to do because you are overweight?

Step 4- Be curious. How could you satisfy that positive intention in a different way so you could meet your outcome?

Step 5- Consider the options

Step 6- Fast forward  and imagine yourself doing this new behaviour. Check that it will work. If it will then you’re done. If not, go back to Step 4 and come up with other options.

When considering your options it can be helpful to ask yourself a few questions in order to understand the behaviour you’re focusing on.
How else could I view this behaviour?
How might other people view it?
In what context would this behaviour be appropriate?
What’s stopping you from changing your behaviour?

On a dog walk with a friend earlier this week, I passed by a group of mums talking about how they could barely keep their **** together with their kids during lockdown. They were so relieved that the kids were going back to school but weren't looking forward to the weeks ahead of the school holidays with so many of the usual facilities likely to be closed. It had clearly been a huge struggle and in the battle to stay calm and not shout, they had lost. 

I know from client calls that in some cases they had given up on homeschooling, recruited friends with older children or paid tutors. They didn't like home schooling and didn't feel their children appreciated their efforts; often telling them they didn't explain things properly or like their teacher would. 

Their partner would be working elsewhere and couldn't be disturbed and they were left to manage schooling as well as the house, cooking and their own work. Many were also concerned about their elderly parents. But you know all this. We've all been through it haven't we? 

But I want to tell you about how we can stay calm and be patient because we can. 

Imagine the most patient person you have ever met. Who is it? 

For me it would be a friend who has a cerebral palsy child or it could be my dad's carer when he had a stroke (he has passed now) or perhaps it's one of the teachers at your child's school. 

What makes NLP different from other therapies such as CBT is the idea of modelling. 

Modelling in NLP is the process by which we can acquire new skills. It is based on the understanding that if we find someone who has the skill we want then by copying its structure and the underlying belief, we can have it for ourselves. It is a very powerful technique enabling us to incorporate into ourselves, other people’s skills and gifts. The excellence that we model is something we think someone does better than anyone else but we too can have our own excellence. We have skills we use in another part of our life that we want to transfer, that too can be modelled.

“When we step into someone else’s shoes and reproduce what they do and the results they achieve, we are modelling.” Sue Knight

“In modelling we elicit the strategies, beliefs, values and fundamental filters and the physiology that allows someone to produce certain behaviour. Then we codify these in a series of steps designed to make the behaviour easy to reproduce.” Jeremy Lazarus

So first you find a few people who can do this really well. You observe them and work out how they do this. What do they do first, then next and so on. Notice what you see . hear and the actions you witness. If you were to go away and copy this structure you may improve your result but you won’t get the same result as them because your thinking is different. You know your thinking is different because if it were the same you’d not get the result you get now. So you need to find out what they are thinking. You need to find out their values and beliefs about getting things done by the deadline. What’s different in their thinking that enables them to have this patience. You can get their thinking and underlying beliefs by asking them directly ‘what’s important to you about being patient in this situation?’ and then go through the structure again with this answer and way of thinking in your mind.

You can also think about your own life. Is there an area of your life where you are patient? We don’t behave the same in all situations. Perhaps in a craft, in music, reading or other activity you do this with great patience. Imagine you’re doing that now. What’s the underlying belief about why you’re doing this like this? Take this belief and apply it to where you need it.

It is much easier than you think to take on someone’s belief and it starts by saying to yourself ‘what if I believed this?’ and then ‘acting as if’ you do. Once we have their structure and beliefs we can start thinking about the values they must have that underpin them. We test out our hypotheses by repeating what we have observed and taking on the beliefs and values. One by one we remove different elements to find out which parts of our model are the ones we need to replicate the excellence. Then we have our model which we can teach to others and the proof of how successfully we have modelled will lie in the ability to pass it on to others who can then get the same result.

How can we apply this to help children?

Children enjoy modelling their TV and video game heroes. When they have problems with fears and anxieties, asking them to imagine they are their hero works very well in getting them into a brave state of mind where they can conquer their fears. Ask ‘what would x do? ‘Children have fantastic imagination and can easily turn into their hero and take on their persona in order to feel brave. This is a much better strategy than crawling around under the bed talking to imaginary monsters.

If they want to be better at schoolwork they can emulate the person in their class who gets the best marks. They need to find out how this child succeeds, what is his strategy? Does he learn visually, auditory or kinaesthetically? What is his process? When does the process start? It may start much earlier than when he starts the work.

You can use modelling to acquire skills from anyone you admire. This extract was taken from 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' available from my website or Amazon. ​