I’m getting lots of calls and emails from parents who are experiencing behaviour in their child that is concerning them. Many parents are also behaving in a way that isn’t normal for them and they feel guilty and ashamed of themselves, upset and remorseful. Children pick this up and it adds to their own anxiety when their parents also don’t seem to be coping very well.
 
Many parents aren’t getting much time alone together to share their worries or just to comfort and support each other as children are staying up later, struggle to get to sleep, have nightmares and want to sleep with their parents.
 
We all need new tools for coping with our mental health. We also need to go easy on ourselves. Now is not the time to set ourselves challenging goals nor expect our children to be able to concentrate on their schoolwork when they are wondering when they will see their friends again. Some children will of course find attention to schoolwork reassuring, it is what they want to do but others will find it hard some days.
 
It is natural to be afraid, fear keeps us safe. It is fear that stops us getting too close to someone walking by us. It is fear that makes us sanitise when picking up some post or put away our food shopping, when we’ve returned from an activity outside our home.
 
In her book ‘Big Magic’ Elizabeth Gilbert talks about inviting ‘fear’ into the car on a road trip and asking them to sit on the back seat. By fear being on the journey (a metaphor for our life) it will stop us driving too fast, taking the bends too tight, going too near the edge of the road. Fear keeps us safe. It is a good thing to have.
However, Gilbert warns us that we should never let fear drive our car or fiddle with the controls. In fact when I was speaking at an event in London earlier this year, I suggested we imagine reaching back and pulling the screen across between us and our back seat passenger. They can be there and indeed we are grateful that they are but they may not control our driving.
 
When I explain this to children, they completely get it and understand that they should not be embarrassed or upset with themselves when they are fearful or anxious but instead be grateful and appreciative that they have this passenger to keep them safe. Having thanked fear for being there, they then need to acknowledge that they are ok , they can cope with the situation and have the skills they need and tell ‘fear’ that they can relax, all is well.
 
Another little explanation I give that they find helpful is to explain that our fear and anxiety is a bit like a smoke alarm going off when all we’ve done is burn the toast.
The amygdala in the brain is designed to send out an alarm when danger is near but whilst that was essential in caveman times when they might encounter a sabre tooth tiger, being asked a difficult question by your teacher really isn’t a life or death situation and there is no need for the smoke alarm.
 
Children find these explanations helpful because teachers and parents frequently ask ‘why’ they feel this way. The ‘why’ question send them to their conscious mind to find a logical answer that makes sense. But they can’t find it. Why? Because of course it isn’t about logical answers, their anxiety stems from core beliefs imprinted at birth or during the early years before their prefrontal cortex was even developed sufficient to process what happened. Understanding what happens, understanding that it is just their brain’s smoke alarm being a bit over enthusiastic and knowing that it is a good thing that they are aware of their emotions, really comforts them so that when it happens next they can just stop and say ‘there’s that smoke alarm, no need to panic, it’s just burnt toast’.
 
I also teach them how to do EFT Tapping and I have regular weekly groups for children, teens and parents every week. There they can drop in and tap with their own age group. They don’t have to even say what’s troubling them. They can put their mic on mute and even turn their camera off. They can send me a message in the chat box about what they want to tap on and I will include it in the process. We usually tap on missing friends, worrying about mum and dad, missing grandparents, annoying brothers and things like that.
 
If you think your child or teen would like to drop in just look for my Time To Tap Facebook group where you’ll find the session times under ‘events’. RSVP and I’ll send you the zoom link. If they would prefer a private session, I’m just charging £50 for a 45 minute private tapping session at the moment. The usual price for a consultation of an hour is £85 and first exploratory sessions of 90 minutes are £125.
If you’re not sure how I can help or just want a chat, please email me at judynlpeft@gmail.com
 
Have a look at my book page because NLP for Children, NLP for Tweens and NLP for Teens all have some great exercises and ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ will give you a good understanding of how to help children develop these essential emotional skills for life.
 
Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP Trainer, EFT Trainer, Owner of NLP & EFT Kids and author of many NLP books for families , teachers and practitioners. Her website is www.nlpfamily.com and Facebook Page is NLP Kids. Judy has been working with children and teens for 40 years, first as a Qualitative Market Research Consultant and then since 2000 as a Children’s Therapist and Trainer. Judy and her husband Edward have four grown up children, one grandchild, a rather shaggy retriever called Zebedee and 5 hens. They live in Taplow, Berkshire, UK.
 

Some people thrive on choice and enjoy the element of selecting from a number of options, whether it be what to wear, what to buy, what to cook or eat or even what to say but others prefer to just pick something and go with it. In NLP terms we call it choices or process to indicate that those who don’t like choices want to work their way down a list of task as a process rather than branching off or pausing to make decisions. It isn’t really a bipolar scale, these are just the two ends of it.

“Having just one choice is no choice at all. The more choices you have, the more freedom you have to be in the driving seat of your car.” Steve Bannister

“The whole point of NLP is having more choice.” Richard Bandler

“You’re not just a leaf on the wind.” Anthony Robbins

“We are making hundreds, thousands even millions of unconscious choices every day about what we pay attention to and what we don’t. And this is fine, provided those choices work for us. However, if we are not getting the results we want, we can learn to make new choices until we find what does work.” Sue Knight

“Identifying, acknowledging, examining, and employing our parts, rules, and inner wisdom help us transform our internal process and deal with present circumstances. By removing our self-made limits, we expand our choices.” Virginia Satir

There may be situations in which you want choice, when you go out for a meal perhaps or in the boutique but in the rush of the morning you may prefer not to spend ages choosing what to wear or what to eat for breakfast. This means that you will be sliding up and down the scale depending on the situation. However, being aware of whether you want a choice or not can be helpful. If as you think about the situation presenting itself you decide whether choices will help or hinder the process you will work more efficiently. This is particularly the case when working with others.
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In a family situation it is very important to make it clear to your children what are options and which are not. There has been a growing trend to encourage children to make choices even at a very young age, whether to drink out of a red mug or a blue one, whether to wear this or that dress. This is inclined to make children capricious as they assume they can make decisions about everything which isn’t of course the case and can lead to some very lengthy preparations for leaving the house! You need to prepare your children for accepting your decisions and make it clear when they can choose and when it isn’t possible or appropriate. You can signal this by asking ‘would you like to choose?’ when there is a choice.

In the family you would similarly offer false choices to children who want choice so “would you like to do your homework with a cup of tea or a glass of milk?” Note that not doing homework wasn’t an option! Also, with ‘like’ and ‘homework’ close together in the sentence you are giving them a slightly hypnotic connection which might not have been present for them.

First decide on your compelling outcome. What end result do you want from the discussion or negotiation? What will you concede and what is non-negotiable? Simply going through this process has a remarkably calming effect and puts you in the driving seat. If for example the pick-up time is non-negotiable you can give them a choice of how they come home, with whom and by what means of transport. If the time you have to leave for the school run is non-negotiable give them a choice about getting dressed before or after breakfast or whether to wear a jumper or not, whether they need to give their shoes a clean.

There is always a choice, not just in terms of the ‘how’ but also a choice in how you ask. You can speak in rapport, using your child’s preferred language pattern – visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. If they are talking about what they don’t want e.g. “I don’t want to put on my shirt” mention something you don’t want in order to match them “and I don’t want to be late for the bus.” If they say ‘yes but’ or ‘no’ this is a mismatch pattern which you can still match for rapport by using the same pattern ‘yes but homework needs to be done first’ or ‘no, it has to be done first, then TV.

Learning about NLP means that we have choices based on more knowledge about ourselves and how we see our world and a better understanding of the other person’s world. We can then choose how we want to communicate with them.

Find out more about the NLP metaprogrammes and about how to apply NLP principles and techniques in your parenting. Maybe you'd like to talk with me about becoming an NLP Kids Practitioner yourself or learning about how to combine NLP with your existing job in teaching or other child-related work.  

As parents or teachers, carers of children, you have a very important role to play in giving them feedback. Feedback is a gift of love that shows you care about them and have an investment in their personal development. Can there be anything worse than being ignored? Children need to know that you’re paying attention to them and they want to know where they need to make changes because that’s your job as a parent, to guide them so they can achieve all they can in life. 

The giving and receiving of feedback is how we learn. At its simplest level a stand-up comedian will adapt his programme constantly to suit his audience with more of what they are clapping and cheering and less of what gets no reaction. We need to be a bit like the stand-up comedian and notice where we get a connection with our children when they do what we asked and being resourceful. When they are not we need to use feedback to get them back on track. We need to constantly be open and curious to what is working and getting a result, the result we want anyway! We are getting feedback from them and giving them feedback, it is a constant flow of energy and learning. 

Many people feel that they learn more from their mistakes than from successes. In fact, apparently pupils who struggled with maths at school become excellent maths teachers because they understand how to get it wrong. As parents we can be inclined to jump in and do things for our children, take responsibility for organising them and their free time, even decide when and where homework should be done. Allowing children to take responsibility from an early age means that they will make mistakes and our job is to allow them to do that and let them get the learning so that the next time they do it, they do it better. Encourage them to be curious because that is how children learn, by wanting to know more and to understand rather than being told.

Feedback is how they learn whether that is feedback in terms of a bad mark at school or school report, losing a tennis match or football game, losing a friend, missing the miss, getting a detention for homework not completed correctly; these are all feedback from which they will learn how to improve and get a better result. When these sort of things happen to children let them get the feedback rather than believing that unless you tell them they won’t know.

When we aren’t introduced to feedback as learning we can find ourselves taking it as criticism and becoming defensive or we feel a failure and lose self-esteem. You can show your children how to respond to feedback by how you demonstrate it yourself. The best way to show them how to respond is to pause, be curious about the learning and thank the giver of the feedback. 

Encourage children to give themselves feedback. We all, even children, have a nagging little inner voice that gets cross and tells us off but it needs to learn how to give feedback in a way that we can learn from it, not feel permanently stupid and lose confidence.
Here’s how to do it:
a)What specifically went well today? (3 things)
b)What could have been better? (1 thing)
c)How could I do that better next time?
d)Overall, what lessons have I learnt? 

 You can find more about feedback and tips for homeschoolers on my Facebook group and I've recorded several videos that talk about how to apply these NLP principles at a practical level. You'll find them on my You Tube channel

Kinaesthetics learn by doing, they need to physically experience the learning because they are active full body learners. You’ll see them fidgeting in classrooms when they have to sit still for long periods and they need to take a break regularly to run about and stretch. They’re usually quite sporty and in touch with their body and how it feels so they will be quite tactile and sensitive to the heat and cold. They will also be quite expressive. 

“If they are kinaesthetic, slow waaay dooown . Talk to them about feelings. Change your pace so that it matches theirs, and really get a feel for what they are communicating.” Terry Elston
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“What I hear, I forget. What I see, I remember. What I do, I understand.” Confucious 

Characteristics of kinaesthetic are that they will be active speakers and listeners and use facial expression, hand and body gestures and will fiddle and fidget when talking rather than the stiller pose of the auditory student. They refer to their ‘gut feelings’ and ‘being in touch’ with their feelings and may respond more emotionally to events than one might expect. Comfort and bodily temperature is important to them so extremes of heat and cold are not endured easily. It is important to them to be comfortable in their own skin, wear clothes that are comfortable rather than ones that look good (visual). Furniture is also bought for comfort rather than style.

They want to get ‘stuck in’ and do rather than watch or be told. It’s all about involvement physically and mentally. Given a new piece of equipment, rather than read the instructions they’ll just work it out for themselves by trial and error. They will get themselves from A to B by what feels like the right route rather than read a map or listen to the satnav. They will be conscious of atmosphere and want to be in rapport because not to be would feel so uncomfortable.

Physically they are very active and will want to stand much closer to you than you may be comfortable with but don’t move away as this will break rapport. They may want to touch your elbow or arm as you’re chatting and they will probably hug and kiss on greeting and leaving. They talk slowly , even slower than an auditory person and tend to look down as they speak as they get in touch with their emotions. Their choice of words will reflect their action and feelings orientation so expect to hear words like ‘feel’, ‘touch’, ‘get hold of’, ‘catch on to’, ‘get a handle on’ and ‘make contact with’. If you work with a kinaesthetic child, you’ll find that they need to be moving and learn best when they appear to be doing something else. Avoid static learning situations.  

Kinaesthetic learners learn by moving touching and doing. Hands-on learning is what they like best actively exploring the world around them. They will remember well what they have done but will have trouble remembering what was said or seen. Fiddling is second nature as is doodling  - why do one thing when you can do two? They’ll have trouble sitting still in a classroom so plenty of active breaks are needed as well as opportunities to move about through class activities such as group work or practical activities.

As a kinaesthetic student you may not be able to control your classroom environment or ask for breaks but there are things you can do to aid your learning. Use coloured highlighters to mark up your notes and use mind maps to transfer information into a form that makes it easier to remember.
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When you have subject choices choose subjects that are more practical or those that have practical elements such a Geography with field trips, science, drama, sport and design. At home when revising or doing homework use flash cards or memory games, interactive programmes on the computer in order to make the most of the material. Many computer based revision programmes offer multiple choice questions and these will suit you. 

I've taken this content from 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' a book I wrote a few years ago which has examples of NLP principles and techniques from all walks of life; work, home, school. sport, health. More specific family examples can be found in 'Be a happier parent with NLP'. Both are available from my website, Amazon and The Book Depository. 

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Whether as students of teachers we need to know which internal representation system we naturally prefer although flexibility is essential because very often we have to adapt to someone’s teaching or learning style that doesn’t come so easily to us. You are auditory if you prefer to learn by being told rather than reading off a white board or printed sheets or book. 

“If you want to get good rapport, you can speak using the same kind of predicates that the other person is using. If you want to alienate the other person, you can deliberately mismatch predicates.” Richard Bandler and John Grinder 

“Your students with the auditory learning style, about 20 per cent of your class, will also be your social butterflies, so it's important to make good usage of their strengths while dampening their need for social time during a lecture.” Kelly Roell

People who would describe themselves as auditory enjoy sounds and music but not noise as they want to control the sounds around them. They enjoy conversation and listening to other people talking such as radio plays and discussions. What people say is very important to them as well as the way they say it. There are two variations of auditory; auditory internal and auditory digital. They are both forms of self-talk. The voice behaves like an inner check to sound out whether what someone says is logical or makes sense. It’s like having your own personal radio in your head and can enable you to be slightly disassociated or disconnected because you don’t directly respond but check out first whether your response is ‘correct’. This can be useful in jobs where an emotional or unguarded response could be unwise such as in the Police or teaching.

Auditory learners learn best through spoken lessons either direct from a teacher in a classroom or via videos , CDs , DVDs MP3 audios , audio books and other online learning environments where there is a spoken word. They enjoy learning through discussion as well so they can assimilate what they’ve learned. Equally in the work environment an auditory boss will favour giving oral instructions and you will prefer being told what to do rather than receiving an email or text. We want to work in rapport so match your bosses preferred representational system and if you are auditory and he or she is not, ask him to tell you, explain it briefly or let you hear it from him. If they are auditory and you are not then you’ll need to write down what they say so you have a visual record to refer to if you are visual and if you are kinaesthetic then you may need to ask them to ‘run it by you again’ if you aren’t clear so ask them to ‘repeat it’.

 When communicating with an auditory learner use words like hear, listen, sound, question and resonate. In order to gain rapport with auditory learners or indeed an auditory teacher speak slowly and choose words carefully. The pitch should match theirs which will be fairly low with their breathing from the mid chest. They will look across not up or down and construct long sentences with questions because they like to interact. When you are talking it may look as if they are thinking about what they want to say next but they are probably just processing what you’ve said so leave a silence for them to get their thoughts and the right words together. If you jump into the silence you will break rapport by not enabling them to contribute to the conversation. 

For more information and ideas about parenting or educating (or both if you're reading this as a homeschooling parent, you can find plenty of information in 'Secrets of the NLP Masters' or 'Be a happier parent with NLP' both available via my website or from Amazon. 

65% of the population are visual learners and it is defined as ‘keeping pictures in our heads’, This is the first skill babies are tested for at 6 weeks when they are checked to find out if they recognise their mother. They do of course but if mum then puts on a pink curly wig they will cry because the picture doesn’t match the picture they’ve got in their head. We use our visual memory to create words and pictures, to do comprehension, revision, sequencing, mind mapping and for short term memory. When people learn visually they make pictures in their head and it is easiest when teaching visual learners to teach them through the pictures they generate. Indeed 90% of the information that comes into our brain is visual . They notice what they see and are very observant. They can easily switch from a 2D image and imagine the 3D version so for example they can see a picture of a house and then imagine it as 3D. Whilst this is an essential skill for architects and designers it can be quite confusing when children are learning to read and the 2D images of the letters become 3D and move about.

When children learn visually they see a picture of the word and associate it with the picture of the meaning of the word and if they are counting they visualise say two apples and three apples. In order to access their visual memory they need to look up so do this if you’re a visual learner and if you are a teacher be sure to tell children who learn visually to look up. Some teachers have been known to tell children gazing up into space ‘you won’t find the answer up there’ but actually they will.  

Words to use when teaching or communicating with a visual learner.

See, look, view, appear, show, reveal, imagine, clear, focused, hazy, picture.

When they ‘don’t see what you mean’ you will need to ‘show them again’.

Use diagrams, maps, mind maps, graphs , colours and pictures to teach visual learners and if you are the student, take what you are told and represent it visually to make it easier to learn. You probably already love drawing and doodling with colours so you’ll not need any prompting. You enjoy organising your notes into coloured folders or with file tabs and different colour dividers. Careers that will suit you will be artistic ones such as photography, video or film, design, planning, art, architecture and similar. 

How do you know if you’re visual?

Of course you won’t only be visual, you will have times when you are enjoying your auditory and kinaesthetic processing systems but you can check which your preferred one is quite easily by doing the following.

Thinking about yesterday, what comes to mind? Are you thinking about what you saw, what you heard or what you did?

When you think about your holiday plans do you imagine where you’d like to go, remember what people have told you about somewhere or think about what you’d like to do on holiday?  

In conversation with friends do you notice how they’re dressed and their facial expressions, do you pay attention to what they’re saying or do you notice what they’re doing?
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Picture an elephant. Is it still or moving, where is it? If you’re a visual learner you will have lots of information about that elephant going on in your head at the same time. You’ll also have a choice and can picture it in different locations, different sizes and doing different things quite easily because as a visual learner the image will probably be moving and changing all the time. In fact you may sometimes get confused when you have too many options and too many images in your head all at the same time.
Just as visual people pay attention to what they see and like to have nice things around them, they will be upset by untidiness or ugly buildings, unattractive people or unpleasant areas. If you find yourself feeling like that then you are probably visual. 

Have you heard the expression “Don’t think about pink elephants!” What do we find ourselves doing? Thinking about pink elephants of course. In order to make sense of the instruction, we first have to get a picture in our head of a pink elephant. So we have now done exactly what we have been told not to do even though it wasn’t our intention. That’s how negative goals work too. As we focus on what we don’t want, inadvertently we are actually getting it.

 “In order to say no to something, your brain must first make an image of the thing you don’t want and then negate it. The problem is that at this point you’re already heading in the wrong direction.” Richard Bandler

Thinking about what you don’t want is problem thinking whereas thinking about what you do want is outcome thinking. Problem thinking arises when we focus on the thing that’s happening now which is of course the thing we don’t want. So the only way we will change and experience more of what we do want is to move away from the present problem state and towards the compelling outcome.

There are two directions in life, forwards and backwards, towards and away from. When Bandler and Grinder developed NLP back in the 60s they found as they studied successful people that they were all ‘towards’ orientated. They didn’t waste their time and energy on what they didn’t want but focused on getting what they did want.

‘Away from’ thinking focuses the mind on the present unsatisfactory situation that they want to change. When we try to get our brain to focus on what it doesn’t want, it gets confused. Think about some of these goals, have you ever had goals like these?

“I want to give up snacking”.
“I must get rid of all the junk in this room.”
“I’ve got to lose weight.”
“I don’t want to come last.”
“I hope I don’t fail.”
“I better not catch his cold.”
“I don’t want to be late.”

Have you ever told yourself ‘I mustn’t forget to…………’ and then found that you did indeed forget whatever it was. Your brain is saying ‘forget …..’ whereas if instead you told yourself ‘remember to……’ you’d have a lot more chance of being successful. On leaving the house for work my husband often tells me ‘don’t forget to………..’ and consciously I have to reword it ‘I must remember…..’otherwise I know I’d forget. It happens sometimes with children doesn’t it? You say ‘Be careful not to fall!’ and then they do just that. It’s because subconsciously they’ve heard the instruction to fall and they’ve focused on that word.

When people are focusing on the problem and being in a problem state there can be fear about what they’ll do when the problem’s fixed. What will they focus on next? Will there be a void in their life? Some people worry that they won’t know what to do with themselves when they are no longer worrying about this thing. This is another very good reason for focusing on something enjoyable, something they do want or who they want to be.
 
At the time of writing this we are going through a pandemic with thousands dying. Whole nations are confined to their homes, people are off work and incomes slashed. It is very easy to think about what we haven't got and what we can't do. But this thinking will not keep us safe. Instead we need to change from

I must keep away from other people to I must ensure I have a 2m space around me 
I mustn't forget to wash my hands to I must remember to wash my hands

Focusing on what we do want rather than on what we don’t want is a matter of thinking first what we really want, imagining what it will be like and taking it on as our identity. This moves us from a state of problem thinking where the focus is on what we don’t want and moves us along the road towards what we do want which is our compelling vision for ourselves.

Looking for a great book to read with bite size chunks on how NLP can help you across all areas of your life? Examples cover relationships, family, health, sport and work. You can buy it here 

​If you're struggling at the moment and need some help please book a free first chat by emailing me

If you are one of the many many mums who is putting off giving me a call about your child because you fear that them coming to a therapist will be an ordeal for them - please read on! 

I have so many years experience of working with children, it's embarrassing and I'm starting to claim fewer in case you work out how old I am! In my market research days of projects for TV companies, toy companies and publishers, I had to find ingenious and fun ways to get kids talking and over the years I've become more and more inventive. Children don't respond well to direct questions and the word 'why' simply sends them into their conscious brain where they won't find the answer because it just doesn't work like that. 

Let me tell you the sort of things your child will do with me...............

Sand Play
Using a sand tray children create their world with dinosaurs, sea creatures, shells and moshi monsters. I get to understand who is in their world, family and friends, how school and home is for them and the main obstacles they have in their life right now. 

They then recreate it as they would like it to be and we have an idea of what we will work on in our sessions. 

Lego Serious Play

This is a set of LEGO designed for therapy use so it has all sorts of interesting bits and pieces rather than simply being blocks to make a set thing.  I invite children to create a model of friendship or confidence or make a happiness machine. As they do this, I observe their process and we can chat without it being direct and without eye contact which children find easier. As they explain how their model works, i learn a great deal about them and what they feel as well as how they'd like to feel. 

Crystal Time Line

By choosing a crystal that represents them, they project onto the crystal, aspects of their own personality which helps me to understand them in a way that a direct question wouldn't. They then choose crystals to represent their family members and friends which enables me to get a feeling for their world and who's in it. 

I also use crystals to get an understanding of what they've experienced in their life so far. We take each school year and they choose a crystal that represents it and talk about what that year was like for them and we can use this as a basis for working on compelling outcomes and overcoming limiting beliefs. 

I'm afraid I can't find any pictures that don't have identifying names etc on them to show you. 

Drawing

Children may be asked to draw themselves as a superhero, draw their dream, a feelings pizza or draw their fear. There are lots of coloured felt pens and the colours all have meanings which tell me more about what we might need to work on. 

Vision boards

Children and young people love to create vision boards from the Visual Explorer cards and then use them as Home screens on their mobile. This could be a vision of their new school year, friendship, their future, their family life or indeed anything I might decide will be helpful. 

Metaprogrammes

NLP explains how we have a number of metaprogrammes which we use to process our world and knowing how we do that, helps children best choose how they work more effectively when it comes to revision, tests or important exams. It also helps parents know how to communicate so their child can process what they are saying quickly without having to translate it into their own metaprogramme. 

So if you feel your child or young person might actually enjoy coming to see me, get in touch and we will start working on whatever they'd like to change in their life. 

​NLP has a number of ground rules or principles that form the basis for all the practical tools and techniques you will learn in this book.
I find that they underpin it in such a way that if I get stuck, just by applying one of these rules I can find a solution.
Each one makes you stop and think differently. It challenges you to assess whether what you do now, works or if by changing it, you could get a better outcome.
NLP is completely focussed on positivity, aiming for a positive outcome, a compelling outcome that is desirable for you. The focus is on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.
There are even some toxic words that by avoiding will steer you a positive, resourceful path.
NLP uses a great deal too much jargon in my opinion and so I have reworded some of the concepts to make them more digestible as you will want to pass them on to your children.
 

This is a great one to start with because it really challenges you to change.

What it says is that if the result you are getting such as your children’s behaviour is not what you want then you must change your own behaviour in order to get a different result.

We tend to think as parents that it is their behaviour that must be changed and we carry on telling them off, shouting at them and getting cross.

So here is a new way of thinking.
Do something different.
If you do something different you will get a different result.

The first way to do this is to decide what result you want. There could be any number of results such as children doing what they are told, not throwing things, shouting and so on. 

Think of a situation that occurs frequently in your family that you’d like to change. Write it down here.
I want to change………..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Now think about what you would like to happen. What is your desirable outcome? Write that down now.
What I want to happen is………
 
 
 
 
 
When you decide on what result you want you need to be quite specific and get to the detail. What exactly do you want, from whom, when and in what way? Write this down here.
I want ………………………….
 
 
 
 
 
The more specific you can be about what you want to happen the easier it will be to decide how to change what you are currently doing in order to achieve it.

Your current behaviour pattern is dictated by your beliefs. The reason you are shouting or using the words you are using, telling them to do certain things is because you have a belief that it is important for them to do what you ask.

This belief stems from your own childhood and how you were brought up, what you consider to be of value and important about how to bring up children. This may also have come from the mores of the culture you are from, the area or region and who you spend time with in your environment.
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If what you are doing is not working then look at the underlying belief for this behaviour.
Are you sure your underlying belief is sound? Could you be carrying forward into the present a belief that belongs in the past?
Look back at the situation you have written about and list all the beliefs that underpin your thinking. What do you hold in your head about what should happen in that situation?
I believe that…………
 
 
I believe that………….
 
 
I believe that…………..
 
 
Where have those beliefs come from?
Are they valid for you today? Are they serving you well or making life more difficult?
Could you re-think a belief so that you could make other choices of behaviour?
Whenever you find yourself thinking ‘I should do….’ - change it to, ‘I could do…’ so that you give yourself permission to do something different. 
Do your beliefs limit your choices of behaviour? Increase your options and change your behaviour to get the result you want.
 
 
This is of course an excellent challenge for children. How often do they repeat the same behaviour, get the same result and wish they’d got another one. They have the same choices as you.
Ask them what they want to happen in the situation and ask them to describe it in detail, even act it out if that helps.
Then ask them what they could do differently to make this result happen for them.
Discuss with them their different options and how likely each one would bring about the outcome they desire.
This process requires that they step into the shoes of the other people involved in the situation rather than just look at it from their point of view. This is an enormously powerful tool that they can learn as a toddler and apply throughout their life. 

There are a number of factors in parenting style that can contribute to low self-esteem in adults.

*  Focus on the negative
If your parents or teachers/carers noticed what you did wrong or where you fell short of their expectations (which may well have been unrealistic) but didn’t praise you for what you did achieve.

* High expectations
Some high achieving parents assume their children will also be brilliant, clever and do well at school but this is not always the case of course. You might have been differently excellent in your own way but if it was not what was expected for you it may not have been recognised.

* Negative comparisons
When parents or teachers constantly compare you with other brighter pupils or siblings and feel that you are ‘not good enough’.

* Neglect
When parents’ busy lives and stressful occupations, frequent absences and lack of contact result in a child not receiving the emotional and physical support they need when growing up.

* Abuse
Children who have been physically or verbally abused find it difficult to feel valued.

* Being different
If you were very different from your peers or siblings through being a different colour, size, culture, religion or temperament this can lead to feelings of low esteem. Sometimes just wearing glasses, having a stutter or a skin condition can make a child feel different.
 
These situations do not necessarily lead to low self-esteem. It is not the facts in themselves that create it but your perceptions of the facts. You may have a perception that whatever you do is wrong or notice the negative responses rather than the positive ones and this can be the result of a pattern in parents. For example, if a parent constantly puts themselves down or has low self-esteem themselves, their child could therefore almost look out for situations or experiences that would lead them to have this themselves. Similarly you can have biased interpretation such that you subconsciously distort the meaning you attach to the situation. For example, if your parent says something positive you still decide that they didn’t mean it or were just trying to be nice. 

​Who we are is not so much about the roles we play, what we do for a living or how we spend our time. We are who we are because of how we respond to what we experience. Take a group of people and expose them to the same experience and they will each respond differently. This difference is explained by the fact that we will base our response to events and people on a number of factors such as:

• Childhood – how we were brought up, where, by whom and in what culture
• Our age – attitudes change with time our response will be different to anyone younger or older than us depending on the environment we were brought up in, the mores of our generation
• Gender – men and women are different!
• Past experience of the event or person
• Values – what we feel is important in life
• Beliefs – what we hold to be true about the world

 
How our parents brought us up, their values and beliefs will have been passed on to us both subconsciously and directly in terms of spoken instructions. They in turn will have been influenced by their parents of course. If you were brought up by one parent this will have affected you and be different from say your partner who may have been brought up by two parents. The area in which you spent your childhood will affect who you are and the cultural environment. One only has to witness two colleagues suddenly discovering they went to the same school or lived in the same town to experience the sense of kinship they have from this shared environment.

We are unique, we are the result of the beliefs of our parents, their parents, our teachers and the environment itself. We are special people and we need to love ourselves so our children can love themselves. 
 

You can read more about self-esteem and how to get more of it in my book 'Self-Esteem Workbook' and I run a self esteem programme for adults and a Confidence and Resilience course for children and teens.